things i want to say to people: part I

Things I want to say to people: part I: Friends

Hazel:
I wish there’s a way for you to get your life back. Yeah I know you’re earning a lot and all, but for you to work THIS hard? I think you’re just saving up so you have money to pay for hospital bills. I feel so helpless that I can’t do anything just to make your situation a bit bearable. Eniweis, I can tell you this any time of the day I please.

What I want to tell you is that I’m very much thankful that I have you in my life. I know, I know I’ve said the same thing over and over but what the hell. I don’t know how to thank you enough for putting up with me and my immaturities (yep. I AM immature. Big surprise for me, though). I think you are, by far, the only person who has a clue as to why I am what I am (err… what am I again?). I’ll never forget the time when everyone else treated me as if I just massacred a whole village. You listened to what I had to say. You didn’t judge me. You understood (well, I’m guessing you do) me when everyone else didn’t give a damn and chose the easier way – branding me as a bad guy.

I had this conversation with jiena over the net and I told her how special you are to me. So special it scares the hell out of me. Scared of losing you. Scared of falling for you. Scared that I might push you away and you wouldn’t come back. Scared of… well, you know, bah… you get the picture.

I do hope things between us won’t change. Or if it will, I hope it’s for the better. It would be nice to have a close friend like you ten or twenty years from now. =)

Cham:
Hhhmmm… where do I start? =)

Well, for one I feel like I’m already in your so-called “comfort zone”. To tell you honestly, I’m not used to you cursing me and opening up and sharing stories. That’s not like you. Well. At least not when I’m around you. I feel like I’m closer to you now than I was before. Maybe I’m wrong, you’ll be the judge of that…

Not that I don’t like this new-found (or realization of, or whichever is appropriate) closeness between us. Really, I’m enjoying your company now more than ever. But being the cynic you all knew and loved (just an expression here, ok?), it has (or I think it has) an adverse effect on me. Of course how can we forget our history? (history reads: friendship. Disappointments and heartache). I’d like to believe that you’re aware of the fact that I fell for you before. That you’re also aware that I never did say that I was over you. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure of it myself. Hazel told me once that I HAVE gotten over you. For some time I believed it to be true. But this closeness between you and I makes me think otherwise. Not to mention the occasional stings I feel when I see you and toff together. Happy. Believe me, there’s nothing more I want than your happiness. But sometimes I ask myself why I stayed with you. I MUST be asking for pain. I’m not blaming myself or you or anything else for this pain. There’s no use in blaming. Question is what to do now?

I don’t want to admit that I may still be (or again have) fallen for you. Maybe I still am. Maybe I already have. I any case, thanks for accepting me after everything we’ve been through.

Jolee:
You wouldn’t want to hear this…

Remember when we talked online one time? When I apologized for blaming you whenever something bad (more often than not connected to aiza) happens? I meant what I said. But I wished you’d apologize to me just as well…

You see, that issue between aiza and I defined where we are in each other’s lives – apparently not close. You took her side. You never bothered to ask me my side of the story. You know how it feels when your friends take sides and makes things worse rather than be objective and help fix the problem?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad at you anymore. Really. I’m not. But don’t expect your name to be on top of my list of “special” people. You never listened to my side of the story of that fuckin’ incident. I never taught you to divulge a secret for the sake of mockery. You’ve always judged me by your standards, may it be a joke or otherwise. I hate that. Frankly speaking, I don’t know you anymore.

And please, enough with your comments on me and aiza. Its not funny.

Aiza:
Hhhmmm… well. Here it goes.

You know, we could fix things. You just have friends who make our acquaintance more like a scene watched on late Saturday afternoon youth-oriented programs. Awkwardness would be the theme of the scenario. Believe me, it’s anything BUT funny.

Guess you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t reach out to you as much. Losing a friend sucks. Know so. But what irritates me is the fact that we can still fix this but we can’t because your friends throw comments in shades of gray. If I react on it, I’d be an assuming jerk. If I don’t react on it, I’m a cold, insensitive bastard. What am I to do? I hate it when I have to watch every word I say and every action I take when you’re around just so your friends won’t get the satisfaction of seeing the awkwardness between us. I might as well hit them with a vase or something.

Aki:
I don't like to think of these as parting words…

For the longest time I wanted to ask you if garbriel wasn’t in the picture, would you have loved me?

Okay, okay. So I guess I couldn’t ask that one. But what the heck! You’re leaving within the month, and you’re coming back God knows when. By that time I may not even recognize you if I happen to be in the cubao area. You have taken a considerable amount of time and effort understanding me and putting up with my rather pathetic stories. You said you were more of a listener than a talker. I thank you for that.

And yeah. I still owe you a meal before you go to the land of the rising sun.

Jenny:
I never did understand why it seems like we have this big wall of un-openess between us, or this line of closeness we can’t cross. You seemed to never tell me stories about yourself. I do suppose you have problems and stories you can share. Either you’re not that type of person and I just refuse to believe/accept that you are, or you don’t trust me enough with intimate details of yourself. Whichever your reason is, I really don’t care. All I know is that we’re not sharing enough, hence that big wall and the line, and this short script.


Hope you guys won’t read this. This came from a voice in my head. From a part of myself that will say or do anything and not care about the consequences. --> Geez… to who am I explaining this?!?!