this is probably the second most successful reunion party yet. hehe.
got to see my HS friends after heaven-knows-when. i really wasn't expecting a lot of people, since i've already accustomed myself to them backing out at the last minute, but this time i was wrong.
the place was at winnie's. at her request, i went there at around 5:30pm though the party starts @ 7pm. i thought i was going to help her out with the preparations, but i just watched as her folks did all the work. also got to chat with her for a while. i missed those small talks we had.
people start coming in at around 7:30pm. my teacher/friend/adviser and her boyfriend came in first. then my former gangmate, ralph, and his wife, ivy, came. after that, my drinking buddy, jasper, dhess, and dhen followed. jaysen and joanna came in after (man, is she sexy. hehe. i did have a little crush on her during HS. i just didn't made my moves. maybe i would now. baby steps muna. hehe.). winnie's ex-boyfriend, niño also came along with a few friends. jay and jack came after. they were assigned ice and drinks, so we only got to eat when they came. that was about around 8:30. the usual small talks and joking around filled winnie's place. i got to learn that joannah and her her boyfriend, phillip broke up 7 months ago. that was a sad thought, thinking they've been together for such a long time. after dinner, i started serving beer. then came in the heavier discussions. while we were having our beers we got to catch up on each other's lives. nostalgic of some sort, but i didn't know i'd have much fun talking to my HS classmates. i was always used to having only my drinking buddies - winnie, peter, charles, and jasper. that night, i was talking to the other people more.
we talked and talked 'til we reached 3am. i got to catch up with joannah the most. for those who didn't know, joannah and i had a fight early on during college. she didn't talk to me for about 2-3 years. we only got to talk again just recently, and last night we got to tell each other's heartbreak stories. it felt nice talking to her again...
decided to slep at winnie's place since i had 2-half glasses of brandy and a couple of beers on the side (yes, my tolerance level has gone low, i know. i'm just glad i didn't throw up at the party. hehe.).
woke up at 6am and left. was too excited to let this one pass. atleast now i get to read something nice in my blog. reunions have always been fun for me, and i think this is one of the happiest events in my 2005.
i know none of them can read this, but i hope they send pics soon... i'll probably update this when i get the pics.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Friday, December 30, 2005
Expression of Christmas
NOTE: i didn't write this one, just thought i'd put it here for inspirational purposes.
An Expression of Christmas
Dee Ann Ludwig
The very words, "Merry Christmas" bring pleasant memories.
I remember the music and it speaks faith to me. I recall the sights and sounds and feel hope. I remember the magic and meaning for the little ones. I recall the many, many expressions of love. I muse that it comes only once a year... but then my soul cries out:
Christmas is not a moment of eternity but a measure of forever Christmas is Christ's message of salvation to mankind. Christmas is a beautiful reminder of what has been and a solemn rejoicing in what will be. Christmas is the time to make certain our lives reflect the teachings of our Savior!
THE GIFT OF YOU: Don't forget to add these emotional gifts to your list for holiday giving. They cost nothing, but are the most precious presents you can give to your friends and family. Sweaters, toys, trips--they are all wonderful presents to give. But there are other gifts called psychological gifts that are the most precious gifts you can give to those you love. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The only gift is a portion of one's self." And that's what these twelve gifts are--gifts of you. They cost nothing, but their effects can last a lifetime.
THE GIFT OF TIME. In our busy world, the phrase "I don't have time to..." has become a universal complaint. Like a growing plant, any relationship between two people can thrive only if it receives care. -While a plant often needs a complicated solution to grow, most human relationships profit from a simple tonic that is called "tincture of time." A chatty phone call to an unhappy friend, or a half-hour visit to an aunt who lives alone can mean a
lot, but cost very little.
THE GIFT OF GOOD EXAMPLE. Most people learn fundamental attitudes and behavior by observing others. Be a good example by handling difficult situations in a mature manner.
THE GIFT OF ACCEPTANCE. Many problems between husband and wife or between friends begin when one person tries to change the other to fit preconceived notions. But did you know that people begin to shed bad habits once they are accepted the way they are?
THE GIFT OF SEEING THE BEST IN PEOPLE. When we expect people to respond is a positive way, they usually o. But you must let those you love know that you expect the positive.
THE GIFT OF GIVING UP A BAD HABIT. All of us have habits that annoy those we love. What a great gift it would be if you could give up an unhappy or unhealthy habit. Breaking a habit can be a lonely task, but whatever the habit you choose to break, the people who love you will be there when you need help.
THE GIFT OF TEACHING. Helping someone you love learn something new is an important investment in their future happiness. Only by learning new skills can we become fully alive. Sharing our talents with others is a good way to show our love.
THE GIFT OF LISTENING. Few of us know how to listen effectively. Too often we interrupt or act disinterested when someone else is talking. In an effort to be noticed, we begin to tell our own stories before the other person has finished.
THE GIFT OF FUN. There are people who "wet blanket" the happiness of those around them, while others lead people into finding fun in ordinary events.
THE GIFT OF LETTING OTHERS GIVE. Insecurity causes some people to insist on being the giver rather than the receiver. When we let others give to us, and when we accept their gifts in a gracious manner, we may be giving them one of the most important gifts of all. Remember, the joy you feel in giving is felt by others as well.
THE GIFT OF PRIVACY. Too often we tend to smother those we love with questions and demands on their time. Each of us has a need for companionship and a need for privacy. Relinquish some of your natural curiosity occasionally and give those you love the right to private thoughts and unshared feelings.
THE GIFT OF SELF-ESTEEM. It's hard to resist the temptation to give unwanted or unnecessary advice and help to those we love. Such advice may unwittingly cripple a person's self-esteem. A Chinese proverb proclaims, "There's nothing more blessed on earth than a mother--but there's nothing more blessed in Heaven than a mother who knows when to let go of the hand."
THE GIFT OF SELF-DISCLOSURE. Most relationships either grow and expand, or be come stale and decline. Self disclosure letting someone else discover more about you--can turn a wilting relationship into a flourishing one. It can also help sustain an already healthy friendship or marriage. Bottling up feelings, resentments and hopes is not only unhealthy; it also deprives others of truly knowing who you are.
An Expression of Christmas
Dee Ann Ludwig
The very words, "Merry Christmas" bring pleasant memories.
I remember the music and it speaks faith to me. I recall the sights and sounds and feel hope. I remember the magic and meaning for the little ones. I recall the many, many expressions of love. I muse that it comes only once a year... but then my soul cries out:
Christmas is not a moment of eternity but a measure of forever Christmas is Christ's message of salvation to mankind. Christmas is a beautiful reminder of what has been and a solemn rejoicing in what will be. Christmas is the time to make certain our lives reflect the teachings of our Savior!
THE GIFT OF YOU: Don't forget to add these emotional gifts to your list for holiday giving. They cost nothing, but are the most precious presents you can give to your friends and family. Sweaters, toys, trips--they are all wonderful presents to give. But there are other gifts called psychological gifts that are the most precious gifts you can give to those you love. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "The only gift is a portion of one's self." And that's what these twelve gifts are--gifts of you. They cost nothing, but their effects can last a lifetime.
THE GIFT OF TIME. In our busy world, the phrase "I don't have time to..." has become a universal complaint. Like a growing plant, any relationship between two people can thrive only if it receives care. -While a plant often needs a complicated solution to grow, most human relationships profit from a simple tonic that is called "tincture of time." A chatty phone call to an unhappy friend, or a half-hour visit to an aunt who lives alone can mean a
lot, but cost very little.
THE GIFT OF GOOD EXAMPLE. Most people learn fundamental attitudes and behavior by observing others. Be a good example by handling difficult situations in a mature manner.
THE GIFT OF ACCEPTANCE. Many problems between husband and wife or between friends begin when one person tries to change the other to fit preconceived notions. But did you know that people begin to shed bad habits once they are accepted the way they are?
THE GIFT OF SEEING THE BEST IN PEOPLE. When we expect people to respond is a positive way, they usually o. But you must let those you love know that you expect the positive.
THE GIFT OF GIVING UP A BAD HABIT. All of us have habits that annoy those we love. What a great gift it would be if you could give up an unhappy or unhealthy habit. Breaking a habit can be a lonely task, but whatever the habit you choose to break, the people who love you will be there when you need help.
THE GIFT OF TEACHING. Helping someone you love learn something new is an important investment in their future happiness. Only by learning new skills can we become fully alive. Sharing our talents with others is a good way to show our love.
THE GIFT OF LISTENING. Few of us know how to listen effectively. Too often we interrupt or act disinterested when someone else is talking. In an effort to be noticed, we begin to tell our own stories before the other person has finished.
THE GIFT OF FUN. There are people who "wet blanket" the happiness of those around them, while others lead people into finding fun in ordinary events.
THE GIFT OF LETTING OTHERS GIVE. Insecurity causes some people to insist on being the giver rather than the receiver. When we let others give to us, and when we accept their gifts in a gracious manner, we may be giving them one of the most important gifts of all. Remember, the joy you feel in giving is felt by others as well.
THE GIFT OF PRIVACY. Too often we tend to smother those we love with questions and demands on their time. Each of us has a need for companionship and a need for privacy. Relinquish some of your natural curiosity occasionally and give those you love the right to private thoughts and unshared feelings.
THE GIFT OF SELF-ESTEEM. It's hard to resist the temptation to give unwanted or unnecessary advice and help to those we love. Such advice may unwittingly cripple a person's self-esteem. A Chinese proverb proclaims, "There's nothing more blessed on earth than a mother--but there's nothing more blessed in Heaven than a mother who knows when to let go of the hand."
THE GIFT OF SELF-DISCLOSURE. Most relationships either grow and expand, or be come stale and decline. Self disclosure letting someone else discover more about you--can turn a wilting relationship into a flourishing one. It can also help sustain an already healthy friendship or marriage. Bottling up feelings, resentments and hopes is not only unhealthy; it also deprives others of truly knowing who you are.
Times when I wish I had a car (late entry#2)
Times when I wish I had a car:
● I’ve been moving my stuff to my new apartment. It’s hard to carry a big bag around from bulacan to manila. It would’ve been nice if all my stuff are in one bag, but no. I have to make partial movements, and I don’t have enough bags for them all. I could’ve just stuffed everything to the car trunk and be on my way.
● Last Friday, sarah asked me if I could fetch her and her friends at Shangri la, Makati. Apparently none of them knew their way around Makati (yeah, like I knew my way around Makati). That was around 9pm. Of course I went earlier than usual. They had a lot of bags to carry, and we walked from 6750 to the ayala mrt station. After getting off to cubao, we then walked to the fx terminal. I had to bring sarah to balagtas to we asked the driver to drop us off the tollgate, waiting for a jeepney took a while. What’s my point here? It’s tiresome. I could’ve saved us a lot of trouble walking with a lot of bags.
● I’m almost always 20 minutes late to my applied multivariate class. Reason: it takes a long time waiting for a jeepney to Buendia mrt, and another long time from quezon avenue to UP. Yeah, there’s traffic, but atleast I could save some time if I only had to take one ride.
● Just this morning, I’ve been squashed at the mrt station. Yeah, it’s Monday. Rush hour. Yaddayaddayadda… I just thought if I had a car I wouldn’t have to fight my way through the train doors and come out smelling like 5 different people when I go to office. Man, you’re already tired even before you begin doing your office work.
● Dad’s gonna come home on the 15th. It would’ve been nice not to pay unreasonable rent for a vehicle anymore. Though I have class and might not be able to come home that day.
● Whenever I go to dinner followed by coffee followed by something else that would last until 12mn, I find it hard to catch a ride home. I thank God that I haven’t been robbed on a bus, but if I keep going home late and take public transport, I’m bound to lose my phone, my wallet, probably my life as well.
● When I don’t have that much money to pay for transport fare. I take a jeep from my house to the tollgate, take a bus from the tollgate to the mrt station, take the mrt from quezon avenue to buendia, then take another jeep from buendia to office. Some people might probably say this is cheaper than buying gasoline for your car, but at least you don’t have to smell bad at 8 in the morning.
● I’ve been moving my stuff to my new apartment. It’s hard to carry a big bag around from bulacan to manila. It would’ve been nice if all my stuff are in one bag, but no. I have to make partial movements, and I don’t have enough bags for them all. I could’ve just stuffed everything to the car trunk and be on my way.
● Last Friday, sarah asked me if I could fetch her and her friends at Shangri la, Makati. Apparently none of them knew their way around Makati (yeah, like I knew my way around Makati). That was around 9pm. Of course I went earlier than usual. They had a lot of bags to carry, and we walked from 6750 to the ayala mrt station. After getting off to cubao, we then walked to the fx terminal. I had to bring sarah to balagtas to we asked the driver to drop us off the tollgate, waiting for a jeepney took a while. What’s my point here? It’s tiresome. I could’ve saved us a lot of trouble walking with a lot of bags.
● I’m almost always 20 minutes late to my applied multivariate class. Reason: it takes a long time waiting for a jeepney to Buendia mrt, and another long time from quezon avenue to UP. Yeah, there’s traffic, but atleast I could save some time if I only had to take one ride.
● Just this morning, I’ve been squashed at the mrt station. Yeah, it’s Monday. Rush hour. Yaddayaddayadda… I just thought if I had a car I wouldn’t have to fight my way through the train doors and come out smelling like 5 different people when I go to office. Man, you’re already tired even before you begin doing your office work.
● Dad’s gonna come home on the 15th. It would’ve been nice not to pay unreasonable rent for a vehicle anymore. Though I have class and might not be able to come home that day.
● Whenever I go to dinner followed by coffee followed by something else that would last until 12mn, I find it hard to catch a ride home. I thank God that I haven’t been robbed on a bus, but if I keep going home late and take public transport, I’m bound to lose my phone, my wallet, probably my life as well.
● When I don’t have that much money to pay for transport fare. I take a jeep from my house to the tollgate, take a bus from the tollgate to the mrt station, take the mrt from quezon avenue to buendia, then take another jeep from buendia to office. Some people might probably say this is cheaper than buying gasoline for your car, but at least you don’t have to smell bad at 8 in the morning.
catching up (late entry#1)
geez, never really thought I could survive atleast a week without internet access. I’m not a net junkie after all. Hooray for me. ;p
let me try to recall what happened the past few weeks:
merry dinner
I didn’t get much sleep from the night before, not because I was excited with the whole thing, but because I couldn’t sleep in our new apartment. Namamahay ako, since that was my first time to sleep in the apartment. Haze couldn’t sleep either, well that makes two of us. Attended FDA class with my eyes half-open. Thank goodness I was able to stay awake ‘til 4pm.
Went straight to megamall to buy the rest of my gifts. Went to shang to wait for hazel. I didn’t have my phone with me. Went to eat dinner at green tomato. Damn I miss pizza. Hehe. The usual catching-up-on-each-other’s-lives talk along with a few jokes craked while munching on pasta and pizza, then we head off to probably one of our fave sanctuaries-starbucks. Let treated us to coffee (thanks let!). didn’t stay long since I had I come with jolee to the hotel. Had a little talk along the way. A little drama, a little “objective” POV, the usual. We had to check in early, so we did. She watched PPB’s big night while we waited for the others to come. Cham and toff dropped by to say hi and give our gifts. I got my hug which was long overdue. Felt good, nonetheless. Was too sleepy to stay and chat with them, so I just took my place in the hotel bed. When they arrived, they pulled out the magic mike and started singing videoke songs. I managed to get myself to sleep despite the racket and let’s performance (he’s right, he should get one of those magic mikes, he had too much repressed feelings while he was in London. Hehe).
Got up around 7am, I think. My phone rang at 7:30. It was sarah, on her way to my apartment, wanting me to be there. I had to rush myself out of the hotel to tandang sora. We talked, or more appropriately, she talked to me. I had nothing else to say to her. After she left due to an emergency, I went to my apartment to pack my stuff and head home.
Slept my way through Sunday. Had dinner with my family over at max’s. it was aljohn’s birthday.
my “late” week and apartment nights:
I think I was late for the whole week. I tried to ride the bus until Washington., I was 30 minutes late. Got to sleep rather well the second time I was in the apartment, but I left at around 7:30 in the morning, and I was late for about an hour, I think. The next day, I think I was around 2 hours late. I just found out that it was rather hard to find a ride along commonwealth. I was trying other means to transport. Was also late on Thursday and Friday. We had our Christmas party over at the office. I had to humiliate myself by dancing to gasoline in front of managers and top officials of YGC subsidiaries. After I was over and done with it, I went off to glorietta to wait for vinz and jr. I got to see chill and her family over at kfc. I miss her so much. cham and toff also dropped by to say hi. They went home shortly after. We got to stroll around greenbelt, looking for a vacant coffee house while we wait for Jacque. Discussed things and whatnot, then went to 6750, where we’ll meet jaqcue. Got a free ride to mecuayan and just got in a jeepney home. Slept at 2am. It was tiring, but it was fun to hang out with friends again.
sarah’s Christmas party:
Well, its not exactly hers, but her friends’. They invited me over last Sunday. I said yes, though I really didn’t know why. Her friends were nice to me, and I think it would be unfair to get them involved in whatever incident sarah and I went through. I had fun, nonetheless, but not as much fun as I would if I was with my friends. Had games and gift-giving. I couldn’t bring gifts since I was informed so short noticed… got home around 8pm, and my parents, especially my dad, were asking me about the party.
this week:
I’m trying not to be late for work, though I failed last Monday… *sigh* I’m expecting a memo from HR soon and a salary deduction in my next payroll, hehe..
haven’t been doing much, as usual. Just secretarial work – follow up this matter to this person, coordinate with this person regarding this matter, etc, etc. I’m starting to get bored, I’m tempted to go home. I wish there was a scheduled SAS training so I could just do something worthwhile for a change. Damn bond prevents me from looking for other jobs… oh well, I hope I get to do something soon.
next week:
HR says December 26th ‘til the 30th is a forced leave. But in my case, since I’m only on probation, I’m gonna have salary deductions… makes me think if I’ll go to work for the money, or just stay home since I won’t be doing anything at work anyway… oh well, I still have the rest of the week to think about it…
There, I finally caught up with myself. Things have been crazy, I hope I won’t be singing matchbox twenty’s “mad season” come next year…
P.S. oh yeah, if anyone’s wondering where’s the hateful and bitter part of me after I broke up with sarah, I dunno either. If anyone has seen it, please let me know. I think I need it to become sane again. Thanks.
P.P.S. I did write something hateful and bitter when I was in SAS training. I didn’t get to save it… oh well…
let me try to recall what happened the past few weeks:
merry dinner
I didn’t get much sleep from the night before, not because I was excited with the whole thing, but because I couldn’t sleep in our new apartment. Namamahay ako, since that was my first time to sleep in the apartment. Haze couldn’t sleep either, well that makes two of us. Attended FDA class with my eyes half-open. Thank goodness I was able to stay awake ‘til 4pm.
Went straight to megamall to buy the rest of my gifts. Went to shang to wait for hazel. I didn’t have my phone with me. Went to eat dinner at green tomato. Damn I miss pizza. Hehe. The usual catching-up-on-each-other’s-lives talk along with a few jokes craked while munching on pasta and pizza, then we head off to probably one of our fave sanctuaries-starbucks. Let treated us to coffee (thanks let!). didn’t stay long since I had I come with jolee to the hotel. Had a little talk along the way. A little drama, a little “objective” POV, the usual. We had to check in early, so we did. She watched PPB’s big night while we waited for the others to come. Cham and toff dropped by to say hi and give our gifts. I got my hug which was long overdue. Felt good, nonetheless. Was too sleepy to stay and chat with them, so I just took my place in the hotel bed. When they arrived, they pulled out the magic mike and started singing videoke songs. I managed to get myself to sleep despite the racket and let’s performance (he’s right, he should get one of those magic mikes, he had too much repressed feelings while he was in London. Hehe).
Got up around 7am, I think. My phone rang at 7:30. It was sarah, on her way to my apartment, wanting me to be there. I had to rush myself out of the hotel to tandang sora. We talked, or more appropriately, she talked to me. I had nothing else to say to her. After she left due to an emergency, I went to my apartment to pack my stuff and head home.
Slept my way through Sunday. Had dinner with my family over at max’s. it was aljohn’s birthday.
my “late” week and apartment nights:
I think I was late for the whole week. I tried to ride the bus until Washington., I was 30 minutes late. Got to sleep rather well the second time I was in the apartment, but I left at around 7:30 in the morning, and I was late for about an hour, I think. The next day, I think I was around 2 hours late. I just found out that it was rather hard to find a ride along commonwealth. I was trying other means to transport. Was also late on Thursday and Friday. We had our Christmas party over at the office. I had to humiliate myself by dancing to gasoline in front of managers and top officials of YGC subsidiaries. After I was over and done with it, I went off to glorietta to wait for vinz and jr. I got to see chill and her family over at kfc. I miss her so much. cham and toff also dropped by to say hi. They went home shortly after. We got to stroll around greenbelt, looking for a vacant coffee house while we wait for Jacque. Discussed things and whatnot, then went to 6750, where we’ll meet jaqcue. Got a free ride to mecuayan and just got in a jeepney home. Slept at 2am. It was tiring, but it was fun to hang out with friends again.
sarah’s Christmas party:
Well, its not exactly hers, but her friends’. They invited me over last Sunday. I said yes, though I really didn’t know why. Her friends were nice to me, and I think it would be unfair to get them involved in whatever incident sarah and I went through. I had fun, nonetheless, but not as much fun as I would if I was with my friends. Had games and gift-giving. I couldn’t bring gifts since I was informed so short noticed… got home around 8pm, and my parents, especially my dad, were asking me about the party.
this week:
I’m trying not to be late for work, though I failed last Monday… *sigh* I’m expecting a memo from HR soon and a salary deduction in my next payroll, hehe..
haven’t been doing much, as usual. Just secretarial work – follow up this matter to this person, coordinate with this person regarding this matter, etc, etc. I’m starting to get bored, I’m tempted to go home. I wish there was a scheduled SAS training so I could just do something worthwhile for a change. Damn bond prevents me from looking for other jobs… oh well, I hope I get to do something soon.
next week:
HR says December 26th ‘til the 30th is a forced leave. But in my case, since I’m only on probation, I’m gonna have salary deductions… makes me think if I’ll go to work for the money, or just stay home since I won’t be doing anything at work anyway… oh well, I still have the rest of the week to think about it…
There, I finally caught up with myself. Things have been crazy, I hope I won’t be singing matchbox twenty’s “mad season” come next year…
P.S. oh yeah, if anyone’s wondering where’s the hateful and bitter part of me after I broke up with sarah, I dunno either. If anyone has seen it, please let me know. I think I need it to become sane again. Thanks.
P.P.S. I did write something hateful and bitter when I was in SAS training. I didn’t get to save it… oh well…
Thursday, December 29, 2005
trial post
an attempt to attach a picture to a blog entry. figured after more than a year of blogging, i should learn a few tricks... well, not exactly tricks. but atleast i should know how to put pictures here. its staring to get rather boring.hehe. it worked...
anyway, this is angelis. i hope i get to do my series of him soon. but with work and school, i don't think i'll be able to squeeze it to my sched.. well, here's hopin' i can finally start.
oh, and i'll probably post the entries i got to do while i'm at work. they're not exactly boredom entries. i just had a lot of spare time to get things off my head and put it on paper.
well... there. also put my link. wala lang.
uhm... yeah...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
revisting my resolutions
i searched for last year's entry and took a moment of silence to reflect on wether i got to do last year's list. here's a review:
1.) learn how to say NO
- i think i got this one done. okay, okay i may have made up excuses for some incidents but that's not the point. i got to realize that i can only do so much, and i can't please everyone. i just probably need to be more honest as to why i can't/don't want to agree on certain things.
2.) save up
- anyone know who the god/goddess of saving is? i do need to consult him/her about it. i'm trying to tell myself that i have no savings because i'm only new in the job, i just moved out and its Christmas season. i have a lot of expenses and its perfectly justifiable. still, fact remains - i have no savings. and with the things happening right now, i don't think i'll have much.
3.) plan your 2 years
- i think PPCC already did this for me. i have a bond for two and a half years for undergoing SAS training. looking at it on a positive note, i have a stable source of income for the next couple of years. downside: let's not talk about it, shall we? ;p
- also took my MS degree this november. i don't know if i'll be able to finish it in 2 years. but i'll finish what i started. always have, always will.
- after that i'll probably go look for scholarships abroad, or a job - whichever is beneficial. MS degrees here aren't really recognized abroad, so i'll probably take one after i finish my bond and my current MS --> *coughnerdybastardcough*. i just heard of a job oppurtunity in canada which earns about 120k Php monthly. too bad i'm not a mechanical engineer, but there are probably other offers over there. i just have to finish what i have right now.
4.) be happier
- i am! i am! thanks to my friends and family. when i look back i realized why i was hard to understand - becuase i was too sad and angry at the world. people don't want to be with sad people. they tend to drain you with their sad thoughts and sad feelings about yesterday, today and tomorrow. i also learned that happiness is a choice - a state of mind. even if the situation calls for drastic, violent, angry, brutal reactions, you can always find happiness.
5.) move on
- hahahaha!!
- ......
- should i even react to this...?
- okay, maybe i should. i was able to do it. i found a new love. problem is - i lost it again. but this time, the pain isn't so great - probably 'coz i was the one who let it go. perhaps realizing what's best for one's self and for the other person is a sign of... well.. maturity? i don't know, but even if i do want to make things work - there are more important things than a romantic relationship... or maybe that's the cynical side of me talking.
6.) have patience
- at times i think i have it. at times i don't. but i know that there's a time where you should wait, and there's a time where you should sieze it. i just have to know where i draw my lines.
7.) trust people
- i think i do now. though i admit that i still have trust issues. i think i just learned that there are thnigs beyond our control, and that the only thing you can do is to have FAITH that things will turn out for the best. it's not more on trusting people, it's having faith in them... (yuck drama!)
8.) have reality checks every now and then
- yeah. sure. uh huh... well... yeah.
oh, if you're interested in what i wrote about a year ago here it is.
1.) learn how to say NO
- i think i got this one done. okay, okay i may have made up excuses for some incidents but that's not the point. i got to realize that i can only do so much, and i can't please everyone. i just probably need to be more honest as to why i can't/don't want to agree on certain things.
2.) save up
- anyone know who the god/goddess of saving is? i do need to consult him/her about it. i'm trying to tell myself that i have no savings because i'm only new in the job, i just moved out and its Christmas season. i have a lot of expenses and its perfectly justifiable. still, fact remains - i have no savings. and with the things happening right now, i don't think i'll have much.
3.) plan your 2 years
- i think PPCC already did this for me. i have a bond for two and a half years for undergoing SAS training. looking at it on a positive note, i have a stable source of income for the next couple of years. downside: let's not talk about it, shall we? ;p
- also took my MS degree this november. i don't know if i'll be able to finish it in 2 years. but i'll finish what i started. always have, always will.
- after that i'll probably go look for scholarships abroad, or a job - whichever is beneficial. MS degrees here aren't really recognized abroad, so i'll probably take one after i finish my bond and my current MS --> *coughnerdybastardcough*. i just heard of a job oppurtunity in canada which earns about 120k Php monthly. too bad i'm not a mechanical engineer, but there are probably other offers over there. i just have to finish what i have right now.
4.) be happier
- i am! i am! thanks to my friends and family. when i look back i realized why i was hard to understand - becuase i was too sad and angry at the world. people don't want to be with sad people. they tend to drain you with their sad thoughts and sad feelings about yesterday, today and tomorrow. i also learned that happiness is a choice - a state of mind. even if the situation calls for drastic, violent, angry, brutal reactions, you can always find happiness.
5.) move on
- hahahaha!!
- ......
- should i even react to this...?
- okay, maybe i should. i was able to do it. i found a new love. problem is - i lost it again. but this time, the pain isn't so great - probably 'coz i was the one who let it go. perhaps realizing what's best for one's self and for the other person is a sign of... well.. maturity? i don't know, but even if i do want to make things work - there are more important things than a romantic relationship... or maybe that's the cynical side of me talking.
6.) have patience
- at times i think i have it. at times i don't. but i know that there's a time where you should wait, and there's a time where you should sieze it. i just have to know where i draw my lines.
7.) trust people
- i think i do now. though i admit that i still have trust issues. i think i just learned that there are thnigs beyond our control, and that the only thing you can do is to have FAITH that things will turn out for the best. it's not more on trusting people, it's having faith in them... (yuck drama!)
8.) have reality checks every now and then
- yeah. sure. uh huh... well... yeah.
oh, if you're interested in what i wrote about a year ago here it is.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
the biggest drain ever
got nothing else to say... sorry if couldn't make it work...
wish i could sing the last few lines. well, here's hoping...
Much Has Been Said
by Bamboo
album: Light Peace Love (2005)
Much has been said
Said you never leave
Why'd it have to be
Harder than it had to be
Don't you throw blame
You were part of this
Wasn't suppose to end
With us just walking away
So many times we tried
Holding on to the pain but in my baby's eyes I see my shame
Asking why you had to leave
Wasn't I strong enough to make you see
That the biggest part of this it's not about you or me
But just be wrong if we held on
So Maybe tomorrow we'll find
A taste for the old days hard lessons
We've left behind
This mirrors an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm crying out for help
Ohh lord
Much has been said
Well, I never learn
Keeping my fingers crossed
Praying for my luck to turn
But I can't complain
I'm living it easy
Job's keeping me busy
I’m going Crazy
Can't describe the way it felt
When you left said your goodbyes
It just seems crazy for me to think
That I'll find love a second time
But we all know how it all wraps up in the end...
So maybe tomorrow we'll find
A taste for the old days hard lessons
We've left behind
This mirrors an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm crying out for help
Ohh lord..
What am I leaving behind
Sweet how we see the big picture when you're life's not on the line
I know the way but do you see what I see
A tortured life always second guessing the bookie
Pot money on the table thought that was all I had to do
Never came home
Never said a word to you
No one ever said it was going to be easy, easy...
Let’s start over again this time this time
Let's do it right
Start over again this time this time
Lets keep the fires burning.
wish i could sing the last few lines. well, here's hoping...
Much Has Been Said
by Bamboo
album: Light Peace Love (2005)
Much has been said
Said you never leave
Why'd it have to be
Harder than it had to be
Don't you throw blame
You were part of this
Wasn't suppose to end
With us just walking away
So many times we tried
Holding on to the pain but in my baby's eyes I see my shame
Asking why you had to leave
Wasn't I strong enough to make you see
That the biggest part of this it's not about you or me
But just be wrong if we held on
So Maybe tomorrow we'll find
A taste for the old days hard lessons
We've left behind
This mirrors an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm crying out for help
Ohh lord
Much has been said
Well, I never learn
Keeping my fingers crossed
Praying for my luck to turn
But I can't complain
I'm living it easy
Job's keeping me busy
I’m going Crazy
Can't describe the way it felt
When you left said your goodbyes
It just seems crazy for me to think
That I'll find love a second time
But we all know how it all wraps up in the end...
So maybe tomorrow we'll find
A taste for the old days hard lessons
We've left behind
This mirrors an open door
I can barely stand to see myself
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm crying out for help
Ohh lord..
What am I leaving behind
Sweet how we see the big picture when you're life's not on the line
I know the way but do you see what I see
A tortured life always second guessing the bookie
Pot money on the table thought that was all I had to do
Never came home
Never said a word to you
No one ever said it was going to be easy, easy...
Let’s start over again this time this time
Let's do it right
Start over again this time this time
Lets keep the fires burning.
Monday, November 21, 2005
a string of unfortunate events
Yeah, still on the negative side of things. But I don’t dwell on it, though. Just trying to list out all the bad things (directly or indirectly) that happened to me (and people around me) during the past month.
October 5: I got the news that my brother’s phone got stolen on his way to school for an ES exam. Damn, I haven’t even changed clothes then. Was happy coming home from malolos since this was the day sarah said “yes” to me. I was happy and sad at same time.
Then came certain problems regarding friends. These aren’t exactly my problems, but they presented themselves to me as bad news, the ones that ruin your day. I feel sad for my friends, though.
October 29: was just on my way home from a date with sarah. Then my phone rang. It was maui, ivan’s girlfriend. She told me she and ivan broke up. I even got off the jeep and got on another one back to malolos so we could talk. She was crying while we were in the street. I couldn’t do or say anything to make things better. Yeah, it’s not my problem, but somehow news on things like that seem to reach me right after I had a great time.
Let’s not forget the family-related stuff.
November 5: our monthsary. Went mall-hopping. It was fun. When I got home, mom told me that my cousin’s father (my uncle) died because of a head injury. Less than a week later, my grandfather’s brother died of a heart attack.
November 19: a day after my MYMP concert. Leah told me about dad’s termination from work, and that he’ll be coming home in December. Dad coming home was a happy thought, but that would mean me and my sister shouldering the burden of worrying about the financial side of the family. Also found out that my sister’s phone got stolen.
Maybe the universe doesn’t want me to drown in euphoria, but a bad thing happening right after a happy moment is a crazy manifestation of karma or action-reaction or duality, whatever it is that’s governing the universe. I’m lucky I’m not having a nervous breakdown, yet. That’s besides the stress from work and my relationship issues…
So help me God.
October 5: I got the news that my brother’s phone got stolen on his way to school for an ES exam. Damn, I haven’t even changed clothes then. Was happy coming home from malolos since this was the day sarah said “yes” to me. I was happy and sad at same time.
Then came certain problems regarding friends. These aren’t exactly my problems, but they presented themselves to me as bad news, the ones that ruin your day. I feel sad for my friends, though.
October 29: was just on my way home from a date with sarah. Then my phone rang. It was maui, ivan’s girlfriend. She told me she and ivan broke up. I even got off the jeep and got on another one back to malolos so we could talk. She was crying while we were in the street. I couldn’t do or say anything to make things better. Yeah, it’s not my problem, but somehow news on things like that seem to reach me right after I had a great time.
Let’s not forget the family-related stuff.
November 5: our monthsary. Went mall-hopping. It was fun. When I got home, mom told me that my cousin’s father (my uncle) died because of a head injury. Less than a week later, my grandfather’s brother died of a heart attack.
November 19: a day after my MYMP concert. Leah told me about dad’s termination from work, and that he’ll be coming home in December. Dad coming home was a happy thought, but that would mean me and my sister shouldering the burden of worrying about the financial side of the family. Also found out that my sister’s phone got stolen.
Maybe the universe doesn’t want me to drown in euphoria, but a bad thing happening right after a happy moment is a crazy manifestation of karma or action-reaction or duality, whatever it is that’s governing the universe. I’m lucky I’m not having a nervous breakdown, yet. That’s besides the stress from work and my relationship issues…
So help me God.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
MYMP concert
my first concert experience turned out to be great - it was definitely a stress reliever. and i think i love juris now. hehe.
never thought listening to live performances was THAT exciting. i didn't mind the seats we were in. i was just amazed by mymp's performance. undoubtedly, they have gone a long way. from being mere guest bands in small functions to having 7 times platinum album and almost filling the araneta coleseium (i saw a few vacant seats somewhere in the upperbox). yet their name remains their goal - making their mama's proud. and true enough, they have done more than make their mothers proud...
oh, and thanks to jenny, haze and vinz. i had fun watching the concert with you guys! and thanks for listening to me rant before the concert. hehe. =)
never thought listening to live performances was THAT exciting. i didn't mind the seats we were in. i was just amazed by mymp's performance. undoubtedly, they have gone a long way. from being mere guest bands in small functions to having 7 times platinum album and almost filling the araneta coleseium (i saw a few vacant seats somewhere in the upperbox). yet their name remains their goal - making their mama's proud. and true enough, they have done more than make their mothers proud...
oh, and thanks to jenny, haze and vinz. i had fun watching the concert with you guys! and thanks for listening to me rant before the concert. hehe. =)
boredom.. again.
My first boredom entry for my new job…
Well, I tried to reduce it by bring haze’s book and a few mp3 via my flash drive. Still, I can’t find anything to do. I hate having to make calls and set meetings and follow up requests. Hell, I saw my personal action notice and my job title was JUNIOR STATISTICIAN, not secretary.
I ate alone again. Thought my lunch alone days were over when I finished my work in UP, but NO. I could have brought a packed lunch, but I’m very much a fan of packed lunches, plus I almost burned the RCC building over at shaw blvd using “lumpiang shanghai”. (don’t ask).
I went back to office at 12:30, who comes back from lunch 30 minutes earlier than usual?! (Whatever it is that you’re gonna say, cham, don’t. ;p). and since I can’t continue my functions as lame secretary, I write this boredom entry.
A little recap of what happened in the past 3 days:
Nov16
My starting day, along with another junior statistician from UPLB, and the project head (comsci, UPLB). They were both talking about UPLB stuff, which I can’t relate. Then this other junior stat asks the silliest, annoying, most ridiculous questions. If I was my usual kupal self, I would’ve told her something like, “it’s in the manual, go read.” Spent my entire morning reading the employee manual and the SAS statement of work. We were then briefed by nikki in the afternoon. It was pretty much the same as the manual, only verbalized. Anyway, that was it. It was the first day, so its rather understandable that the day was boring.
Nov17
Second day. We found out that many arceño (project head) couldn’t report until December 1 because his former employer doesn’t want to let him go. This entirely defeated the purpose of me going to work earlier than he could. Hell, I could’ve been working 3 weeks before he could start. I would’ve had a source of income by then as my savings is slowly depleting. (though I would probably be making calls if I did, it’ll be boring just as well.) now I’m left with my silly officemate’to deal with (good thing she took the morning off. Less questions for me. Hooray.) anyway, I was left to do tasks assigned to both myself and many. (bastard doesn’t want to make calls. Pfft!). tried reading through the manuals again. Left the office at 5. got to UP at around 6:20. I was late for my multivariate class. (sorry, ma’am anna). got home around 10pm, talked to sarah via ym, and I think we ended our talk with another argument… oh well…
Nov18
Third day. Still no change. Following up calls, request and all that clerical stuff… if only shame had an off switch, I would have slept my way through lunch… I’m just glad I’m going to the mymp concert with haze, jenny and vinz…
*update*
My officemate isn’t only silly; she turned out to be a “pakialamera” as well. She just picked up my contract without asking permission from me.
I’m starting to get frustrated that I couldn’t contact the people I need to set a freakin’ meeting. Seriously, is it so hard to set a 1-hour meeting?!?! And should I be doing this in the first place?!?!
Oh, and I still don’t have internet access…
My days are starting to get slower everyday… *sigh*
Well, I tried to reduce it by bring haze’s book and a few mp3 via my flash drive. Still, I can’t find anything to do. I hate having to make calls and set meetings and follow up requests. Hell, I saw my personal action notice and my job title was JUNIOR STATISTICIAN, not secretary.
I ate alone again. Thought my lunch alone days were over when I finished my work in UP, but NO. I could have brought a packed lunch, but I’m very much a fan of packed lunches, plus I almost burned the RCC building over at shaw blvd using “lumpiang shanghai”. (don’t ask).
I went back to office at 12:30, who comes back from lunch 30 minutes earlier than usual?! (Whatever it is that you’re gonna say, cham, don’t. ;p). and since I can’t continue my functions as lame secretary, I write this boredom entry.
A little recap of what happened in the past 3 days:
Nov16
My starting day, along with another junior statistician from UPLB, and the project head (comsci, UPLB). They were both talking about UPLB stuff, which I can’t relate. Then this other junior stat asks the silliest, annoying, most ridiculous questions. If I was my usual kupal self, I would’ve told her something like, “it’s in the manual, go read.” Spent my entire morning reading the employee manual and the SAS statement of work. We were then briefed by nikki in the afternoon. It was pretty much the same as the manual, only verbalized. Anyway, that was it. It was the first day, so its rather understandable that the day was boring.
Nov17
Second day. We found out that many arceño (project head) couldn’t report until December 1 because his former employer doesn’t want to let him go. This entirely defeated the purpose of me going to work earlier than he could. Hell, I could’ve been working 3 weeks before he could start. I would’ve had a source of income by then as my savings is slowly depleting. (though I would probably be making calls if I did, it’ll be boring just as well.) now I’m left with my silly officemate’to deal with (good thing she took the morning off. Less questions for me. Hooray.) anyway, I was left to do tasks assigned to both myself and many. (bastard doesn’t want to make calls. Pfft!). tried reading through the manuals again. Left the office at 5. got to UP at around 6:20. I was late for my multivariate class. (sorry, ma’am anna). got home around 10pm, talked to sarah via ym, and I think we ended our talk with another argument… oh well…
Nov18
Third day. Still no change. Following up calls, request and all that clerical stuff… if only shame had an off switch, I would have slept my way through lunch… I’m just glad I’m going to the mymp concert with haze, jenny and vinz…
*update*
My officemate isn’t only silly; she turned out to be a “pakialamera” as well. She just picked up my contract without asking permission from me.
I’m starting to get frustrated that I couldn’t contact the people I need to set a freakin’ meeting. Seriously, is it so hard to set a 1-hour meeting?!?! And should I be doing this in the first place?!?!
Oh, and I still don’t have internet access…
My days are starting to get slower everyday… *sigh*
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
kaya ko ba 'to?
there goes that proverbial question yet again...
"think positive", "you can do it", "look on the bright side", yadayadayada... yeah, yeah i get the message. i just want to rant. is that a bad thing? besides, i think i've been too happy for too long. anyways...
on my MS
applied multivariate analysis - hell, i suck at the theoretical part of it during undergrad. i barely passed the subject, and i've completely forgotten whatever it was that was taught during my senior year - that is, if i did remember anything.
functional data analysis - i'm sorry. i have no idea what this is. vinz did google search on it, the results were terrifying. but there's nothing else we can do about it.
on my work
i just got home from my first day at work. it was boring at first (well, it was boring, period.). spent my first 3 hours reading the employee manual. after that i was given the sas manual to read. ate lunch by myself at mcdonalds, went back to office an hour earlier, read th freakin' manual again, waited for the project head, then went to discuss an overview of the project.
hell, its hard. i got overwelhmed by the tasks they want us to do. i'm excited to start doing it, but part of me (the whimpy side, that is) is scared that i may not be able to pull it off.
on my relationship
well, aside from the friends issue and not having that much time for each other, i'm doing quite alright, i think. i dunno, sometimes i'm just thinking too much about our issues (which when asked to define don't really come out clear. perhaps its just my mood or something). i just feel guilty at times that i don't have that much time for her, and that she has to lie sometimes to hide our relationship from others.
hence the question... and don't you go humming that masculados song unless you want me to stab you, ok? ok. =p
"think positive", "you can do it", "look on the bright side", yadayadayada... yeah, yeah i get the message. i just want to rant. is that a bad thing? besides, i think i've been too happy for too long. anyways...
on my MS
applied multivariate analysis - hell, i suck at the theoretical part of it during undergrad. i barely passed the subject, and i've completely forgotten whatever it was that was taught during my senior year - that is, if i did remember anything.
functional data analysis - i'm sorry. i have no idea what this is. vinz did google search on it, the results were terrifying. but there's nothing else we can do about it.
on my work
i just got home from my first day at work. it was boring at first (well, it was boring, period.). spent my first 3 hours reading the employee manual. after that i was given the sas manual to read. ate lunch by myself at mcdonalds, went back to office an hour earlier, read th freakin' manual again, waited for the project head, then went to discuss an overview of the project.
hell, its hard. i got overwelhmed by the tasks they want us to do. i'm excited to start doing it, but part of me (the whimpy side, that is) is scared that i may not be able to pull it off.
on my relationship
well, aside from the friends issue and not having that much time for each other, i'm doing quite alright, i think. i dunno, sometimes i'm just thinking too much about our issues (which when asked to define don't really come out clear. perhaps its just my mood or something). i just feel guilty at times that i don't have that much time for her, and that she has to lie sometimes to hide our relationship from others.
hence the question... and don't you go humming that masculados song unless you want me to stab you, ok? ok. =p
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
some classy things to say when stressed
i was going through my old stuff in search of my diploma. (yes. i somehow managed to have misplaced my diploma somewhere.) instead i found a piece of paper ivan gave my during college. this one goes out to all stressed people. may some of the things written here be of use to you. hehe.
classy things to say when stressed
1. okay, okay! i take it back. unfuck you!!
2. you say i'm a bitch like its a bad thing?!
3. how many tmes do i have to flush before you go away?
4. well this day was a total waste of make-up.
5. weel aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
6. don't bother me. i'm living happily ever after.
7. do i look like a fucking people person?!
8. this isn't an office. its HELL with fluorescent lighting!
9. i started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
10. i pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
11. YOU!!... off my planet!!
12. therapy is expensive. popping bubble plastic is cheap. you choose.
13. practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. errors have been made. others will be blamed.
15. and your cry-baby, whinny-assed opinion would be...? (my personal favorite. >:D)
16. i'm not crazy. i've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
17. sarcasm is just one more service i can offer.
18. whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. do they ever shut up on your planet?
20. i'm not your type. i'm not inflatable.
21. stress is when you wale up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
22. back off!! you're standing in my aura.
23. don't worry, i forgot your name too.
24. i just want revenge. is that so wrong?
25. i work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
26. nice perfume. must you marinate in it?
27. not all men are annoying. some are dead.
28. wait... i'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.
30. Ambivalent? well yes and no.
31. you look like shit. is that the style now?
32. earth is full. go home.
33. aw, did i step on your poor little bitty ego?
34. i'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
35. a hard-on doeasn't count as personal growth.
36. you are depriving some village of an idiot.
37. if assholes can fly, this place would be an airport.
oh, and i still couldn't find my diploma...
classy things to say when stressed
1. okay, okay! i take it back. unfuck you!!
2. you say i'm a bitch like its a bad thing?!
3. how many tmes do i have to flush before you go away?
4. well this day was a total waste of make-up.
5. weel aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?
6. don't bother me. i'm living happily ever after.
7. do i look like a fucking people person?!
8. this isn't an office. its HELL with fluorescent lighting!
9. i started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
10. i pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
11. YOU!!... off my planet!!
12. therapy is expensive. popping bubble plastic is cheap. you choose.
13. practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
14. errors have been made. others will be blamed.
15. and your cry-baby, whinny-assed opinion would be...? (my personal favorite. >:D)
16. i'm not crazy. i've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
17. sarcasm is just one more service i can offer.
18. whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
19. do they ever shut up on your planet?
20. i'm not your type. i'm not inflatable.
21. stress is when you wale up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
22. back off!! you're standing in my aura.
23. don't worry, i forgot your name too.
24. i just want revenge. is that so wrong?
25. i work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
26. nice perfume. must you marinate in it?
27. not all men are annoying. some are dead.
28. wait... i'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.
30. Ambivalent? well yes and no.
31. you look like shit. is that the style now?
32. earth is full. go home.
33. aw, did i step on your poor little bitty ego?
34. i'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
35. a hard-on doeasn't count as personal growth.
36. you are depriving some village of an idiot.
37. if assholes can fly, this place would be an airport.
oh, and i still couldn't find my diploma...
Sunday, November 06, 2005
six lessons from 3am sessions
i have jenny to thank for this. *hugs*
i decided to go all net junkie after i got home at 12:30 in the morning from baywalk+star city. i saw jenny on ym and decided to go pop a message. we talked about things and whatnot, and it eventually lead to me typing like a maniac about things i only gave like less than a minute to think about. anyway, thought i'd write these down.
lesson number1: know who/what matters from who/what does not
- oftentimes life gets too cluttered with things that seemed important. a constant build-up will lead to headaches and eventually depression over things that you shouldn't even think about in the first place. knowing what matters from what doesn't will make you throw away A LOT of things hanging in your head. trust me, life becomes simpler and happier that way.
lesson number2: care can have an on/off switch
- by this i mean focusing on the things that matter. after you've weeded out the "trash" in your head, focus on the things/people that deserve your love and care. doing so will make you appreciate them, no matter how big or small they may be. giving a damn about things that make you sad/angry/disappointed/whatever bad feeling will only cause wrinkles. you wouldn't want that now, do you?
lesson number3: there are things beyond your control
- sure, you can be sad/angry/disapponited about things that don't go the way you want to. its normal to feel that way. it follows newton's law of action-reaction. feeling that way is one thing, dwelling on it is another. you should accept that God has a design far grander that anything you can ever concieve. you just have to trust Him that even the things that didn't go your way are part of this grand design that will make you the best person you'll ever be.
lesson number4: life is short
- you're given one life, and one life alone. this isn't encantadia where people can come back from devas just because pirena's gabay-diwa commands it, or you get a leaf from the tree of life. now, which would be happier - one that is spent with happy moments? or one that is filled with anger/grief/despair/ and all that negative stuff? a masochist? be my guest, but don't go complaining how sucky your life is, i'm gonna whack you with a baseball bat for not paying attetion to what i just said.
lesson number5: there are always two ways of looking at things
- you know that catchy phrase, "look on the bright side"? well its true. no matter how bad the situation is, if you can see the good in it, every experience will be a good one - becuase you get something out of it. sure, you can go mope all you want - or you can go to a theme park and eat your fave icecream or go to a bar a grab a couple of beers.
lesson number6: happiness is a state of mind - a choice, not an emotion
- this is the implication to lesson5. you can choose to be happy. you don't want to? no? ok.
just a part of my 2-hour chat with jenny. the rest will forever remain a mystery. hehe. ;p anyway, i dunno what got into me. i just started typing... i would've made it 10 but i realized i had to wake up early for my house-hunting trip with vinz. so there. hehe. ;p
i decided to go all net junkie after i got home at 12:30 in the morning from baywalk+star city. i saw jenny on ym and decided to go pop a message. we talked about things and whatnot, and it eventually lead to me typing like a maniac about things i only gave like less than a minute to think about. anyway, thought i'd write these down.
lesson number1: know who/what matters from who/what does not
- oftentimes life gets too cluttered with things that seemed important. a constant build-up will lead to headaches and eventually depression over things that you shouldn't even think about in the first place. knowing what matters from what doesn't will make you throw away A LOT of things hanging in your head. trust me, life becomes simpler and happier that way.
lesson number2: care can have an on/off switch
- by this i mean focusing on the things that matter. after you've weeded out the "trash" in your head, focus on the things/people that deserve your love and care. doing so will make you appreciate them, no matter how big or small they may be. giving a damn about things that make you sad/angry/disappointed/whatever bad feeling will only cause wrinkles. you wouldn't want that now, do you?
lesson number3: there are things beyond your control
- sure, you can be sad/angry/disapponited about things that don't go the way you want to. its normal to feel that way. it follows newton's law of action-reaction. feeling that way is one thing, dwelling on it is another. you should accept that God has a design far grander that anything you can ever concieve. you just have to trust Him that even the things that didn't go your way are part of this grand design that will make you the best person you'll ever be.
lesson number4: life is short
- you're given one life, and one life alone. this isn't encantadia where people can come back from devas just because pirena's gabay-diwa commands it, or you get a leaf from the tree of life. now, which would be happier - one that is spent with happy moments? or one that is filled with anger/grief/despair/ and all that negative stuff? a masochist? be my guest, but don't go complaining how sucky your life is, i'm gonna whack you with a baseball bat for not paying attetion to what i just said.
lesson number5: there are always two ways of looking at things
- you know that catchy phrase, "look on the bright side"? well its true. no matter how bad the situation is, if you can see the good in it, every experience will be a good one - becuase you get something out of it. sure, you can go mope all you want - or you can go to a theme park and eat your fave icecream or go to a bar a grab a couple of beers.
lesson number6: happiness is a state of mind - a choice, not an emotion
- this is the implication to lesson5. you can choose to be happy. you don't want to? no? ok.
just a part of my 2-hour chat with jenny. the rest will forever remain a mystery. hehe. ;p anyway, i dunno what got into me. i just started typing... i would've made it 10 but i realized i had to wake up early for my house-hunting trip with vinz. so there. hehe. ;p
the first month
i dunno how to react to this - put two difficult people in a relatonship, along with personality issues and various constraints from circumstances beyond our control. would you be sad to realize that a month felt like a year, or would you just be happy that a situation so difficult have atleast lasted a month?
met up with sarah at mr. donut around 9:30am. rain suddenly poured when i got her message:
kung may payong ka, punta ka na lang sa jollibee. nandun ako eh, pero kung wala ako na lang pupunta dyan...
went to fetch her. it seemed that her tricycle driver was her neighbhor/spy to her dad. she had to do something. i dunno if should be happy or sad that she's finding ways to hide our relationship from her dad. she showed me her diary and pointed out the instances that she saw me (or any entry that had my name on it. looks like she was my no.1 fan). i was laughing at her entries, i never thought i had that much impact on her. i really don't.
we went to gateway. she hasn't gone there ever. figured giving her a tour would be fun. had lunch at tang city, while exchanging stories of just about anything. its refreshing that she didn't ask too many questions. either that or i've somehow grown used to it that i couldn't feel like she was asking me anything anymore. we went to megamall after lunch - to watch a movie. why go there when you have movie houses at gateway? - megamall was cheaper. end of story. it wasn't my decision, by the way.
watched "the legend of zorro". we had a few good laughs, especially with the horse (na daig pa ang mga tambay sa kanto sa mga bisyo). it was nice that i could watch a good movie while having someone special in my arms. warm hugs can be so addicting. hehe.
told her that i wanted to atend mass, and that the church at UP had a 6pm mass. we decided to go. i guess lasting for a month despite the situation (or anything really), is worth praying for. i just wanted to say thanks to Him, even if i already wishpered my prayers the day before over at edsa shrine. it was her first time to enter UP's catholic church (man, how many "first time"s have i given her? [no pun intended ;p]). went to sm north for dinner. went about that same anything-goes-anything-under-the-sun conversation. took a van to malolos, and brought her to her place.
she gave me a gift. it was funny 'coz she was telling me that she didn't know what to give me. it was the first time that she had a hard time thinking about gifts to give to someone. i simply hid my letter along with a laminated picture of sakura (her fave anime character), in the back of her diary while she wasn't looking. on my way home, i told her to clean up her bag, since it was messy (it really was. its as messy as my bag. hehe). she eventually found the letter. my only regret was i didn't get to see her reaction after she read it, but i think i pulled a rather decently nice surprise.
and here i am, nostalgic about the day's events, even if its a plain and simple date. i pray that we could make this relationship work despite the odds where about to face in coming months...
happy, you ask? definitely...
met up with sarah at mr. donut around 9:30am. rain suddenly poured when i got her message:
kung may payong ka, punta ka na lang sa jollibee. nandun ako eh, pero kung wala ako na lang pupunta dyan...
went to fetch her. it seemed that her tricycle driver was her neighbhor/spy to her dad. she had to do something. i dunno if should be happy or sad that she's finding ways to hide our relationship from her dad. she showed me her diary and pointed out the instances that she saw me (or any entry that had my name on it. looks like she was my no.1 fan). i was laughing at her entries, i never thought i had that much impact on her. i really don't.
we went to gateway. she hasn't gone there ever. figured giving her a tour would be fun. had lunch at tang city, while exchanging stories of just about anything. its refreshing that she didn't ask too many questions. either that or i've somehow grown used to it that i couldn't feel like she was asking me anything anymore. we went to megamall after lunch - to watch a movie. why go there when you have movie houses at gateway? - megamall was cheaper. end of story. it wasn't my decision, by the way.
watched "the legend of zorro". we had a few good laughs, especially with the horse (na daig pa ang mga tambay sa kanto sa mga bisyo). it was nice that i could watch a good movie while having someone special in my arms. warm hugs can be so addicting. hehe.
told her that i wanted to atend mass, and that the church at UP had a 6pm mass. we decided to go. i guess lasting for a month despite the situation (or anything really), is worth praying for. i just wanted to say thanks to Him, even if i already wishpered my prayers the day before over at edsa shrine. it was her first time to enter UP's catholic church (man, how many "first time"s have i given her? [no pun intended ;p]). went to sm north for dinner. went about that same anything-goes-anything-under-the-sun conversation. took a van to malolos, and brought her to her place.
she gave me a gift. it was funny 'coz she was telling me that she didn't know what to give me. it was the first time that she had a hard time thinking about gifts to give to someone. i simply hid my letter along with a laminated picture of sakura (her fave anime character), in the back of her diary while she wasn't looking. on my way home, i told her to clean up her bag, since it was messy (it really was. its as messy as my bag. hehe). she eventually found the letter. my only regret was i didn't get to see her reaction after she read it, but i think i pulled a rather decently nice surprise.
and here i am, nostalgic about the day's events, even if its a plain and simple date. i pray that we could make this relationship work despite the odds where about to face in coming months...
happy, you ask? definitely...
Thursday, October 20, 2005
on being dense
wouldn't it be convinient if some people had just an ounce of sensitivity fused into their bones?
its a sad thought, that even if things are blantantly obvious people JUST DON'T GET IT, and it makes things difficult. though i enjoy expounding on things about life, sometimes stating that which is obvious is just a pain in the ass.
i'm really not in the writing mood as of the moment... experiencing extremes overnight can be nerveracking...
its a sad thought, that even if things are blantantly obvious people JUST DON'T GET IT, and it makes things difficult. though i enjoy expounding on things about life, sometimes stating that which is obvious is just a pain in the ass.
i'm really not in the writing mood as of the moment... experiencing extremes overnight can be nerveracking...
Monday, October 17, 2005
so... is this the trade off?
current mood: bittersweet ---> if you can call this a mood
the bitter part:
i am drained to the core by simply doing nothing at all. this "long vacation" is starting to get to my nerves... but i can't find it in me to have atleast an ounce of motivation to look for a job, probably because i know i'm gonna be busy come november... still it's not an excuse...
my inspiration has ran off somewhere, and i can't seem to find it. its actually weird... i'm supposed to be inspired, but its not the case... anyway, i maybe thinking too much...
i miss my freinds terribly. i was supposed to go badminton last saturday. i'm supposed to go to baguio. but circumstances won't allow me. i'm trying to save for my tuition. my other activities create conflict. and even if i DO set an activity, chances of it pushing through would be low. people just have separate lives now, and you can't demand time from them. there's really nothing wrong with it - its just sad...
the sweet part:
i still don't get the hang of having a relationship... but its actually a nice feeling. aside from the conflicts and some other stuff, i think i'm doing rather well... maybe a lot better than my last relationship. i think all the conflicts are expected. God must have been pretty confident to give me someone as difficult as sarah. our differences are clear... and everything in me is being tested everytime we try to discuss our conflicts. sadly, it doesn't seem to help us create a solution... i'm actually tired, and its only barely 2 weeks. i never thought having a relationship can be this tiring - entailing a lot of work, time and patience. how come i don't see the same problem in other couples? how come they seem to carry it pretty well?
*sigh* questions... questions...
i can't say that i need a break. i'm already having it. still i feel like i need to do something during this break...
the bitter part:
i am drained to the core by simply doing nothing at all. this "long vacation" is starting to get to my nerves... but i can't find it in me to have atleast an ounce of motivation to look for a job, probably because i know i'm gonna be busy come november... still it's not an excuse...
my inspiration has ran off somewhere, and i can't seem to find it. its actually weird... i'm supposed to be inspired, but its not the case... anyway, i maybe thinking too much...
i miss my freinds terribly. i was supposed to go badminton last saturday. i'm supposed to go to baguio. but circumstances won't allow me. i'm trying to save for my tuition. my other activities create conflict. and even if i DO set an activity, chances of it pushing through would be low. people just have separate lives now, and you can't demand time from them. there's really nothing wrong with it - its just sad...
the sweet part:
i still don't get the hang of having a relationship... but its actually a nice feeling. aside from the conflicts and some other stuff, i think i'm doing rather well... maybe a lot better than my last relationship. i think all the conflicts are expected. God must have been pretty confident to give me someone as difficult as sarah. our differences are clear... and everything in me is being tested everytime we try to discuss our conflicts. sadly, it doesn't seem to help us create a solution... i'm actually tired, and its only barely 2 weeks. i never thought having a relationship can be this tiring - entailing a lot of work, time and patience. how come i don't see the same problem in other couples? how come they seem to carry it pretty well?
*sigh* questions... questions...
i can't say that i need a break. i'm already having it. still i feel like i need to do something during this break...
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
after a year of blogging...
funny... its been a year since i started writing my thoughts... hehe.
major changes
a week ago, my sister celebrated her 25th birthday. we had lunch over at max's. it was fun as usual, with my mom and siblings joking around while eating. my brother suddenly pulled out his phone (which is now non-exsistent by the way, thanks to that particular species of humans called "snatchers"), and showed his newly downloaded "tarot card fortune telling" feature. each one tried asking his phone on certain aspects of our lives (asking a phone about the future - how lame is that? but it was fun, nonetheless). when my turn was up, the tarot cards told me that a major change will occur in my life, and i wouldn't be ready for it. it will be hard, but it will surely make me better in the end. i went for a second try, i got the same results...
and now, i'm taking a master's degree in november, i have this relationship with sarah, and i'm gonna have a job soon enough... talk about freaky... makes me wonder if i can handle all of it.
nostalgia while cleaning
i was feleing a little hyper the other day, so i decided i'd clean my room (which took me all day 'coz my room is like the house's dressing room/stock room). i got a hold of my boxes of memories, as i call it, and read some of my letters from people from HS and college. i have two boxes already, filled with gifts, old pictures, letter, memiors and other sentimental stuff (geez, had not i stopped i would probably have to buy myself a treasure chest). read some the letters, even found the one sarah sent me 5 years ago. it was nice to know that i had/have people in my life who touched me one way or another... (wait, that didn't sound right....) probably wasted an hour or two on it.
after a year
guess my boss was right. writing the important things in your life and reading them after sometime makes you realize and know yourself better. though you undergo changes and you adjust everyday with every people you meet, you'll only notice it when you have something to look back at... needless to say, my life can still relate much to this song. (damnit, i can't find this song anywhere. i can't add it to my friendster page. *sigh*)
mad season
matchbox twenty
i feel stupid - but i know it won't last for long
i've been guessing, and i could've been guessin' wrong
you don't know me now
i kinda thought that you should somehow
does that whole mad season got you down
i feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes
i've been changing, i think it's funny how no one knows
we don't talk about
the little things that we do without
when that whole mad season comes around
so why you gotta stand there
looking like the answer now
it seems to me - you'd come around
i need you now
do you think you can cope
you figured me out - i'm lost and i'm hopeless
i'm bleeding and broken - though i've never spoken
i come undone - in this mad season
i feel stupid - but i think i been catchin' on
i feel ugly - but i know i still turn you on
you've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
will that whole mad season knock you down
so are you gonna stand there
or are you gonna help me out
we need to be together now
i need you now
do you think you can cope
you figured me out that i'm lost and i'm hopeless
i'm bleeding and broken - though i've never spoken
i come undone - in this mad season
now i'm cryin' - isn't that what you want
and i'm tryin' to live my life on my own
but i won't
at times - i do believe i am strong
so someone tell me why, why, why
do i, i, i feel stupid
and i came undone
i come undone
yeah, i need you now
do you think you can cope
you figured me out - i'm a child and i'm hopeless
i'm bleeding and broken - though i've never spoken
i come undone, oh i come undone
this mad season
this mad season
it beens a mad season
major changes
a week ago, my sister celebrated her 25th birthday. we had lunch over at max's. it was fun as usual, with my mom and siblings joking around while eating. my brother suddenly pulled out his phone (which is now non-exsistent by the way, thanks to that particular species of humans called "snatchers"), and showed his newly downloaded "tarot card fortune telling" feature. each one tried asking his phone on certain aspects of our lives (asking a phone about the future - how lame is that? but it was fun, nonetheless). when my turn was up, the tarot cards told me that a major change will occur in my life, and i wouldn't be ready for it. it will be hard, but it will surely make me better in the end. i went for a second try, i got the same results...
and now, i'm taking a master's degree in november, i have this relationship with sarah, and i'm gonna have a job soon enough... talk about freaky... makes me wonder if i can handle all of it.
nostalgia while cleaning
i was feleing a little hyper the other day, so i decided i'd clean my room (which took me all day 'coz my room is like the house's dressing room/stock room). i got a hold of my boxes of memories, as i call it, and read some of my letters from people from HS and college. i have two boxes already, filled with gifts, old pictures, letter, memiors and other sentimental stuff (geez, had not i stopped i would probably have to buy myself a treasure chest). read some the letters, even found the one sarah sent me 5 years ago. it was nice to know that i had/have people in my life who touched me one way or another... (wait, that didn't sound right....) probably wasted an hour or two on it.
after a year
guess my boss was right. writing the important things in your life and reading them after sometime makes you realize and know yourself better. though you undergo changes and you adjust everyday with every people you meet, you'll only notice it when you have something to look back at... needless to say, my life can still relate much to this song. (damnit, i can't find this song anywhere. i can't add it to my friendster page. *sigh*)
mad season
matchbox twenty
i feel stupid - but i know it won't last for long
i've been guessing, and i could've been guessin' wrong
you don't know me now
i kinda thought that you should somehow
does that whole mad season got you down
i feel stupid but it's something that comes and goes
i've been changing, i think it's funny how no one knows
we don't talk about
the little things that we do without
when that whole mad season comes around
so why you gotta stand there
looking like the answer now
it seems to me - you'd come around
i need you now
do you think you can cope
you figured me out - i'm lost and i'm hopeless
i'm bleeding and broken - though i've never spoken
i come undone - in this mad season
i feel stupid - but i think i been catchin' on
i feel ugly - but i know i still turn you on
you've grown colder now, torn apart, angry, turned around
will that whole mad season knock you down
so are you gonna stand there
or are you gonna help me out
we need to be together now
i need you now
do you think you can cope
you figured me out that i'm lost and i'm hopeless
i'm bleeding and broken - though i've never spoken
i come undone - in this mad season
now i'm cryin' - isn't that what you want
and i'm tryin' to live my life on my own
but i won't
at times - i do believe i am strong
so someone tell me why, why, why
do i, i, i feel stupid
and i came undone
i come undone
yeah, i need you now
do you think you can cope
you figured me out - i'm a child and i'm hopeless
i'm bleeding and broken - though i've never spoken
i come undone, oh i come undone
this mad season
this mad season
it beens a mad season
Saturday, October 01, 2005
about that Yspeak episode
yeah, yeah i know this is almost a week delayed but hey, better late than never, yes? ;p
Yspeak had "love and relationship" as topic for their first year anniversary. ryan and bianca weren't the hosts, but rather the panelists that day. it was definitely a good watch, 'coz now i'm gonna hear a lot of sense from ryan and bianca.
funny as it seems, i took down notes on some points they made. (actually, jenny told me to kasi di sya nakapanood. hehe). some of the points are as follows:
1. a relationship shouldn't be based on NEED.
- correct. one should be a complete person before entering a relationship. you don't (and shouldn't) enter a relationship because you're needy. in relationships, what matters is what you give, not what you can get from it. makes me think about that "finding a person who will complete you" thing. it sounds like crap now.
2. if something good is happening, value it.
- correct. good things are gifts from God. sometimes we are too often precautious and afraid that "one good thing today" would mean "one bad thing tomorrow". often times we tend to over-analyze, or on the opposite end - take it for granted. i would sound like a happy-go-lucky bastard, but enjoying things as they come and not worrying too much about it is one way of being happy. it also scares away bad dreams. hehe.
3. expectations are the worst accessories in a relationship.
- correct. i sometimes wonder if one has the right to expect anything from someone close to him/her. perhaps people do have that right, but it doesn't mean they have to use that right to expect anything from anyone. when the expectation isn't met, it would only lead to disappointment, and could potentially damage whatever it is you have. expecting less would make one happier.
4. there are noe accidents in God's plan.
- correct. though its really hard to trust that God has great plans for you, still you have to believe that there are reasons for everything. God wants the best for all of us, and our plans couldn't be any grander than wha He has in store for us. you just have to have faith...
5. pressure will only lead to undesirable results.
- except maybe in the formation of diamonds. hehe. being single isn't a sin nor a crime. its alright. love finds you, not the other way around. you just have to wait for it to hit you, and while you wait, enjoy the time of waiting.
there. i would post my ym conversation with jenny, but i figured i'd do that some other time...
Yspeak had "love and relationship" as topic for their first year anniversary. ryan and bianca weren't the hosts, but rather the panelists that day. it was definitely a good watch, 'coz now i'm gonna hear a lot of sense from ryan and bianca.
funny as it seems, i took down notes on some points they made. (actually, jenny told me to kasi di sya nakapanood. hehe). some of the points are as follows:
1. a relationship shouldn't be based on NEED.
- correct. one should be a complete person before entering a relationship. you don't (and shouldn't) enter a relationship because you're needy. in relationships, what matters is what you give, not what you can get from it. makes me think about that "finding a person who will complete you" thing. it sounds like crap now.
2. if something good is happening, value it.
- correct. good things are gifts from God. sometimes we are too often precautious and afraid that "one good thing today" would mean "one bad thing tomorrow". often times we tend to over-analyze, or on the opposite end - take it for granted. i would sound like a happy-go-lucky bastard, but enjoying things as they come and not worrying too much about it is one way of being happy. it also scares away bad dreams. hehe.
3. expectations are the worst accessories in a relationship.
- correct. i sometimes wonder if one has the right to expect anything from someone close to him/her. perhaps people do have that right, but it doesn't mean they have to use that right to expect anything from anyone. when the expectation isn't met, it would only lead to disappointment, and could potentially damage whatever it is you have. expecting less would make one happier.
4. there are noe accidents in God's plan.
- correct. though its really hard to trust that God has great plans for you, still you have to believe that there are reasons for everything. God wants the best for all of us, and our plans couldn't be any grander than wha He has in store for us. you just have to have faith...
5. pressure will only lead to undesirable results.
- except maybe in the formation of diamonds. hehe. being single isn't a sin nor a crime. its alright. love finds you, not the other way around. you just have to wait for it to hit you, and while you wait, enjoy the time of waiting.
there. i would post my ym conversation with jenny, but i figured i'd do that some other time...
Thursday, September 29, 2005
more of the previous stuff
was going through my folders to take out some garbage and free some disk space... and look what i found? =)
While waiting at Mc Café
What has happened to me?
Am I drugged? Perhaps.
Nostalgia fills my very core
For reasons beyond my erudition
Am I happy? Yes.
Why? That I do not know.
A timeless tale I lived under a cloak of misery
A heart once broken into a thousand pieces
Is this real? Maybe.
What is real? Frankly, a word seemingly inconceivable
Yet somehow it has no bearing to know
More so, to question such
Am I dreaming? I might be.
A dream I have no control over
Though it seemed like utopia
A feeling close to inner peace
Am I blinded? No.
I catch a glimpse of the world in a new light
One I’ve never seen before, or one I have forgotten
Life’s simple lesson that once was vague and blurred
Am I crazy? Possibly.
Circumstances dictate that I be dismal
Yet I feel otherwise
For I deem it is God’s will
Has my dark side vanished? No.
The beast has grown weaker
With no hatred to feed on
And more music soothing its anger
Though I thrived on chaos, panic and disorder
It somehow doesn’t matter
A wasteland ostensibly without escape
somehow has lost significance
When did this happen?
A moment of clarity as though struck by lighting
Defining moments in my life I could blame
Yet it is you I impugn the most
For you have shed light into this realm
Sadness melted by your smile
A sense of tranquility brought about by your presence
A warmth of love bestowed by your touch
And if in this lifetime I be forbidden
And denied happiness within your embrace
I would bend rules and destroy kingdoms
Only to see the sparkle from your eyes
Is love the cause of all this?
A word I once dread
A word, which has left me torn
Now comes back to resurrect me
Perchance it is love
But now has better perception
A love that is willing to wait
And enjoys the time of waiting
A love that will appreciate
And accept daggers of reality
A love that brings me close to you
And closer to the one who gave you to me
here's another one. it's untitled. hehe.
As I wander in a seemingly alternate realm
Filled with uncertainty, fear and doubt
I came across an angel
I can only see through mirrors
A sweet grin that brings the summer breeze
Upon depths of curiosity
And eyes that sparkle like diamonds
Veiled with interest and mystery
And as I hie to slumber from a weary day
I find myself in the comfort of her sight
Is this a dream? Or so it seems
That I have been thinking about her
Who are you? I may ask
Yet I received no response
I gazed at her as she stood
Puzzled by how and why it was such
Could this mean anything?
Or am I in a reverie?
Dazed once by a stranger
Enticed forever by her smile
And so when all is said
And my thoughts are poured into words
I am yet to wake up another day
Hoping to know her even more
my copy of "emancipation" was corrupted. i barely remember the lines to it... oh well.
its rather good that words don't haunt me these days... hehe. hopefully i'll be able to write a happy one.
While waiting at Mc Café
What has happened to me?
Am I drugged? Perhaps.
Nostalgia fills my very core
For reasons beyond my erudition
Am I happy? Yes.
Why? That I do not know.
A timeless tale I lived under a cloak of misery
A heart once broken into a thousand pieces
Is this real? Maybe.
What is real? Frankly, a word seemingly inconceivable
Yet somehow it has no bearing to know
More so, to question such
Am I dreaming? I might be.
A dream I have no control over
Though it seemed like utopia
A feeling close to inner peace
Am I blinded? No.
I catch a glimpse of the world in a new light
One I’ve never seen before, or one I have forgotten
Life’s simple lesson that once was vague and blurred
Am I crazy? Possibly.
Circumstances dictate that I be dismal
Yet I feel otherwise
For I deem it is God’s will
Has my dark side vanished? No.
The beast has grown weaker
With no hatred to feed on
And more music soothing its anger
Though I thrived on chaos, panic and disorder
It somehow doesn’t matter
A wasteland ostensibly without escape
somehow has lost significance
When did this happen?
A moment of clarity as though struck by lighting
Defining moments in my life I could blame
Yet it is you I impugn the most
For you have shed light into this realm
Sadness melted by your smile
A sense of tranquility brought about by your presence
A warmth of love bestowed by your touch
And if in this lifetime I be forbidden
And denied happiness within your embrace
I would bend rules and destroy kingdoms
Only to see the sparkle from your eyes
Is love the cause of all this?
A word I once dread
A word, which has left me torn
Now comes back to resurrect me
Perchance it is love
But now has better perception
A love that is willing to wait
And enjoys the time of waiting
A love that will appreciate
And accept daggers of reality
A love that brings me close to you
And closer to the one who gave you to me
here's another one. it's untitled. hehe.
As I wander in a seemingly alternate realm
Filled with uncertainty, fear and doubt
I came across an angel
I can only see through mirrors
A sweet grin that brings the summer breeze
Upon depths of curiosity
And eyes that sparkle like diamonds
Veiled with interest and mystery
And as I hie to slumber from a weary day
I find myself in the comfort of her sight
Is this a dream? Or so it seems
That I have been thinking about her
Who are you? I may ask
Yet I received no response
I gazed at her as she stood
Puzzled by how and why it was such
Could this mean anything?
Or am I in a reverie?
Dazed once by a stranger
Enticed forever by her smile
And so when all is said
And my thoughts are poured into words
I am yet to wake up another day
Hoping to know her even more
my copy of "emancipation" was corrupted. i barely remember the lines to it... oh well.
its rather good that words don't haunt me these days... hehe. hopefully i'll be able to write a happy one.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
i'm tired...
its weird that i'm all stressed out and i can't even make sense out of it and put it on paper...
as for what i think, i don't know what to think anymore...
as for what i feel, i'm sure. i just need guts. is that a bad thing?
as for what i believe in, they are constantly being tested. i am shaken and disappointed in myself.
perhaps i've been in bed for too long. perhaps i've been resting for too long. perhaps i've been enjoying life too much i refuse to think anymore. i hate it when i realize that i'm wrong. i hate it when i realize i've hurt someone. i hate that everyday i realize that i know less and less about love and relationships.
i don't know what to think anymore... i just don't want to lose myself to someone again. i'm tired of picking up pieces of myself after someone breaks me into thousand pieces.
as for what i think, i don't know what to think anymore...
as for what i feel, i'm sure. i just need guts. is that a bad thing?
as for what i believe in, they are constantly being tested. i am shaken and disappointed in myself.
perhaps i've been in bed for too long. perhaps i've been resting for too long. perhaps i've been enjoying life too much i refuse to think anymore. i hate it when i realize that i'm wrong. i hate it when i realize i've hurt someone. i hate that everyday i realize that i know less and less about love and relationships.
i don't know what to think anymore... i just don't want to lose myself to someone again. i'm tired of picking up pieces of myself after someone breaks me into thousand pieces.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
another downer
who would've thought a fun adventure to the unknown would result to breakdown, on my part at least...
was suppose to meet sarah last tuesday to teach her qualitative methods. we had breakfast together, talked, joked around - that was lots of fun...
she wanted me to meet her bestfriend, ace, but he wasn't home. we ended up going to pampanga, where we strolled around 2 malls. we stayed at starubucks and had a couple of hot white chocolate while i teach her what she wanted to know. there were side stroies in between sessions, we were laughing. it was lots of fun...
we watched wedding crashers, honestly, i didn't understand the film at all. we were talking a lot during the movie. now i know something was wrong with her... but i ignored it. it was lots of fun...
had dinner at jollibee, and talked about religion. she and her family were deeply religious, and it was a complete shock for her to know that even i am catholic, i don't pray the rosary anymore (others might think its shallow, but its a big deal for her). she remained silent for a few hours while we were figuring out our way home (yes, none of us knew how to get there, adn how to get home). i could sense sadness and disappointment in her. she wanted someone who has the same beliefs as her. i won't change my beliefs just so to please someone. now we have more problems than uncertainty...
we went to her place and talked about our situation (for the nth time), but to no avail. nothing was cleared out. we just realized our similarities in terms of thinking. it was like talking to myself, along with the gestures and stuff. it was a bit weird, but i learned how difficult a person i was. i mean, i know that i'm difficult, but i didn't i was THAT difficult. then i wondered if two difficult people could work out in a relationship... among other things... she doesn't seem to know how to love, yes its weird, but from where i'm standing - with all the things happening around me, nothing seems to be normal. being the seeker of truth that i am, i tried to find out why she feels nothing...
sometimes finding out the truth doesn't feel good at all...
turns out she still loves this guy in her past. the one who brought her confidence back, the one who loved her unconditionally, the one who wrote her a poem with shallow words (yeah, call me bitter. i prefer "critical"). perhaps that's the reason she feels nothing when she's with other people, she needs to express her love for the guy but she can't, so she does it with people she's comfortable with. unfortunately, i'm falling for her... and she doesn't even believe it. who would? its been 3 1/2 weeks. how can someone fall in such a short time?
the solution:
i need clarity. she needs to settle her issues with her guy. we both need a breather. a month would be ok. no communication, no hi's, no hello's, no "eat your dinner", no "goodnights" and "sweet dreams", no "take care" and "i miss you". nothing. everything happened so fast. it can't be true. its too good to be true (a line we both agree on).
on uncertainty:
maybe i am being unfair. i don't want to get my heart broken, yet i don't guarantee her anything. i want her to be sure, yet i, myself, am not sure...
sarah's friends tell her she might just be fond of me because i tend to stimulate her intellectual side. she told me that she has never met anyone who can argue with her and stand her POVs. she's not sure if her friends are right. she feels comfortable being around me, but she feels nothing. perhaps her friends are right. if that's the case, i'm in for another heartbreak. yes, i don't love her yet. maybe i just don't want to believe it, but i'm sure that my feelings are at a level where heartbreak is possible...
on rationalizing things:
it was then that i realized how weird we can be - rationalizing things that we're suppose to feel. i want to believe that God gave her to me to love... but now i tend to realize that perhaps she was given to me to make me understand that i'm not really living my life... i'm only thinking about it... and so was she. we talked until 12:30 am, she didn't want me to go home anymore. i slept (or at least tried) at her place. i kept thinking why she behaves the way she does, and if whole thing would result in a relationship or if its just another learning experience...
morning came and i went home. i took a shower and still thought about tuesday's events... there were poem lines tormenting my head... so i tried to put them into writing. i couldn't find them when i sat down in front of my screen... lifehouse's "everything started palying... and i started to breakdown... tears filled my keyboard as i heard the lines, "you're all i want, you're all i need, you're everything, everything..."
i'm very much spent right now. i need to talk to someone... but i guess there will be times when no one will be around, just me and my PC... and so i write this... i hope my heartbreak won't be complete... i hope september ends quickly...
was suppose to meet sarah last tuesday to teach her qualitative methods. we had breakfast together, talked, joked around - that was lots of fun...
she wanted me to meet her bestfriend, ace, but he wasn't home. we ended up going to pampanga, where we strolled around 2 malls. we stayed at starubucks and had a couple of hot white chocolate while i teach her what she wanted to know. there were side stroies in between sessions, we were laughing. it was lots of fun...
we watched wedding crashers, honestly, i didn't understand the film at all. we were talking a lot during the movie. now i know something was wrong with her... but i ignored it. it was lots of fun...
had dinner at jollibee, and talked about religion. she and her family were deeply religious, and it was a complete shock for her to know that even i am catholic, i don't pray the rosary anymore (others might think its shallow, but its a big deal for her). she remained silent for a few hours while we were figuring out our way home (yes, none of us knew how to get there, adn how to get home). i could sense sadness and disappointment in her. she wanted someone who has the same beliefs as her. i won't change my beliefs just so to please someone. now we have more problems than uncertainty...
we went to her place and talked about our situation (for the nth time), but to no avail. nothing was cleared out. we just realized our similarities in terms of thinking. it was like talking to myself, along with the gestures and stuff. it was a bit weird, but i learned how difficult a person i was. i mean, i know that i'm difficult, but i didn't i was THAT difficult. then i wondered if two difficult people could work out in a relationship... among other things... she doesn't seem to know how to love, yes its weird, but from where i'm standing - with all the things happening around me, nothing seems to be normal. being the seeker of truth that i am, i tried to find out why she feels nothing...
sometimes finding out the truth doesn't feel good at all...
turns out she still loves this guy in her past. the one who brought her confidence back, the one who loved her unconditionally, the one who wrote her a poem with shallow words (yeah, call me bitter. i prefer "critical"). perhaps that's the reason she feels nothing when she's with other people, she needs to express her love for the guy but she can't, so she does it with people she's comfortable with. unfortunately, i'm falling for her... and she doesn't even believe it. who would? its been 3 1/2 weeks. how can someone fall in such a short time?
the solution:
i need clarity. she needs to settle her issues with her guy. we both need a breather. a month would be ok. no communication, no hi's, no hello's, no "eat your dinner", no "goodnights" and "sweet dreams", no "take care" and "i miss you". nothing. everything happened so fast. it can't be true. its too good to be true (a line we both agree on).
on uncertainty:
maybe i am being unfair. i don't want to get my heart broken, yet i don't guarantee her anything. i want her to be sure, yet i, myself, am not sure...
sarah's friends tell her she might just be fond of me because i tend to stimulate her intellectual side. she told me that she has never met anyone who can argue with her and stand her POVs. she's not sure if her friends are right. she feels comfortable being around me, but she feels nothing. perhaps her friends are right. if that's the case, i'm in for another heartbreak. yes, i don't love her yet. maybe i just don't want to believe it, but i'm sure that my feelings are at a level where heartbreak is possible...
on rationalizing things:
it was then that i realized how weird we can be - rationalizing things that we're suppose to feel. i want to believe that God gave her to me to love... but now i tend to realize that perhaps she was given to me to make me understand that i'm not really living my life... i'm only thinking about it... and so was she. we talked until 12:30 am, she didn't want me to go home anymore. i slept (or at least tried) at her place. i kept thinking why she behaves the way she does, and if whole thing would result in a relationship or if its just another learning experience...
morning came and i went home. i took a shower and still thought about tuesday's events... there were poem lines tormenting my head... so i tried to put them into writing. i couldn't find them when i sat down in front of my screen... lifehouse's "everything started palying... and i started to breakdown... tears filled my keyboard as i heard the lines, "you're all i want, you're all i need, you're everything, everything..."
i'm very much spent right now. i need to talk to someone... but i guess there will be times when no one will be around, just me and my PC... and so i write this... i hope my heartbreak won't be complete... i hope september ends quickly...
Monday, August 29, 2005
birthdays, bum days, and endless reflections
Let’s start with the birthday greetings, shall we? ^-^
Vinz
I know I can’t read this. You’re not the mushy type either, and saying mushy stuff to you would sound really gay. Hehe. Anyhow, like many others I can’t remember how we got close, but I’m thankful that we are. Hehe. Thanks a lot for the badminton sessions, the bowling sessions, the coffee sessions, and that one unsolicited advice on cham. Its not that I don’t trust you with my secrets, I just feel weird sharing things with a guy.
Anyway, happy birthday. I think you have things figured out, still I pray for clarity, that you will live up to Jason mraz’a lines, “when I fall in love I take my time. There’s no need to hurry when I’m making up my mind”. I hope that when you do make up your mind, it would turn out to be great.
Jenny
How many times have I told you how happy I am that we’re a lot closer now? You’ve probably read it here somewhere that one of my wishes was that you would open up a little, and you did. Thanks for the reality checks, for the patience in listening to my ramblings and rants, for opening up, for making feel that someone cares for me, for trusting me – knowing your trust can’t be easily earned by anyone. thank you. I really, really appreciate it.
Happy birthday. I pray for happiness. I pray that you may find the courage to take a step forward and take some risks. I know it’s hard, but so is everything else. Meanwhile, enjoy what’s here at present… like what you’ve always been telling me.
Shiela
You may just be one of the few people who I can just rant with and feel better after. Music plays a major part in our lives, and I tend to understand you through it. We may not have been talking a lot these days (maybe because of work, and now, because I don’t have unlimited access), but I know you understand me, through my writings. I know you like keeping things to yourself, its not a bad thing. Really. Its not.
Happy birthday! And thanks for coffee!! Hehe. I pray for trust and enlightenment. I know we’re sad beings, but that doesn’t mean that happiness is a hopeless goal for us. if ever you feel like ranting, I’m still here. Lets rant our asses off. Hehe. ;p
Grace
Ok, I feel like I’m going to be a little biased against you. the only time I got to talk to you was the time we went home together from makati. You always seem to be happy, with questions that shock the hell out of people (screw the segways, hehe). I’m afraid I have to give you the generic birthday greeting, since I’m yet to find a connection with you.
Happy birthday! Whatever it is you’re doing, I hope you’re happy. Don’t let them CP people treat you like trash, oki? Hehe. =)
Now, for my recent happenings:
yes i know i really don't work on extended hours, but i almost forgot the that good feeling of having rest. sleep without those dreams that make you tired when you wake up. i've been slept through sunday like there's no tomorrow. i feel better now, probably because i finally got some rest... but you know me - there are things beyond superficial that i believe made me feel better.
Friday lunch with haze
Seeing haze after almost a month was rather refreshing. Didn’t know how much I missed her until I saw her. I wanted to tell her all about my past month – about sarah and about my situation with her, but what I really wanted was to hear her stories, and her feelings towards her situation. We were at pizza hut bistro, chowing down on salad, pasta, chicken, and dessert while discussing our respective issues and ways of making things a lot simpler. She gave me Paulo cohelo’s “by the river piedra I sat down and wept” and quoted some of the lines from the book (thanks haze!). I gave her a guy’s perspective on the how’s and why’s in a guy’s actions and words. We talked from 1pm to 5pm. I’m glad I have someone like haze. I have to admit it, you’re officially my bestfriend. =)
I was going to meet sarah at farmer’s plaza at around 6pm. I asked haze if she wanted to meet her, she said yes. I asked sarah if it was ok if I bring haze along, she said its ok. I think that was a mistake on my part. they ended up exchanging numbers so sarah can have atleast a remote connection to her ex, leo (the mistake part was a joke. I was happy they got along, hehe). On our way home, I held sarah’s hand, and we were at it again – discussing things on love and relationships that most people wouldn’t be discussing on a normal basis.
Saturday's birthday celebration
celebrations are always fun. what makes it a lot more fun is the fact that i haven't seen my friends for about a month now. (last time i saw haze, vinz and jr was badminton saturday, when UP lost to FEU in round one). pizza and pasta, as always. had i known this, haze and i would've eaten somewhere else the day before. but hey, one can't undo what's been done. my time with haze was fun and insightful, nonetheless.
cham, haze and i got the best seats in the arrangement. we were right in the midle of the table, so we could hear/comment on any stories, sidecomments, and whatnot. its quite funny and scary that people keep on probing on everyone else's lives - most especially on the love aspect. still it was fun. a different fun from what i've been feeling for the past month.
after 3 hours of random nothings, we decided to move to another place (the waiter at a venetto was kinda pissed of and cleaned our table without even asking - taking plates and refillable glasses at will. i wouldn't be surprised if aiza gives him a piece of her mind). we invaded starbucks 6750, and continued with the random nothings while waiting for shiela's ride to cavite. i missed the smell of coffee, but i restrained myself from a white mocha frap for 2 reasons:
i only had money enough to pay my damage for the celebrants' gifts. vinz could have lent me some money, but borrowing to buy a luxury isn’t really my thing.
i was sick. coffee is acidic. it may irritate my already-irritated throat.
After a little while, it was time to go to cavite
Cavite trip
It was pat midnight (I think) when we got there. Everyone was sleepy, or at least I’m saying this so it wouldn’t seem like I’m the only one who’s getting old. T.V. had nothing to offer but german moreno – it’s the first time I had to watch it, since I’m often asleep at 1 in the morning.
Bingo wasn’t really my thing, so I just watched them as they play with bingo cards, pebbles (is that what you call them?), and a few change. They had rules for winning and losing, but I don’t remember them. They took out a bottle of bailey’s… as much as I wanted to drink… I didn’t. I was already barking like a mad dog on the sight of a mailman due to my cough. I really didn’t want to make it worse than it already is. I went to inside the room to sleep while they sing alanis’ acoustic version of “jagged little pill”. Didn’t know what time it was when they went inside to sleep. Was laughing inside ‘coz cham, vinz and haze were drunk with ramblings of just about anything – and in English, no less. I was also laughing inside ‘coz we had vinz cornered with questions. he eventually answered some of them… making things a lot clearer fro some people (I feel I have to be more careful with names this time, since my audience is getting bigger. Hehe).
Woke up at 6am (body clock’s still set at working mode), cham and jenny wanted to leave early, so I was the designated alarm clock. It was then when I told cham that she was finally off the hook. It was nice to know that she was happy for me (or atleast that’s what I felt) – that I may have found my cure. That moment when we brushed our teeth together would go into my list of simple yet memorable moments. I’m really happy that I can tell her everything freely and honestly.
We got to go home along with jr and jacque (thanks guys!), I got to talk more about sarah with jenny. I’m really happy that I can finally say that she’s (jenny) my buddy. Though there are things in my life that are rather unclear, I’m happy that I have found some sense of closeness with friends. I may not be able to hold it together if not for you guys, and for that I am very much thankful.
Vinz
I know I can’t read this. You’re not the mushy type either, and saying mushy stuff to you would sound really gay. Hehe. Anyhow, like many others I can’t remember how we got close, but I’m thankful that we are. Hehe. Thanks a lot for the badminton sessions, the bowling sessions, the coffee sessions, and that one unsolicited advice on cham. Its not that I don’t trust you with my secrets, I just feel weird sharing things with a guy.
Anyway, happy birthday. I think you have things figured out, still I pray for clarity, that you will live up to Jason mraz’a lines, “when I fall in love I take my time. There’s no need to hurry when I’m making up my mind”. I hope that when you do make up your mind, it would turn out to be great.
Jenny
How many times have I told you how happy I am that we’re a lot closer now? You’ve probably read it here somewhere that one of my wishes was that you would open up a little, and you did. Thanks for the reality checks, for the patience in listening to my ramblings and rants, for opening up, for making feel that someone cares for me, for trusting me – knowing your trust can’t be easily earned by anyone. thank you. I really, really appreciate it.
Happy birthday. I pray for happiness. I pray that you may find the courage to take a step forward and take some risks. I know it’s hard, but so is everything else. Meanwhile, enjoy what’s here at present… like what you’ve always been telling me.
Shiela
You may just be one of the few people who I can just rant with and feel better after. Music plays a major part in our lives, and I tend to understand you through it. We may not have been talking a lot these days (maybe because of work, and now, because I don’t have unlimited access), but I know you understand me, through my writings. I know you like keeping things to yourself, its not a bad thing. Really. Its not.
Happy birthday! And thanks for coffee!! Hehe. I pray for trust and enlightenment. I know we’re sad beings, but that doesn’t mean that happiness is a hopeless goal for us. if ever you feel like ranting, I’m still here. Lets rant our asses off. Hehe. ;p
Grace
Ok, I feel like I’m going to be a little biased against you. the only time I got to talk to you was the time we went home together from makati. You always seem to be happy, with questions that shock the hell out of people (screw the segways, hehe). I’m afraid I have to give you the generic birthday greeting, since I’m yet to find a connection with you.
Happy birthday! Whatever it is you’re doing, I hope you’re happy. Don’t let them CP people treat you like trash, oki? Hehe. =)
Now, for my recent happenings:
yes i know i really don't work on extended hours, but i almost forgot the that good feeling of having rest. sleep without those dreams that make you tired when you wake up. i've been slept through sunday like there's no tomorrow. i feel better now, probably because i finally got some rest... but you know me - there are things beyond superficial that i believe made me feel better.
Friday lunch with haze
Seeing haze after almost a month was rather refreshing. Didn’t know how much I missed her until I saw her. I wanted to tell her all about my past month – about sarah and about my situation with her, but what I really wanted was to hear her stories, and her feelings towards her situation. We were at pizza hut bistro, chowing down on salad, pasta, chicken, and dessert while discussing our respective issues and ways of making things a lot simpler. She gave me Paulo cohelo’s “by the river piedra I sat down and wept” and quoted some of the lines from the book (thanks haze!). I gave her a guy’s perspective on the how’s and why’s in a guy’s actions and words. We talked from 1pm to 5pm. I’m glad I have someone like haze. I have to admit it, you’re officially my bestfriend. =)
I was going to meet sarah at farmer’s plaza at around 6pm. I asked haze if she wanted to meet her, she said yes. I asked sarah if it was ok if I bring haze along, she said its ok. I think that was a mistake on my part. they ended up exchanging numbers so sarah can have atleast a remote connection to her ex, leo (the mistake part was a joke. I was happy they got along, hehe). On our way home, I held sarah’s hand, and we were at it again – discussing things on love and relationships that most people wouldn’t be discussing on a normal basis.
Saturday's birthday celebration
celebrations are always fun. what makes it a lot more fun is the fact that i haven't seen my friends for about a month now. (last time i saw haze, vinz and jr was badminton saturday, when UP lost to FEU in round one). pizza and pasta, as always. had i known this, haze and i would've eaten somewhere else the day before. but hey, one can't undo what's been done. my time with haze was fun and insightful, nonetheless.
cham, haze and i got the best seats in the arrangement. we were right in the midle of the table, so we could hear/comment on any stories, sidecomments, and whatnot. its quite funny and scary that people keep on probing on everyone else's lives - most especially on the love aspect. still it was fun. a different fun from what i've been feeling for the past month.
after 3 hours of random nothings, we decided to move to another place (the waiter at a venetto was kinda pissed of and cleaned our table without even asking - taking plates and refillable glasses at will. i wouldn't be surprised if aiza gives him a piece of her mind). we invaded starbucks 6750, and continued with the random nothings while waiting for shiela's ride to cavite. i missed the smell of coffee, but i restrained myself from a white mocha frap for 2 reasons:
i only had money enough to pay my damage for the celebrants' gifts. vinz could have lent me some money, but borrowing to buy a luxury isn’t really my thing.
i was sick. coffee is acidic. it may irritate my already-irritated throat.
After a little while, it was time to go to cavite
Cavite trip
It was pat midnight (I think) when we got there. Everyone was sleepy, or at least I’m saying this so it wouldn’t seem like I’m the only one who’s getting old. T.V. had nothing to offer but german moreno – it’s the first time I had to watch it, since I’m often asleep at 1 in the morning.
Bingo wasn’t really my thing, so I just watched them as they play with bingo cards, pebbles (is that what you call them?), and a few change. They had rules for winning and losing, but I don’t remember them. They took out a bottle of bailey’s… as much as I wanted to drink… I didn’t. I was already barking like a mad dog on the sight of a mailman due to my cough. I really didn’t want to make it worse than it already is. I went to inside the room to sleep while they sing alanis’ acoustic version of “jagged little pill”. Didn’t know what time it was when they went inside to sleep. Was laughing inside ‘coz cham, vinz and haze were drunk with ramblings of just about anything – and in English, no less. I was also laughing inside ‘coz we had vinz cornered with questions. he eventually answered some of them… making things a lot clearer fro some people (I feel I have to be more careful with names this time, since my audience is getting bigger. Hehe).
Woke up at 6am (body clock’s still set at working mode), cham and jenny wanted to leave early, so I was the designated alarm clock. It was then when I told cham that she was finally off the hook. It was nice to know that she was happy for me (or atleast that’s what I felt) – that I may have found my cure. That moment when we brushed our teeth together would go into my list of simple yet memorable moments. I’m really happy that I can tell her everything freely and honestly.
We got to go home along with jr and jacque (thanks guys!), I got to talk more about sarah with jenny. I’m really happy that I can finally say that she’s (jenny) my buddy. Though there are things in my life that are rather unclear, I’m happy that I have found some sense of closeness with friends. I may not be able to hold it together if not for you guys, and for that I am very much thankful.
Monday, August 22, 2005
getting better and worse at the same time
its been 3 weeks. if it was possible to replace a throat, i would've gone to an organ bank or something to have mine removed. this cough has bothered me in my work, in my hobby, in my gimiks, in my sleep, in everything else. i think it has mutated into a new form of disease- one that's not fatal, but will render you useless for the rest of your life. its been 3 weeks, and nothing has changed. i'm still sick.
its been almost a month now. things between sarah and i are becoming murkier than flood water on a stormy day. i'm slowly beginning to understand why she behaves the way she does. this behavioral analysis by psych grads isn't so hard to learn and apply after all. all her wierd, exteremely personal, bordering-to-inappropriate-and-unethical, questions are based from her experiences in love and raletionships. i get it now. she's just like me - wanting to be sure of everything. afraid of uncertainty. wants things to seen in black and white. i get it now. i know her a little better than i first met her.
yesterday was fun. i'm amazed at how i forget the time when i'm with her. still i can't find any rational explanation as to why we got along so well after not seeing each other for 10 years. its simply beyond me. friends tell me to enjoy the moment. and deal with whatever comes out of it. life is to be lived, not thought about. that sentence has been echoing in my head for the nth time already.
the thing is, i can't live it. i HAVE to think about it. why? becuase she keeps asking the same questions i'm asking myself. about me, about her, about us, about this whole thing. she wants answers, and she wants them fast. i want answers too, but i trust in god's time. see the conflict in this? i'm being forced to answer our questions. i can't give a straight one. i'm just messed up with what i feel for her. now i realize that having too many reality checks makes one doubt his own heart. i feel something for her. that i know. but what that feeling is, i don't know. maybe i like her, yes. i like her a lot. maybe its love, but it doesn't make sense. spending almost a month exchanging messages and gone out twice fro lunch and movie with someone you haven't seen in 10 years, i say its love? its crazy...
saw her at sm marilao yesterday, she wanted me to meet her sister. i needed to go buy blank cds and get money for the weekly expenses. last nights exchange is the most emotionally draining discussion i've had since my ex. i laid my cards down. i like her. i don't us to be JUST friends. that's my stand. and now i'm scared as hell. not knowing the whole situation makes me uneasy, and pissed off. i don't know what's going on between us. we've been dancing around each other for a month. things have happened. still we're lost...
i read this on friendster horoscope this morning:
The universe works in mysterious ways, and right now it's trying to get a very important message across to you, but not in the ways you're used to. In other words, don't expect a phone call. Listen to your dreams instead.
The Bottom Line
Don't go around losing your cool. That stuff's expensive. Stay calm instead.
In Detail
Ever looked into a murky pond and peered vainly to try and see all the way to the bottom? Well, taking a stick and trying to get all that cloudiness out of the way will only stir things up and make the situation even cloudier. If confusing circumstances are the order of the day, try to see what is really there before you try and figure out how to get rid of it. Otherwise you'll just make things muddier and even harder to see.
ok, stay calm. don't lose your cool. got it.
i could really use some sanity right now. i'm really scared. i trust God will take care of me and my heart (or whatever's left of it). things will turn up alright eventually. you just need to trust Him and His plans for you.
--maybe i should record this to a cd and paly it over and over... i wish God's time would come soon. i don't know how long i can endure this emotional torture...
perhaps this song would best describe me right now...
weak by jojo
I don't know what it is that you've done to me
But it's caused me to act in such a crazy way
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you do to me
It's a feeling that I want to stay
'Cuz my heart starts beating triple time
With thoughts of loving you on my mind
I can't figure out just what to do
When the cause and cure is you, yoooou
I get so weak in my knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
Mm'hmm
Time after time after time I've tried to fight it
But your love is strong, it keeps on holdin' on
Resistance is down when you're around, pride's fading
In my condition I don't want to be alone
'Cuz my heart starts beating triple time
With thoughts of loving you on my mind
I can't figure out just what to do
When the cause and cure is you, yoooo-oooh-oooh-oh
I get so weak in my knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me (Takes over me)
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet (Knocks me right off of my feet, oh yeah, oooh)
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
(Makes me weak)
Yeah, yeah, ooh I try hard to fight it
No way can I deny it
Your love's so sweet
Knocks me off my feet
I get so weak in the knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
I get so weak
Blood starts racin' through my veins
I get so weak
Girl, it's somethin' I can't explain
I get so weak
Somethin' 'bout the way you do
The things you do-ooh-ooh, it
Knocks me right off of my feet (Ooooooh, off my feet)
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
(I get so...)
I get so weak in the knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me (I lose control, takes over me)
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
(I) Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
its been almost a month now. things between sarah and i are becoming murkier than flood water on a stormy day. i'm slowly beginning to understand why she behaves the way she does. this behavioral analysis by psych grads isn't so hard to learn and apply after all. all her wierd, exteremely personal, bordering-to-inappropriate-and-unethical, questions are based from her experiences in love and raletionships. i get it now. she's just like me - wanting to be sure of everything. afraid of uncertainty. wants things to seen in black and white. i get it now. i know her a little better than i first met her.
yesterday was fun. i'm amazed at how i forget the time when i'm with her. still i can't find any rational explanation as to why we got along so well after not seeing each other for 10 years. its simply beyond me. friends tell me to enjoy the moment. and deal with whatever comes out of it. life is to be lived, not thought about. that sentence has been echoing in my head for the nth time already.
the thing is, i can't live it. i HAVE to think about it. why? becuase she keeps asking the same questions i'm asking myself. about me, about her, about us, about this whole thing. she wants answers, and she wants them fast. i want answers too, but i trust in god's time. see the conflict in this? i'm being forced to answer our questions. i can't give a straight one. i'm just messed up with what i feel for her. now i realize that having too many reality checks makes one doubt his own heart. i feel something for her. that i know. but what that feeling is, i don't know. maybe i like her, yes. i like her a lot. maybe its love, but it doesn't make sense. spending almost a month exchanging messages and gone out twice fro lunch and movie with someone you haven't seen in 10 years, i say its love? its crazy...
saw her at sm marilao yesterday, she wanted me to meet her sister. i needed to go buy blank cds and get money for the weekly expenses. last nights exchange is the most emotionally draining discussion i've had since my ex. i laid my cards down. i like her. i don't us to be JUST friends. that's my stand. and now i'm scared as hell. not knowing the whole situation makes me uneasy, and pissed off. i don't know what's going on between us. we've been dancing around each other for a month. things have happened. still we're lost...
i read this on friendster horoscope this morning:
The universe works in mysterious ways, and right now it's trying to get a very important message across to you, but not in the ways you're used to. In other words, don't expect a phone call. Listen to your dreams instead.
The Bottom Line
Don't go around losing your cool. That stuff's expensive. Stay calm instead.
In Detail
Ever looked into a murky pond and peered vainly to try and see all the way to the bottom? Well, taking a stick and trying to get all that cloudiness out of the way will only stir things up and make the situation even cloudier. If confusing circumstances are the order of the day, try to see what is really there before you try and figure out how to get rid of it. Otherwise you'll just make things muddier and even harder to see.
ok, stay calm. don't lose your cool. got it.
i could really use some sanity right now. i'm really scared. i trust God will take care of me and my heart (or whatever's left of it). things will turn up alright eventually. you just need to trust Him and His plans for you.
--maybe i should record this to a cd and paly it over and over... i wish God's time would come soon. i don't know how long i can endure this emotional torture...
perhaps this song would best describe me right now...
weak by jojo
I don't know what it is that you've done to me
But it's caused me to act in such a crazy way
Whatever it is that you do when you do what you do to me
It's a feeling that I want to stay
'Cuz my heart starts beating triple time
With thoughts of loving you on my mind
I can't figure out just what to do
When the cause and cure is you, yoooou
I get so weak in my knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
Mm'hmm
Time after time after time I've tried to fight it
But your love is strong, it keeps on holdin' on
Resistance is down when you're around, pride's fading
In my condition I don't want to be alone
'Cuz my heart starts beating triple time
With thoughts of loving you on my mind
I can't figure out just what to do
When the cause and cure is you, yoooo-oooh-oooh-oh
I get so weak in my knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me (Takes over me)
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet (Knocks me right off of my feet, oh yeah, oooh)
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
(Makes me weak)
Yeah, yeah, ooh I try hard to fight it
No way can I deny it
Your love's so sweet
Knocks me off my feet
I get so weak in the knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
I get so weak
Blood starts racin' through my veins
I get so weak
Girl, it's somethin' I can't explain
I get so weak
Somethin' 'bout the way you do
The things you do-ooh-ooh, it
Knocks me right off of my feet (Ooooooh, off my feet)
Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
(I get so...)
I get so weak in the knees
I can hardly speak
I lose all control and somethin' takes over me (I lose control, takes over me)
In a daze, your love's so amazing
It's not a phase, I want you to stay with me
By my side, I swallow my pride
Your love is so sweet, it knocks me right off of my feet
(I) Can't explain why your lovin' makes me weak
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)