bought myself a new shirt. Its print says, “lost soul” – it couldn’t have been more descriptive of me. *haha*
never really thought of myself as a “lost soul” until some few years ago. when I was young, I had my life going for me. I’ve always pursued excellence in everything I do. I had dreams. I had plans for myself. I knew what I wanted in life.
now, I don’t know what to do with my life – how pathetic…
let’s not discuss the reason for such. I’m not very sure of the reasons myself.
screw the quarter-life crisis argument. Its not like I’m going to reach 88. heck, I don’t know if I’ll even reach 60. though most people say it’s a normal phenomenon at this stage in one's life, it doesn’t give one an excuse to whine and slack around – something I’m quite guilty of doing. *bangs head on wall*
no excuses. I AM lost, but that’s not the point. The more important thing is what to do.
sad to say, I still don’t know.
I had a conversation with jv over the net yesterday. He says, and I quote, “my… ermmm… professional opinion is that you go to market research”. Good suggestion. Thanks jv. I’ll start from there.
got a message from leomar just this afternoon telling me that globe telecom has a vacant position and asking me if I was interested. Believe me, I am but my responsibilities in my current work prohibits me from pursuing that interest. Damn.
I remember my conversation with ma’am olive, “though loyalty is nice, it doesn’t make your paycheck bigger…” I don’t know if I should discard that argument despite it merits, or follow it and cause certain parties to have ill feelings towards me --> can anyone convince me that certain arguments aren’t supposed to be applied in all situations? I’ll kiss anyone who can do that. Thank you.
*sigh* ...what am I thinking? I should relax and enjoy a rather long weekend. Instead I rant about having no direction on a friday night. --> if you read this week’s entries, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that this WAS NOT actually a great week. *big frown*
I hope this string of bad days would come to an end.
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
discombobulated
(title inspired by that globe commercial)
hhhhmmm... what to write? what to write?
had a couple of topics in mind yesterday. everything seemed to have vanished when i got that text message from aki last night,
"arn arn, wag ka magagalit ha. wag na siguro tayong lumabas tomorrow or kahit kelan. hayaan mo na yung promise mo. ok lang talaga sakon. we'll see each other pa naman before i go. thanks na lang ha."
where'd that come from? well, it would give me some form of comfort if i knew why,
"wag mo na alamin. basta arn, thanks ha. i really want to spend time with you sana pero things will be better kung hindi na lang. it's no big problem naman. basta ha, thanks talaga. we'll see each other pa, promise."
there goes that form of comfort. i'm sad and disappointed, but what else can i do? it's as if being mad would make things better. might as well just dive into that pool of kindness and courage to say two words: i understand...
hhhhmmm... what to write? what to write?
had a couple of topics in mind yesterday. everything seemed to have vanished when i got that text message from aki last night,
"arn arn, wag ka magagalit ha. wag na siguro tayong lumabas tomorrow or kahit kelan. hayaan mo na yung promise mo. ok lang talaga sakon. we'll see each other pa naman before i go. thanks na lang ha."
where'd that come from? well, it would give me some form of comfort if i knew why,
"wag mo na alamin. basta arn, thanks ha. i really want to spend time with you sana pero things will be better kung hindi na lang. it's no big problem naman. basta ha, thanks talaga. we'll see each other pa, promise."
there goes that form of comfort. i'm sad and disappointed, but what else can i do? it's as if being mad would make things better. might as well just dive into that pool of kindness and courage to say two words: i understand...
"thank you. thank you so much arnel. anyway, thanks uli sa CD, ang gaganda ng songs. goodnight ha. thanks again."
you're welcome... guess wearing that smiling mask has its merits afterall. T_T
i'll leave it at that. i don't want to think of anything else. no more reading between the lines. i'm just sad and disappointed. thought i could share everything that has happened to me - that unfortunate encounter with a bastard ex-con, that other unfortunate encounter with an overly sensitive old hag, how food becomes tasteless during lunch because i eat alone, how being with friends and family make me feel alive. guess i'll have to keep it to myself, again.
oh well, so much for a happy day. but it's still morning, lets see what happens later on in the day. i might just be in the mood for another entry. *hoping*
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
trust issues
trusting people nowadays can be fatal, i should know...
we just found out that my little brother's mobile phone was missing. we've also found out that one of my mom's visitors took it. --> score one for her anito! he got that one right. seems that the bitch was short on cash and had no other choice than take the phone when she had the chance.
how did we know, you ask? aside from that premonition from my mom's anito, she sent a text message to the alleged robber. the bitch, still having her conscience intact, admitted the allegations against her. apparently, she took the phone when my mom invited her over our place to discuss business matters. being the carefree, lazy, and untidy people that we are, we just let things lay around the house --> i.e. cellphones, wallets, even cash. you probably know the rest of the story.
the bitch took the phone to a pawnshop. she promised to bring back the phone as soon as she gets it back from the pawnshop. good for her, otherwise she would end up in jail.
moral of the story: don't let things lay around your house. --> wait, is this really the point? shouldn't you feel secure in your home? *skeptic*
moral of the story: don't buy expensive cellphones, or any other expensive thing so you won't feel bad when it gets stolen. --> good point, but wait. that's not it either!!
moral of the story: choose the people you trust. ---> i think this would be it.
the issue: TRUST
it's just sad when you try to help someone out and get betrayed in return. makes me want to put all people like that in a container and cut some of their body parts into fine pieces then feed them to the rats. i've came to realize that there are things more painful than death. people like that bitch don't deserve the easy way out.
reminds me of my own situation. that bastard hasn't shown up in 3 weeks now. he might still be in jail, or he might be back in nueva viscaya, or he might be somewhere else - thinking he's now wanted for estafa --> just to refresh your memory and make your blood boil, he owes you 11k of your hard-earned money. God knows what he's up to. for all i know he may have already forged my signature and ran away with my money. if that would be the case, i'd have his hands and tongue removed, so he won't be able to decieve anyone else nor hold a dagger or a gun or anything else. losing his hands and tongue would be more painful than dying, in my POV at least.
oh yeah, i just remembered. my boss tells me to do something about my trust issues, otherwise i'm going to have a hard time with relationships and marriage. --> it's not like i'm not having a hard time NOW. fine. point taken. let me just find a way to become attached with my emotions again. in my defense, i don't want to feel vulnerable again. i barely held up the last time i trusted someone and it didn't turn out right. i know, i know it's in the past. i have to forget it. give me some more time. maybe another 4 years. *smirk*
that's enough bad thought for the day. --> man, this isn't helping me become a peaceful creature at all.
i need a happy thought. i need a happy thought.. i need a happy thought... i need a happy thought........
we just found out that my little brother's mobile phone was missing. we've also found out that one of my mom's visitors took it. --> score one for her anito! he got that one right. seems that the bitch was short on cash and had no other choice than take the phone when she had the chance.
how did we know, you ask? aside from that premonition from my mom's anito, she sent a text message to the alleged robber. the bitch, still having her conscience intact, admitted the allegations against her. apparently, she took the phone when my mom invited her over our place to discuss business matters. being the carefree, lazy, and untidy people that we are, we just let things lay around the house --> i.e. cellphones, wallets, even cash. you probably know the rest of the story.
the bitch took the phone to a pawnshop. she promised to bring back the phone as soon as she gets it back from the pawnshop. good for her, otherwise she would end up in jail.
moral of the story: don't let things lay around your house. --> wait, is this really the point? shouldn't you feel secure in your home? *skeptic*
moral of the story: don't buy expensive cellphones, or any other expensive thing so you won't feel bad when it gets stolen. --> good point, but wait. that's not it either!!
moral of the story: choose the people you trust. ---> i think this would be it.
the issue: TRUST
it's just sad when you try to help someone out and get betrayed in return. makes me want to put all people like that in a container and cut some of their body parts into fine pieces then feed them to the rats. i've came to realize that there are things more painful than death. people like that bitch don't deserve the easy way out.
reminds me of my own situation. that bastard hasn't shown up in 3 weeks now. he might still be in jail, or he might be back in nueva viscaya, or he might be somewhere else - thinking he's now wanted for estafa --> just to refresh your memory and make your blood boil, he owes you 11k of your hard-earned money. God knows what he's up to. for all i know he may have already forged my signature and ran away with my money. if that would be the case, i'd have his hands and tongue removed, so he won't be able to decieve anyone else nor hold a dagger or a gun or anything else. losing his hands and tongue would be more painful than dying, in my POV at least.
oh yeah, i just remembered. my boss tells me to do something about my trust issues, otherwise i'm going to have a hard time with relationships and marriage. --> it's not like i'm not having a hard time NOW. fine. point taken. let me just find a way to become attached with my emotions again. in my defense, i don't want to feel vulnerable again. i barely held up the last time i trusted someone and it didn't turn out right. i know, i know it's in the past. i have to forget it. give me some more time. maybe another 4 years. *smirk*
that's enough bad thought for the day. --> man, this isn't helping me become a peaceful creature at all.
i need a happy thought. i need a happy thought.. i need a happy thought... i need a happy thought........
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
on private space
i have to thank the old lady for this entry. may she be successful in making the world a better place by reminding everyone to say "excuse me".
how irritating...
nothing beats excrutiating headaches after a day's work than an old lady invading your private space. just when i was about to call it a day, i called on a jeepney to sm north, sat down, and then this old lady has her face on me and said, "excuse me, ha? ako na ang nag-excuse kasi ayaw mo naman mag-excuse" with her head turning the other way while she whispers, "bastos". and i heard that after i apologized. geez, did i bump her that hard on my way to my seat? or is she just having a bad hair day? or probably menopausal syndrome? or maybe she was a beat up, anti-social woman who rages at the slightest contact with any part of her body? pardon the foul language and disrespect, pero putang ina...
i have always been taught to respect elders, but then i also have this rule that "respect begets respect". in this case, i cannot respect an overly sensitive old hag who, in my point of view, thinks of herself as politeness personified. i hate self-righteous people. if she doesn't want to get bumped around, why doesn't she just buy herself a car? or on a simpler note, why doesn't she just sit properly? --> yes, the old hag sits like a 300-pound woman munching a bag of fries and onion rings. i wonder how much she paid for her fare to sit diagonally, taking up space good for two people. the jeepney wasn't crowded when i came in, and it wasn't like i wanted to bump her on purpose in the first place.
where does private space come in here? perhaps i've invaded hers when i sat down, accidentally bumping her. but that's not the point. i'm going to be egocentric here; my private space was invaded when she lectured me about the word "excuse me". for goodness' sake granny, i know the fucking word. i know when to use it. i don't need humiliation after a day's work. i have my own business, do not tell me what to do. if you think you can make this world a better place by telling people to say "excuse me" when they bump someone in a jeepney, then by all means, do so. give me a call when you're successful. i have my own way of making the world a better place, thank you.
forgive the negative mood in this entry. i guess this is better than to plot her gruesome death --> yes, i think i am capable of such. i've kept too much pain and suffering inside i want to return it to the world a hundred fold. *blank evil stare*
how irritating...
nothing beats excrutiating headaches after a day's work than an old lady invading your private space. just when i was about to call it a day, i called on a jeepney to sm north, sat down, and then this old lady has her face on me and said, "excuse me, ha? ako na ang nag-excuse kasi ayaw mo naman mag-excuse" with her head turning the other way while she whispers, "bastos". and i heard that after i apologized. geez, did i bump her that hard on my way to my seat? or is she just having a bad hair day? or probably menopausal syndrome? or maybe she was a beat up, anti-social woman who rages at the slightest contact with any part of her body? pardon the foul language and disrespect, pero putang ina...
i have always been taught to respect elders, but then i also have this rule that "respect begets respect". in this case, i cannot respect an overly sensitive old hag who, in my point of view, thinks of herself as politeness personified. i hate self-righteous people. if she doesn't want to get bumped around, why doesn't she just buy herself a car? or on a simpler note, why doesn't she just sit properly? --> yes, the old hag sits like a 300-pound woman munching a bag of fries and onion rings. i wonder how much she paid for her fare to sit diagonally, taking up space good for two people. the jeepney wasn't crowded when i came in, and it wasn't like i wanted to bump her on purpose in the first place.
where does private space come in here? perhaps i've invaded hers when i sat down, accidentally bumping her. but that's not the point. i'm going to be egocentric here; my private space was invaded when she lectured me about the word "excuse me". for goodness' sake granny, i know the fucking word. i know when to use it. i don't need humiliation after a day's work. i have my own business, do not tell me what to do. if you think you can make this world a better place by telling people to say "excuse me" when they bump someone in a jeepney, then by all means, do so. give me a call when you're successful. i have my own way of making the world a better place, thank you.
forgive the negative mood in this entry. i guess this is better than to plot her gruesome death --> yes, i think i am capable of such. i've kept too much pain and suffering inside i want to return it to the world a hundred fold. *blank evil stare*
Monday, October 25, 2004
saturday night aftermath (aki's party)
better wirte this down before it wears off on me...
*sigh* saturday was quite something. we managed to surprise aki in her very own home. she's such a crybaby. hehe.
well, the party wasn't really that awesome. the word "celebrate" doesn't really fit in that scenario. aki's leaving. i never really took notice of it until recently. maybe due to the fact that i refuse to accept it. i know. i know i have to. there's really nothing much i can do about the situation, but as i've said before, i'm a stubborn ass. guess you'll have to forgive me for that. i've been accepting things my whole life, just becuase i'm helpless against the circumstances. frankly, i'm tired of it.
food was great. again, i've indulged myself in cholesterol and carbo at eight in the evening. there were talking, joking around... and then came a part where each one had to give a message to a parting friend.
heh, it was then that i've realized how weak i was. they say it takes a lot of courage to say something you've been keeping for a long time. it takes a lot of courage to cry in front of someone. it takes a lot of courage to be honest with someone. i think i've found that courage at that dinner party. that's something unsual, for me, at least. i tried not to let tears fall down on my cheeks. i was successful, but i failed to hold back everything i wanted to say. some actually slipped through my tongue. in my subconcious laid memories of her first question of me, "anong x-factor ng statsoc?" then came flashing memories of that 3pm lunch at mcdonald's, the roadpainting, that trip to villa escudero, that time when she sang hinahanap-hanap kita at bigshots, that phonecall when i told her that i love her but i'd rather let gabriel take care of her, and every other moment we had. my heart always caused me some sort of difficulty in breathing, but at that night i felt like choking... and my voice was cracking. i wanted to stay happy or at least show them that i was, but my thoughts and feelings wanted me otherwise.
it's sad to have someone close to you leave. i've always thought that if you know someone's worth, they wouldn't have to leave. guess i was wrong. this case proves it. --> that's twisted logic for you.
-------------------------------------------
them optimists say that in friendship, time and distance aren't obtacles... that friendship transcends that. SCREW IT. as much as i like to believe that, it's not always true. i don't know if our lives are intertwined enough to surpass distance and time. it's so hard to find friends like what i have right now. i won't give them up that easily. yes, our friendship may not be perfect, but whatelse is? i'm happy with my imperfect relationship with my friends, thank you very much.
-------------------------------------------
time may come people may read this, probably my friends. if that were to happen, i guess i'd just have to say how lucky i am to have a good set friends. it's more precious than winning in the lottery --> not that i don't want to win or anything... i don't know how to express gratitude for taking me in, making me feel i'm worth something, teaching me that the sick world i've come to realize isn't so bad a place to live in, showing me that life isn't just about pain, that it has a lot to offer, and that love IS possible. i'm happy i became friends with such good people.
-------------------------------------------
and to aki, i don't know if you're gonna read this, but here it goes.
i've already told you that i can't accept the fact that you're leaviing. i rather think of it as a long vacation, and that we could meet again to have late afternoon lunch, or paint the road on late sunday afternoon, or tell you about a new song that would fit your situation, or something like that. i feel like i'm going to lose another friend, and it scares the hell out of me... thinking that a couple of years from now you would barely recognize me, nor remember the things we've been through in college. i've always thought that life is unfair. they say you'll know the value of something when it's gone. i've always thought of you as one of my precious friends, knowing your value to me, knowing how much our friendship means to me, and yet why do you have to leave? i just don't get it.
guess you'll have to forgive me for two things: one; for being so stubborn - refusing to accept that you're leaving. and two; for being selfish - i'd rather have you here. i don't want to you to be reduced to a memory. a promise of keeping in touch doesn't seem assuring enough for me. i want us to still be able to do the crazy things we used to do when we were in college. i want to have you within my reach, just in case i want to run to you and tell my problems, my stories and anything else that's been flying in my head.
and in case you're wondering about the words of that last track in the cd i gave you here it is:
Piece Of My Heart
Keri Noble
Album: Fearless (2004)
Driving down the highway saying goodbye to it all
In between the blues and greens we're following the call
That takes us so far away from summer's sunny days
You know I'm missing you already and I can still see your face
Sitting underneath the stars with a cold beer and old friends
Talking 'til the sun comes up and then we'd do it again
Well you've become a part of me that I never want to lose
Until we come back together you know I'll be missing you
I can hear us laughing
I remember every part
I've got everything we ever did
It's tattooed on my heart
But there's a colder wind coming in
And blowing us apart
Until the summer brings us back,
You know you got a piece of my heart
Watching your taillights fading out of my sight
Feeling like the sun just lost a little bit of its light
But you've left your memories to linger, new memories to start
'Til the summer brings you back, you know you got a piece of my heart
i don't want to say, "i'm going to miss you" or anything else that implies parting ways. even if you told me to accept it. i still don't.
-------------------------------------------
ok enough mush. back to cynical-fool-waiting-for-the-weekend mode... *smirk*
*sigh* saturday was quite something. we managed to surprise aki in her very own home. she's such a crybaby. hehe.
well, the party wasn't really that awesome. the word "celebrate" doesn't really fit in that scenario. aki's leaving. i never really took notice of it until recently. maybe due to the fact that i refuse to accept it. i know. i know i have to. there's really nothing much i can do about the situation, but as i've said before, i'm a stubborn ass. guess you'll have to forgive me for that. i've been accepting things my whole life, just becuase i'm helpless against the circumstances. frankly, i'm tired of it.
food was great. again, i've indulged myself in cholesterol and carbo at eight in the evening. there were talking, joking around... and then came a part where each one had to give a message to a parting friend.
heh, it was then that i've realized how weak i was. they say it takes a lot of courage to say something you've been keeping for a long time. it takes a lot of courage to cry in front of someone. it takes a lot of courage to be honest with someone. i think i've found that courage at that dinner party. that's something unsual, for me, at least. i tried not to let tears fall down on my cheeks. i was successful, but i failed to hold back everything i wanted to say. some actually slipped through my tongue. in my subconcious laid memories of her first question of me, "anong x-factor ng statsoc?" then came flashing memories of that 3pm lunch at mcdonald's, the roadpainting, that trip to villa escudero, that time when she sang hinahanap-hanap kita at bigshots, that phonecall when i told her that i love her but i'd rather let gabriel take care of her, and every other moment we had. my heart always caused me some sort of difficulty in breathing, but at that night i felt like choking... and my voice was cracking. i wanted to stay happy or at least show them that i was, but my thoughts and feelings wanted me otherwise.
it's sad to have someone close to you leave. i've always thought that if you know someone's worth, they wouldn't have to leave. guess i was wrong. this case proves it. --> that's twisted logic for you.
-------------------------------------------
them optimists say that in friendship, time and distance aren't obtacles... that friendship transcends that. SCREW IT. as much as i like to believe that, it's not always true. i don't know if our lives are intertwined enough to surpass distance and time. it's so hard to find friends like what i have right now. i won't give them up that easily. yes, our friendship may not be perfect, but whatelse is? i'm happy with my imperfect relationship with my friends, thank you very much.
-------------------------------------------
time may come people may read this, probably my friends. if that were to happen, i guess i'd just have to say how lucky i am to have a good set friends. it's more precious than winning in the lottery --> not that i don't want to win or anything... i don't know how to express gratitude for taking me in, making me feel i'm worth something, teaching me that the sick world i've come to realize isn't so bad a place to live in, showing me that life isn't just about pain, that it has a lot to offer, and that love IS possible. i'm happy i became friends with such good people.
-------------------------------------------
and to aki, i don't know if you're gonna read this, but here it goes.
i've already told you that i can't accept the fact that you're leaviing. i rather think of it as a long vacation, and that we could meet again to have late afternoon lunch, or paint the road on late sunday afternoon, or tell you about a new song that would fit your situation, or something like that. i feel like i'm going to lose another friend, and it scares the hell out of me... thinking that a couple of years from now you would barely recognize me, nor remember the things we've been through in college. i've always thought that life is unfair. they say you'll know the value of something when it's gone. i've always thought of you as one of my precious friends, knowing your value to me, knowing how much our friendship means to me, and yet why do you have to leave? i just don't get it.
guess you'll have to forgive me for two things: one; for being so stubborn - refusing to accept that you're leaving. and two; for being selfish - i'd rather have you here. i don't want to you to be reduced to a memory. a promise of keeping in touch doesn't seem assuring enough for me. i want us to still be able to do the crazy things we used to do when we were in college. i want to have you within my reach, just in case i want to run to you and tell my problems, my stories and anything else that's been flying in my head.
and in case you're wondering about the words of that last track in the cd i gave you here it is:
Piece Of My Heart
Keri Noble
Album: Fearless (2004)
Driving down the highway saying goodbye to it all
In between the blues and greens we're following the call
That takes us so far away from summer's sunny days
You know I'm missing you already and I can still see your face
Sitting underneath the stars with a cold beer and old friends
Talking 'til the sun comes up and then we'd do it again
Well you've become a part of me that I never want to lose
Until we come back together you know I'll be missing you
I can hear us laughing
I remember every part
I've got everything we ever did
It's tattooed on my heart
But there's a colder wind coming in
And blowing us apart
Until the summer brings us back,
You know you got a piece of my heart
Watching your taillights fading out of my sight
Feeling like the sun just lost a little bit of its light
But you've left your memories to linger, new memories to start
'Til the summer brings you back, you know you got a piece of my heart
i don't want to say, "i'm going to miss you" or anything else that implies parting ways. even if you told me to accept it. i still don't.
-------------------------------------------
ok enough mush. back to cynical-fool-waiting-for-the-weekend mode... *smirk*
Thursday, October 21, 2004
for myself
i want to start my own comic strip. i think i have enough skill to sustain it now. i used to make one in highschool, but i didn't have interest to keep it going. heck, i didn't even finish one chapter. i have no plot, no storyline, no subordinate characters, no time, and not enough interest. end result: a comic strip that's barely half-done.
maybe it might help if i write down here... hhhhmmm.....
*thinking*......*thinking some more*
i don't know how to make a separate section for it... besides, i want to research on it more. anyhow, i have several themes in mind - which i will base the plot of the story, along with character descriptions (which is a lot easier to define...). i'll allocate a whole article for it next time - complete with world description (i may have to create a world of my own) and character description (so they would have a permanent identity. i will not change that once it's written). *procrastinating*
let's see what i need for it:
a sketch pad.
a good pencil.
a good eraser.
a scanner.
photoshop.
i have four out of five. damn...
what else?
some facts i can incorporate into the story. (i.e. explanations on certain things like character abilities, historical basis as a result of some consequences for the storyline. that kind of stuff...)
a theme. (the setting, universal concepts and the like)
a plot. (like those you see in telenovelas, minus the cheesy parts and the pathetic twists)
sub-characters. (enemies to fight to make them stronger, allies that are non-violent, perhaps some elders/teachers or stuff like that)
that's all i got so far. i'll start drawing maybe this coming weekend. hope it turns out good. one chapter is all i ask... we'll see what happens after that. release date is the end of october. --> good luck, pal!
maybe it might help if i write down here... hhhhmmm.....
*thinking*......*thinking some more*
i don't know how to make a separate section for it... besides, i want to research on it more. anyhow, i have several themes in mind - which i will base the plot of the story, along with character descriptions (which is a lot easier to define...). i'll allocate a whole article for it next time - complete with world description (i may have to create a world of my own) and character description (so they would have a permanent identity. i will not change that once it's written). *procrastinating*
let's see what i need for it:
a sketch pad.
a good pencil.
a good eraser.
a scanner.
photoshop.
i have four out of five. damn...
what else?
some facts i can incorporate into the story. (i.e. explanations on certain things like character abilities, historical basis as a result of some consequences for the storyline. that kind of stuff...)
a theme. (the setting, universal concepts and the like)
a plot. (like those you see in telenovelas, minus the cheesy parts and the pathetic twists)
sub-characters. (enemies to fight to make them stronger, allies that are non-violent, perhaps some elders/teachers or stuff like that)
that's all i got so far. i'll start drawing maybe this coming weekend. hope it turns out good. one chapter is all i ask... we'll see what happens after that. release date is the end of october. --> good luck, pal!
the unusuals
not really in the thinking mood right now --> now that's something you don't hear everyday... harhar!!
let's just write down the unusual things lately:
1.) haze having time to read articles during work.
must i expound on this? haze practically has her work for a life. we always feel tired for her. poor girl, i wonder how much her little body can withstand practical "slave work". anyways, yesterday she was asking me to email some articles for her to read. whoa?!?! what was that?!? she's going to read during work hours?! whatever happened to i've-got-lots-of-work-to-do-i-don't-have-time-anymore-for-other-stuff hazel?!!? not that i'm not happy, it was just... well... unusual.
2.) mike online at 6 in the morning.
and i thought he was a vampire?!?! what's with that?! hasn't he had enough of sleepless nights brought about by the gruesome fate of enduring countless papers and exams (well, not countless... but you get my point) that comes with the life of being a stat major? i didn't talk to him online. was just surprised when i logged on this morning. and what am i doing up at 6am? i do have work, you know? duh.
3.) talking to jv about things.
haven't talked to him for quite a while. and when do talk, it wouldn't take us an hour or so. yesterday was different. for two reasons; one, we talked. two, we had something to talk about. am i making sense? oh what the hell...
4.) downloading mp3s.
i can't remember the last time i searched something in kazaa and downloaded it. this morning i searched for cool opm songs for my so-called going-away present for aki. speaking of which, i do hope i finish it before saturday. but ofcourse there's always that regine album option...
5.) no aftework gimmicks.
i don't have plans this week. my upcoming gimmick is on the 23rd (aki's party), but that's on a weekend. --> has anyone seen my social life? *sniff sniff*
6.) a friendster testimonial.
that one's from chill. read it just now. hehe. she describes me as dense (and sweet, and tahimik, and mabait, and makulit). dense? dense?!?! how am i dense?!?!
*raised eyebrow**scratches head*
7.) cham being upset with me.
well, this isn't really unusual. it's just that the last time cham was upset with me was when i refused to give a reaction on her write up of me (if there's another incident when she was upset, she probably didn't tell me. i refuse to accept having memory loss!!). the weird thing about it is that she told me. well, that's no surprise either. women are such difficult creatures to understand.
8.) me answering a survey.
what do you want me to do?!? i finished sanitizing the last complete minutes earlier than expected. might as well kill time by answering stuff in the bulletin board. it's there for something, right?
9.) a sudden liking for opm.
yeah, this one's really something. i wouldn't use myself as a standard measure for opm quality, but recent opm songs tend to catch my drift. i even plan to compile an opm audio cd *pirate alert! pirate alert!*
10.) having nothing else to write about.
geez, just yesterday i swear i could hear voices coming from all directions - none of which seem to finish a sentence. well, i was at the mall. maybe i've been hearing all the noise, maybe not. anyway, this doesn't really have anything to do with the "having nothing else to write about" title. bottomline - i used to have a lot of things to say. now, i don't have anything to say. --> that's a shame... *sigh*
let's just write down the unusual things lately:
1.) haze having time to read articles during work.
must i expound on this? haze practically has her work for a life. we always feel tired for her. poor girl, i wonder how much her little body can withstand practical "slave work". anyways, yesterday she was asking me to email some articles for her to read. whoa?!?! what was that?!? she's going to read during work hours?! whatever happened to i've-got-lots-of-work-to-do-i-don't-have-time-anymore-for-other-stuff hazel?!!? not that i'm not happy, it was just... well... unusual.
2.) mike online at 6 in the morning.
and i thought he was a vampire?!?! what's with that?! hasn't he had enough of sleepless nights brought about by the gruesome fate of enduring countless papers and exams (well, not countless... but you get my point) that comes with the life of being a stat major? i didn't talk to him online. was just surprised when i logged on this morning. and what am i doing up at 6am? i do have work, you know? duh.
3.) talking to jv about things.
haven't talked to him for quite a while. and when do talk, it wouldn't take us an hour or so. yesterday was different. for two reasons; one, we talked. two, we had something to talk about. am i making sense? oh what the hell...
4.) downloading mp3s.
i can't remember the last time i searched something in kazaa and downloaded it. this morning i searched for cool opm songs for my so-called going-away present for aki. speaking of which, i do hope i finish it before saturday. but ofcourse there's always that regine album option...
5.) no aftework gimmicks.
i don't have plans this week. my upcoming gimmick is on the 23rd (aki's party), but that's on a weekend. --> has anyone seen my social life? *sniff sniff*
6.) a friendster testimonial.
that one's from chill. read it just now. hehe. she describes me as dense (and sweet, and tahimik, and mabait, and makulit). dense? dense?!?! how am i dense?!?!
*raised eyebrow**scratches head*
7.) cham being upset with me.
well, this isn't really unusual. it's just that the last time cham was upset with me was when i refused to give a reaction on her write up of me (if there's another incident when she was upset, she probably didn't tell me. i refuse to accept having memory loss!!). the weird thing about it is that she told me. well, that's no surprise either. women are such difficult creatures to understand.
8.) me answering a survey.
what do you want me to do?!? i finished sanitizing the last complete minutes earlier than expected. might as well kill time by answering stuff in the bulletin board. it's there for something, right?
9.) a sudden liking for opm.
yeah, this one's really something. i wouldn't use myself as a standard measure for opm quality, but recent opm songs tend to catch my drift. i even plan to compile an opm audio cd *pirate alert! pirate alert!*
10.) having nothing else to write about.
geez, just yesterday i swear i could hear voices coming from all directions - none of which seem to finish a sentence. well, i was at the mall. maybe i've been hearing all the noise, maybe not. anyway, this doesn't really have anything to do with the "having nothing else to write about" title. bottomline - i used to have a lot of things to say. now, i don't have anything to say. --> that's a shame... *sigh*
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
a stone thrown in a still pond
just read an article at peyups, it was about loving and letting go, or the inability to do so... well, you know what i mean. it's not like such a theme is rarely used as topic for love songs and novels and articles and stuff...
it said something about how a guy hiding his sadness to the world. on the outside he seems very happy with life, not bothered by the fact that he and his girlfriend just broke up. at the end of the day, when he is all alone he takes off his mask and let tears fall down from his cheeks. he wishes that the hurting stop. being subjected to such pain for a long time can make one numb - being used to such emotion makes one feel less and less.
that just SUCKS. i tend to relate, not by his circumstances, but by his feelings. i know what it feels to hide sadness to the world, just so others won't look down on you and feel sorry for you. sometimes, you just want to breakdown but you can't because people around you think you are strong. you don't want the way they see you to change.
they come up to you for comfort and advice because they know you can handle another burden on your shoulders. --> this might just be another assumption, but i think it's a valid one. that feeling gives me a sense of worth - being able to help, especially those i care about; letting them pour out their soul, giving them a different perspective on the situation, helping them understand their problem, and find solutions for it. i love doing that. it makes me feel needed... that i'm worth something.
"and for that reason i hold myself up as if nothing's bothering me... when in truth i myself am hurting inside."
sometimes i wish for a day when everyone would understand me. a day when i can just be weak, and it wouldn't matter. a day when i'm the one being helped, not the one who's helping. a day when i can breakdown and cry and not be ashamed of it nor be afraid that people would see me differently. a day when i just be given a good 30 seconds of a warm hug, or someone would just hold my hand and listen to me - just listen, no need for words.
"i wish for that day to come. and i also wish for the day when all my hurting would stop."
i wish someone could convince me to let go of a love that can never happen... to let go of someone i can never have. i think that's too much to ask of someone. i know i'm the only one who can convince myself to let go, but as of the moment i can't get that through to my thick skull.
why does my heart have to be so stubborn?
though i am convinced that cham and i could only go as far as being friends, why do i still have these stings everytime i see her with her boyfriend? i am happy that she's happy, but why am i hurting?
is it possible for me to feel both joy and pain at the same time?
maybe greg is right. my position is both lucky and frustrating. i must be confused now, as to who am i between the mask and my true self... either way, it doesn't stop the ocassional stings. the butterfly filflops are gone, though. she may also be within my comfort zone now...
how do you keep yourself from hurting when your source of pain is one who greets you hello and goodbye with a kiss, hugs you when you feel sad, jokes around with you, takes on your stupid bets, becomes upset with you when you break promises, calls you when she needs help, and reahes out to you when your friendship was on the brink of becoming not more than a faint memory?
if anyone knows how else to solve my problem other than saying, "leave her" or "go find someone else", tell me. i believe there's another way.
"leave her" tells me to get out of her life for my sake. fine. i see the point. but you're fergetting something; she's also my friend. "leave her" tells me to give up a friendship that survived through conflict and pain. i know what it feels like to lose a friend. it wouldn't make my suffering any less painful. besides, i was touched to know (or feel) that she didn't want our friendship to end. --> cham, if you're reading this, please correct me if i'm wrong with my conclusion/assumption.
"go find someone else" tells me to USE someone else to fill that space only she can fill. "go find someone else" tells me to provide myself with a temporary solution that will potentially result to more hurting.
i'll stop now. it's amazing how one article can make me think and wirte this much... oh well. until i find solutions, i'll leave it as it is; afterall, cham's hapiness is important to me. as long as i see her happy, i think i can endure the pain for a little while longer...
it said something about how a guy hiding his sadness to the world. on the outside he seems very happy with life, not bothered by the fact that he and his girlfriend just broke up. at the end of the day, when he is all alone he takes off his mask and let tears fall down from his cheeks. he wishes that the hurting stop. being subjected to such pain for a long time can make one numb - being used to such emotion makes one feel less and less.
that just SUCKS. i tend to relate, not by his circumstances, but by his feelings. i know what it feels to hide sadness to the world, just so others won't look down on you and feel sorry for you. sometimes, you just want to breakdown but you can't because people around you think you are strong. you don't want the way they see you to change.
they come up to you for comfort and advice because they know you can handle another burden on your shoulders. --> this might just be another assumption, but i think it's a valid one. that feeling gives me a sense of worth - being able to help, especially those i care about; letting them pour out their soul, giving them a different perspective on the situation, helping them understand their problem, and find solutions for it. i love doing that. it makes me feel needed... that i'm worth something.
"and for that reason i hold myself up as if nothing's bothering me... when in truth i myself am hurting inside."
sometimes i wish for a day when everyone would understand me. a day when i can just be weak, and it wouldn't matter. a day when i'm the one being helped, not the one who's helping. a day when i can breakdown and cry and not be ashamed of it nor be afraid that people would see me differently. a day when i just be given a good 30 seconds of a warm hug, or someone would just hold my hand and listen to me - just listen, no need for words.
"i wish for that day to come. and i also wish for the day when all my hurting would stop."
i wish someone could convince me to let go of a love that can never happen... to let go of someone i can never have. i think that's too much to ask of someone. i know i'm the only one who can convince myself to let go, but as of the moment i can't get that through to my thick skull.
why does my heart have to be so stubborn?
though i am convinced that cham and i could only go as far as being friends, why do i still have these stings everytime i see her with her boyfriend? i am happy that she's happy, but why am i hurting?
is it possible for me to feel both joy and pain at the same time?
maybe greg is right. my position is both lucky and frustrating. i must be confused now, as to who am i between the mask and my true self... either way, it doesn't stop the ocassional stings. the butterfly filflops are gone, though. she may also be within my comfort zone now...
how do you keep yourself from hurting when your source of pain is one who greets you hello and goodbye with a kiss, hugs you when you feel sad, jokes around with you, takes on your stupid bets, becomes upset with you when you break promises, calls you when she needs help, and reahes out to you when your friendship was on the brink of becoming not more than a faint memory?
if anyone knows how else to solve my problem other than saying, "leave her" or "go find someone else", tell me. i believe there's another way.
"leave her" tells me to get out of her life for my sake. fine. i see the point. but you're fergetting something; she's also my friend. "leave her" tells me to give up a friendship that survived through conflict and pain. i know what it feels like to lose a friend. it wouldn't make my suffering any less painful. besides, i was touched to know (or feel) that she didn't want our friendship to end. --> cham, if you're reading this, please correct me if i'm wrong with my conclusion/assumption.
"go find someone else" tells me to USE someone else to fill that space only she can fill. "go find someone else" tells me to provide myself with a temporary solution that will potentially result to more hurting.
i'll stop now. it's amazing how one article can make me think and wirte this much... oh well. until i find solutions, i'll leave it as it is; afterall, cham's hapiness is important to me. as long as i see her happy, i think i can endure the pain for a little while longer...
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
things i want to do
saturday's gonna be aki's despedida party. --> did i get the spelling right?
was planning to give her a going away present. a cd with opm songs in it, and dedications from all her friends. the dedication part wouldn't be possible anymore. i only have roughly four days left to pull it off. heck, i can't do that. i'm stuck here in the office. oh well... might as well think of something else.
thought of buying her regine's latest album. it's gonna be out tomorrow. at least it will save me a lot of effort... but i'm not very much happy with buying her something instead of making one myself.
and yeah, i still owe her a meal. i'll worry about that later.
.......................................................................................
whoa?!?!... there goes a constant thought... damnit.
.......................................................................................
i've been wanting to write about the things i want to do in life. i just don't have a concrete set of goals. none seem to be cohesive - one independent of the other. let's just make a draft of what i want to do. ---> as of today:
i want to learn a new programming language
--> maybe macro in excel. i also want to learn flash and other graphic and animation software. --> all talk. no action!!
i want to make an electronic comics
--> i have characters. i just need to put up a storyline. i need to research on this. *wow*
i want to take a master's degree
--> there's just one problem; i don't know what field i want to specialize in.
*wacks self on the head*
i want to study abroad
--> this can work along with the previous one. i also want to work abroad. bottomline: I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. *frustrated*
that's all i got so far. i'll have a full list of this and try to accomplish it within a year.
-side note-
my writings are becoming shorter and shorter... oh well...
-end of side note-
that's it for now. got to get back to work. elaborate on this next time, for your sake.
was planning to give her a going away present. a cd with opm songs in it, and dedications from all her friends. the dedication part wouldn't be possible anymore. i only have roughly four days left to pull it off. heck, i can't do that. i'm stuck here in the office. oh well... might as well think of something else.
thought of buying her regine's latest album. it's gonna be out tomorrow. at least it will save me a lot of effort... but i'm not very much happy with buying her something instead of making one myself.
and yeah, i still owe her a meal. i'll worry about that later.
.......................................................................................
whoa?!?!... there goes a constant thought... damnit.
.......................................................................................
i've been wanting to write about the things i want to do in life. i just don't have a concrete set of goals. none seem to be cohesive - one independent of the other. let's just make a draft of what i want to do. ---> as of today:
i want to learn a new programming language
--> maybe macro in excel. i also want to learn flash and other graphic and animation software. --> all talk. no action!!
i want to make an electronic comics
--> i have characters. i just need to put up a storyline. i need to research on this. *wow*
i want to take a master's degree
--> there's just one problem; i don't know what field i want to specialize in.
*wacks self on the head*
i want to study abroad
--> this can work along with the previous one. i also want to work abroad. bottomline: I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. *frustrated*
that's all i got so far. i'll have a full list of this and try to accomplish it within a year.
-side note-
my writings are becoming shorter and shorter... oh well...
-end of side note-
that's it for now. got to get back to work. elaborate on this next time, for your sake.
Monday, October 18, 2004
talk about boring
just finished one 25-page minutes of the meeting. i never thought sanitation could be this time-consuming, this mind-numbing, and this BORING. *yawn, scrathes butt*
i actually spent my sunday doing the same thing. i really have to finish it or else my boss is going to kille me. anyways, i feel like an teacher of a terrible writing class for four-year-olds. no offense to abbey (abbey is our secretary. enough said.), but that piece of document is one of the worst pieces of writing i have ever seen. to correct 15-25 pages of horse shit makes me want to puke. i still have around five finished minutes to clean, and a whole lot more once they are completed (now this is not my fault. i want to blame abbey for being slow, but hey, like that's gonna make my work a lot easier. besides, it IS her fault. let's just not make it an issue. harhar!!). it's like that time when i visit the registration office to encode jackets --> which was downright boring, plus we have a very annoying coordinator who's too lazy to look for jackets.
anyway, good thing i wrote down the things that make me happy. i look at them every now and then to remind myself that this is NOT a boring day --> i'm close to believing that it is. thanks to that sentence hazel stuffed into my head,
-side note-
bought a 500-peso polo. it's nice. it's semi-fit. now i have to contract my tummy a little bit to avoid shame. wehehe!! seriously, i don't know how i had this. damn office work - doesn't leave me much time to excercise. where can i buy discipline? i need it to get back in shape. come to think of it... i AM in shape. ROUND is a shape... --> give this young man a big fat ZERO for originality. harharhar!!!
-end of side note-
anyway, back to boring. friendster and hipstir doesn't seem to be fun anymore. no new messages, no new friends. well, i have new friends in hipstir, i don't talk to all of them though. either i can't find a nice topic to talk about, or i'm just not interested. and when i do talk to some of them, the conversation doesn't go freeflow. i hate it when that happens. makes me wonder if i'm boring... nah. we just have no fun topic in common. i'm a good boy. i drink ocassionally and barely get drunk, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs, i don't party at bars, i don't engage in one nighters... wait. geez. i AM boring. no mean bone. no naughty side. --> stop talking to yourself!! and you have a mean bone, hell you have a mean skeleton!! and your blood is BLACK! you just don't show it.
ok, enough. time to go home. i hope tomorrow won't be as boring as this one.
i actually spent my sunday doing the same thing. i really have to finish it or else my boss is going to kille me. anyways, i feel like an teacher of a terrible writing class for four-year-olds. no offense to abbey (abbey is our secretary. enough said.), but that piece of document is one of the worst pieces of writing i have ever seen. to correct 15-25 pages of horse shit makes me want to puke. i still have around five finished minutes to clean, and a whole lot more once they are completed (now this is not my fault. i want to blame abbey for being slow, but hey, like that's gonna make my work a lot easier. besides, it IS her fault. let's just not make it an issue. harhar!!). it's like that time when i visit the registration office to encode jackets --> which was downright boring, plus we have a very annoying coordinator who's too lazy to look for jackets.
anyway, good thing i wrote down the things that make me happy. i look at them every now and then to remind myself that this is NOT a boring day --> i'm close to believing that it is. thanks to that sentence hazel stuffed into my head,
"this is going to be a great day"
yeah, right. but it did save me from a rather bloody boring day. and i had some focus while working, which is unusual these days. thanks haze.
-side note-
bought a 500-peso polo. it's nice. it's semi-fit. now i have to contract my tummy a little bit to avoid shame. wehehe!! seriously, i don't know how i had this. damn office work - doesn't leave me much time to excercise. where can i buy discipline? i need it to get back in shape. come to think of it... i AM in shape. ROUND is a shape... --> give this young man a big fat ZERO for originality. harharhar!!!
-end of side note-
anyway, back to boring. friendster and hipstir doesn't seem to be fun anymore. no new messages, no new friends. well, i have new friends in hipstir, i don't talk to all of them though. either i can't find a nice topic to talk about, or i'm just not interested. and when i do talk to some of them, the conversation doesn't go freeflow. i hate it when that happens. makes me wonder if i'm boring... nah. we just have no fun topic in common. i'm a good boy. i drink ocassionally and barely get drunk, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs, i don't party at bars, i don't engage in one nighters... wait. geez. i AM boring. no mean bone. no naughty side. --> stop talking to yourself!! and you have a mean bone, hell you have a mean skeleton!! and your blood is BLACK! you just don't show it.
ok, enough. time to go home. i hope tomorrow won't be as boring as this one.
the little things
since it's a monday i just want to prevent it from being boring, blank and eventually, utterly sad upon the realization of the fact that it's a long way 'til the weekend, might as well write something here. how about a list of the simple things that make me happy? why not?
1.) a prayer for everyone i care about.
actually, i also pray for my enemies --> i don't know who these are, but what the heck. might as well save them from the fires of hell. *halo appears from head*
2.) teasing sessions with my mom and siblings.
same brand of humor from big sister to little brother. maybe that's why people think we're harsh... oh well. our humor was designed to bring down one's spirit. you just have to find a way to laugh it off.
3.) friends.
same as above, plus the concern, care, thought, and openess you don't find in a stall along glorietta or even in divisoria. not to mention the fact that they give you one of the warmest hugs you'll ever have in your entire existence. these guys are precious to me.
4.) icecream.
ah. comfort food. a cure for sadness, wehehe. i eat it almost everyday. go figure.
5.) sweet nothings.
i.e. "i miss you", "i love you", "take care", *holding hands*, *kiss*, *strolls*, *grins*... cheesy things. i really don't have that rocker image, but i'm not too soft either. above mentions are sweeter when said or done without warning. =)
6.) sunsets.
i love it when God paints the sky with wonderful colors. either that, or i just don't have anything to do on late afternoons. wehehe!!
7.) clouds.
i like them better than stars. i barely see stars. probably because i have blurred vision.
8.) nice photographs.
"nice" defined as scenery, nature, animals, emotions, stuff like that. not those you see in pron sites, but i look at them too, ocassionally, that is. wehehe. *evil grin*
9.) a nice song.
from the radio, or from my playlist, or from a really good band, or... uhm. well. you know what i mean. anything as long as it sounds good.
10.) mornings at the beach.
i've experiemced one in zambales. the air was so good. i love the sunrise touching my face. i love looking at the horizon. and it was the night when i saw the most number of shooting stars in my life. --> i remembered, whatever happened to my wishes?!?! *scratches head*
11.) daydreaming.
i guess everyone loves this. afterall, it's free. actually, one of the few free things left in the world.
12.) handwritten letters.
i miss giving and recieving these. i had a lot in high school. some of them are folded into things that would resemble a shirt, a heart, you know... a skill similar to the art of oregami? (did i get the spelling right?). hehe.
13.) chocolate.
i know, i know i'm lactose intolerant. i'm also a stubborn ass. harharhar!
14.) a puppy.
ofcourse i want them small at first, but i don't like them when they become bigger and look like goofy or pluto. we had one once. his name was borgy. my big sister brought him home. i always looked forward to going home from work to play with him, but he was puppy-napped. wish that stupid bastard rot in hell --> for goodness' sake, it was a native dog... a very cute dog, but native nonetheless.
15.) tree tops.
when i was young i used to climb trees and sit at the highest possible branch, feel the wind on my face, and go along with the branches as they sway with the wind. that was like being on top of the world.
there. enough procrastiantion for today. this doesn't get me in the mood to work, rather to take a vacation, but hell, i only have less than 2 weeks to finish my work... oh well. at least i'm not in a bad mood.
1.) a prayer for everyone i care about.
actually, i also pray for my enemies --> i don't know who these are, but what the heck. might as well save them from the fires of hell. *halo appears from head*
2.) teasing sessions with my mom and siblings.
same brand of humor from big sister to little brother. maybe that's why people think we're harsh... oh well. our humor was designed to bring down one's spirit. you just have to find a way to laugh it off.
3.) friends.
same as above, plus the concern, care, thought, and openess you don't find in a stall along glorietta or even in divisoria. not to mention the fact that they give you one of the warmest hugs you'll ever have in your entire existence. these guys are precious to me.
4.) icecream.
ah. comfort food. a cure for sadness, wehehe. i eat it almost everyday. go figure.
5.) sweet nothings.
i.e. "i miss you", "i love you", "take care", *holding hands*, *kiss*, *strolls*, *grins*... cheesy things. i really don't have that rocker image, but i'm not too soft either. above mentions are sweeter when said or done without warning. =)
6.) sunsets.
i love it when God paints the sky with wonderful colors. either that, or i just don't have anything to do on late afternoons. wehehe!!
7.) clouds.
i like them better than stars. i barely see stars. probably because i have blurred vision.
8.) nice photographs.
"nice" defined as scenery, nature, animals, emotions, stuff like that. not those you see in pron sites, but i look at them too, ocassionally, that is. wehehe. *evil grin*
9.) a nice song.
from the radio, or from my playlist, or from a really good band, or... uhm. well. you know what i mean. anything as long as it sounds good.
10.) mornings at the beach.
i've experiemced one in zambales. the air was so good. i love the sunrise touching my face. i love looking at the horizon. and it was the night when i saw the most number of shooting stars in my life. --> i remembered, whatever happened to my wishes?!?! *scratches head*
11.) daydreaming.
i guess everyone loves this. afterall, it's free. actually, one of the few free things left in the world.
12.) handwritten letters.
i miss giving and recieving these. i had a lot in high school. some of them are folded into things that would resemble a shirt, a heart, you know... a skill similar to the art of oregami? (did i get the spelling right?). hehe.
13.) chocolate.
i know, i know i'm lactose intolerant. i'm also a stubborn ass. harharhar!
14.) a puppy.
ofcourse i want them small at first, but i don't like them when they become bigger and look like goofy or pluto. we had one once. his name was borgy. my big sister brought him home. i always looked forward to going home from work to play with him, but he was puppy-napped. wish that stupid bastard rot in hell --> for goodness' sake, it was a native dog... a very cute dog, but native nonetheless.
15.) tree tops.
when i was young i used to climb trees and sit at the highest possible branch, feel the wind on my face, and go along with the branches as they sway with the wind. that was like being on top of the world.
there. enough procrastiantion for today. this doesn't get me in the mood to work, rather to take a vacation, but hell, i only have less than 2 weeks to finish my work... oh well. at least i'm not in a bad mood.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
a nice way to spend a friday night
HAH! whadayaknow!?!?! my decision didn't backfire!! wahahahaha!!!
uhrm...uhrm... ok. uhm. where was i? ah. yes.
HAH! wahahahahahahahaha!!!
forgive the idiotic expression. i'm just happy things worked out last night, though i've heard unexpected comments, but what the hell!! screw the unexpected comments!
you know that upset thing with cham? well, its over now. just told her to count me under her. got a smirk for a reply. how concise for a response, but i'll take anything. and ofcourse, the proverbial question ---> "what made you change your mind?"
call me concieted, but i think that was a fishing comment. but that's just me. forgive the stench of euphoria. things like this don't usually happen. harhar!!
and yeah, thanks sheila for putting up with me. i felt a lot better after talking to you. i owe you one. hehe!
and thanks to chona. pizza never tasted any better than last night!! ---> (i'm yet to proclaim it a fact that any food will taste superb when one will not perform the ritual of reaching for his wallet and take out some of those colored papers they call MONEY). harhar!! thanks again.
and thanks cham for not being upset with me anymore. i may just have to work around the fact that you're taken. ----> (leche, must i bring this up now?)
might just have to explain it her on monday. doesn't really matter to me if its cheesy or what. what matters is that its all good now. thank you, GOD. you don't know how happy i am to have that dreadful feeling of knowing she's upset with me gone. poof! nada! ziltch! ---> (did i get that one right? who cares? wahaha!!)
waking up on an early saturday morning with thoughts of last night is just... just... i have no word for you... sorry. hehe! but i can tell you that being with my friends make me feel alive. and i thank them for it. yeah, they might not be perfect, but who else is? i love them just the same. i hope they feel that.
oh yeah, and thank GOD also for extending my life unti last night. i'm having moderate to severe paranoia over that bastard. but that's not important right now. i got to eat pizza ---> (for the 5th time in two weeks! talk about luxury meals and stuffed crust pizza craze! but again, who cares? harhar!!) and get a good laugh ---> (this one i really miss. good thing raoul and albert were there, it would have been half-hilarious if they weren't. haven't seen pareng raoul for quite some time.)
i don't even care how much money was robbed from me last night. wait, for the record: i spent a hundred bucks on pizza, a cuple of hundred bucks for that statsoc ad thing, another hundred bucks for aki's despidida party. and i still have money in my wallet. that's good enough for me. i'd give anything for that kind of happiness. i'm glad i came. =)
and i have black coffee to go with this writing. and its just around 7 in the morning! ---> (for the record again: i got home @ 1am. my body clock needs some adjustments, but its fine. i like mornings)
anyways, that's one happy thought for you. hehe! hope this day turns out great! =p
uhrm...uhrm... ok. uhm. where was i? ah. yes.
HAH! wahahahahahahahaha!!!
forgive the idiotic expression. i'm just happy things worked out last night, though i've heard unexpected comments, but what the hell!! screw the unexpected comments!
you know that upset thing with cham? well, its over now. just told her to count me under her. got a smirk for a reply. how concise for a response, but i'll take anything. and ofcourse, the proverbial question ---> "what made you change your mind?"
call me concieted, but i think that was a fishing comment. but that's just me. forgive the stench of euphoria. things like this don't usually happen. harhar!!
and yeah, thanks sheila for putting up with me. i felt a lot better after talking to you. i owe you one. hehe!
and thanks to chona. pizza never tasted any better than last night!! ---> (i'm yet to proclaim it a fact that any food will taste superb when one will not perform the ritual of reaching for his wallet and take out some of those colored papers they call MONEY). harhar!! thanks again.
and thanks cham for not being upset with me anymore. i may just have to work around the fact that you're taken. ----> (leche, must i bring this up now?)
might just have to explain it her on monday. doesn't really matter to me if its cheesy or what. what matters is that its all good now. thank you, GOD. you don't know how happy i am to have that dreadful feeling of knowing she's upset with me gone. poof! nada! ziltch! ---> (did i get that one right? who cares? wahaha!!)
waking up on an early saturday morning with thoughts of last night is just... just... i have no word for you... sorry. hehe! but i can tell you that being with my friends make me feel alive. and i thank them for it. yeah, they might not be perfect, but who else is? i love them just the same. i hope they feel that.
oh yeah, and thank GOD also for extending my life unti last night. i'm having moderate to severe paranoia over that bastard. but that's not important right now. i got to eat pizza ---> (for the 5th time in two weeks! talk about luxury meals and stuffed crust pizza craze! but again, who cares? harhar!!) and get a good laugh ---> (this one i really miss. good thing raoul and albert were there, it would have been half-hilarious if they weren't. haven't seen pareng raoul for quite some time.)
i don't even care how much money was robbed from me last night. wait, for the record: i spent a hundred bucks on pizza, a cuple of hundred bucks for that statsoc ad thing, another hundred bucks for aki's despidida party. and i still have money in my wallet. that's good enough for me. i'd give anything for that kind of happiness. i'm glad i came. =)
and i have black coffee to go with this writing. and its just around 7 in the morning! ---> (for the record again: i got home @ 1am. my body clock needs some adjustments, but its fine. i like mornings)
anyways, that's one happy thought for you. hehe! hope this day turns out great! =p
Friday, October 15, 2004
hoping for a great day
i hope my decision would not backfire.
haven't told cham yet. but i'm going to count myself under her (still about that ad thing. and we said its no biggie. damnit, how many times did i mention this in my writings?). i'm going to e-mail sally as soon as i finish this writing. screw it if sally becomes upset, too.
yup, you guessed it right. my heart won over my head.
should i be happy? i should. but i'm NOT.
why? you say.
here's why.
yet again i've proven weakness by changing my decision JUST BECAUSE my friend is upset with me. this would imply her having power over me. she influences my decision at a large scale. and this is bad. very bad. why? she's not even my girlfriend for crying out loud!! yet i bow down to what she wants. i hate myself for not sticking to my decision.
this is just a part of me that's upset. i don't like inconsistencies. my HS barkada, was once dubbed "Most Inconsistent Boys". majority of us were, but i wasn't. if i say something i mean it, i do it, i stand by it, unlike now.
"is this part of a compromise to prevent tension and potential fights?"
maybe. but again, SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
why am i giving this much consideration on how she feels?
i hope i'm not in this mood when i come to dinner. and i hope they would be at their semi-best, non-teasing, sensitive behavior... or else sparks will fly.
"contain yourself. you wouldn't want to do that now, would you? "
i hope i won't get a phone call from that bastard lowlife. nothing would make me more infuriated than a measly phone call from someone who wants to throw his life away. might as well turn my phone off.
"start working. you had a wrong estimated timeframe. at least start now so you wouldn't kick yourself in the ass come the weekend when you find out you can't finish it. "
haven't told cham yet. but i'm going to count myself under her (still about that ad thing. and we said its no biggie. damnit, how many times did i mention this in my writings?). i'm going to e-mail sally as soon as i finish this writing. screw it if sally becomes upset, too.
yup, you guessed it right. my heart won over my head.
should i be happy? i should. but i'm NOT.
why? you say.
here's why.
yet again i've proven weakness by changing my decision JUST BECAUSE my friend is upset with me. this would imply her having power over me. she influences my decision at a large scale. and this is bad. very bad. why? she's not even my girlfriend for crying out loud!! yet i bow down to what she wants. i hate myself for not sticking to my decision.
this is just a part of me that's upset. i don't like inconsistencies. my HS barkada, was once dubbed "Most Inconsistent Boys". majority of us were, but i wasn't. if i say something i mean it, i do it, i stand by it, unlike now.
"is this part of a compromise to prevent tension and potential fights?"
maybe. but again, SHE IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND.
why am i giving this much consideration on how she feels?
i hope i'm not in this mood when i come to dinner. and i hope they would be at their semi-best, non-teasing, sensitive behavior... or else sparks will fly.
"contain yourself. you wouldn't want to do that now, would you? "
i hope i won't get a phone call from that bastard lowlife. nothing would make me more infuriated than a measly phone call from someone who wants to throw his life away. might as well turn my phone off.
"start working. you had a wrong estimated timeframe. at least start now so you wouldn't kick yourself in the ass come the weekend when you find out you can't finish it. "
Thursday, October 14, 2004
mind versus heart
funny i write in the morning... who cares?
i had some sort of argument last tuesday over the email. it's about a dinner/contribution/bonding among friends. my friends, that is. i was excited about it until cham had to bring up that topic about me counting myself under sally rather than under her. there goes excitement...
i know, i know we agreed that its no biggie. i shouldn't be bothered by it and so does she. i just didn't see the point in bringing that up. jenny said i shouldn't be included. fine. i won't argue with that.
i'm not mad. really. upset? maybe. my definition of a "no biggie" is something that wouldn't even pass up as a topic for a debate or something. something that's not worth mentioning. me counting under sally is "no biggie". that email conference was an entirely different topic altogether. call me dumb ass, i really don't get the point of bring it up.
i won't go to that dinner anymore. though i want to, because i miss them. but because i already said it (or imply it by saying, "enjoy dinner"), i won't. there's a man of his word for you. or more appropriately, there goes a proud stubborn ass for you. harhar!!
examining the situation...
simplified: mind versus heart. classic.
now don't get me wrong here. heart matters do not (i repeat, DO NOT) involve romantic feelings toward a certain someone. it's more of the feeling of missing the people you once spent most of college life with. the feeling of having someone to hang around with. the feeling of laughing with someone over the not-so-funny situations in life as well as the completely hilarious ones. the feeling of satisfaction in eating dinner becuase you not only feed your body but you feed your heart as well with telling and hearing stories and what-have-you's of the people you call friends. its that feeling of belonging. a feeling similar to coming home from work and completely forget about the troubles of work. it's THAT kind of heart matter.
mind matters are more of the objective. not necessarily the intellectual, but standing firm to one's word. i don't know what you call it when you stick to your word no matter what (some kind of virtue or something... whatever. i do that). inconsistencies are illogical. indecision is weakness. a voice in my head tells me:
i had some sort of argument last tuesday over the email. it's about a dinner/contribution/bonding among friends. my friends, that is. i was excited about it until cham had to bring up that topic about me counting myself under sally rather than under her. there goes excitement...
i know, i know we agreed that its no biggie. i shouldn't be bothered by it and so does she. i just didn't see the point in bringing that up. jenny said i shouldn't be included. fine. i won't argue with that.
i'm not mad. really. upset? maybe. my definition of a "no biggie" is something that wouldn't even pass up as a topic for a debate or something. something that's not worth mentioning. me counting under sally is "no biggie". that email conference was an entirely different topic altogether. call me dumb ass, i really don't get the point of bring it up.
i won't go to that dinner anymore. though i want to, because i miss them. but because i already said it (or imply it by saying, "enjoy dinner"), i won't. there's a man of his word for you. or more appropriately, there goes a proud stubborn ass for you. harhar!!
examining the situation...
simplified: mind versus heart. classic.
now don't get me wrong here. heart matters do not (i repeat, DO NOT) involve romantic feelings toward a certain someone. it's more of the feeling of missing the people you once spent most of college life with. the feeling of having someone to hang around with. the feeling of laughing with someone over the not-so-funny situations in life as well as the completely hilarious ones. the feeling of satisfaction in eating dinner becuase you not only feed your body but you feed your heart as well with telling and hearing stories and what-have-you's of the people you call friends. its that feeling of belonging. a feeling similar to coming home from work and completely forget about the troubles of work. it's THAT kind of heart matter.
mind matters are more of the objective. not necessarily the intellectual, but standing firm to one's word. i don't know what you call it when you stick to your word no matter what (some kind of virtue or something... whatever. i do that). inconsistencies are illogical. indecision is weakness. a voice in my head tells me:
"mean what you say, or else no one will believe you the next time you say something"
i don't know where that came from, but it made sense to me. why should i trust someone who says something but does the opposite? knowing this, being true to my word would earn me trust... or so i believe.
simply put: i want to go, but i gave them the impression that i wouldn't. so what now?
oh yeah. cham is still upset with me over that contribution ad thing. guess she'll be upset until the deadline. i want to count myself under her so that she wouldn't be upset anymore, but i don't want to change my decision. i think there's nothing wrong if count myself under sally. i was a member during her term, after all. i think its ok to support her.
i still have until tomorrow to think about it. i might just listen to my heart... like i always do.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
procrastination
seems to be a habit, especially among people i know, including myself, ofcourse.
i'm not here to justify that its a good thing. i would most likely get fired from my job for having such a habit, but what can you do? they give you a work that's relatively easy to do and a long deadline. like most smart ass people, i estimate the time it would take me to finish the task. and if i have a rough estimate of the time frame, i sit down, bum around, whine my way through the day, get bored, anything that is physically and mentally possible EXCEPT (i repeat, EXCEPT) do the task.
some say its a sign of greatness. being able to work under pressure, with the pressure applied to one's self by delaying the work 'til there is not enough time to do it, and still finishing with the best work. agree, don't you? i know some people who are masters of this art, and damn are they good!!
others might say its a bad work ethic. the sooner you get something done, the better. fine. point taken. so? will i get paid more if i give results a week earlier? will i get a promotion? an award? a prize? a raise? a cookie? i don't think so. all i'll be getting is more work. its nice, actually, for me at least, but it better be part of my job description. the corporate world just wants the best of you but doesn't give you the reward you deserve. well, that's another story.
i am assigned to sanitize the minutes of the meeting from january 'til present. i just have to make grammar and typo/spelling corrections and strikeout any unecessary comments which may be included in the report. sounds easy, huh? well, technically it is. there's just one tiny problem - IT'S BORING. forgive me for complaining, but i'd rather be dealing with an excel worksheet than read minutes and make corrections. it's just a total drag... not to mention a very good substitute for sleeping pills.
but who am i to complain? its an order. i HAVE to do it. oh well...
just this morning my boss told me to have the minutes sanitized within the next two weeks so filing of reports wouldn't be too much of a hassle. ok. fine. i have two weeks left. can i pull it off? perhaps. i already have a plan:
first week: do all corrections and strikeouts for the entire set of minutes. (or at least those that are completely transcripted) send to my boss to take a look at it a see if the corrections are acceptable enough.
second week: get the corresponding feedback on minutes and make the necessary changes. send it back for further scrutiny and/or approval. repeat process until minutes are santized to their liking. if it happens to be good on the first week. then i have a week of unadulterated bumming around. i hope my other bosses would give me something else to do.
once the task is done, a fresh start at a whole bunch of work. MY kind of work. mwehehe!! at last!! soemthing guilt-free and worthwhile to do. i'm tired surfing the net.
ok. enough procrastinating. time to get started.
i'm not here to justify that its a good thing. i would most likely get fired from my job for having such a habit, but what can you do? they give you a work that's relatively easy to do and a long deadline. like most smart ass people, i estimate the time it would take me to finish the task. and if i have a rough estimate of the time frame, i sit down, bum around, whine my way through the day, get bored, anything that is physically and mentally possible EXCEPT (i repeat, EXCEPT) do the task.
some say its a sign of greatness. being able to work under pressure, with the pressure applied to one's self by delaying the work 'til there is not enough time to do it, and still finishing with the best work. agree, don't you? i know some people who are masters of this art, and damn are they good!!
others might say its a bad work ethic. the sooner you get something done, the better. fine. point taken. so? will i get paid more if i give results a week earlier? will i get a promotion? an award? a prize? a raise? a cookie? i don't think so. all i'll be getting is more work. its nice, actually, for me at least, but it better be part of my job description. the corporate world just wants the best of you but doesn't give you the reward you deserve. well, that's another story.
i am assigned to sanitize the minutes of the meeting from january 'til present. i just have to make grammar and typo/spelling corrections and strikeout any unecessary comments which may be included in the report. sounds easy, huh? well, technically it is. there's just one tiny problem - IT'S BORING. forgive me for complaining, but i'd rather be dealing with an excel worksheet than read minutes and make corrections. it's just a total drag... not to mention a very good substitute for sleeping pills.
but who am i to complain? its an order. i HAVE to do it. oh well...
just this morning my boss told me to have the minutes sanitized within the next two weeks so filing of reports wouldn't be too much of a hassle. ok. fine. i have two weeks left. can i pull it off? perhaps. i already have a plan:
first week: do all corrections and strikeouts for the entire set of minutes. (or at least those that are completely transcripted) send to my boss to take a look at it a see if the corrections are acceptable enough.
second week: get the corresponding feedback on minutes and make the necessary changes. send it back for further scrutiny and/or approval. repeat process until minutes are santized to their liking. if it happens to be good on the first week. then i have a week of unadulterated bumming around. i hope my other bosses would give me something else to do.
once the task is done, a fresh start at a whole bunch of work. MY kind of work. mwehehe!! at last!! soemthing guilt-free and worthwhile to do. i'm tired surfing the net.
ok. enough procrastinating. time to get started.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
on thinking too much
maybe i AM thinking too much about things, about life, that i fail to experience it.
i may have got this from dawson (for those who don't know dawson, where've you been living? under a rock? he's one of the main characters in dawson's creek - you know, that angsty teen show i always watch because katie holmes is simply HOT. not to mention her character, joey potter, is one very interesting individual. well, as far as i'm concerned. well. uhm. yeah. she is. don't argue with me, it my blog). he tries to look for explanations for life's moments. more often than not he becomes a third person from the outside looking in, observing life as it happens. maybe i'm doing something similar to that. taking time to allow logic to explain life rather than taking time allowing myself to actually live. i guess this would explain why my life seem so boring. just remembered a quote. i forgot who told me or where i read it, but it goes like this;
i may have got this from dawson (for those who don't know dawson, where've you been living? under a rock? he's one of the main characters in dawson's creek - you know, that angsty teen show i always watch because katie holmes is simply HOT. not to mention her character, joey potter, is one very interesting individual. well, as far as i'm concerned. well. uhm. yeah. she is. don't argue with me, it my blog). he tries to look for explanations for life's moments. more often than not he becomes a third person from the outside looking in, observing life as it happens. maybe i'm doing something similar to that. taking time to allow logic to explain life rather than taking time allowing myself to actually live. i guess this would explain why my life seem so boring. just remembered a quote. i forgot who told me or where i read it, but it goes like this;
"life is to be lived... not thought about..."
i think i may have been using my brain cells too much too often, on things that don't matter (there's that phrase again.. i know, i know i've written something about it already. but hey, can't blame a guy for being such a thinker now, can you?). when i was in HS i've been experiencing severe headaches. headaches so painful taking aspirins would be as effective as banging my head against the wall. i have suspicions that its migraine or even a brain tumor (ma'am lisa tells me not to "mock the gods"). my boss tells me to see a doctor. i haven't. hey, i'm a stubborn ass. deal with it.
thing is, i may have these frequent excruciating pains becuase i've been thinking too much, either its a solution to a personal problem or simply trying to make sense of things that happened a long time ago. i don't know when and how i got to be this kind of person - always thinking. always trying to find answers to the why's in my life, and in the world. (hhhhmmm... the why's in my life... i should write those down...)
how can you stop yourself from doing this? especially when you're so used to it that its virtually automatic?
and not only that. the things you think about are scrambled in your head that you can't keep a constant thought for a good 10 seconds. you're clueless as to how to organize your thoughts and make sense out of them. you feel that you know the answers to most of your questions but you seem to struggle with the logic of it, or the validity of its argument, or whatever it is that will make you feel confident enough to leave that thought and take care of a whole new mess of thoughts and ideas.
wait. hhhmmm... i think i know now what i need.
...a vacation.
thing is, i may have these frequent excruciating pains becuase i've been thinking too much, either its a solution to a personal problem or simply trying to make sense of things that happened a long time ago. i don't know when and how i got to be this kind of person - always thinking. always trying to find answers to the why's in my life, and in the world. (hhhhmmm... the why's in my life... i should write those down...)
how can you stop yourself from doing this? especially when you're so used to it that its virtually automatic?
and not only that. the things you think about are scrambled in your head that you can't keep a constant thought for a good 10 seconds. you're clueless as to how to organize your thoughts and make sense out of them. you feel that you know the answers to most of your questions but you seem to struggle with the logic of it, or the validity of its argument, or whatever it is that will make you feel confident enough to leave that thought and take care of a whole new mess of thoughts and ideas.
wait. hhhmmm... i think i know now what i need.
...a vacation.
Monday, October 11, 2004
a girl named sheila
in my attempts to survive a rather boring day i find myself addicted to online community sites (i.e. friendster and its clones), message baords, and anything else that has something written on it.
for this article's sake, we will focus on an incident in an online community site - hipstir.
for lack of something to do (or boredom over the things i have to do), i read blogs posted over my home page. i stumlbled upon a blog that asks why people add up other people in their lists without knowing them first. and again, for lack of something to do, and being the guy who eagerly wants to answer and explain things, i gave my two cents' worth on her issue. surprising enough, she replied to me saying, "finally, someone who has more to say than just 'hi' or 'can we be friends?'", then explains the reason for such a blog entry. needless to say, it was some sort of trap and i fell for it, as she put it.
i did get a good fifteen minutes talking to her online. she mentioned something about people either finding happiness over someone who's more pathetic than they are, or not listening to whatever problems she had. being the sensitive do-gooder than i am. i provided some comfort by saying i'll listen to her. "it's no biggie, actually. i just had a bad week, that's all", she explained. ok. no biggie. understood. i won't ask again.
then i saw another blog entry that says she's going to be in a bad mood til christmas. and here i thought she was ok. so i asked, and she replied saying it she'll get over it. oh well... i don't force people to spill things out. so let her be.
and just recently she posted another blog entry saying she'll answer any 10 questions anyone may want to ask. thought it would be a great idea to know her more. and so i asked away. true enough, she kept her part of the bargain. that was another trap... and i fell for it... again.
i'm just happy i have someone i can talk to over the net. i don't have anyone else here in the office besides our secretary, who is out most of the time. i rarely see my friends, as we all have to endure the fact that we are part of this country's workforce. i barely have any communication with HS friends. and even if i do, theyare just as busy as i am. anyway, i'm starting to like her, even if all she does is answer my questions.
now, lets hear the voices in my head:
voice #1: "you sure you want to involve yourself with this girl? she seems to be a nice girl and all... but i think you have different lifestyles..."
voice #2: "you know what? its about time you pull yourself together and have the guts to go out there and meet people. she doesn't see you as a loser. and she's right. you are NOT a loser. for crying out loud, have some confidence in yourself!!"
voice #3: "you're wasting your time. you'll just end up wanting something (or in this case, someone) you can never have. stop. girls like her will only exist in your dreams."
me: "is she starting to get annoyed by my constant messages? should i stop? maybe i should."
voice #5: "remember what hazel told you? why do you invest emotions over some stranger?"
me: "honestly, i don't know..."
voice #6: "she likes coffee. you should ask her out."
me: "but what if she doesn't like me?"
voice #6: "what's not to like about you? you're smart. witty. other poeple say you're good looking even if you have those pimiple scars. you can be funny, too. you've got this kick-ass job, you're sproty, you're kind, you're honest, you're humble (well, except ofr this line, maybe), and you're one cool guy. what else does she want? you're definitely a catch"
ok. enough space for you guys. i'm the boss around here.
whatever happens, happens. enjoy it while it lasts. if for some reason, one of you gets bored talking to the other - there's only one thing you have to do: NOTHING. don't do anything. don't send messages, don't leave comments. nothing. nada. but as of now, go make yourself happy and try to take your mind off the things that's been bugging you for weeks.. you need all the lovin' you can get, however profound or shallow it may be.
wait, was that another voice?
for this article's sake, we will focus on an incident in an online community site - hipstir.
for lack of something to do (or boredom over the things i have to do), i read blogs posted over my home page. i stumlbled upon a blog that asks why people add up other people in their lists without knowing them first. and again, for lack of something to do, and being the guy who eagerly wants to answer and explain things, i gave my two cents' worth on her issue. surprising enough, she replied to me saying, "finally, someone who has more to say than just 'hi' or 'can we be friends?'", then explains the reason for such a blog entry. needless to say, it was some sort of trap and i fell for it, as she put it.
i did get a good fifteen minutes talking to her online. she mentioned something about people either finding happiness over someone who's more pathetic than they are, or not listening to whatever problems she had. being the sensitive do-gooder than i am. i provided some comfort by saying i'll listen to her. "it's no biggie, actually. i just had a bad week, that's all", she explained. ok. no biggie. understood. i won't ask again.
then i saw another blog entry that says she's going to be in a bad mood til christmas. and here i thought she was ok. so i asked, and she replied saying it she'll get over it. oh well... i don't force people to spill things out. so let her be.
and just recently she posted another blog entry saying she'll answer any 10 questions anyone may want to ask. thought it would be a great idea to know her more. and so i asked away. true enough, she kept her part of the bargain. that was another trap... and i fell for it... again.
i'm just happy i have someone i can talk to over the net. i don't have anyone else here in the office besides our secretary, who is out most of the time. i rarely see my friends, as we all have to endure the fact that we are part of this country's workforce. i barely have any communication with HS friends. and even if i do, theyare just as busy as i am. anyway, i'm starting to like her, even if all she does is answer my questions.
now, lets hear the voices in my head:
voice #1: "you sure you want to involve yourself with this girl? she seems to be a nice girl and all... but i think you have different lifestyles..."
voice #2: "you know what? its about time you pull yourself together and have the guts to go out there and meet people. she doesn't see you as a loser. and she's right. you are NOT a loser. for crying out loud, have some confidence in yourself!!"
voice #3: "you're wasting your time. you'll just end up wanting something (or in this case, someone) you can never have. stop. girls like her will only exist in your dreams."
me: "is she starting to get annoyed by my constant messages? should i stop? maybe i should."
voice #5: "remember what hazel told you? why do you invest emotions over some stranger?"
me: "honestly, i don't know..."
voice #6: "she likes coffee. you should ask her out."
me: "but what if she doesn't like me?"
voice #6: "what's not to like about you? you're smart. witty. other poeple say you're good looking even if you have those pimiple scars. you can be funny, too. you've got this kick-ass job, you're sproty, you're kind, you're honest, you're humble (well, except ofr this line, maybe), and you're one cool guy. what else does she want? you're definitely a catch"
ok. enough space for you guys. i'm the boss around here.
whatever happens, happens. enjoy it while it lasts. if for some reason, one of you gets bored talking to the other - there's only one thing you have to do: NOTHING. don't do anything. don't send messages, don't leave comments. nothing. nada. but as of now, go make yourself happy and try to take your mind off the things that's been bugging you for weeks.. you need all the lovin' you can get, however profound or shallow it may be.
wait, was that another voice?
random thoughts on a monday morning
what am i writing on a monday morning?
well, i didn't have th chance to write yesterday... thought i might just do it now.
yesterday was my fourth pizza for the week.
i had pizza last saturday, last wednesday, last friday, and yesterday. geez, talk about luxury meals.
but yesterday's luch was special... well, to me, at least.
screw my savings, i treated my family out to lunch. had two pizzas, chicken wings, and bottomless drinks. ofcourse there were the inavoidable teasing among us. laughter and plain crazyness. that made my day, after spending almost my whole saturday looking for my bastard friend in Caloocan. wait, he's NOT my friend. let me make that clear.
i don't know if the son of a bitch was released. i'm yet to hear from him. and after some thinking, i've decided i'm done helping him. what the hell was he doing with a knife? i told him to put things like that away, as he doesn't need it. and why was he in Caloocan? i thought he had no money? what the hell was he doing there?
that fuckin' lying bastard...
he might think i didn't help him. he may be mad at me and decide to kill me. doesn't really matter to me if he does. he'd better not hurt my love ones, or else i will give him a punishment worse than death...
anyways, back to sunday lunch. it was fun. really. its rare for us to eat out together. we're trying to save up as dad is close to retirement. geez... that means i'm going to take responsibilities... but it's fine. it's better that my salary go to the ones i care about, not to some pathetic-excuse for a friend who wants to drag me down with him.
just remembered. besides my 11,500, he also has my UP id. damnit.
i hope cham isn't upset with me anymore. i don't want to die knowing she has ill feelings for me.
well, i didn't have th chance to write yesterday... thought i might just do it now.
yesterday was my fourth pizza for the week.
i had pizza last saturday, last wednesday, last friday, and yesterday. geez, talk about luxury meals.
but yesterday's luch was special... well, to me, at least.
screw my savings, i treated my family out to lunch. had two pizzas, chicken wings, and bottomless drinks. ofcourse there were the inavoidable teasing among us. laughter and plain crazyness. that made my day, after spending almost my whole saturday looking for my bastard friend in Caloocan. wait, he's NOT my friend. let me make that clear.
i don't know if the son of a bitch was released. i'm yet to hear from him. and after some thinking, i've decided i'm done helping him. what the hell was he doing with a knife? i told him to put things like that away, as he doesn't need it. and why was he in Caloocan? i thought he had no money? what the hell was he doing there?
that fuckin' lying bastard...
he might think i didn't help him. he may be mad at me and decide to kill me. doesn't really matter to me if he does. he'd better not hurt my love ones, or else i will give him a punishment worse than death...
anyways, back to sunday lunch. it was fun. really. its rare for us to eat out together. we're trying to save up as dad is close to retirement. geez... that means i'm going to take responsibilities... but it's fine. it's better that my salary go to the ones i care about, not to some pathetic-excuse for a friend who wants to drag me down with him.
just remembered. besides my 11,500, he also has my UP id. damnit.
i hope cham isn't upset with me anymore. i don't want to die knowing she has ill feelings for me.
Saturday, October 09, 2004
waste of a beautiful day
Alright, I’m officially going to break that bastard’s neck…
I have been containing myself since yesterday. Now I have no more reason to trust and help him.
When worse comes to worst, I’m going to die. In case that happens I’ll tell everything here:
His name is hernanie roxas, but he uses another name – Vincent blue roxas. He got out of prison by being acquitted for stabbing his neighbor (who, for fact’s sake, died). He came up to me, asking for help. (help is defined as monetary help. He needed money to buy a ticket to davao, where his sister lives, but eventually find out his sister doesn’t live there anymore). I help him. Gave him money to buy for tickets. Next thing I knew he was at my doorstep, again. Now asking for money to falsify his documents (HS and college transcripts, diplomas, NBI clearance, birth certificate and other documents. Since he now uses Vincent blue as his name, all his records must have that name) and I gave him, again. He made me a co-maker in his pension plan as proof that he will pay me his debt (which, by that time amounted to 8,500). I agreed.
He has a job in nueva viscaya as a dj of a local radio station in the province. He comes back and asks for more money (3,000 more so he could pay his pension and get a bigger loan). I gave it to him. Now he has 11,500 of my hard-earned money.
And today he called up at 8 in the morning to tell me to come to the Caloocan police station because he was caught with a balisong and he had my id and other documents. Police suspected him of mugging me, which wasn’t true. Police didn’t believe him when he explained it. I had to come to the station to prove it. And came I did, only to find no trace of him or his records from the station. I spent almost the whole freakin’ day trying to find him, but to no avail. And now I’m here writing this just so I can calm myself down and prevent myself from breaking every bone in his body.
This day isn’t over yet. It WILL get worse. God, help me. I’m going to snap, and I don’t know what I would do if I do snap.
Sayang, the sky was beautiful today. didn’t have the chance to appreciate it more.
I have been containing myself since yesterday. Now I have no more reason to trust and help him.
When worse comes to worst, I’m going to die. In case that happens I’ll tell everything here:
His name is hernanie roxas, but he uses another name – Vincent blue roxas. He got out of prison by being acquitted for stabbing his neighbor (who, for fact’s sake, died). He came up to me, asking for help. (help is defined as monetary help. He needed money to buy a ticket to davao, where his sister lives, but eventually find out his sister doesn’t live there anymore). I help him. Gave him money to buy for tickets. Next thing I knew he was at my doorstep, again. Now asking for money to falsify his documents (HS and college transcripts, diplomas, NBI clearance, birth certificate and other documents. Since he now uses Vincent blue as his name, all his records must have that name) and I gave him, again. He made me a co-maker in his pension plan as proof that he will pay me his debt (which, by that time amounted to 8,500). I agreed.
He has a job in nueva viscaya as a dj of a local radio station in the province. He comes back and asks for more money (3,000 more so he could pay his pension and get a bigger loan). I gave it to him. Now he has 11,500 of my hard-earned money.
And today he called up at 8 in the morning to tell me to come to the Caloocan police station because he was caught with a balisong and he had my id and other documents. Police suspected him of mugging me, which wasn’t true. Police didn’t believe him when he explained it. I had to come to the station to prove it. And came I did, only to find no trace of him or his records from the station. I spent almost the whole freakin’ day trying to find him, but to no avail. And now I’m here writing this just so I can calm myself down and prevent myself from breaking every bone in his body.
This day isn’t over yet. It WILL get worse. God, help me. I’m going to snap, and I don’t know what I would do if I do snap.
Sayang, the sky was beautiful today. didn’t have the chance to appreciate it more.
Friday, October 08, 2004
things that matter
never thought friday would go by so fast.
its 2pm.
i didn't have lunch.
i still have problems with my schedule later.
that bastard ex-con didn't show up.
cham's upset with me.
i'm broke.
and i still have no direction.
damnit.
now that that's out of the way, let's try to make a few things clear.
GOD
He has plans for me, i know. he may not explain it to me so i wouldn't expect anything. He gives me these problems that are WAY SO OUTRAGEOUS i don't know how to solve it. but i know He does these things for my own good.
i know You're listening. thanks for everything You've given me. i really mean it.
oh yeah, i'm sorry i wasn't able to meet up with You last sunday. i had to stay up late with cham since she needs someone to accompany her while she waits for his ride home. i hope You're not angry. i promise to make up for it this sunday.
FAMILY
when i get my money back from that bastard (sorry, i'm a thead away from snapping at him. this is my only output, so deal with it), i'm gonna take my family out to lunch on sunday. just realized that i've been helping someone who never did anything for me, who was never a friend, and i'm depriving my family of the blessings i've been getting through monetary means. i just hope the son of a bitch pay me as soon as possible.
i may not be able to tell them so i guess i'll just say it here. mom, dad, ate, erwin, leah, aljohn - i love you guys. i know we don't get along a lot, but hey, you're the only family i have. and i'm thankful that i have you guys. we all know the house doesn't permit stinky mush such as this, so i'll just let it stink here in my blog. wehehe.
FRIENDS
they're my only outlet when everything gets too messed up. listening to the radio and drawing my characters doesn't seem to work for me recently. plus they make me feel loved and appreciated - something i haven't been feeling for quite some time.
let's see, to hazel, cham jr, vinz, jolee, jenny, aki, albert, sheila and the others (no offense. besides, its not like someone can read this...) - thanks so much for making life a bit more bearable, a bit colorful, and a bit happier. it means a lot to me. really. well. uhm. ok. enough mush. hehe.
as i'm writing this i'm talking to cham via email. as stated above she's upset with me because i didn't want to count myself as one under her contributors for the statsoc ad. (i'm too drained to elaborate, so i'll leave it at that). its funny that she's talking to me and she's upset. i can't remember her like this before. maybe i AM in her comfort zone already... hhhhmmm... i don't know if that's a good thing or not. anyway, i'll find out soon enough. i wish she wouldn't be upset with me anymore.
PROBLEMS
they are there to make you think, to make you feel, and to make you strong. they are not there to destroy you and they are definitely NOT there for you to dwell on them. it's just like a math problem, except that you get peace of mind (either partial or otherwise) rather than grades. deal with them, don't runaway. don't dwell on them either.
well, that's that. i'm going to watch a funny movie later. i need a good laugh. this day isn't really a great one.
its 2pm.
i didn't have lunch.
i still have problems with my schedule later.
that bastard ex-con didn't show up.
cham's upset with me.
i'm broke.
and i still have no direction.
damnit.
now that that's out of the way, let's try to make a few things clear.
GOD
He has plans for me, i know. he may not explain it to me so i wouldn't expect anything. He gives me these problems that are WAY SO OUTRAGEOUS i don't know how to solve it. but i know He does these things for my own good.
i know You're listening. thanks for everything You've given me. i really mean it.
oh yeah, i'm sorry i wasn't able to meet up with You last sunday. i had to stay up late with cham since she needs someone to accompany her while she waits for his ride home. i hope You're not angry. i promise to make up for it this sunday.
FAMILY
when i get my money back from that bastard (sorry, i'm a thead away from snapping at him. this is my only output, so deal with it), i'm gonna take my family out to lunch on sunday. just realized that i've been helping someone who never did anything for me, who was never a friend, and i'm depriving my family of the blessings i've been getting through monetary means. i just hope the son of a bitch pay me as soon as possible.
i may not be able to tell them so i guess i'll just say it here. mom, dad, ate, erwin, leah, aljohn - i love you guys. i know we don't get along a lot, but hey, you're the only family i have. and i'm thankful that i have you guys. we all know the house doesn't permit stinky mush such as this, so i'll just let it stink here in my blog. wehehe.
FRIENDS
they're my only outlet when everything gets too messed up. listening to the radio and drawing my characters doesn't seem to work for me recently. plus they make me feel loved and appreciated - something i haven't been feeling for quite some time.
let's see, to hazel, cham jr, vinz, jolee, jenny, aki, albert, sheila and the others (no offense. besides, its not like someone can read this...) - thanks so much for making life a bit more bearable, a bit colorful, and a bit happier. it means a lot to me. really. well. uhm. ok. enough mush. hehe.
as i'm writing this i'm talking to cham via email. as stated above she's upset with me because i didn't want to count myself as one under her contributors for the statsoc ad. (i'm too drained to elaborate, so i'll leave it at that). its funny that she's talking to me and she's upset. i can't remember her like this before. maybe i AM in her comfort zone already... hhhhmmm... i don't know if that's a good thing or not. anyway, i'll find out soon enough. i wish she wouldn't be upset with me anymore.
PROBLEMS
they are there to make you think, to make you feel, and to make you strong. they are not there to destroy you and they are definitely NOT there for you to dwell on them. it's just like a math problem, except that you get peace of mind (either partial or otherwise) rather than grades. deal with them, don't runaway. don't dwell on them either.
well, that's that. i'm going to watch a funny movie later. i need a good laugh. this day isn't really a great one.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
tell me something: am i a bad person?
well, as the title goes, am I?
I’m lost somewhere between the lines I’ve drawn to categorize good and bad. Having this another twisted argument that good and bad are like any other adjectives in the English language, I have this tendency to dismiss the notion of good and bad, right and wrong, as their meaning differs from one person to the next. Hence my question.
I’ve been wanting to ask this question to a lot of people, hoping I’d get a sound answer. Not the ones people would assume I’d agree with. Most of them would probably say, “no, you’re not a bad person”. Others, more often my close friends who would take joy in answering this rather “mushy” question would say, “hell yeah, dude. You ARE bad”.
Screw them. That opens another issue.
I’ve been taught to be a goodie-to-shoe since I was little. I did everything my parents wanted me to do – study hard. Be good. Don’t lie. You pretty much get the picture, right?
I never really realized why I was doing the things my parents told me to do. Now that I have realized them, there’s one question: did I do such things because my parents told me so, or because I wanted to do them myself?
Heh… phrasing that question and reading it made me realize my boss IS right. I think of things that DO NOT MATTER.
Its something I’ve done in the past. If ever I have the same question in my head right now whenever I do something, it doesn’t really matter. There are you things do because its an ORDER and there things you do because you WANT to do them. Everything I do doesn’t have to have one reason… I get it now. Hehe, funny. I realized this while writing. Maybe this journal thing really works.
Now, back to my question. Am I a bad person? Maybe it doesn’t matter if I know the answer to this question or not. What matters is that I am what I am and I have reasons for doing things.
Wow. I hope I could keep this frame of mind every time I feel like I did something bad to someone.
I’m lost somewhere between the lines I’ve drawn to categorize good and bad. Having this another twisted argument that good and bad are like any other adjectives in the English language, I have this tendency to dismiss the notion of good and bad, right and wrong, as their meaning differs from one person to the next. Hence my question.
I’ve been wanting to ask this question to a lot of people, hoping I’d get a sound answer. Not the ones people would assume I’d agree with. Most of them would probably say, “no, you’re not a bad person”. Others, more often my close friends who would take joy in answering this rather “mushy” question would say, “hell yeah, dude. You ARE bad”.
Screw them. That opens another issue.
I’ve been taught to be a goodie-to-shoe since I was little. I did everything my parents wanted me to do – study hard. Be good. Don’t lie. You pretty much get the picture, right?
I never really realized why I was doing the things my parents told me to do. Now that I have realized them, there’s one question: did I do such things because my parents told me so, or because I wanted to do them myself?
Heh… phrasing that question and reading it made me realize my boss IS right. I think of things that DO NOT MATTER.
Its something I’ve done in the past. If ever I have the same question in my head right now whenever I do something, it doesn’t really matter. There are you things do because its an ORDER and there things you do because you WANT to do them. Everything I do doesn’t have to have one reason… I get it now. Hehe, funny. I realized this while writing. Maybe this journal thing really works.
Now, back to my question. Am I a bad person? Maybe it doesn’t matter if I know the answer to this question or not. What matters is that I am what I am and I have reasons for doing things.
Wow. I hope I could keep this frame of mind every time I feel like I did something bad to someone.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
things i want to say to people: part I
Things I want to say to people: part I: Friends
Hazel:
I wish there’s a way for you to get your life back. Yeah I know you’re earning a lot and all, but for you to work THIS hard? I think you’re just saving up so you have money to pay for hospital bills. I feel so helpless that I can’t do anything just to make your situation a bit bearable. Eniweis, I can tell you this any time of the day I please.
What I want to tell you is that I’m very much thankful that I have you in my life. I know, I know I’ve said the same thing over and over but what the hell. I don’t know how to thank you enough for putting up with me and my immaturities (yep. I AM immature. Big surprise for me, though). I think you are, by far, the only person who has a clue as to why I am what I am (err… what am I again?). I’ll never forget the time when everyone else treated me as if I just massacred a whole village. You listened to what I had to say. You didn’t judge me. You understood (well, I’m guessing you do) me when everyone else didn’t give a damn and chose the easier way – branding me as a bad guy.
I had this conversation with jiena over the net and I told her how special you are to me. So special it scares the hell out of me. Scared of losing you. Scared of falling for you. Scared that I might push you away and you wouldn’t come back. Scared of… well, you know, bah… you get the picture.
I do hope things between us won’t change. Or if it will, I hope it’s for the better. It would be nice to have a close friend like you ten or twenty years from now. =)
Cham:
Hhhmmm… where do I start? =)
Well, for one I feel like I’m already in your so-called “comfort zone”. To tell you honestly, I’m not used to you cursing me and opening up and sharing stories. That’s not like you. Well. At least not when I’m around you. I feel like I’m closer to you now than I was before. Maybe I’m wrong, you’ll be the judge of that…
Not that I don’t like this new-found (or realization of, or whichever is appropriate) closeness between us. Really, I’m enjoying your company now more than ever. But being the cynic you all knew and loved (just an expression here, ok?), it has (or I think it has) an adverse effect on me. Of course how can we forget our history? (history reads: friendship. Disappointments and heartache). I’d like to believe that you’re aware of the fact that I fell for you before. That you’re also aware that I never did say that I was over you. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure of it myself. Hazel told me once that I HAVE gotten over you. For some time I believed it to be true. But this closeness between you and I makes me think otherwise. Not to mention the occasional stings I feel when I see you and toff together. Happy. Believe me, there’s nothing more I want than your happiness. But sometimes I ask myself why I stayed with you. I MUST be asking for pain. I’m not blaming myself or you or anything else for this pain. There’s no use in blaming. Question is what to do now?
I don’t want to admit that I may still be (or again have) fallen for you. Maybe I still am. Maybe I already have. I any case, thanks for accepting me after everything we’ve been through.
Jolee:
You wouldn’t want to hear this…
Remember when we talked online one time? When I apologized for blaming you whenever something bad (more often than not connected to aiza) happens? I meant what I said. But I wished you’d apologize to me just as well…
You see, that issue between aiza and I defined where we are in each other’s lives – apparently not close. You took her side. You never bothered to ask me my side of the story. You know how it feels when your friends take sides and makes things worse rather than be objective and help fix the problem?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad at you anymore. Really. I’m not. But don’t expect your name to be on top of my list of “special” people. You never listened to my side of the story of that fuckin’ incident. I never taught you to divulge a secret for the sake of mockery. You’ve always judged me by your standards, may it be a joke or otherwise. I hate that. Frankly speaking, I don’t know you anymore.
And please, enough with your comments on me and aiza. Its not funny.
Aiza:
Hhhmmm… well. Here it goes.
You know, we could fix things. You just have friends who make our acquaintance more like a scene watched on late Saturday afternoon youth-oriented programs. Awkwardness would be the theme of the scenario. Believe me, it’s anything BUT funny.
Guess you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t reach out to you as much. Losing a friend sucks. Know so. But what irritates me is the fact that we can still fix this but we can’t because your friends throw comments in shades of gray. If I react on it, I’d be an assuming jerk. If I don’t react on it, I’m a cold, insensitive bastard. What am I to do? I hate it when I have to watch every word I say and every action I take when you’re around just so your friends won’t get the satisfaction of seeing the awkwardness between us. I might as well hit them with a vase or something.
Aki:
I don't like to think of these as parting words…
For the longest time I wanted to ask you if garbriel wasn’t in the picture, would you have loved me?
Okay, okay. So I guess I couldn’t ask that one. But what the heck! You’re leaving within the month, and you’re coming back God knows when. By that time I may not even recognize you if I happen to be in the cubao area. You have taken a considerable amount of time and effort understanding me and putting up with my rather pathetic stories. You said you were more of a listener than a talker. I thank you for that.
And yeah. I still owe you a meal before you go to the land of the rising sun.
Jenny:
I never did understand why it seems like we have this big wall of un-openess between us, or this line of closeness we can’t cross. You seemed to never tell me stories about yourself. I do suppose you have problems and stories you can share. Either you’re not that type of person and I just refuse to believe/accept that you are, or you don’t trust me enough with intimate details of yourself. Whichever your reason is, I really don’t care. All I know is that we’re not sharing enough, hence that big wall and the line, and this short script.
Hope you guys won’t read this. This came from a voice in my head. From a part of myself that will say or do anything and not care about the consequences. --> Geez… to who am I explaining this?!?!
Hazel:
I wish there’s a way for you to get your life back. Yeah I know you’re earning a lot and all, but for you to work THIS hard? I think you’re just saving up so you have money to pay for hospital bills. I feel so helpless that I can’t do anything just to make your situation a bit bearable. Eniweis, I can tell you this any time of the day I please.
What I want to tell you is that I’m very much thankful that I have you in my life. I know, I know I’ve said the same thing over and over but what the hell. I don’t know how to thank you enough for putting up with me and my immaturities (yep. I AM immature. Big surprise for me, though). I think you are, by far, the only person who has a clue as to why I am what I am (err… what am I again?). I’ll never forget the time when everyone else treated me as if I just massacred a whole village. You listened to what I had to say. You didn’t judge me. You understood (well, I’m guessing you do) me when everyone else didn’t give a damn and chose the easier way – branding me as a bad guy.
I had this conversation with jiena over the net and I told her how special you are to me. So special it scares the hell out of me. Scared of losing you. Scared of falling for you. Scared that I might push you away and you wouldn’t come back. Scared of… well, you know, bah… you get the picture.
I do hope things between us won’t change. Or if it will, I hope it’s for the better. It would be nice to have a close friend like you ten or twenty years from now. =)
Cham:
Hhhmmm… where do I start? =)
Well, for one I feel like I’m already in your so-called “comfort zone”. To tell you honestly, I’m not used to you cursing me and opening up and sharing stories. That’s not like you. Well. At least not when I’m around you. I feel like I’m closer to you now than I was before. Maybe I’m wrong, you’ll be the judge of that…
Not that I don’t like this new-found (or realization of, or whichever is appropriate) closeness between us. Really, I’m enjoying your company now more than ever. But being the cynic you all knew and loved (just an expression here, ok?), it has (or I think it has) an adverse effect on me. Of course how can we forget our history? (history reads: friendship. Disappointments and heartache). I’d like to believe that you’re aware of the fact that I fell for you before. That you’re also aware that I never did say that I was over you. Frankly speaking, I’m not sure of it myself. Hazel told me once that I HAVE gotten over you. For some time I believed it to be true. But this closeness between you and I makes me think otherwise. Not to mention the occasional stings I feel when I see you and toff together. Happy. Believe me, there’s nothing more I want than your happiness. But sometimes I ask myself why I stayed with you. I MUST be asking for pain. I’m not blaming myself or you or anything else for this pain. There’s no use in blaming. Question is what to do now?
I don’t want to admit that I may still be (or again have) fallen for you. Maybe I still am. Maybe I already have. I any case, thanks for accepting me after everything we’ve been through.
Jolee:
You wouldn’t want to hear this…
Remember when we talked online one time? When I apologized for blaming you whenever something bad (more often than not connected to aiza) happens? I meant what I said. But I wished you’d apologize to me just as well…
You see, that issue between aiza and I defined where we are in each other’s lives – apparently not close. You took her side. You never bothered to ask me my side of the story. You know how it feels when your friends take sides and makes things worse rather than be objective and help fix the problem?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not mad at you anymore. Really. I’m not. But don’t expect your name to be on top of my list of “special” people. You never listened to my side of the story of that fuckin’ incident. I never taught you to divulge a secret for the sake of mockery. You’ve always judged me by your standards, may it be a joke or otherwise. I hate that. Frankly speaking, I don’t know you anymore.
And please, enough with your comments on me and aiza. Its not funny.
Aiza:
Hhhmmm… well. Here it goes.
You know, we could fix things. You just have friends who make our acquaintance more like a scene watched on late Saturday afternoon youth-oriented programs. Awkwardness would be the theme of the scenario. Believe me, it’s anything BUT funny.
Guess you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t reach out to you as much. Losing a friend sucks. Know so. But what irritates me is the fact that we can still fix this but we can’t because your friends throw comments in shades of gray. If I react on it, I’d be an assuming jerk. If I don’t react on it, I’m a cold, insensitive bastard. What am I to do? I hate it when I have to watch every word I say and every action I take when you’re around just so your friends won’t get the satisfaction of seeing the awkwardness between us. I might as well hit them with a vase or something.
Aki:
I don't like to think of these as parting words…
For the longest time I wanted to ask you if garbriel wasn’t in the picture, would you have loved me?
Okay, okay. So I guess I couldn’t ask that one. But what the heck! You’re leaving within the month, and you’re coming back God knows when. By that time I may not even recognize you if I happen to be in the cubao area. You have taken a considerable amount of time and effort understanding me and putting up with my rather pathetic stories. You said you were more of a listener than a talker. I thank you for that.
And yeah. I still owe you a meal before you go to the land of the rising sun.
Jenny:
I never did understand why it seems like we have this big wall of un-openess between us, or this line of closeness we can’t cross. You seemed to never tell me stories about yourself. I do suppose you have problems and stories you can share. Either you’re not that type of person and I just refuse to believe/accept that you are, or you don’t trust me enough with intimate details of yourself. Whichever your reason is, I really don’t care. All I know is that we’re not sharing enough, hence that big wall and the line, and this short script.
Hope you guys won’t read this. This came from a voice in my head. From a part of myself that will say or do anything and not care about the consequences. --> Geez… to who am I explaining this?!?!
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