question posed... i dunno the answer...
been talking to someone, whom shall be referred to as "M" a few days back, and guess who the subject is... yep, you got it right. it's about cham. now i know i've been through this a hundred times already. but hey, what can i do if she's an interesting topic for discussion?
it just surprised me that i tend to remember almost every moment she and i had in the last 3 or 4 years. and as i share every single moment, i felt more and more thankful that i have her in my life... that i didn't walk away from a damaged friendship... that i decided to stay.
now i wish this is just one of those days that i can't control my feelings and rationalize things without realities in check. being told that i am lucky that i'm close to someone like cham does make my heart skip a beat. afterall, its hard to find someone like her - an "angel", as "M" puts it. M's rather envious of my connection to her... i don't know if its worth the envy, though. my connection to her may be worth the envy, but its also frustrating to be just her friend... to see her in her highest of highs and lowest of lows, and see her being held in someone else's arms is just downright frustrating. i feel stings everytime i see that. but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it.
to be honest, i feel like i'm a proxy boyfreind everytime toff isn't around. we're sweet and all (seeing it from where i stand), but when toff's in the picture, i become part of the background. it's actually sad, lame and stupid of me to agree to such a setting, but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it...
i think constant exchange of emails with her isn't healthy also. there was a time when she sent an email just to let out some steam over a bullshit client. geez, i'm THAT close to her already? i feel some sort of comfort knowing that she opens up to me, though i'm scared out of my wits, fearing that this closeness will eventually lead to my demise... again. but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it.
maybe because i know where i stand - i'm just her friend... and i've accpeted that to a certain degree. and instead of whinning my ass off over the fact that i can't have her as someone more than a friend, i find a sense of appreciation that our friendship has gone through a very rough and rocky road... and that i'm not the only one who thinks that this friendship is worth keeping. besides, all i really wanted was for her to be happy. with toff, she seems to be such and i guess knowing that is good enough for me to set my feelings aside... hoping that one day i'd be the one making her happy.
last saturday's dinner was rather odd, for me at least. until now i still haven't adjusted to the fact (perhaps) that i'm already in her comfort zone. not that i don't like it, i just feel that i have to be more aware of my actions so as not to overstep some sort of line drawn between us...
perhaps its the fact that i'm already in vacation mode but still have to go to work 'til tomorrow that's causing me to think this way... sheesh... i better get another hobby...
Monday, December 20, 2004
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
its beginning to feel a lot like christmas
yeah. it is...
but its not the same.
christmas used to be one of my fave holidays. now, it somehow lost its magic. --> to me at least.
is this the price for growing up?
had dinner with friends last friday, i was being my annoyingly adorable self --> haha!! adorable?!?! anyways, purpose was to pick names and make wishlists for kris kringle. ofcourse the endless stories came pouring out and we decided to continue it at shang's starbucks. geez, 12mn and still we were talking. got home at 2am. but it was alright. i ahd starbucks, and i got to see my friends. --> you soft little bastard... >_<
last saturday my family and i decided to invade kenny rogers at SM marilao. thanks to my assmuming behavior and lack of understanding for what was talked about. i ended up treating them myself. it was fun though, for quite sometime now. had a few good laughs with my siblings. though we do that very often recently, its just fun to doing it in public places. my little sister told us that the manager was laughing at our antics, and other people eating were looking at us. screw them, heh. never give us a loaded camera especially when my big sister and younger brother are around. we'll take pictures like crazy. hehe. dad called and talked to each one of us, including my mom. i'm happy i made hm laugh. i rarely hear him laugh. anyways, good thing we finished all the food. -->its your money! you should finish it!! harharhar!!
i haven't done any christmas shopping. i know i'm going to run around like hell come next week. but i think its alright. oh, lynette's gonna be home on the 21st. wonder what our encounter would be like. its been over a year since we bumped into each other at friendster, as time passed we talked less and less. i still owe her a sexy, trendy top. ^_^
what will become of my savings?!?!..... *sigh*
but its not the same.
christmas used to be one of my fave holidays. now, it somehow lost its magic. --> to me at least.
is this the price for growing up?
had dinner with friends last friday, i was being my annoyingly adorable self --> haha!! adorable?!?! anyways, purpose was to pick names and make wishlists for kris kringle. ofcourse the endless stories came pouring out and we decided to continue it at shang's starbucks. geez, 12mn and still we were talking. got home at 2am. but it was alright. i ahd starbucks, and i got to see my friends. --> you soft little bastard... >_<
last saturday my family and i decided to invade kenny rogers at SM marilao. thanks to my assmuming behavior and lack of understanding for what was talked about. i ended up treating them myself. it was fun though, for quite sometime now. had a few good laughs with my siblings. though we do that very often recently, its just fun to doing it in public places. my little sister told us that the manager was laughing at our antics, and other people eating were looking at us. screw them, heh. never give us a loaded camera especially when my big sister and younger brother are around. we'll take pictures like crazy. hehe. dad called and talked to each one of us, including my mom. i'm happy i made hm laugh. i rarely hear him laugh. anyways, good thing we finished all the food. -->its your money! you should finish it!! harharhar!!
i haven't done any christmas shopping. i know i'm going to run around like hell come next week. but i think its alright. oh, lynette's gonna be home on the 21st. wonder what our encounter would be like. its been over a year since we bumped into each other at friendster, as time passed we talked less and less. i still owe her a sexy, trendy top. ^_^
what will become of my savings?!?!..... *sigh*
Thursday, December 09, 2004
bored
there. the word says it al...
its the fourth day of the week and i haven't heard from my bosses yet. people would think i'm some sort of workaholic - wanting something to do. being stuck in a room with only a laptop, an aircon, a radio, and an IP phone can really mess up your head. i'm glad i still have my sanity intact --> or at least i think.
nothing to write actually. i don't want to get myself started with the whole "aki's gone" mood. please, i'd be better off bored than sad.
feh.
i just had to say that. excuse me while i repeat it...
feh.
there, a bit better. but still bored.
ah, i know what to talk about now.
i've recently grown a certain amount of interest in drawing. i had this gang member way back in HS --> our gang was called MIB. what it means? beats me... who's currently making a game, and a very impressive one at that.
i'm not really a fan of RPGs but i might give it a try once he's done with it. he only has demo versions of the game, i might be left hanging playing an incomplete game. but enough about the game, i was more interested in the graphics he put into it. you see, we both share a common interest in drawing. maybe that's why we became good friends. anyways, the graphics are awesome. i felt inspiration and envy for him. he gets to do the stuff he WANTS to do. i, on the other hand, though quite enjoying what i do --> except for some ocassions when i'm considered a working bum... this wasn't really what i had in mind...
okay, okay i know its a bit, no, a lot too late for having regrets. i don't have any, really. but when i was young there are only three things i want to do in life: (1) make a full lenght animation series, (2) make a game similar to streetfighter and (3) make a virus that's relatively destructive but curable --> by me, ofcourse *evil grin*.
i don't know where i got the ideas, but up until now i want to do them.
what does it have to do with my recent interest in harnessing my art skills? --> if i have any. i don't know. --> i told you being stuck in a room all day without anything to do can mess things up in your head. i've been wanting to draw characters of my own. i'm able to do that, but they lack a lot of things. detail, personality, sometimes proportions, expressions and a lot more. i want to perfect them and show them to my friend. i feel a bit of a competition when it comes to things like this. now don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind who will do anything JUST to win. that's what i love in my HS batch. we all compete against each other in terms of acads, but we remain good friends and the competition brings positive results in all of us. to me, viewing this situation as a competition helps me have some sort of determination to become better --> something my ex took away from me... leche.
and so as soon as i get home and eat dinner, i'm off to bed not to sleep, but to draw. yes, i don't draw on a drawing board with a chair and all that. i draw in bed. trying to remember the things i see here in cyberspace and apply them in my artwork. sometimes i stay up until midnight just to finish a certain sketch, but it's all good. i take a good 2 hours staring at the finished product, trying to look for something wrong and revise/refine it to my liking. i even sleep with my sketchpad --> now that's crazy.
ok, enough babbling. i think this entry is long enough...
better find something else to do...
can i say that line again?
feh.
there. -_-
its the fourth day of the week and i haven't heard from my bosses yet. people would think i'm some sort of workaholic - wanting something to do. being stuck in a room with only a laptop, an aircon, a radio, and an IP phone can really mess up your head. i'm glad i still have my sanity intact --> or at least i think.
nothing to write actually. i don't want to get myself started with the whole "aki's gone" mood. please, i'd be better off bored than sad.
feh.
i just had to say that. excuse me while i repeat it...
feh.
there, a bit better. but still bored.
ah, i know what to talk about now.
i've recently grown a certain amount of interest in drawing. i had this gang member way back in HS --> our gang was called MIB. what it means? beats me... who's currently making a game, and a very impressive one at that.
i'm not really a fan of RPGs but i might give it a try once he's done with it. he only has demo versions of the game, i might be left hanging playing an incomplete game. but enough about the game, i was more interested in the graphics he put into it. you see, we both share a common interest in drawing. maybe that's why we became good friends. anyways, the graphics are awesome. i felt inspiration and envy for him. he gets to do the stuff he WANTS to do. i, on the other hand, though quite enjoying what i do --> except for some ocassions when i'm considered a working bum... this wasn't really what i had in mind...
okay, okay i know its a bit, no, a lot too late for having regrets. i don't have any, really. but when i was young there are only three things i want to do in life: (1) make a full lenght animation series, (2) make a game similar to streetfighter and (3) make a virus that's relatively destructive but curable --> by me, ofcourse *evil grin*.
i don't know where i got the ideas, but up until now i want to do them.
what does it have to do with my recent interest in harnessing my art skills? --> if i have any. i don't know. --> i told you being stuck in a room all day without anything to do can mess things up in your head. i've been wanting to draw characters of my own. i'm able to do that, but they lack a lot of things. detail, personality, sometimes proportions, expressions and a lot more. i want to perfect them and show them to my friend. i feel a bit of a competition when it comes to things like this. now don't get me wrong, i'm not the kind who will do anything JUST to win. that's what i love in my HS batch. we all compete against each other in terms of acads, but we remain good friends and the competition brings positive results in all of us. to me, viewing this situation as a competition helps me have some sort of determination to become better --> something my ex took away from me... leche.
and so as soon as i get home and eat dinner, i'm off to bed not to sleep, but to draw. yes, i don't draw on a drawing board with a chair and all that. i draw in bed. trying to remember the things i see here in cyberspace and apply them in my artwork. sometimes i stay up until midnight just to finish a certain sketch, but it's all good. i take a good 2 hours staring at the finished product, trying to look for something wrong and revise/refine it to my liking. i even sleep with my sketchpad --> now that's crazy.
ok, enough babbling. i think this entry is long enough...
better find something else to do...
can i say that line again?
feh.
there. -_-
Thursday, November 25, 2004
could this week be any worse?
monday was a drag, having known aki is going to leave the next day.
teusday was a drag, having that fact sinking in slowly.
wednesday was drag, with a very annoying secretary bitchin' around.
and now i've waited an hour just to get a decent ride to work. i really don't get it, it's supposed to be a transport strike, yet traffic is hell as usual.
could this week get any worse? --> i need beer...someone get me a beer....
teusday was a drag, having that fact sinking in slowly.
wednesday was drag, with a very annoying secretary bitchin' around.
and now i've waited an hour just to get a decent ride to work. i really don't get it, it's supposed to be a transport strike, yet traffic is hell as usual.
could this week get any worse? --> i need beer...someone get me a beer....
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
letter for aki
by the time you read this you're probably unpacked and getting yourself familiar with your new environment... without us.
did you know i barely slept last night? that at this very moment i'm still shaking down to my knees. i never thought you had that much impact on me... to think our friendship never went through any rough road...
still i'm speechless. this was all your fault. i wanted to say something that would make you stay, but that would be unfair. besides, its not like anything i say would make a difference. for all i know it wasn't your choice. so i kept quiet, still thinking of something to say.
and since you've rendered me speechless and shaking, despite all the false alarms and postponed dates - making it somewhat anti-climactic, i have no other choice but to put my thoughts into writing. thoughts that seem larger than life that i should reduce to a bunch of words and punctuations.
now comes the things i wanted to say but couldn't.
first up: the thank you's.
thank you for the memories. our first conversation. bonding moments. every moment i spent with you will always be with me.
i wanted to ask you if it was true that when you were applying for statsoc, you wanted me as your buddy but you didn't pick me because jolee told you that i was busy with my acads? i remember jolee telling me that. true or not, i was flattered. thank you for that.
when you listen to my stories, may it be boring, annoying, annoyinggly boring, boringly annoying or whatever. thank you for listening to me. i really need someone who will.
thank you for trusting me.
thank you for believing in me.
thank you for the fun times.
thank you for the understanding and for putting up with me. i know i'm a twistedly difficult, sad person with a lot of issues. still you guys took me in. thank you for that.
second: the "i'm sorry's".
i'm sorry for being selfish. i know i should accpet this, as i have no other option. i just wished that i could have done something to make you stay. even if you tell me that you're still my friend, its different and difficult when you're not here. maybe i'll get used to it, but that's something i don't want to happen. you're someone important to me, and i don't want the fact that not having another important person in my life around is just normal. i already have that with my father, and i hate the feeling that i'm used to him not being around. i don't want that to happen to you too...
i'm sorry for being so difficult. i know i'm a stubborn ass. i won't argue with that. i just don't like the idea of losing you without a fight of some sort. i feel so helpless over the fact that you had to leave. i really don't have a lot of friends, good friends. losing one of them would just be painful. so forgive me if i'll think that you're just going on a long vacation. i know its a lie, but its a bit bearable than the truth.
i want to be happy for you. no, i am happy for you. you're going on a new adventure. i'm just sad that i wouldn't be with you in your adventures... and the only constant comfort i can take is the hope of seeing you here, in cyberspace. i really am not doing good today... and i thought it was anti-climactic. that if you were gone all the tension and paranoia and sadness would go away, but it doesn't.
take care of yourself. you know how to reach me. i'm still here, that's a friend's promise. i love you, remember that...
P.S. you might want to read this too...
did you know i barely slept last night? that at this very moment i'm still shaking down to my knees. i never thought you had that much impact on me... to think our friendship never went through any rough road...
still i'm speechless. this was all your fault. i wanted to say something that would make you stay, but that would be unfair. besides, its not like anything i say would make a difference. for all i know it wasn't your choice. so i kept quiet, still thinking of something to say.
and since you've rendered me speechless and shaking, despite all the false alarms and postponed dates - making it somewhat anti-climactic, i have no other choice but to put my thoughts into writing. thoughts that seem larger than life that i should reduce to a bunch of words and punctuations.
now comes the things i wanted to say but couldn't.
first up: the thank you's.
thank you for the memories. our first conversation. bonding moments. every moment i spent with you will always be with me.
i wanted to ask you if it was true that when you were applying for statsoc, you wanted me as your buddy but you didn't pick me because jolee told you that i was busy with my acads? i remember jolee telling me that. true or not, i was flattered. thank you for that.
when you listen to my stories, may it be boring, annoying, annoyinggly boring, boringly annoying or whatever. thank you for listening to me. i really need someone who will.
thank you for trusting me.
thank you for believing in me.
thank you for the fun times.
thank you for the understanding and for putting up with me. i know i'm a twistedly difficult, sad person with a lot of issues. still you guys took me in. thank you for that.
second: the "i'm sorry's".
i'm sorry for being selfish. i know i should accpet this, as i have no other option. i just wished that i could have done something to make you stay. even if you tell me that you're still my friend, its different and difficult when you're not here. maybe i'll get used to it, but that's something i don't want to happen. you're someone important to me, and i don't want the fact that not having another important person in my life around is just normal. i already have that with my father, and i hate the feeling that i'm used to him not being around. i don't want that to happen to you too...
i'm sorry for being so difficult. i know i'm a stubborn ass. i won't argue with that. i just don't like the idea of losing you without a fight of some sort. i feel so helpless over the fact that you had to leave. i really don't have a lot of friends, good friends. losing one of them would just be painful. so forgive me if i'll think that you're just going on a long vacation. i know its a lie, but its a bit bearable than the truth.
i want to be happy for you. no, i am happy for you. you're going on a new adventure. i'm just sad that i wouldn't be with you in your adventures... and the only constant comfort i can take is the hope of seeing you here, in cyberspace. i really am not doing good today... and i thought it was anti-climactic. that if you were gone all the tension and paranoia and sadness would go away, but it doesn't.
take care of yourself. you know how to reach me. i'm still here, that's a friend's promise. i love you, remember that...
P.S. you might want to read this too...
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
a break from writing
i think i'm going to spend my time and energy on drawing for a while. so my writing would have to take a break. once i've figured out how to post pictures here, i'm going to post my works. =) release date of the first issue will be on december (mid or end). that's a promise...
Monday, November 08, 2004
review of the weekend
bastard ISP is slower than a half-dead slug...
this short-term memory loss is becoming more and more frequent...
SATURDAY
all i can remember last sautrday was the smell of rain on early morning as i sip my black coffee while staring at the computer screen. --> as if i haven't had enough staring for a whole freakin' week. something's terribly wrong with me. either that or i've turned into some kind of computer zombie. besides the frequent meetings with my bed, i sat down, turned on my pc, and played with photoshop. coloring my drawings seemed a little bit easier than before. still i can't draw just characters to make a comic strip.
i don't know where my depression had ran off to, but i couldn't create a new character yesterday. i just laid in my bed for hours waiting for a little dust of inspiration to hit me, but i got nothing. oh well, my mind wasn't still despite the lack of depression outpour.
what went through my head were storylines. --> idiot. you didn't write them down!!!
oh yeah, and i wathced "the grudge 2". wasn't that all scary, i ended up analyzing the movie and pointed out some flaws. --> you scardey cat!! you couldn't turn the lights off that evening!! harharhar!!
SUNDAY
let's see... mass was always there. then brunch at mcdonald's. then back in front of the screen. --> please someone tell me to get a life. my siblings went out, i stayed. i'm trying hard not to spend too much... i have a pension to pay, gifts to buy, godsons to hide from, and other expenses to endure. i wish my wallet wouldn't be sucked dry after christmas. that would be a little worse than a death sentence...
sleep. sleep. sleep. productive, ain't it?
i need some peace of mind. can anyone tell me where i can get one?
********************************************************************************************************
this song is stuck in my head. the title befits my mood. --> hehe.
Must Get Out
Maroon 5
I've been the needle and the thread
Weaving figure eights and circles round your head
I try to laugh but cry instead
Patiently wait to hear the words you've never said
Fumbling through your dresser door forgot what I was looking for
Try to guide me in the right direction
Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry
I'm lifting you up
I'm letting you down
I'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
I'm not giving up
I'm making your love
This city's made us crazy and we must get out
This not goodbye she said
It is just time for me to rest my head
She does not walk she runs instead
Down these jagged streets and into my bed
Fumbling through your dresser door forgot what I was looking for
Try to guide me in the right direction
Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry
I'm lifting you up
I'm letting you down
I'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
I'm not giving up
I'm making your love
This city's made us crazy and we must get out
There's only so much I can do for you
After all of the things you put me through
this short-term memory loss is becoming more and more frequent...
SATURDAY
all i can remember last sautrday was the smell of rain on early morning as i sip my black coffee while staring at the computer screen. --> as if i haven't had enough staring for a whole freakin' week. something's terribly wrong with me. either that or i've turned into some kind of computer zombie. besides the frequent meetings with my bed, i sat down, turned on my pc, and played with photoshop. coloring my drawings seemed a little bit easier than before. still i can't draw just characters to make a comic strip.
i don't know where my depression had ran off to, but i couldn't create a new character yesterday. i just laid in my bed for hours waiting for a little dust of inspiration to hit me, but i got nothing. oh well, my mind wasn't still despite the lack of depression outpour.
what went through my head were storylines. --> idiot. you didn't write them down!!!
oh yeah, and i wathced "the grudge 2". wasn't that all scary, i ended up analyzing the movie and pointed out some flaws. --> you scardey cat!! you couldn't turn the lights off that evening!! harharhar!!
SUNDAY
let's see... mass was always there. then brunch at mcdonald's. then back in front of the screen. --> please someone tell me to get a life. my siblings went out, i stayed. i'm trying hard not to spend too much... i have a pension to pay, gifts to buy, godsons to hide from, and other expenses to endure. i wish my wallet wouldn't be sucked dry after christmas. that would be a little worse than a death sentence...
sleep. sleep. sleep. productive, ain't it?
i need some peace of mind. can anyone tell me where i can get one?
********************************************************************************************************
this song is stuck in my head. the title befits my mood. --> hehe.
Must Get Out
Maroon 5
I've been the needle and the thread
Weaving figure eights and circles round your head
I try to laugh but cry instead
Patiently wait to hear the words you've never said
Fumbling through your dresser door forgot what I was looking for
Try to guide me in the right direction
Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry
I'm lifting you up
I'm letting you down
I'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
I'm not giving up
I'm making your love
This city's made us crazy and we must get out
This not goodbye she said
It is just time for me to rest my head
She does not walk she runs instead
Down these jagged streets and into my bed
Fumbling through your dresser door forgot what I was looking for
Try to guide me in the right direction
Making use of all this time
Keeping everything inside
Close my eyes and listen to you cry
I'm lifting you up
I'm letting you down
I'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
I'm not giving up
I'm making your love
This city's made us crazy and we must get out
There's only so much I can do for you
After all of the things you put me through
Friday, November 05, 2004
what? it's friday already?
this is unusual... the week just passed without me noticing it. the ironic part of it is that i barely did any work. i might have spent a lot of time daydreaming. *sigh*
and like last week, this one wasn't great either.
i have little to no accomplishments for the week.
i skipped lunch twice for no apparent reason.
i've forgotten where i left my social life.
*sigh*
random thought: why am i miserable? yun lang.
cham's last email painted a smile on my face i can't wipe off. she shared this story about her articles being published in a media thingy (as she put it...) and will be available for download. she asked me for some support, and being the annoying firend that i was i argued my way to not support her. the articles she submitted were the same articles posted on peyups.com - all of which i've already read. i asked her two things:
(1)why should i download something i've already read?
(2)why should i download something that's available on peyups?
her answers were amusing:
(1)coz you love the articles.
(2)coz you love the author.
that caught me by surprise. it was like that time when we had a conversation where she said, "away mo na sakin?" --> hahaha!! though i know it was said in a comic manner, i still find it crazy to say such to someone who actually fell for her. --> don't get me wrong. i did say i have a smile on my face i couldn't wipe off. the thought of her knowing how i feel and not feel awkward is just reassuring. i'm glad we could joke around like that. that topped the list of crazy arguments we had. and i'm glad that somehow she enjoys talking to me. i'm glad that i can take her off a stressful day even for just fifteen minutes. i'm glad at where we're at right now. i'll let that other thought go for now, just for today.
what to do? what to do?
my question for the week. i can barely feel work right now - i don't think its a good sign.
the work i've done was my homework - getting percentages of equity no shows for all highschool types and give it to my boss, edit a powerpoint presentation for my other boss and send it to her, and... and... that's it.
this job is starting to bore me. i'm not learning anything new. all i do is surf the net to look for something to read. --> like that's productive.
i'm back to constantly losing a thought to write about.
damn, i miss everyone.
and like last week, this one wasn't great either.
i have little to no accomplishments for the week.
i skipped lunch twice for no apparent reason.
i've forgotten where i left my social life.
*sigh*
random thought: why am i miserable? yun lang.
cham's last email painted a smile on my face i can't wipe off. she shared this story about her articles being published in a media thingy (as she put it...) and will be available for download. she asked me for some support, and being the annoying firend that i was i argued my way to not support her. the articles she submitted were the same articles posted on peyups.com - all of which i've already read. i asked her two things:
(1)why should i download something i've already read?
(2)why should i download something that's available on peyups?
her answers were amusing:
(1)coz you love the articles.
(2)coz you love the author.
that caught me by surprise. it was like that time when we had a conversation where she said, "away mo na sakin?" --> hahaha!! though i know it was said in a comic manner, i still find it crazy to say such to someone who actually fell for her. --> don't get me wrong. i did say i have a smile on my face i couldn't wipe off. the thought of her knowing how i feel and not feel awkward is just reassuring. i'm glad we could joke around like that. that topped the list of crazy arguments we had. and i'm glad that somehow she enjoys talking to me. i'm glad that i can take her off a stressful day even for just fifteen minutes. i'm glad at where we're at right now. i'll let that other thought go for now, just for today.
what to do? what to do?
my question for the week. i can barely feel work right now - i don't think its a good sign.
the work i've done was my homework - getting percentages of equity no shows for all highschool types and give it to my boss, edit a powerpoint presentation for my other boss and send it to her, and... and... that's it.
this job is starting to bore me. i'm not learning anything new. all i do is surf the net to look for something to read. --> like that's productive.
i'm back to constantly losing a thought to write about.
damn, i miss everyone.
Thursday, November 04, 2004
ganyan talaga...
i hate that phrase...
i've lost count of the things in this world that i had to accept because that's just the way they are. frankly, i'm tired accepting things without valid reason. --> or without any other reason besides the title.
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i had to accept the fact that my father couldn't be with us because he had to work abroad to support our family, even if it means missing out on the important moments in our lives. i remember having my first and only fight with him over religion. an icon of the cross is brought home every 2nd of october and is left home for a day. seeing it gives me the chills. yes, i am catholic but i do not follow certain traditions of the roman catholic religion i.e. communion, rosary, icons, having high regard for priests, nuns, decons, bishops, etc. my father grew in a catholic family, and was enraged by my reaction towards bring the icon home. i never complained about it before. he then lectures me on what to believe and what not to believe - while being mad at my self-constructed set of beliefs. it was the first time i cried because i was arguing with my parents. i often cry over sibling fights, but that one was different. i blurted out things i've been keeping inside.
was i supposed to wait for my father to come home to teach me about life, faith, religion, love and the like? was i supposed to put my life on hold? don't get me wrong. i love my father. i'm very thankful for him. i appreciate the sacrifice he had to take for us, but i was growing up. i needed answers to my questions. i needed to satisfy my curiosity. i needed to build my set of values. i needed to live. if he wasn't working abroad, i think we wouldn't have had that argument in the first place. but then again, i had to accept the fact that he HAS to work far from us. i hope he could accept the fact that i HAD to live my life, even if he wasn't around.
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i had to accept rejection. call me crazy, but i think i found love as early as 2nd grade. i remember uttering words like "swimming any sea" or "climbing any mountain" for her. cheesy, i know. but when she found out, i became a total stanger for two years. at an age like that i've experienced rejection and pain. i was helpless against the circumstances. i had to live my two years thinking i made a big mistake.
now that i'm 22, thinking of it makes me laugh sometimes. its useless to pose an argument over something that's long over and done, but to punish me for two years? at 2nd grade? don't blame me if i happen to turn out cold and bitter sometime in the near future. no one actually explained to me why i had to endure such punsihment. maybe that's why i'm having problems with getting a relationship. my heart got broken at an early age, and it never stopped there. it got broken over and over, until today. i have this flicker of hope that my wounds will heal, but a large part of me feels pain that is beyond healing. then again, that's the way love goes, as a song might say and i have to accept that.
***************************************************************************************************
i had to accept that friends come and go. that i can't hold them close to me 'coz they have a life of their own, and doing so is selfish. i think i've mentioned this somewhere in my previous entries that, "the value of something/someone will be revealed to you when it is gone." i thought that if i know the value of things and peolpe around me, they wouldn't go. i guess i was wrong. i somehow believe marianne's comment of me about having some sort of "twisted logic".
i have no counter argument on this one. it just sucks to know that some friends wouldn't (or couldn't) stay for whatever reason, and there's nothing else you can do about it than to, ofcourse, accept.
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i have to accept that people aren't like me. they don't have the same standards as mine. they don't have the same set of values as mine. applying my standards on them would be unfair. i can't force them into wanting what i want.
let's take an example: promises.
i do everything in my power to keep my promise. if i can't do it, i won't promise it. but some people promise things that will eventually fade into thin air. i grow annoyed with this behavior. i always tell people, "don't make promises you can't keep...", a line i remembered from home alone2
then again, i cannot pass judgement on people just because we have our differences. funny as it is, i found a line in an anime series that struck me. it was rorouni kenshin - a conversation between kenshin and shishio during the end battle. shishio told kenshin, "don't judge me by your standards, kenshin. you don't know me at all..." i a way, he was right. one should pass judgement based on a certain set of values. heck one shouldn't pass judgement period. i just hate it when people don't understand me, that's all.
***************************************************************************************************
ok this is enough. there a lot of other things i had to accept, but i guess it's not worth writing. besides, they all would get the same response, "ganyan talaga..."
i've lost count of the things in this world that i had to accept because that's just the way they are. frankly, i'm tired accepting things without valid reason. --> or without any other reason besides the title.
***************************************************************************************************
i had to accept the fact that my father couldn't be with us because he had to work abroad to support our family, even if it means missing out on the important moments in our lives. i remember having my first and only fight with him over religion. an icon of the cross is brought home every 2nd of october and is left home for a day. seeing it gives me the chills. yes, i am catholic but i do not follow certain traditions of the roman catholic religion i.e. communion, rosary, icons, having high regard for priests, nuns, decons, bishops, etc. my father grew in a catholic family, and was enraged by my reaction towards bring the icon home. i never complained about it before. he then lectures me on what to believe and what not to believe - while being mad at my self-constructed set of beliefs. it was the first time i cried because i was arguing with my parents. i often cry over sibling fights, but that one was different. i blurted out things i've been keeping inside.
was i supposed to wait for my father to come home to teach me about life, faith, religion, love and the like? was i supposed to put my life on hold? don't get me wrong. i love my father. i'm very thankful for him. i appreciate the sacrifice he had to take for us, but i was growing up. i needed answers to my questions. i needed to satisfy my curiosity. i needed to build my set of values. i needed to live. if he wasn't working abroad, i think we wouldn't have had that argument in the first place. but then again, i had to accept the fact that he HAS to work far from us. i hope he could accept the fact that i HAD to live my life, even if he wasn't around.
***************************************************************************************************
i had to accept rejection. call me crazy, but i think i found love as early as 2nd grade. i remember uttering words like "swimming any sea" or "climbing any mountain" for her. cheesy, i know. but when she found out, i became a total stanger for two years. at an age like that i've experienced rejection and pain. i was helpless against the circumstances. i had to live my two years thinking i made a big mistake.
now that i'm 22, thinking of it makes me laugh sometimes. its useless to pose an argument over something that's long over and done, but to punish me for two years? at 2nd grade? don't blame me if i happen to turn out cold and bitter sometime in the near future. no one actually explained to me why i had to endure such punsihment. maybe that's why i'm having problems with getting a relationship. my heart got broken at an early age, and it never stopped there. it got broken over and over, until today. i have this flicker of hope that my wounds will heal, but a large part of me feels pain that is beyond healing. then again, that's the way love goes, as a song might say and i have to accept that.
***************************************************************************************************
i had to accept that friends come and go. that i can't hold them close to me 'coz they have a life of their own, and doing so is selfish. i think i've mentioned this somewhere in my previous entries that, "the value of something/someone will be revealed to you when it is gone." i thought that if i know the value of things and peolpe around me, they wouldn't go. i guess i was wrong. i somehow believe marianne's comment of me about having some sort of "twisted logic".
i have no counter argument on this one. it just sucks to know that some friends wouldn't (or couldn't) stay for whatever reason, and there's nothing else you can do about it than to, ofcourse, accept.
***************************************************************************************************
i have to accept that people aren't like me. they don't have the same standards as mine. they don't have the same set of values as mine. applying my standards on them would be unfair. i can't force them into wanting what i want.
let's take an example: promises.
i do everything in my power to keep my promise. if i can't do it, i won't promise it. but some people promise things that will eventually fade into thin air. i grow annoyed with this behavior. i always tell people, "don't make promises you can't keep...", a line i remembered from home alone2
then again, i cannot pass judgement on people just because we have our differences. funny as it is, i found a line in an anime series that struck me. it was rorouni kenshin - a conversation between kenshin and shishio during the end battle. shishio told kenshin, "don't judge me by your standards, kenshin. you don't know me at all..." i a way, he was right. one should pass judgement based on a certain set of values. heck one shouldn't pass judgement period. i just hate it when people don't understand me, that's all.
***************************************************************************************************
ok this is enough. there a lot of other things i had to accept, but i guess it's not worth writing. besides, they all would get the same response, "ganyan talaga..."
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
a long weekend over
the long weekend's over. well, at least in terms of having to travel a long way just to face a computer screen...
i can't say the weekend boosted me up. heck, the only perk i had during those four days was that i could take naps. --> i really miss my bed, even if i sleep a full eight hours. got to think about the storyline for my project a little, go out with my siblings, watch a movie, sleep, sleep, and sleep. i had a "homework" i planned to do during the weekend, but i didn't even open the damn file. --> it's alright, i've finished it yesterday. it was eventually deemed "useless". oh well... *sigh*
i also took a leave from cyber space, i think for a couple of days. yesterday's absence was unintentional. didn't have access the whole day --> good thing i'm still alive. i wonder how i'll survive when i get a job that has no internet access. *shaking*
not in the mood to write either. i've spent a whole lot of energy and poured a large amount of depressed feelings on my sketch pad. --> oh yeah. i also got to make chibi versions of my main characters. it's in my wallpaper. i plan to work on the sub characters next.
topic for today: Love and HONESTY
and not that "honesty is the best policy" crap most people teach their children. --> no offense, it's a good saying. i just hate cliches.
it's being honest with one's self.
yeah, yeah it's a cheesy topic. but that's the best i can do for now. you don't like it, don't read it.
anyway, issue here is staying true to one's self as opposed to pretending. --> now don't give me that "it depends" kind of answer. that's bullshit. though i know my belief in the absolute meanings of words has its flaw, you still have to give your best to convince me that such an answer as "it depends" is valid.
i'm actually dumbass when it comes to hiding my feelings. one would almost automatically notice when i'm in a bad mood, excited, sad, problematic and the like. the most dangerous part of this behavior is that i say what i feel.
my argument: never let an oppurtunity pass you by without telling someone what you feel, 'coz it you may not have another chance to do so. --> cheesy, i know. ideally romantic, looking at it in a certain aspect, probably yes. but sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. --> do not ask me how much is "too much". that's not the point. as in this case, where one should say how he or she feels, it could potentially ruin a certain relationship. i've experienced this result over and over. i was lucky to have saved some friendships nearly destroyed because of that so-called honesty. i'm also unfortunate that i've lost friends because of it. either way, it's not a good feeling putting your relationship with someone on a highwire.
recently i learned how to hide what i feel. it seems to be working, though it still needs some honing. it brings me a good 15 minutes of peace and quiet, plus i get to avoid conflicts and unnecessary arguments with people. in matters of the heart, being too honest makes the mystery disappear. not to mention the unwanted attention by nosy people who would eventually make a big deal out of it until it grows beyond your control, resulting in a whole different story that causes misunderstanding between parties involved.
one can be honest with his or her feelings without having to say it out loud, right? but the thing is, while you keep quiet and keep your feelings to yourself, you start to feel this growing pain in your chest - the one that doesn't bleed and causes difficulty in breathing, sleepless nights, loss of focus, and frequent headaches. --> i can only speak for myself, but if there are others who feel this, welcome to the club. *shakes hand* keeping feelings inside would cause one to explode, blurting out things the wrong way or doing something that is completely incomprehensible. another effect of keeping feelings to one's self is pseudo-halluciantion - where you picture yourself with that someone, saying the things you want to say that seem so grand and larger-than-life, doing things together as if the world is your personal playground. that, somehow, detaches you from what is real. that can be bad sometimes. i am suffering from it as of this writing, but i tend to get a little help from a friend called "space". --> that's another story altogether.
personal take on things: i'd go for the latter. call me a wuss. i really don't care. it's a lot easier to avoid conflict than busting your balls to find a resolution. besides, the one i get into conflict with takes the easy way out - not saying anything. my heart's grown tired of being hurt, of waiting, of trusting, of believing, of wanting to be loved in return. someday, i may have to tell that someone everything i've been wanting to say. someday, i may have to reduce my grand and larger-than-life thoughts into inferiorly descriptive words - but when that time comes, hiding what i feel inside would just have to do.
message to God: i don't know if you read internet journals, but i pray that this week be not filled with sad thoughts such as this. one bad week would be enough. thank you.
oh yeah, i'm back... *smiles*
i can't say the weekend boosted me up. heck, the only perk i had during those four days was that i could take naps. --> i really miss my bed, even if i sleep a full eight hours. got to think about the storyline for my project a little, go out with my siblings, watch a movie, sleep, sleep, and sleep. i had a "homework" i planned to do during the weekend, but i didn't even open the damn file. --> it's alright, i've finished it yesterday. it was eventually deemed "useless". oh well... *sigh*
i also took a leave from cyber space, i think for a couple of days. yesterday's absence was unintentional. didn't have access the whole day --> good thing i'm still alive. i wonder how i'll survive when i get a job that has no internet access. *shaking*
not in the mood to write either. i've spent a whole lot of energy and poured a large amount of depressed feelings on my sketch pad. --> oh yeah. i also got to make chibi versions of my main characters. it's in my wallpaper. i plan to work on the sub characters next.
topic for today: Love and HONESTY
and not that "honesty is the best policy" crap most people teach their children. --> no offense, it's a good saying. i just hate cliches.
it's being honest with one's self.
yeah, yeah it's a cheesy topic. but that's the best i can do for now. you don't like it, don't read it.
anyway, issue here is staying true to one's self as opposed to pretending. --> now don't give me that "it depends" kind of answer. that's bullshit. though i know my belief in the absolute meanings of words has its flaw, you still have to give your best to convince me that such an answer as "it depends" is valid.
i'm actually dumbass when it comes to hiding my feelings. one would almost automatically notice when i'm in a bad mood, excited, sad, problematic and the like. the most dangerous part of this behavior is that i say what i feel.
my argument: never let an oppurtunity pass you by without telling someone what you feel, 'coz it you may not have another chance to do so. --> cheesy, i know. ideally romantic, looking at it in a certain aspect, probably yes. but sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. --> do not ask me how much is "too much". that's not the point. as in this case, where one should say how he or she feels, it could potentially ruin a certain relationship. i've experienced this result over and over. i was lucky to have saved some friendships nearly destroyed because of that so-called honesty. i'm also unfortunate that i've lost friends because of it. either way, it's not a good feeling putting your relationship with someone on a highwire.
recently i learned how to hide what i feel. it seems to be working, though it still needs some honing. it brings me a good 15 minutes of peace and quiet, plus i get to avoid conflicts and unnecessary arguments with people. in matters of the heart, being too honest makes the mystery disappear. not to mention the unwanted attention by nosy people who would eventually make a big deal out of it until it grows beyond your control, resulting in a whole different story that causes misunderstanding between parties involved.
one can be honest with his or her feelings without having to say it out loud, right? but the thing is, while you keep quiet and keep your feelings to yourself, you start to feel this growing pain in your chest - the one that doesn't bleed and causes difficulty in breathing, sleepless nights, loss of focus, and frequent headaches. --> i can only speak for myself, but if there are others who feel this, welcome to the club. *shakes hand* keeping feelings inside would cause one to explode, blurting out things the wrong way or doing something that is completely incomprehensible. another effect of keeping feelings to one's self is pseudo-halluciantion - where you picture yourself with that someone, saying the things you want to say that seem so grand and larger-than-life, doing things together as if the world is your personal playground. that, somehow, detaches you from what is real. that can be bad sometimes. i am suffering from it as of this writing, but i tend to get a little help from a friend called "space". --> that's another story altogether.
personal take on things: i'd go for the latter. call me a wuss. i really don't care. it's a lot easier to avoid conflict than busting your balls to find a resolution. besides, the one i get into conflict with takes the easy way out - not saying anything. my heart's grown tired of being hurt, of waiting, of trusting, of believing, of wanting to be loved in return. someday, i may have to tell that someone everything i've been wanting to say. someday, i may have to reduce my grand and larger-than-life thoughts into inferiorly descriptive words - but when that time comes, hiding what i feel inside would just have to do.
message to God: i don't know if you read internet journals, but i pray that this week be not filled with sad thoughts such as this. one bad week would be enough. thank you.
oh yeah, i'm back... *smiles*
Saturday, October 30, 2004
conclusion of a bad week
bought myself a new shirt. Its print says, “lost soul” – it couldn’t have been more descriptive of me. *haha*
never really thought of myself as a “lost soul” until some few years ago. when I was young, I had my life going for me. I’ve always pursued excellence in everything I do. I had dreams. I had plans for myself. I knew what I wanted in life.
now, I don’t know what to do with my life – how pathetic…
let’s not discuss the reason for such. I’m not very sure of the reasons myself.
screw the quarter-life crisis argument. Its not like I’m going to reach 88. heck, I don’t know if I’ll even reach 60. though most people say it’s a normal phenomenon at this stage in one's life, it doesn’t give one an excuse to whine and slack around – something I’m quite guilty of doing. *bangs head on wall*
no excuses. I AM lost, but that’s not the point. The more important thing is what to do.
sad to say, I still don’t know.
I had a conversation with jv over the net yesterday. He says, and I quote, “my… ermmm… professional opinion is that you go to market research”. Good suggestion. Thanks jv. I’ll start from there.
got a message from leomar just this afternoon telling me that globe telecom has a vacant position and asking me if I was interested. Believe me, I am but my responsibilities in my current work prohibits me from pursuing that interest. Damn.
I remember my conversation with ma’am olive, “though loyalty is nice, it doesn’t make your paycheck bigger…” I don’t know if I should discard that argument despite it merits, or follow it and cause certain parties to have ill feelings towards me --> can anyone convince me that certain arguments aren’t supposed to be applied in all situations? I’ll kiss anyone who can do that. Thank you.
*sigh* ...what am I thinking? I should relax and enjoy a rather long weekend. Instead I rant about having no direction on a friday night. --> if you read this week’s entries, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that this WAS NOT actually a great week. *big frown*
I hope this string of bad days would come to an end.
never really thought of myself as a “lost soul” until some few years ago. when I was young, I had my life going for me. I’ve always pursued excellence in everything I do. I had dreams. I had plans for myself. I knew what I wanted in life.
now, I don’t know what to do with my life – how pathetic…
let’s not discuss the reason for such. I’m not very sure of the reasons myself.
screw the quarter-life crisis argument. Its not like I’m going to reach 88. heck, I don’t know if I’ll even reach 60. though most people say it’s a normal phenomenon at this stage in one's life, it doesn’t give one an excuse to whine and slack around – something I’m quite guilty of doing. *bangs head on wall*
no excuses. I AM lost, but that’s not the point. The more important thing is what to do.
sad to say, I still don’t know.
I had a conversation with jv over the net yesterday. He says, and I quote, “my… ermmm… professional opinion is that you go to market research”. Good suggestion. Thanks jv. I’ll start from there.
got a message from leomar just this afternoon telling me that globe telecom has a vacant position and asking me if I was interested. Believe me, I am but my responsibilities in my current work prohibits me from pursuing that interest. Damn.
I remember my conversation with ma’am olive, “though loyalty is nice, it doesn’t make your paycheck bigger…” I don’t know if I should discard that argument despite it merits, or follow it and cause certain parties to have ill feelings towards me --> can anyone convince me that certain arguments aren’t supposed to be applied in all situations? I’ll kiss anyone who can do that. Thank you.
*sigh* ...what am I thinking? I should relax and enjoy a rather long weekend. Instead I rant about having no direction on a friday night. --> if you read this week’s entries, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that this WAS NOT actually a great week. *big frown*
I hope this string of bad days would come to an end.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
discombobulated
(title inspired by that globe commercial)
hhhhmmm... what to write? what to write?
had a couple of topics in mind yesterday. everything seemed to have vanished when i got that text message from aki last night,
"arn arn, wag ka magagalit ha. wag na siguro tayong lumabas tomorrow or kahit kelan. hayaan mo na yung promise mo. ok lang talaga sakon. we'll see each other pa naman before i go. thanks na lang ha."
where'd that come from? well, it would give me some form of comfort if i knew why,
"wag mo na alamin. basta arn, thanks ha. i really want to spend time with you sana pero things will be better kung hindi na lang. it's no big problem naman. basta ha, thanks talaga. we'll see each other pa, promise."
there goes that form of comfort. i'm sad and disappointed, but what else can i do? it's as if being mad would make things better. might as well just dive into that pool of kindness and courage to say two words: i understand...
hhhhmmm... what to write? what to write?
had a couple of topics in mind yesterday. everything seemed to have vanished when i got that text message from aki last night,
"arn arn, wag ka magagalit ha. wag na siguro tayong lumabas tomorrow or kahit kelan. hayaan mo na yung promise mo. ok lang talaga sakon. we'll see each other pa naman before i go. thanks na lang ha."
where'd that come from? well, it would give me some form of comfort if i knew why,
"wag mo na alamin. basta arn, thanks ha. i really want to spend time with you sana pero things will be better kung hindi na lang. it's no big problem naman. basta ha, thanks talaga. we'll see each other pa, promise."
there goes that form of comfort. i'm sad and disappointed, but what else can i do? it's as if being mad would make things better. might as well just dive into that pool of kindness and courage to say two words: i understand...
"thank you. thank you so much arnel. anyway, thanks uli sa CD, ang gaganda ng songs. goodnight ha. thanks again."
you're welcome... guess wearing that smiling mask has its merits afterall. T_T
i'll leave it at that. i don't want to think of anything else. no more reading between the lines. i'm just sad and disappointed. thought i could share everything that has happened to me - that unfortunate encounter with a bastard ex-con, that other unfortunate encounter with an overly sensitive old hag, how food becomes tasteless during lunch because i eat alone, how being with friends and family make me feel alive. guess i'll have to keep it to myself, again.
oh well, so much for a happy day. but it's still morning, lets see what happens later on in the day. i might just be in the mood for another entry. *hoping*
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
trust issues
trusting people nowadays can be fatal, i should know...
we just found out that my little brother's mobile phone was missing. we've also found out that one of my mom's visitors took it. --> score one for her anito! he got that one right. seems that the bitch was short on cash and had no other choice than take the phone when she had the chance.
how did we know, you ask? aside from that premonition from my mom's anito, she sent a text message to the alleged robber. the bitch, still having her conscience intact, admitted the allegations against her. apparently, she took the phone when my mom invited her over our place to discuss business matters. being the carefree, lazy, and untidy people that we are, we just let things lay around the house --> i.e. cellphones, wallets, even cash. you probably know the rest of the story.
the bitch took the phone to a pawnshop. she promised to bring back the phone as soon as she gets it back from the pawnshop. good for her, otherwise she would end up in jail.
moral of the story: don't let things lay around your house. --> wait, is this really the point? shouldn't you feel secure in your home? *skeptic*
moral of the story: don't buy expensive cellphones, or any other expensive thing so you won't feel bad when it gets stolen. --> good point, but wait. that's not it either!!
moral of the story: choose the people you trust. ---> i think this would be it.
the issue: TRUST
it's just sad when you try to help someone out and get betrayed in return. makes me want to put all people like that in a container and cut some of their body parts into fine pieces then feed them to the rats. i've came to realize that there are things more painful than death. people like that bitch don't deserve the easy way out.
reminds me of my own situation. that bastard hasn't shown up in 3 weeks now. he might still be in jail, or he might be back in nueva viscaya, or he might be somewhere else - thinking he's now wanted for estafa --> just to refresh your memory and make your blood boil, he owes you 11k of your hard-earned money. God knows what he's up to. for all i know he may have already forged my signature and ran away with my money. if that would be the case, i'd have his hands and tongue removed, so he won't be able to decieve anyone else nor hold a dagger or a gun or anything else. losing his hands and tongue would be more painful than dying, in my POV at least.
oh yeah, i just remembered. my boss tells me to do something about my trust issues, otherwise i'm going to have a hard time with relationships and marriage. --> it's not like i'm not having a hard time NOW. fine. point taken. let me just find a way to become attached with my emotions again. in my defense, i don't want to feel vulnerable again. i barely held up the last time i trusted someone and it didn't turn out right. i know, i know it's in the past. i have to forget it. give me some more time. maybe another 4 years. *smirk*
that's enough bad thought for the day. --> man, this isn't helping me become a peaceful creature at all.
i need a happy thought. i need a happy thought.. i need a happy thought... i need a happy thought........
we just found out that my little brother's mobile phone was missing. we've also found out that one of my mom's visitors took it. --> score one for her anito! he got that one right. seems that the bitch was short on cash and had no other choice than take the phone when she had the chance.
how did we know, you ask? aside from that premonition from my mom's anito, she sent a text message to the alleged robber. the bitch, still having her conscience intact, admitted the allegations against her. apparently, she took the phone when my mom invited her over our place to discuss business matters. being the carefree, lazy, and untidy people that we are, we just let things lay around the house --> i.e. cellphones, wallets, even cash. you probably know the rest of the story.
the bitch took the phone to a pawnshop. she promised to bring back the phone as soon as she gets it back from the pawnshop. good for her, otherwise she would end up in jail.
moral of the story: don't let things lay around your house. --> wait, is this really the point? shouldn't you feel secure in your home? *skeptic*
moral of the story: don't buy expensive cellphones, or any other expensive thing so you won't feel bad when it gets stolen. --> good point, but wait. that's not it either!!
moral of the story: choose the people you trust. ---> i think this would be it.
the issue: TRUST
it's just sad when you try to help someone out and get betrayed in return. makes me want to put all people like that in a container and cut some of their body parts into fine pieces then feed them to the rats. i've came to realize that there are things more painful than death. people like that bitch don't deserve the easy way out.
reminds me of my own situation. that bastard hasn't shown up in 3 weeks now. he might still be in jail, or he might be back in nueva viscaya, or he might be somewhere else - thinking he's now wanted for estafa --> just to refresh your memory and make your blood boil, he owes you 11k of your hard-earned money. God knows what he's up to. for all i know he may have already forged my signature and ran away with my money. if that would be the case, i'd have his hands and tongue removed, so he won't be able to decieve anyone else nor hold a dagger or a gun or anything else. losing his hands and tongue would be more painful than dying, in my POV at least.
oh yeah, i just remembered. my boss tells me to do something about my trust issues, otherwise i'm going to have a hard time with relationships and marriage. --> it's not like i'm not having a hard time NOW. fine. point taken. let me just find a way to become attached with my emotions again. in my defense, i don't want to feel vulnerable again. i barely held up the last time i trusted someone and it didn't turn out right. i know, i know it's in the past. i have to forget it. give me some more time. maybe another 4 years. *smirk*
that's enough bad thought for the day. --> man, this isn't helping me become a peaceful creature at all.
i need a happy thought. i need a happy thought.. i need a happy thought... i need a happy thought........
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
on private space
i have to thank the old lady for this entry. may she be successful in making the world a better place by reminding everyone to say "excuse me".
how irritating...
nothing beats excrutiating headaches after a day's work than an old lady invading your private space. just when i was about to call it a day, i called on a jeepney to sm north, sat down, and then this old lady has her face on me and said, "excuse me, ha? ako na ang nag-excuse kasi ayaw mo naman mag-excuse" with her head turning the other way while she whispers, "bastos". and i heard that after i apologized. geez, did i bump her that hard on my way to my seat? or is she just having a bad hair day? or probably menopausal syndrome? or maybe she was a beat up, anti-social woman who rages at the slightest contact with any part of her body? pardon the foul language and disrespect, pero putang ina...
i have always been taught to respect elders, but then i also have this rule that "respect begets respect". in this case, i cannot respect an overly sensitive old hag who, in my point of view, thinks of herself as politeness personified. i hate self-righteous people. if she doesn't want to get bumped around, why doesn't she just buy herself a car? or on a simpler note, why doesn't she just sit properly? --> yes, the old hag sits like a 300-pound woman munching a bag of fries and onion rings. i wonder how much she paid for her fare to sit diagonally, taking up space good for two people. the jeepney wasn't crowded when i came in, and it wasn't like i wanted to bump her on purpose in the first place.
where does private space come in here? perhaps i've invaded hers when i sat down, accidentally bumping her. but that's not the point. i'm going to be egocentric here; my private space was invaded when she lectured me about the word "excuse me". for goodness' sake granny, i know the fucking word. i know when to use it. i don't need humiliation after a day's work. i have my own business, do not tell me what to do. if you think you can make this world a better place by telling people to say "excuse me" when they bump someone in a jeepney, then by all means, do so. give me a call when you're successful. i have my own way of making the world a better place, thank you.
forgive the negative mood in this entry. i guess this is better than to plot her gruesome death --> yes, i think i am capable of such. i've kept too much pain and suffering inside i want to return it to the world a hundred fold. *blank evil stare*
how irritating...
nothing beats excrutiating headaches after a day's work than an old lady invading your private space. just when i was about to call it a day, i called on a jeepney to sm north, sat down, and then this old lady has her face on me and said, "excuse me, ha? ako na ang nag-excuse kasi ayaw mo naman mag-excuse" with her head turning the other way while she whispers, "bastos". and i heard that after i apologized. geez, did i bump her that hard on my way to my seat? or is she just having a bad hair day? or probably menopausal syndrome? or maybe she was a beat up, anti-social woman who rages at the slightest contact with any part of her body? pardon the foul language and disrespect, pero putang ina...
i have always been taught to respect elders, but then i also have this rule that "respect begets respect". in this case, i cannot respect an overly sensitive old hag who, in my point of view, thinks of herself as politeness personified. i hate self-righteous people. if she doesn't want to get bumped around, why doesn't she just buy herself a car? or on a simpler note, why doesn't she just sit properly? --> yes, the old hag sits like a 300-pound woman munching a bag of fries and onion rings. i wonder how much she paid for her fare to sit diagonally, taking up space good for two people. the jeepney wasn't crowded when i came in, and it wasn't like i wanted to bump her on purpose in the first place.
where does private space come in here? perhaps i've invaded hers when i sat down, accidentally bumping her. but that's not the point. i'm going to be egocentric here; my private space was invaded when she lectured me about the word "excuse me". for goodness' sake granny, i know the fucking word. i know when to use it. i don't need humiliation after a day's work. i have my own business, do not tell me what to do. if you think you can make this world a better place by telling people to say "excuse me" when they bump someone in a jeepney, then by all means, do so. give me a call when you're successful. i have my own way of making the world a better place, thank you.
forgive the negative mood in this entry. i guess this is better than to plot her gruesome death --> yes, i think i am capable of such. i've kept too much pain and suffering inside i want to return it to the world a hundred fold. *blank evil stare*
Monday, October 25, 2004
saturday night aftermath (aki's party)
better wirte this down before it wears off on me...
*sigh* saturday was quite something. we managed to surprise aki in her very own home. she's such a crybaby. hehe.
well, the party wasn't really that awesome. the word "celebrate" doesn't really fit in that scenario. aki's leaving. i never really took notice of it until recently. maybe due to the fact that i refuse to accept it. i know. i know i have to. there's really nothing much i can do about the situation, but as i've said before, i'm a stubborn ass. guess you'll have to forgive me for that. i've been accepting things my whole life, just becuase i'm helpless against the circumstances. frankly, i'm tired of it.
food was great. again, i've indulged myself in cholesterol and carbo at eight in the evening. there were talking, joking around... and then came a part where each one had to give a message to a parting friend.
heh, it was then that i've realized how weak i was. they say it takes a lot of courage to say something you've been keeping for a long time. it takes a lot of courage to cry in front of someone. it takes a lot of courage to be honest with someone. i think i've found that courage at that dinner party. that's something unsual, for me, at least. i tried not to let tears fall down on my cheeks. i was successful, but i failed to hold back everything i wanted to say. some actually slipped through my tongue. in my subconcious laid memories of her first question of me, "anong x-factor ng statsoc?" then came flashing memories of that 3pm lunch at mcdonald's, the roadpainting, that trip to villa escudero, that time when she sang hinahanap-hanap kita at bigshots, that phonecall when i told her that i love her but i'd rather let gabriel take care of her, and every other moment we had. my heart always caused me some sort of difficulty in breathing, but at that night i felt like choking... and my voice was cracking. i wanted to stay happy or at least show them that i was, but my thoughts and feelings wanted me otherwise.
it's sad to have someone close to you leave. i've always thought that if you know someone's worth, they wouldn't have to leave. guess i was wrong. this case proves it. --> that's twisted logic for you.
-------------------------------------------
them optimists say that in friendship, time and distance aren't obtacles... that friendship transcends that. SCREW IT. as much as i like to believe that, it's not always true. i don't know if our lives are intertwined enough to surpass distance and time. it's so hard to find friends like what i have right now. i won't give them up that easily. yes, our friendship may not be perfect, but whatelse is? i'm happy with my imperfect relationship with my friends, thank you very much.
-------------------------------------------
time may come people may read this, probably my friends. if that were to happen, i guess i'd just have to say how lucky i am to have a good set friends. it's more precious than winning in the lottery --> not that i don't want to win or anything... i don't know how to express gratitude for taking me in, making me feel i'm worth something, teaching me that the sick world i've come to realize isn't so bad a place to live in, showing me that life isn't just about pain, that it has a lot to offer, and that love IS possible. i'm happy i became friends with such good people.
-------------------------------------------
and to aki, i don't know if you're gonna read this, but here it goes.
i've already told you that i can't accept the fact that you're leaviing. i rather think of it as a long vacation, and that we could meet again to have late afternoon lunch, or paint the road on late sunday afternoon, or tell you about a new song that would fit your situation, or something like that. i feel like i'm going to lose another friend, and it scares the hell out of me... thinking that a couple of years from now you would barely recognize me, nor remember the things we've been through in college. i've always thought that life is unfair. they say you'll know the value of something when it's gone. i've always thought of you as one of my precious friends, knowing your value to me, knowing how much our friendship means to me, and yet why do you have to leave? i just don't get it.
guess you'll have to forgive me for two things: one; for being so stubborn - refusing to accept that you're leaving. and two; for being selfish - i'd rather have you here. i don't want to you to be reduced to a memory. a promise of keeping in touch doesn't seem assuring enough for me. i want us to still be able to do the crazy things we used to do when we were in college. i want to have you within my reach, just in case i want to run to you and tell my problems, my stories and anything else that's been flying in my head.
and in case you're wondering about the words of that last track in the cd i gave you here it is:
Piece Of My Heart
Keri Noble
Album: Fearless (2004)
Driving down the highway saying goodbye to it all
In between the blues and greens we're following the call
That takes us so far away from summer's sunny days
You know I'm missing you already and I can still see your face
Sitting underneath the stars with a cold beer and old friends
Talking 'til the sun comes up and then we'd do it again
Well you've become a part of me that I never want to lose
Until we come back together you know I'll be missing you
I can hear us laughing
I remember every part
I've got everything we ever did
It's tattooed on my heart
But there's a colder wind coming in
And blowing us apart
Until the summer brings us back,
You know you got a piece of my heart
Watching your taillights fading out of my sight
Feeling like the sun just lost a little bit of its light
But you've left your memories to linger, new memories to start
'Til the summer brings you back, you know you got a piece of my heart
i don't want to say, "i'm going to miss you" or anything else that implies parting ways. even if you told me to accept it. i still don't.
-------------------------------------------
ok enough mush. back to cynical-fool-waiting-for-the-weekend mode... *smirk*
*sigh* saturday was quite something. we managed to surprise aki in her very own home. she's such a crybaby. hehe.
well, the party wasn't really that awesome. the word "celebrate" doesn't really fit in that scenario. aki's leaving. i never really took notice of it until recently. maybe due to the fact that i refuse to accept it. i know. i know i have to. there's really nothing much i can do about the situation, but as i've said before, i'm a stubborn ass. guess you'll have to forgive me for that. i've been accepting things my whole life, just becuase i'm helpless against the circumstances. frankly, i'm tired of it.
food was great. again, i've indulged myself in cholesterol and carbo at eight in the evening. there were talking, joking around... and then came a part where each one had to give a message to a parting friend.
heh, it was then that i've realized how weak i was. they say it takes a lot of courage to say something you've been keeping for a long time. it takes a lot of courage to cry in front of someone. it takes a lot of courage to be honest with someone. i think i've found that courage at that dinner party. that's something unsual, for me, at least. i tried not to let tears fall down on my cheeks. i was successful, but i failed to hold back everything i wanted to say. some actually slipped through my tongue. in my subconcious laid memories of her first question of me, "anong x-factor ng statsoc?" then came flashing memories of that 3pm lunch at mcdonald's, the roadpainting, that trip to villa escudero, that time when she sang hinahanap-hanap kita at bigshots, that phonecall when i told her that i love her but i'd rather let gabriel take care of her, and every other moment we had. my heart always caused me some sort of difficulty in breathing, but at that night i felt like choking... and my voice was cracking. i wanted to stay happy or at least show them that i was, but my thoughts and feelings wanted me otherwise.
it's sad to have someone close to you leave. i've always thought that if you know someone's worth, they wouldn't have to leave. guess i was wrong. this case proves it. --> that's twisted logic for you.
-------------------------------------------
them optimists say that in friendship, time and distance aren't obtacles... that friendship transcends that. SCREW IT. as much as i like to believe that, it's not always true. i don't know if our lives are intertwined enough to surpass distance and time. it's so hard to find friends like what i have right now. i won't give them up that easily. yes, our friendship may not be perfect, but whatelse is? i'm happy with my imperfect relationship with my friends, thank you very much.
-------------------------------------------
time may come people may read this, probably my friends. if that were to happen, i guess i'd just have to say how lucky i am to have a good set friends. it's more precious than winning in the lottery --> not that i don't want to win or anything... i don't know how to express gratitude for taking me in, making me feel i'm worth something, teaching me that the sick world i've come to realize isn't so bad a place to live in, showing me that life isn't just about pain, that it has a lot to offer, and that love IS possible. i'm happy i became friends with such good people.
-------------------------------------------
and to aki, i don't know if you're gonna read this, but here it goes.
i've already told you that i can't accept the fact that you're leaviing. i rather think of it as a long vacation, and that we could meet again to have late afternoon lunch, or paint the road on late sunday afternoon, or tell you about a new song that would fit your situation, or something like that. i feel like i'm going to lose another friend, and it scares the hell out of me... thinking that a couple of years from now you would barely recognize me, nor remember the things we've been through in college. i've always thought that life is unfair. they say you'll know the value of something when it's gone. i've always thought of you as one of my precious friends, knowing your value to me, knowing how much our friendship means to me, and yet why do you have to leave? i just don't get it.
guess you'll have to forgive me for two things: one; for being so stubborn - refusing to accept that you're leaving. and two; for being selfish - i'd rather have you here. i don't want to you to be reduced to a memory. a promise of keeping in touch doesn't seem assuring enough for me. i want us to still be able to do the crazy things we used to do when we were in college. i want to have you within my reach, just in case i want to run to you and tell my problems, my stories and anything else that's been flying in my head.
and in case you're wondering about the words of that last track in the cd i gave you here it is:
Piece Of My Heart
Keri Noble
Album: Fearless (2004)
Driving down the highway saying goodbye to it all
In between the blues and greens we're following the call
That takes us so far away from summer's sunny days
You know I'm missing you already and I can still see your face
Sitting underneath the stars with a cold beer and old friends
Talking 'til the sun comes up and then we'd do it again
Well you've become a part of me that I never want to lose
Until we come back together you know I'll be missing you
I can hear us laughing
I remember every part
I've got everything we ever did
It's tattooed on my heart
But there's a colder wind coming in
And blowing us apart
Until the summer brings us back,
You know you got a piece of my heart
Watching your taillights fading out of my sight
Feeling like the sun just lost a little bit of its light
But you've left your memories to linger, new memories to start
'Til the summer brings you back, you know you got a piece of my heart
i don't want to say, "i'm going to miss you" or anything else that implies parting ways. even if you told me to accept it. i still don't.
-------------------------------------------
ok enough mush. back to cynical-fool-waiting-for-the-weekend mode... *smirk*
Thursday, October 21, 2004
for myself
i want to start my own comic strip. i think i have enough skill to sustain it now. i used to make one in highschool, but i didn't have interest to keep it going. heck, i didn't even finish one chapter. i have no plot, no storyline, no subordinate characters, no time, and not enough interest. end result: a comic strip that's barely half-done.
maybe it might help if i write down here... hhhhmmm.....
*thinking*......*thinking some more*
i don't know how to make a separate section for it... besides, i want to research on it more. anyhow, i have several themes in mind - which i will base the plot of the story, along with character descriptions (which is a lot easier to define...). i'll allocate a whole article for it next time - complete with world description (i may have to create a world of my own) and character description (so they would have a permanent identity. i will not change that once it's written). *procrastinating*
let's see what i need for it:
a sketch pad.
a good pencil.
a good eraser.
a scanner.
photoshop.
i have four out of five. damn...
what else?
some facts i can incorporate into the story. (i.e. explanations on certain things like character abilities, historical basis as a result of some consequences for the storyline. that kind of stuff...)
a theme. (the setting, universal concepts and the like)
a plot. (like those you see in telenovelas, minus the cheesy parts and the pathetic twists)
sub-characters. (enemies to fight to make them stronger, allies that are non-violent, perhaps some elders/teachers or stuff like that)
that's all i got so far. i'll start drawing maybe this coming weekend. hope it turns out good. one chapter is all i ask... we'll see what happens after that. release date is the end of october. --> good luck, pal!
maybe it might help if i write down here... hhhhmmm.....
*thinking*......*thinking some more*
i don't know how to make a separate section for it... besides, i want to research on it more. anyhow, i have several themes in mind - which i will base the plot of the story, along with character descriptions (which is a lot easier to define...). i'll allocate a whole article for it next time - complete with world description (i may have to create a world of my own) and character description (so they would have a permanent identity. i will not change that once it's written). *procrastinating*
let's see what i need for it:
a sketch pad.
a good pencil.
a good eraser.
a scanner.
photoshop.
i have four out of five. damn...
what else?
some facts i can incorporate into the story. (i.e. explanations on certain things like character abilities, historical basis as a result of some consequences for the storyline. that kind of stuff...)
a theme. (the setting, universal concepts and the like)
a plot. (like those you see in telenovelas, minus the cheesy parts and the pathetic twists)
sub-characters. (enemies to fight to make them stronger, allies that are non-violent, perhaps some elders/teachers or stuff like that)
that's all i got so far. i'll start drawing maybe this coming weekend. hope it turns out good. one chapter is all i ask... we'll see what happens after that. release date is the end of october. --> good luck, pal!
the unusuals
not really in the thinking mood right now --> now that's something you don't hear everyday... harhar!!
let's just write down the unusual things lately:
1.) haze having time to read articles during work.
must i expound on this? haze practically has her work for a life. we always feel tired for her. poor girl, i wonder how much her little body can withstand practical "slave work". anyways, yesterday she was asking me to email some articles for her to read. whoa?!?! what was that?!? she's going to read during work hours?! whatever happened to i've-got-lots-of-work-to-do-i-don't-have-time-anymore-for-other-stuff hazel?!!? not that i'm not happy, it was just... well... unusual.
2.) mike online at 6 in the morning.
and i thought he was a vampire?!?! what's with that?! hasn't he had enough of sleepless nights brought about by the gruesome fate of enduring countless papers and exams (well, not countless... but you get my point) that comes with the life of being a stat major? i didn't talk to him online. was just surprised when i logged on this morning. and what am i doing up at 6am? i do have work, you know? duh.
3.) talking to jv about things.
haven't talked to him for quite a while. and when do talk, it wouldn't take us an hour or so. yesterday was different. for two reasons; one, we talked. two, we had something to talk about. am i making sense? oh what the hell...
4.) downloading mp3s.
i can't remember the last time i searched something in kazaa and downloaded it. this morning i searched for cool opm songs for my so-called going-away present for aki. speaking of which, i do hope i finish it before saturday. but ofcourse there's always that regine album option...
5.) no aftework gimmicks.
i don't have plans this week. my upcoming gimmick is on the 23rd (aki's party), but that's on a weekend. --> has anyone seen my social life? *sniff sniff*
6.) a friendster testimonial.
that one's from chill. read it just now. hehe. she describes me as dense (and sweet, and tahimik, and mabait, and makulit). dense? dense?!?! how am i dense?!?!
*raised eyebrow**scratches head*
7.) cham being upset with me.
well, this isn't really unusual. it's just that the last time cham was upset with me was when i refused to give a reaction on her write up of me (if there's another incident when she was upset, she probably didn't tell me. i refuse to accept having memory loss!!). the weird thing about it is that she told me. well, that's no surprise either. women are such difficult creatures to understand.
8.) me answering a survey.
what do you want me to do?!? i finished sanitizing the last complete minutes earlier than expected. might as well kill time by answering stuff in the bulletin board. it's there for something, right?
9.) a sudden liking for opm.
yeah, this one's really something. i wouldn't use myself as a standard measure for opm quality, but recent opm songs tend to catch my drift. i even plan to compile an opm audio cd *pirate alert! pirate alert!*
10.) having nothing else to write about.
geez, just yesterday i swear i could hear voices coming from all directions - none of which seem to finish a sentence. well, i was at the mall. maybe i've been hearing all the noise, maybe not. anyway, this doesn't really have anything to do with the "having nothing else to write about" title. bottomline - i used to have a lot of things to say. now, i don't have anything to say. --> that's a shame... *sigh*
let's just write down the unusual things lately:
1.) haze having time to read articles during work.
must i expound on this? haze practically has her work for a life. we always feel tired for her. poor girl, i wonder how much her little body can withstand practical "slave work". anyways, yesterday she was asking me to email some articles for her to read. whoa?!?! what was that?!? she's going to read during work hours?! whatever happened to i've-got-lots-of-work-to-do-i-don't-have-time-anymore-for-other-stuff hazel?!!? not that i'm not happy, it was just... well... unusual.
2.) mike online at 6 in the morning.
and i thought he was a vampire?!?! what's with that?! hasn't he had enough of sleepless nights brought about by the gruesome fate of enduring countless papers and exams (well, not countless... but you get my point) that comes with the life of being a stat major? i didn't talk to him online. was just surprised when i logged on this morning. and what am i doing up at 6am? i do have work, you know? duh.
3.) talking to jv about things.
haven't talked to him for quite a while. and when do talk, it wouldn't take us an hour or so. yesterday was different. for two reasons; one, we talked. two, we had something to talk about. am i making sense? oh what the hell...
4.) downloading mp3s.
i can't remember the last time i searched something in kazaa and downloaded it. this morning i searched for cool opm songs for my so-called going-away present for aki. speaking of which, i do hope i finish it before saturday. but ofcourse there's always that regine album option...
5.) no aftework gimmicks.
i don't have plans this week. my upcoming gimmick is on the 23rd (aki's party), but that's on a weekend. --> has anyone seen my social life? *sniff sniff*
6.) a friendster testimonial.
that one's from chill. read it just now. hehe. she describes me as dense (and sweet, and tahimik, and mabait, and makulit). dense? dense?!?! how am i dense?!?!
*raised eyebrow**scratches head*
7.) cham being upset with me.
well, this isn't really unusual. it's just that the last time cham was upset with me was when i refused to give a reaction on her write up of me (if there's another incident when she was upset, she probably didn't tell me. i refuse to accept having memory loss!!). the weird thing about it is that she told me. well, that's no surprise either. women are such difficult creatures to understand.
8.) me answering a survey.
what do you want me to do?!? i finished sanitizing the last complete minutes earlier than expected. might as well kill time by answering stuff in the bulletin board. it's there for something, right?
9.) a sudden liking for opm.
yeah, this one's really something. i wouldn't use myself as a standard measure for opm quality, but recent opm songs tend to catch my drift. i even plan to compile an opm audio cd *pirate alert! pirate alert!*
10.) having nothing else to write about.
geez, just yesterday i swear i could hear voices coming from all directions - none of which seem to finish a sentence. well, i was at the mall. maybe i've been hearing all the noise, maybe not. anyway, this doesn't really have anything to do with the "having nothing else to write about" title. bottomline - i used to have a lot of things to say. now, i don't have anything to say. --> that's a shame... *sigh*
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
a stone thrown in a still pond
just read an article at peyups, it was about loving and letting go, or the inability to do so... well, you know what i mean. it's not like such a theme is rarely used as topic for love songs and novels and articles and stuff...
it said something about how a guy hiding his sadness to the world. on the outside he seems very happy with life, not bothered by the fact that he and his girlfriend just broke up. at the end of the day, when he is all alone he takes off his mask and let tears fall down from his cheeks. he wishes that the hurting stop. being subjected to such pain for a long time can make one numb - being used to such emotion makes one feel less and less.
that just SUCKS. i tend to relate, not by his circumstances, but by his feelings. i know what it feels to hide sadness to the world, just so others won't look down on you and feel sorry for you. sometimes, you just want to breakdown but you can't because people around you think you are strong. you don't want the way they see you to change.
they come up to you for comfort and advice because they know you can handle another burden on your shoulders. --> this might just be another assumption, but i think it's a valid one. that feeling gives me a sense of worth - being able to help, especially those i care about; letting them pour out their soul, giving them a different perspective on the situation, helping them understand their problem, and find solutions for it. i love doing that. it makes me feel needed... that i'm worth something.
"and for that reason i hold myself up as if nothing's bothering me... when in truth i myself am hurting inside."
sometimes i wish for a day when everyone would understand me. a day when i can just be weak, and it wouldn't matter. a day when i'm the one being helped, not the one who's helping. a day when i can breakdown and cry and not be ashamed of it nor be afraid that people would see me differently. a day when i just be given a good 30 seconds of a warm hug, or someone would just hold my hand and listen to me - just listen, no need for words.
"i wish for that day to come. and i also wish for the day when all my hurting would stop."
i wish someone could convince me to let go of a love that can never happen... to let go of someone i can never have. i think that's too much to ask of someone. i know i'm the only one who can convince myself to let go, but as of the moment i can't get that through to my thick skull.
why does my heart have to be so stubborn?
though i am convinced that cham and i could only go as far as being friends, why do i still have these stings everytime i see her with her boyfriend? i am happy that she's happy, but why am i hurting?
is it possible for me to feel both joy and pain at the same time?
maybe greg is right. my position is both lucky and frustrating. i must be confused now, as to who am i between the mask and my true self... either way, it doesn't stop the ocassional stings. the butterfly filflops are gone, though. she may also be within my comfort zone now...
how do you keep yourself from hurting when your source of pain is one who greets you hello and goodbye with a kiss, hugs you when you feel sad, jokes around with you, takes on your stupid bets, becomes upset with you when you break promises, calls you when she needs help, and reahes out to you when your friendship was on the brink of becoming not more than a faint memory?
if anyone knows how else to solve my problem other than saying, "leave her" or "go find someone else", tell me. i believe there's another way.
"leave her" tells me to get out of her life for my sake. fine. i see the point. but you're fergetting something; she's also my friend. "leave her" tells me to give up a friendship that survived through conflict and pain. i know what it feels like to lose a friend. it wouldn't make my suffering any less painful. besides, i was touched to know (or feel) that she didn't want our friendship to end. --> cham, if you're reading this, please correct me if i'm wrong with my conclusion/assumption.
"go find someone else" tells me to USE someone else to fill that space only she can fill. "go find someone else" tells me to provide myself with a temporary solution that will potentially result to more hurting.
i'll stop now. it's amazing how one article can make me think and wirte this much... oh well. until i find solutions, i'll leave it as it is; afterall, cham's hapiness is important to me. as long as i see her happy, i think i can endure the pain for a little while longer...
it said something about how a guy hiding his sadness to the world. on the outside he seems very happy with life, not bothered by the fact that he and his girlfriend just broke up. at the end of the day, when he is all alone he takes off his mask and let tears fall down from his cheeks. he wishes that the hurting stop. being subjected to such pain for a long time can make one numb - being used to such emotion makes one feel less and less.
that just SUCKS. i tend to relate, not by his circumstances, but by his feelings. i know what it feels to hide sadness to the world, just so others won't look down on you and feel sorry for you. sometimes, you just want to breakdown but you can't because people around you think you are strong. you don't want the way they see you to change.
they come up to you for comfort and advice because they know you can handle another burden on your shoulders. --> this might just be another assumption, but i think it's a valid one. that feeling gives me a sense of worth - being able to help, especially those i care about; letting them pour out their soul, giving them a different perspective on the situation, helping them understand their problem, and find solutions for it. i love doing that. it makes me feel needed... that i'm worth something.
"and for that reason i hold myself up as if nothing's bothering me... when in truth i myself am hurting inside."
sometimes i wish for a day when everyone would understand me. a day when i can just be weak, and it wouldn't matter. a day when i'm the one being helped, not the one who's helping. a day when i can breakdown and cry and not be ashamed of it nor be afraid that people would see me differently. a day when i just be given a good 30 seconds of a warm hug, or someone would just hold my hand and listen to me - just listen, no need for words.
"i wish for that day to come. and i also wish for the day when all my hurting would stop."
i wish someone could convince me to let go of a love that can never happen... to let go of someone i can never have. i think that's too much to ask of someone. i know i'm the only one who can convince myself to let go, but as of the moment i can't get that through to my thick skull.
why does my heart have to be so stubborn?
though i am convinced that cham and i could only go as far as being friends, why do i still have these stings everytime i see her with her boyfriend? i am happy that she's happy, but why am i hurting?
is it possible for me to feel both joy and pain at the same time?
maybe greg is right. my position is both lucky and frustrating. i must be confused now, as to who am i between the mask and my true self... either way, it doesn't stop the ocassional stings. the butterfly filflops are gone, though. she may also be within my comfort zone now...
how do you keep yourself from hurting when your source of pain is one who greets you hello and goodbye with a kiss, hugs you when you feel sad, jokes around with you, takes on your stupid bets, becomes upset with you when you break promises, calls you when she needs help, and reahes out to you when your friendship was on the brink of becoming not more than a faint memory?
if anyone knows how else to solve my problem other than saying, "leave her" or "go find someone else", tell me. i believe there's another way.
"leave her" tells me to get out of her life for my sake. fine. i see the point. but you're fergetting something; she's also my friend. "leave her" tells me to give up a friendship that survived through conflict and pain. i know what it feels like to lose a friend. it wouldn't make my suffering any less painful. besides, i was touched to know (or feel) that she didn't want our friendship to end. --> cham, if you're reading this, please correct me if i'm wrong with my conclusion/assumption.
"go find someone else" tells me to USE someone else to fill that space only she can fill. "go find someone else" tells me to provide myself with a temporary solution that will potentially result to more hurting.
i'll stop now. it's amazing how one article can make me think and wirte this much... oh well. until i find solutions, i'll leave it as it is; afterall, cham's hapiness is important to me. as long as i see her happy, i think i can endure the pain for a little while longer...
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
things i want to do
saturday's gonna be aki's despedida party. --> did i get the spelling right?
was planning to give her a going away present. a cd with opm songs in it, and dedications from all her friends. the dedication part wouldn't be possible anymore. i only have roughly four days left to pull it off. heck, i can't do that. i'm stuck here in the office. oh well... might as well think of something else.
thought of buying her regine's latest album. it's gonna be out tomorrow. at least it will save me a lot of effort... but i'm not very much happy with buying her something instead of making one myself.
and yeah, i still owe her a meal. i'll worry about that later.
.......................................................................................
whoa?!?!... there goes a constant thought... damnit.
.......................................................................................
i've been wanting to write about the things i want to do in life. i just don't have a concrete set of goals. none seem to be cohesive - one independent of the other. let's just make a draft of what i want to do. ---> as of today:
i want to learn a new programming language
--> maybe macro in excel. i also want to learn flash and other graphic and animation software. --> all talk. no action!!
i want to make an electronic comics
--> i have characters. i just need to put up a storyline. i need to research on this. *wow*
i want to take a master's degree
--> there's just one problem; i don't know what field i want to specialize in.
*wacks self on the head*
i want to study abroad
--> this can work along with the previous one. i also want to work abroad. bottomline: I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. *frustrated*
that's all i got so far. i'll have a full list of this and try to accomplish it within a year.
-side note-
my writings are becoming shorter and shorter... oh well...
-end of side note-
that's it for now. got to get back to work. elaborate on this next time, for your sake.
was planning to give her a going away present. a cd with opm songs in it, and dedications from all her friends. the dedication part wouldn't be possible anymore. i only have roughly four days left to pull it off. heck, i can't do that. i'm stuck here in the office. oh well... might as well think of something else.
thought of buying her regine's latest album. it's gonna be out tomorrow. at least it will save me a lot of effort... but i'm not very much happy with buying her something instead of making one myself.
and yeah, i still owe her a meal. i'll worry about that later.
.......................................................................................
whoa?!?!... there goes a constant thought... damnit.
.......................................................................................
i've been wanting to write about the things i want to do in life. i just don't have a concrete set of goals. none seem to be cohesive - one independent of the other. let's just make a draft of what i want to do. ---> as of today:
i want to learn a new programming language
--> maybe macro in excel. i also want to learn flash and other graphic and animation software. --> all talk. no action!!
i want to make an electronic comics
--> i have characters. i just need to put up a storyline. i need to research on this. *wow*
i want to take a master's degree
--> there's just one problem; i don't know what field i want to specialize in.
*wacks self on the head*
i want to study abroad
--> this can work along with the previous one. i also want to work abroad. bottomline: I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. *frustrated*
that's all i got so far. i'll have a full list of this and try to accomplish it within a year.
-side note-
my writings are becoming shorter and shorter... oh well...
-end of side note-
that's it for now. got to get back to work. elaborate on this next time, for your sake.
Monday, October 18, 2004
talk about boring
just finished one 25-page minutes of the meeting. i never thought sanitation could be this time-consuming, this mind-numbing, and this BORING. *yawn, scrathes butt*
i actually spent my sunday doing the same thing. i really have to finish it or else my boss is going to kille me. anyways, i feel like an teacher of a terrible writing class for four-year-olds. no offense to abbey (abbey is our secretary. enough said.), but that piece of document is one of the worst pieces of writing i have ever seen. to correct 15-25 pages of horse shit makes me want to puke. i still have around five finished minutes to clean, and a whole lot more once they are completed (now this is not my fault. i want to blame abbey for being slow, but hey, like that's gonna make my work a lot easier. besides, it IS her fault. let's just not make it an issue. harhar!!). it's like that time when i visit the registration office to encode jackets --> which was downright boring, plus we have a very annoying coordinator who's too lazy to look for jackets.
anyway, good thing i wrote down the things that make me happy. i look at them every now and then to remind myself that this is NOT a boring day --> i'm close to believing that it is. thanks to that sentence hazel stuffed into my head,
-side note-
bought a 500-peso polo. it's nice. it's semi-fit. now i have to contract my tummy a little bit to avoid shame. wehehe!! seriously, i don't know how i had this. damn office work - doesn't leave me much time to excercise. where can i buy discipline? i need it to get back in shape. come to think of it... i AM in shape. ROUND is a shape... --> give this young man a big fat ZERO for originality. harharhar!!!
-end of side note-
anyway, back to boring. friendster and hipstir doesn't seem to be fun anymore. no new messages, no new friends. well, i have new friends in hipstir, i don't talk to all of them though. either i can't find a nice topic to talk about, or i'm just not interested. and when i do talk to some of them, the conversation doesn't go freeflow. i hate it when that happens. makes me wonder if i'm boring... nah. we just have no fun topic in common. i'm a good boy. i drink ocassionally and barely get drunk, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs, i don't party at bars, i don't engage in one nighters... wait. geez. i AM boring. no mean bone. no naughty side. --> stop talking to yourself!! and you have a mean bone, hell you have a mean skeleton!! and your blood is BLACK! you just don't show it.
ok, enough. time to go home. i hope tomorrow won't be as boring as this one.
i actually spent my sunday doing the same thing. i really have to finish it or else my boss is going to kille me. anyways, i feel like an teacher of a terrible writing class for four-year-olds. no offense to abbey (abbey is our secretary. enough said.), but that piece of document is one of the worst pieces of writing i have ever seen. to correct 15-25 pages of horse shit makes me want to puke. i still have around five finished minutes to clean, and a whole lot more once they are completed (now this is not my fault. i want to blame abbey for being slow, but hey, like that's gonna make my work a lot easier. besides, it IS her fault. let's just not make it an issue. harhar!!). it's like that time when i visit the registration office to encode jackets --> which was downright boring, plus we have a very annoying coordinator who's too lazy to look for jackets.
anyway, good thing i wrote down the things that make me happy. i look at them every now and then to remind myself that this is NOT a boring day --> i'm close to believing that it is. thanks to that sentence hazel stuffed into my head,
"this is going to be a great day"
yeah, right. but it did save me from a rather bloody boring day. and i had some focus while working, which is unusual these days. thanks haze.
-side note-
bought a 500-peso polo. it's nice. it's semi-fit. now i have to contract my tummy a little bit to avoid shame. wehehe!! seriously, i don't know how i had this. damn office work - doesn't leave me much time to excercise. where can i buy discipline? i need it to get back in shape. come to think of it... i AM in shape. ROUND is a shape... --> give this young man a big fat ZERO for originality. harharhar!!!
-end of side note-
anyway, back to boring. friendster and hipstir doesn't seem to be fun anymore. no new messages, no new friends. well, i have new friends in hipstir, i don't talk to all of them though. either i can't find a nice topic to talk about, or i'm just not interested. and when i do talk to some of them, the conversation doesn't go freeflow. i hate it when that happens. makes me wonder if i'm boring... nah. we just have no fun topic in common. i'm a good boy. i drink ocassionally and barely get drunk, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs, i don't party at bars, i don't engage in one nighters... wait. geez. i AM boring. no mean bone. no naughty side. --> stop talking to yourself!! and you have a mean bone, hell you have a mean skeleton!! and your blood is BLACK! you just don't show it.
ok, enough. time to go home. i hope tomorrow won't be as boring as this one.
the little things
since it's a monday i just want to prevent it from being boring, blank and eventually, utterly sad upon the realization of the fact that it's a long way 'til the weekend, might as well write something here. how about a list of the simple things that make me happy? why not?
1.) a prayer for everyone i care about.
actually, i also pray for my enemies --> i don't know who these are, but what the heck. might as well save them from the fires of hell. *halo appears from head*
2.) teasing sessions with my mom and siblings.
same brand of humor from big sister to little brother. maybe that's why people think we're harsh... oh well. our humor was designed to bring down one's spirit. you just have to find a way to laugh it off.
3.) friends.
same as above, plus the concern, care, thought, and openess you don't find in a stall along glorietta or even in divisoria. not to mention the fact that they give you one of the warmest hugs you'll ever have in your entire existence. these guys are precious to me.
4.) icecream.
ah. comfort food. a cure for sadness, wehehe. i eat it almost everyday. go figure.
5.) sweet nothings.
i.e. "i miss you", "i love you", "take care", *holding hands*, *kiss*, *strolls*, *grins*... cheesy things. i really don't have that rocker image, but i'm not too soft either. above mentions are sweeter when said or done without warning. =)
6.) sunsets.
i love it when God paints the sky with wonderful colors. either that, or i just don't have anything to do on late afternoons. wehehe!!
7.) clouds.
i like them better than stars. i barely see stars. probably because i have blurred vision.
8.) nice photographs.
"nice" defined as scenery, nature, animals, emotions, stuff like that. not those you see in pron sites, but i look at them too, ocassionally, that is. wehehe. *evil grin*
9.) a nice song.
from the radio, or from my playlist, or from a really good band, or... uhm. well. you know what i mean. anything as long as it sounds good.
10.) mornings at the beach.
i've experiemced one in zambales. the air was so good. i love the sunrise touching my face. i love looking at the horizon. and it was the night when i saw the most number of shooting stars in my life. --> i remembered, whatever happened to my wishes?!?! *scratches head*
11.) daydreaming.
i guess everyone loves this. afterall, it's free. actually, one of the few free things left in the world.
12.) handwritten letters.
i miss giving and recieving these. i had a lot in high school. some of them are folded into things that would resemble a shirt, a heart, you know... a skill similar to the art of oregami? (did i get the spelling right?). hehe.
13.) chocolate.
i know, i know i'm lactose intolerant. i'm also a stubborn ass. harharhar!
14.) a puppy.
ofcourse i want them small at first, but i don't like them when they become bigger and look like goofy or pluto. we had one once. his name was borgy. my big sister brought him home. i always looked forward to going home from work to play with him, but he was puppy-napped. wish that stupid bastard rot in hell --> for goodness' sake, it was a native dog... a very cute dog, but native nonetheless.
15.) tree tops.
when i was young i used to climb trees and sit at the highest possible branch, feel the wind on my face, and go along with the branches as they sway with the wind. that was like being on top of the world.
there. enough procrastiantion for today. this doesn't get me in the mood to work, rather to take a vacation, but hell, i only have less than 2 weeks to finish my work... oh well. at least i'm not in a bad mood.
1.) a prayer for everyone i care about.
actually, i also pray for my enemies --> i don't know who these are, but what the heck. might as well save them from the fires of hell. *halo appears from head*
2.) teasing sessions with my mom and siblings.
same brand of humor from big sister to little brother. maybe that's why people think we're harsh... oh well. our humor was designed to bring down one's spirit. you just have to find a way to laugh it off.
3.) friends.
same as above, plus the concern, care, thought, and openess you don't find in a stall along glorietta or even in divisoria. not to mention the fact that they give you one of the warmest hugs you'll ever have in your entire existence. these guys are precious to me.
4.) icecream.
ah. comfort food. a cure for sadness, wehehe. i eat it almost everyday. go figure.
5.) sweet nothings.
i.e. "i miss you", "i love you", "take care", *holding hands*, *kiss*, *strolls*, *grins*... cheesy things. i really don't have that rocker image, but i'm not too soft either. above mentions are sweeter when said or done without warning. =)
6.) sunsets.
i love it when God paints the sky with wonderful colors. either that, or i just don't have anything to do on late afternoons. wehehe!!
7.) clouds.
i like them better than stars. i barely see stars. probably because i have blurred vision.
8.) nice photographs.
"nice" defined as scenery, nature, animals, emotions, stuff like that. not those you see in pron sites, but i look at them too, ocassionally, that is. wehehe. *evil grin*
9.) a nice song.
from the radio, or from my playlist, or from a really good band, or... uhm. well. you know what i mean. anything as long as it sounds good.
10.) mornings at the beach.
i've experiemced one in zambales. the air was so good. i love the sunrise touching my face. i love looking at the horizon. and it was the night when i saw the most number of shooting stars in my life. --> i remembered, whatever happened to my wishes?!?! *scratches head*
11.) daydreaming.
i guess everyone loves this. afterall, it's free. actually, one of the few free things left in the world.
12.) handwritten letters.
i miss giving and recieving these. i had a lot in high school. some of them are folded into things that would resemble a shirt, a heart, you know... a skill similar to the art of oregami? (did i get the spelling right?). hehe.
13.) chocolate.
i know, i know i'm lactose intolerant. i'm also a stubborn ass. harharhar!
14.) a puppy.
ofcourse i want them small at first, but i don't like them when they become bigger and look like goofy or pluto. we had one once. his name was borgy. my big sister brought him home. i always looked forward to going home from work to play with him, but he was puppy-napped. wish that stupid bastard rot in hell --> for goodness' sake, it was a native dog... a very cute dog, but native nonetheless.
15.) tree tops.
when i was young i used to climb trees and sit at the highest possible branch, feel the wind on my face, and go along with the branches as they sway with the wind. that was like being on top of the world.
there. enough procrastiantion for today. this doesn't get me in the mood to work, rather to take a vacation, but hell, i only have less than 2 weeks to finish my work... oh well. at least i'm not in a bad mood.
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