just read an article at peyups, it was about loving and letting go, or the inability to do so... well, you know what i mean. it's not like such a theme is rarely used as topic for love songs and novels and articles and stuff...
it said something about how a guy hiding his sadness to the world. on the outside he seems very happy with life, not bothered by the fact that he and his girlfriend just broke up. at the end of the day, when he is all alone he takes off his mask and let tears fall down from his cheeks. he wishes that the hurting stop. being subjected to such pain for a long time can make one numb - being used to such emotion makes one feel less and less.
that just SUCKS. i tend to relate, not by his circumstances, but by his feelings. i know what it feels to hide sadness to the world, just so others won't look down on you and feel sorry for you. sometimes, you just want to breakdown but you can't because people around you think you are strong. you don't want the way they see you to change.
they come up to you for comfort and advice because they know you can handle another burden on your shoulders. --> this might just be another assumption, but i think it's a valid one. that feeling gives me a sense of worth - being able to help, especially those i care about; letting them pour out their soul, giving them a different perspective on the situation, helping them understand their problem, and find solutions for it. i love doing that. it makes me feel needed... that i'm worth something.
"and for that reason i hold myself up as if nothing's bothering me... when in truth i myself am hurting inside."
sometimes i wish for a day when everyone would understand me. a day when i can just be weak, and it wouldn't matter. a day when i'm the one being helped, not the one who's helping. a day when i can breakdown and cry and not be ashamed of it nor be afraid that people would see me differently. a day when i just be given a good 30 seconds of a warm hug, or someone would just hold my hand and listen to me - just listen, no need for words.
"i wish for that day to come. and i also wish for the day when all my hurting would stop."
i wish someone could convince me to let go of a love that can never happen... to let go of someone i can never have. i think that's too much to ask of someone. i know i'm the only one who can convince myself to let go, but as of the moment i can't get that through to my thick skull.
why does my heart have to be so stubborn?
though i am convinced that cham and i could only go as far as being friends, why do i still have these stings everytime i see her with her boyfriend? i am happy that she's happy, but why am i hurting?
is it possible for me to feel both joy and pain at the same time?
maybe greg is right. my position is both lucky and frustrating. i must be confused now, as to who am i between the mask and my true self... either way, it doesn't stop the ocassional stings. the butterfly filflops are gone, though. she may also be within my comfort zone now...
how do you keep yourself from hurting when your source of pain is one who greets you hello and goodbye with a kiss, hugs you when you feel sad, jokes around with you, takes on your stupid bets, becomes upset with you when you break promises, calls you when she needs help, and reahes out to you when your friendship was on the brink of becoming not more than a faint memory?
if anyone knows how else to solve my problem other than saying, "leave her" or "go find someone else", tell me. i believe there's another way.
"leave her" tells me to get out of her life for my sake. fine. i see the point. but you're fergetting something; she's also my friend. "leave her" tells me to give up a friendship that survived through conflict and pain. i know what it feels like to lose a friend. it wouldn't make my suffering any less painful. besides, i was touched to know (or feel) that she didn't want our friendship to end. --> cham, if you're reading this, please correct me if i'm wrong with my conclusion/assumption.
"go find someone else" tells me to USE someone else to fill that space only she can fill. "go find someone else" tells me to provide myself with a temporary solution that will potentially result to more hurting.
i'll stop now. it's amazing how one article can make me think and wirte this much... oh well. until i find solutions, i'll leave it as it is; afterall, cham's hapiness is important to me. as long as i see her happy, i think i can endure the pain for a little while longer...
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