question posed... i dunno the answer...
been talking to someone, whom shall be referred to as "M" a few days back, and guess who the subject is... yep, you got it right. it's about cham. now i know i've been through this a hundred times already. but hey, what can i do if she's an interesting topic for discussion?
it just surprised me that i tend to remember almost every moment she and i had in the last 3 or 4 years. and as i share every single moment, i felt more and more thankful that i have her in my life... that i didn't walk away from a damaged friendship... that i decided to stay.
now i wish this is just one of those days that i can't control my feelings and rationalize things without realities in check. being told that i am lucky that i'm close to someone like cham does make my heart skip a beat. afterall, its hard to find someone like her - an "angel", as "M" puts it. M's rather envious of my connection to her... i don't know if its worth the envy, though. my connection to her may be worth the envy, but its also frustrating to be just her friend... to see her in her highest of highs and lowest of lows, and see her being held in someone else's arms is just downright frustrating. i feel stings everytime i see that. but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it.
to be honest, i feel like i'm a proxy boyfreind everytime toff isn't around. we're sweet and all (seeing it from where i stand), but when toff's in the picture, i become part of the background. it's actually sad, lame and stupid of me to agree to such a setting, but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it...
i think constant exchange of emails with her isn't healthy also. there was a time when she sent an email just to let out some steam over a bullshit client. geez, i'm THAT close to her already? i feel some sort of comfort knowing that she opens up to me, though i'm scared out of my wits, fearing that this closeness will eventually lead to my demise... again. but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it.
maybe because i know where i stand - i'm just her friend... and i've accpeted that to a certain degree. and instead of whinning my ass off over the fact that i can't have her as someone more than a friend, i find a sense of appreciation that our friendship has gone through a very rough and rocky road... and that i'm not the only one who thinks that this friendship is worth keeping. besides, all i really wanted was for her to be happy. with toff, she seems to be such and i guess knowing that is good enough for me to set my feelings aside... hoping that one day i'd be the one making her happy.
last saturday's dinner was rather odd, for me at least. until now i still haven't adjusted to the fact (perhaps) that i'm already in her comfort zone. not that i don't like it, i just feel that i have to be more aware of my actions so as not to overstep some sort of line drawn between us...
perhaps its the fact that i'm already in vacation mode but still have to go to work 'til tomorrow that's causing me to think this way... sheesh... i better get another hobby...
Monday, December 20, 2004
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
its beginning to feel a lot like christmas
yeah. it is...
but its not the same.
christmas used to be one of my fave holidays. now, it somehow lost its magic. --> to me at least.
is this the price for growing up?
had dinner with friends last friday, i was being my annoyingly adorable self --> haha!! adorable?!?! anyways, purpose was to pick names and make wishlists for kris kringle. ofcourse the endless stories came pouring out and we decided to continue it at shang's starbucks. geez, 12mn and still we were talking. got home at 2am. but it was alright. i ahd starbucks, and i got to see my friends. --> you soft little bastard... >_<
last saturday my family and i decided to invade kenny rogers at SM marilao. thanks to my assmuming behavior and lack of understanding for what was talked about. i ended up treating them myself. it was fun though, for quite sometime now. had a few good laughs with my siblings. though we do that very often recently, its just fun to doing it in public places. my little sister told us that the manager was laughing at our antics, and other people eating were looking at us. screw them, heh. never give us a loaded camera especially when my big sister and younger brother are around. we'll take pictures like crazy. hehe. dad called and talked to each one of us, including my mom. i'm happy i made hm laugh. i rarely hear him laugh. anyways, good thing we finished all the food. -->its your money! you should finish it!! harharhar!!
i haven't done any christmas shopping. i know i'm going to run around like hell come next week. but i think its alright. oh, lynette's gonna be home on the 21st. wonder what our encounter would be like. its been over a year since we bumped into each other at friendster, as time passed we talked less and less. i still owe her a sexy, trendy top. ^_^
what will become of my savings?!?!..... *sigh*
but its not the same.
christmas used to be one of my fave holidays. now, it somehow lost its magic. --> to me at least.
is this the price for growing up?
had dinner with friends last friday, i was being my annoyingly adorable self --> haha!! adorable?!?! anyways, purpose was to pick names and make wishlists for kris kringle. ofcourse the endless stories came pouring out and we decided to continue it at shang's starbucks. geez, 12mn and still we were talking. got home at 2am. but it was alright. i ahd starbucks, and i got to see my friends. --> you soft little bastard... >_<
last saturday my family and i decided to invade kenny rogers at SM marilao. thanks to my assmuming behavior and lack of understanding for what was talked about. i ended up treating them myself. it was fun though, for quite sometime now. had a few good laughs with my siblings. though we do that very often recently, its just fun to doing it in public places. my little sister told us that the manager was laughing at our antics, and other people eating were looking at us. screw them, heh. never give us a loaded camera especially when my big sister and younger brother are around. we'll take pictures like crazy. hehe. dad called and talked to each one of us, including my mom. i'm happy i made hm laugh. i rarely hear him laugh. anyways, good thing we finished all the food. -->its your money! you should finish it!! harharhar!!
i haven't done any christmas shopping. i know i'm going to run around like hell come next week. but i think its alright. oh, lynette's gonna be home on the 21st. wonder what our encounter would be like. its been over a year since we bumped into each other at friendster, as time passed we talked less and less. i still owe her a sexy, trendy top. ^_^
what will become of my savings?!?!..... *sigh*
Thursday, December 09, 2004
bored
there. the word says it al...
its the fourth day of the week and i haven't heard from my bosses yet. people would think i'm some sort of workaholic - wanting something to do. being stuck in a room with only a laptop, an aircon, a radio, and an IP phone can really mess up your head. i'm glad i still have my sanity intact --> or at least i think.
nothing to write actually. i don't want to get myself started with the whole "aki's gone" mood. please, i'd be better off bored than sad.
feh.
i just had to say that. excuse me while i repeat it...
feh.
there, a bit better. but still bored.
ah, i know what to talk about now.
i've recently grown a certain amount of interest in drawing. i had this gang member way back in HS --> our gang was called MIB. what it means? beats me... who's currently making a game, and a very impressive one at that.
i'm not really a fan of RPGs but i might give it a try once he's done with it. he only has demo versions of the game, i might be left hanging playing an incomplete game. but enough about the game, i was more interested in the graphics he put into it. you see, we both share a common interest in drawing. maybe that's why we became good friends. anyways, the graphics are awesome. i felt inspiration and envy for him. he gets to do the stuff he WANTS to do. i, on the other hand, though quite enjoying what i do --> except for some ocassions when i'm considered a working bum... this wasn't really what i had in mind...
okay, okay i know its a bit, no, a lot too late for having regrets. i don't have any, really. but when i was young there are only three things i want to do in life: (1) make a full lenght animation series, (2) make a game similar to streetfighter and (3) make a virus that's relatively destructive but curable --> by me, ofcourse *evil grin*.
i don't know where i got the ideas, but up until now i want to do them.
what does it have to do with my recent interest in harnessing my art skills? --> if i have any. i don't know. --> i told you being stuck in a room all day without anything to do can mess things up in your head. i've been wanting to draw characters of my own. i'm able to do that, but they lack a lot of things. detail, personality, sometimes proportions, expressions and a lot more. i want to perfect them and show them to my friend. i feel a bit of a competition when it comes to things like this. now don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind who will do anything JUST to win. that's what i love in my HS batch. we all compete against each other in terms of acads, but we remain good friends and the competition brings positive results in all of us. to me, viewing this situation as a competition helps me have some sort of determination to become better --> something my ex took away from me... leche.
and so as soon as i get home and eat dinner, i'm off to bed not to sleep, but to draw. yes, i don't draw on a drawing board with a chair and all that. i draw in bed. trying to remember the things i see here in cyberspace and apply them in my artwork. sometimes i stay up until midnight just to finish a certain sketch, but it's all good. i take a good 2 hours staring at the finished product, trying to look for something wrong and revise/refine it to my liking. i even sleep with my sketchpad --> now that's crazy.
ok, enough babbling. i think this entry is long enough...
better find something else to do...
can i say that line again?
feh.
there. -_-
its the fourth day of the week and i haven't heard from my bosses yet. people would think i'm some sort of workaholic - wanting something to do. being stuck in a room with only a laptop, an aircon, a radio, and an IP phone can really mess up your head. i'm glad i still have my sanity intact --> or at least i think.
nothing to write actually. i don't want to get myself started with the whole "aki's gone" mood. please, i'd be better off bored than sad.
feh.
i just had to say that. excuse me while i repeat it...
feh.
there, a bit better. but still bored.
ah, i know what to talk about now.
i've recently grown a certain amount of interest in drawing. i had this gang member way back in HS --> our gang was called MIB. what it means? beats me... who's currently making a game, and a very impressive one at that.
i'm not really a fan of RPGs but i might give it a try once he's done with it. he only has demo versions of the game, i might be left hanging playing an incomplete game. but enough about the game, i was more interested in the graphics he put into it. you see, we both share a common interest in drawing. maybe that's why we became good friends. anyways, the graphics are awesome. i felt inspiration and envy for him. he gets to do the stuff he WANTS to do. i, on the other hand, though quite enjoying what i do --> except for some ocassions when i'm considered a working bum... this wasn't really what i had in mind...
okay, okay i know its a bit, no, a lot too late for having regrets. i don't have any, really. but when i was young there are only three things i want to do in life: (1) make a full lenght animation series, (2) make a game similar to streetfighter and (3) make a virus that's relatively destructive but curable --> by me, ofcourse *evil grin*.
i don't know where i got the ideas, but up until now i want to do them.
what does it have to do with my recent interest in harnessing my art skills? --> if i have any. i don't know. --> i told you being stuck in a room all day without anything to do can mess things up in your head. i've been wanting to draw characters of my own. i'm able to do that, but they lack a lot of things. detail, personality, sometimes proportions, expressions and a lot more. i want to perfect them and show them to my friend. i feel a bit of a competition when it comes to things like this. now don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind who will do anything JUST to win. that's what i love in my HS batch. we all compete against each other in terms of acads, but we remain good friends and the competition brings positive results in all of us. to me, viewing this situation as a competition helps me have some sort of determination to become better --> something my ex took away from me... leche.
and so as soon as i get home and eat dinner, i'm off to bed not to sleep, but to draw. yes, i don't draw on a drawing board with a chair and all that. i draw in bed. trying to remember the things i see here in cyberspace and apply them in my artwork. sometimes i stay up until midnight just to finish a certain sketch, but it's all good. i take a good 2 hours staring at the finished product, trying to look for something wrong and revise/refine it to my liking. i even sleep with my sketchpad --> now that's crazy.
ok, enough babbling. i think this entry is long enough...
better find something else to do...
can i say that line again?
feh.
there. -_-
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