hhhmmm...

i'm starting to sound like an annoying dog barking in the middle of the night...

i need to shut up now...

after office update

can't think of a title...

monday. back to my 7:30-4:30 work sched on mondays and thursdays to accomodate my 6pm class. going home is a little bit of a hassle. lessons are a bit boring, as they are just a sort of review of undergrad topics.

tuesday. went to church with cham and haze. i've been wanting to go to church since last week. i finaly got to. it felt rather nice. thanks guys.

janess told me about debi's farewell dinner. it was a chance to see the secret society once again. though i was a little quiet due to media discussions, i had fun. and lots and lots of pasta and chicken - chill, that was one of the best pastas i've had in a while. thanks.

wednesday. met with jenny as per my officemate's request (he wanted to apply for a credit card, or so he says), plus i borrowed prison break and grey's anatomy to burn. had dinner at burger king. little chat on things and whatnot.

thursday. i went to chill's gig at katips after class. she promised an acoustic set. thought i needed some form of relaxation. kinetic daze and narda performed. they're actually good. the place was small, but i really didn't mind. i was sitting on the floor near the stage. i got to hear some acoustic originals and covers from the likes of incubus and dishwalla to name a few (kinetic daze did some justice to the songs). for once i got to empty my beer (yes, beer. isang bote lang naman eh) for more than 10 minutes. hehe. i hope i can attend the gigs more often, but right now i'm financially constrained, plus i had a hard time going home from katipunan.

friday. the only day i didn't had plans after work - perhaps because i'm already broke. i wanted to go to glorietta but i figured taking the mrt at the ayala station would be a pain, so i decided to go home instead and worked on art projects. i have a few more sketches i haven't scanned. i'll work on them when i get back from hearing mass.

saturday. i was supposed to go jogging in the morning. but i got hooked on PS again. i missed the library as i got to campus at lunch time. i went to church to hear the afternoon mass, then had rodic's porkchopsilog for lunch.

to my sursprise, sir jeff, sir doods, and ramil bataller were my classmates in my stochastic differential equations class. it's pretty much theoretical - so i need to brace myself for some major headaches every saturday.

dropped by cyberzone to bring my sister's cellphone for repairs. they told me to return on monday. hell, by the time i get to sm, they'd be closed.

here's to more after-office activities. i hope i'm not getting too old for it.

a little take on fate

Ever read one of those “choose you own ending” books? It’s like a regular novel with you as the lead role and along the course of the story, you are presented with situations where you need to choose – whether to open a door or not, whether to head north or pull over a nearby gas station, whether to let someone go with you or let them stay where they are. Each choice asks you to turn to the designated page and then the story continues. The story is quite dynamic, and the readers can have different endings depending on the choices they make.

I was in my first year in the seminary when I encountered these books. They were fun to read at the time, as they were only short stories plus the book isn’t that thick so you won’t have that ugh-it’s-so-long-i-might-get-bored feeling when you start reading. I never really related it much on other things like fate.

Over the recent years I started hearing discussions on fate. Just yesterday I got a text message from anne that tells something about fate.

Do you believe in fate – that all would fall into place?
Kahit gaano katagal ka pa mapalayo sa mahal mo…
You’ll meet each other one day.
Just remember “fate builds a bridge of chance for someone you love”

Being the loser that I am, I couldn’t help but react. Most people think that fate is when “things fall into place” – that fate is something that is bound to happen whether we like it or not – whatever we do, the result will be the same. I just thought, what about free will? If fate is to be defined as such, then it would contradict the notion of free will. Or perhaps most of us understand fate at a certain level. I feel like a preacher again, but what the hell.

Take the book I mentioned earlier as you life. It’s dynamic – with a lot of twists and turns. It’s unpredictable – you don’t know for sure what will happen tomorrow, and that’s what makes life exciting.

Fate can be viewed, in the context of the book, as the set of consequences being presented – consequences that, in some way, are bound to happen. Opening the door could lead you to a murder scene or the culprit’s hideout – from there you’ll be asked to turn to the ending page. Not opening it gives you more time to explore the rest of the book, helping you find more clues to solve a mystery crime you should’ve encountered had you opened that door. In the same way, God’s design is dynamic, with a lot of outcomes – including the impossible and beyond human thought. Fate is God’s design – a design that includes pain, misfortune, and hardships all “falling into place” alongside good fortune, joy and peace. Sometimes most of us fail to realize that “falling into place” doesn’t account for the good things alone… sometimes you’ll hear a lot saying “why can’t things fall into place?”. What they don’t realize is that it’s also part of the plan.

Another good thing about fate is that it starts somewhere: with one’s free will – the ability to choose whether to open the door or not, whether to head up north or pull over the nearby gas station, whether to let someone go with you or let them stay where they are. But unlike the fate most of us know that renders us helpless, fate defined as God’s design doesn’t force itself on us. It needs an answer to unfold – like the book, and each decision opens up a new set of possibilities, all of which are, in some way, bound to happen – depending on the actions you to take. Hence you could probably hear someone say something like, “we make our own destiny” or “we decide on our fate”. Well, not quite. God presents the options, not us. A sound choice could turn out completely disastrous for reasons that may or may not be logical. Those who associate fate with love could site some examples of what I mean. We have free will, but we do not have full control of our life. We are mere readers of that “choose your own ending” book and God is the author. What happens to us after every decision will still be based on the consequences presented by God. What makes it exciting is that not all consequences are seen – hence there are terms such as “miracles” – when a consequence which seems impossible to man occurs.

So, do I believe in fate? Maybe I do, but not the fate that renders me helpless, not the fate that accounts for the good things alone, but rather the fate that is God’s grand design – the fate that includes pain, misfortune, and hardships alongside good fortune, joy and peace, the fate that doesn’t force itself on us, the fate that allows us free will, the fate that strengthens faith…

it's back...

i finally got my pc to function properly, with all previous programs and a little something more - photoshop CS2. reviving my old hobby couldn't have a better timing.

this one's for practice. i haven't drawn/colored anything in months. i've had pending projects for monster concepts for heraldry:freija. this would be one of them.

anyhow, here's to more concepts to come.

friday night

i did say i wasn't going to turn to alcohol for comfort...

i did say i was going to cut down on gimiks to save up...well, i guess i'm now bad in keeping promises...

but hey, i think i needed to go out.

went out with officemates at congo grill last friday. food was rather cheap but good. the sounds were okay. the ambiance wasn't as warm, but who's complaining? had 4 bottles - a little more than usual. then stayed at an officemate's house 'til 5am. thanks guys. i needed a few laughs over alcohol.

slept through saturday. good thing stat 280A hasn't started yet.

and still i feel tired.

Lord, grant me clarity.

what sharing seats can get you

life will get a little complicated than usual now that school is just around the corner.

i was quite happy to wake up at around past 8 on a wednesday morning. for some reason, waking up late on a weekday is much more refreshing than waking up on a weekend...

registration isn't as much of a hassle as it was during undergrad years. i got to finish in a day. hooray for me.

lunch was rather interesting. jon and i went to beach house and lutong bahay to eat - both looked like box-office movie houses. we settled for than new korean stall over at shopping center. we were lucky to get a seat. while waiting for our food, a cute girl stepped in.

she was alone - making it virtually impossible for her to get a seat on any food stall on campus. she asked if she could share a seat with us. with a cute face like that, we were only stupid to say 'no'.

she had some stories to tell - school stuff to be exact. she was nice and cheerful. either that or she was just trying to be nice. i don't really care, though.

her name is pauline. she's 22, from the college of arts and letters, and graduating (hopefully) this year.

other than that, i got nothing. i could've gone back to get her number but that would be very obvious.

oh well, UP may be big, but it's not THAT big. maybe i'll bump into her sometime.

i suddenly remembered how i became friends with mylene (dionisio). i gave my seat to her on a bus ride home. funny how nice deeds can have interesting rewards.

thanks, for a rather fun lunch. i hope you finish your pending projects.

note: this one's real.
note to self: edit this poorly written entry

the irony of things

I was at a beach in a place I wasn’t familiar with. The cottage had a porch. The door was open as the sound of Norah Jones’ “come away with me” was playing in a rather peaceful blanket of darkness. It was around past 8 in the evening and the only view I had was the night sky, ornamented with the stars – probably one of the most serene moments in my entire life.

I’ve looked forward to a chance for a scenario like this to come to play. I had a beer in my hand as I blankly stare in the heavens, whispering to God anything and everything that came to mind.

You stepped out of the room, probably bored of whatever conversations you were having with the rest of our friends, or probably just wanting to go out for some sea-scented fresh air. You were in your lemon green pants, white tank top and brown flip flops. You found me sitting at the steps with my eyes fixed on what incubus described as a ‘back-flipped canopy with holes punched in it’. You were a little tipsy with the couple of baileys you had. Your face was red and you had a smile you can’t seem to wipe off for some weird reason.

“What’s up?” you asked, with that innocent tone in your voice.

”not much. I just got a couple of things in my head right now…” that was my usual answer.

“…things like what?” you start your ‘makulit’ questions – not that I don’t like them… I actually expected them from a tipsy you.

“Well, there’s problems with my family, a mild case of quarter-life crisis, a little problem with work and…”, again another default answer on my end. Though it was true, it only made up a small part of what I was thinking – something I promised not to do the moment I got off the confines of my stressful life in the city.

…and then you interrupted.

”you’re on vacation, do you really want to spend it on thinking about your problems? C’mon, I’ll get you some more beer.” you were your usual sweet self – a little tipsy, but sweet nonetheless.

“It’s not like you don’t know me… I can’t help but worry about things, even if you say I shouldn’t. But don’t worry, I’m working on It.”, with a shrug and a smirk on my face.

“You, what’s up?” not necessarily one of my protocol gestures because you asked me first. I really did want to know what was going on with your life for the past few months. I only had bits and pieces picked up from your blog. I rarely ask for details anymore – not because I don’t want to – probably more on getting myself used to not knowing anything about you. What a sad thought, huh? – considering you’re one of my closest friends…

You got up and went back to the room to get a beer – barely hearing what I just asked you. I grinned as I watch you walk towards the door. I looked up to the stars again, as I empty my third bottle of beer. Thoughts started racing again through my head like cars going a hundred and twenty miles per hour on all directions. I was always like that when left alone. I wish there was a cure to it.

You came back with another bottle, and a shot glass for your own.

“I’m good. I had a couple of fun times a fair share of downtimes. Other than that, I’m okay.”

You probably know that I’m not exactly famous for follow up’s, especially in the mood I was in that night… either that or you just didn’t notice and went on.

“You owe me a story…” you suddenly remembered that incident where you were asking me about something and I simply dismissed the subject by postponing it indefinitely.

“What story?” I pretend not to remember, hoping I could dismiss it for the second time.

”there was a time that you said that you were depressed about something. C’mon, spill it out!”, I don’t know if that were the shots of alcohol talking through your mouth or the comfort level you have when you’re with me.

“Oh that, I just can’t get a certain person out of my head for the past couple of weeks now…” seems like alcohol has kicked into my system as well. My tongue started to slip and I didn’t seem to care one bit.

“Do I know this person?” I saw the oblivious look on your face. You always were naïve, but with that naïveté you managed to ask the one question I don’t want to answer.

The seas blew a cold breeze through the shore. I could feel it touch my face. I wanted to become deaf at that moment so as to have an excuse not to answer your question. For minutes I could only hear the soft whispers of the shore, and Eva Cassidy’s “time after time” playing from the CD player. Another few minutes and my heartbeat was the only thing I could hear. And the moment when I had reduce larger than life thoughts and feelings into mere words and punctuations drew near.

I wanted to stand up and leave you to wonder, but you know me to be unlike that. You know me to be honest with you on practically anything. I could turn it into a comic scene to avoid anymore tension from happening inside me, but I would miss my chance to finally say what I’ve always wanted to say.

“… it’s you…”

note: another fictional story

life really does play tricks on us

yeah, they really do.

Gel and Drew were friends since heaven-knows-when. Even if they went to different schools and had lives of their own, they never failed to keep in touch. More often than not the most sensible, honest, funny, and interesting conversations they’ve ever had were with each other. Gel was always open about her feelings and sentiments, and so was Drew. Distance was never their problem.

Then, the thing that endangers a perfectly good friendship the most happened.

Drew paid a visit. He needed to fix some stuff and thought he could probably spend some time with Gel since she was in the area and he had a couple of weeks to spare. They hung around a couple of times – joyrides to Enchanted Kingdom, arcade racing over at worlds of fun, bowling at galleria’s sky bowl, stargazing at Gel’s rooftop, burgers for dinner over at Burger King, coffee over at Figaro. They had tons of fun. People who saw them would think that their a couple. Well, they weren’t... until both of them had the guts to tell each other how they feel.

It was Friday. Both of them were walking along greenbelt with slurpees from seven eleven. Gel’s lemon green top and black denim jeans and Drew’s pink shirt and stone-washed jeans blended with Makati’s city lights. Their laughter blended with car noises along the busy streets of Ayala. And then it happened.

“I’ve been thinking…would you be alright with a long-distance relationship?”

A few moments of awkward silence…

“…let me think about it, okay?”

Though both of them liked each other, Gel had her doubts and fears about the whole thing. She would toss and turn in bed at night figuring things out. She was always the rational girl who would turn to life principles for hints on what to do. It was certainly better than to simply jump into a boat you more or less know is bound to sink. Call it a sign of maturity, but no one ever said maturity came with aspirin prescriptions.

They met up over at Powerbooks. Had their usual hi’s and hello’s, and went on to what they had to deal with. For a while it was clear that what they had wasn’t strong enough to sustain a long distance relationship, but the heart seems to get away with what it wants… a chance to be happy.

But like most good things, it doesn’t last that long.

Drew had a childhood sweetheart, and things were never clear between them. They bumped into each other one time at tower records. They caught upon old times over a couple of frappuccinos. Drew told Gel about his unexpected encounter. And because he’s the honest guy that he was, he even told her about their past, and how that encounter somehow dug up feelings that seemed lost. Saddened, she tells him to figure out what, or in this case, who he wants.

Days passed, Gel’s heart grew more worried. She knew that letting him figure things out was the right thing to do, but somehow she’s worried that things would take a very twisted turn.

Sometimes the right thing isn’t always the easy thing.

It was 2am, he called her. She was still awake. He asked if they could meet. She agreed. They both hung up, and continued to toss and turn thinking of what each one would say.

Mocha Blends. 3pm on a lazy Saturday afternoon. Both of them just sat there for hours, with alanis morisstte’s “that I would be good” playing in the background.

“so its over before it even began…?”

“sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

As silence was shattered, so did Gel’s heart. It was the longest thirty minutes of their lives.

An email came days after that incident.

Gel,
I guess an apology isn’t enough to make this all better. For what its worth, I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did. I wish I could do something to make things turn out differently, but I think the best thing I can do for now is to leave. Much damage has been made… I don’t intend to inflict more on you. Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from, for knowing how hard it is to make a choice and do the right thing. I hope that sometime in the near future, we could still be what we were – friends…

note: the whole thing is fictional...