better wirte this down before it wears off on me...
*sigh* saturday was quite something. we managed to surprise aki in her very own home. she's such a crybaby. hehe.
well, the party wasn't really that awesome. the word "celebrate" doesn't really fit in that scenario. aki's leaving. i never really took notice of it until recently. maybe due to the fact that i refuse to accept it. i know. i know i have to. there's really nothing much i can do about the situation, but as i've said before, i'm a stubborn ass. guess you'll have to forgive me for that. i've been accepting things my whole life, just becuase i'm helpless against the circumstances. frankly, i'm tired of it.
food was great. again, i've indulged myself in cholesterol and carbo at eight in the evening. there were talking, joking around... and then came a part where each one had to give a message to a parting friend.
heh, it was then that i've realized how weak i was. they say it takes a lot of courage to say something you've been keeping for a long time. it takes a lot of courage to cry in front of someone. it takes a lot of courage to be honest with someone. i think i've found that courage at that dinner party. that's something unsual, for me, at least. i tried not to let tears fall down on my cheeks. i was successful, but i failed to hold back everything i wanted to say. some actually slipped through my tongue. in my subconcious laid memories of her first question of me, "anong x-factor ng statsoc?" then came flashing memories of that 3pm lunch at mcdonald's, the roadpainting, that trip to villa escudero, that time when she sang hinahanap-hanap kita at bigshots, that phonecall when i told her that i love her but i'd rather let gabriel take care of her, and every other moment we had. my heart always caused me some sort of difficulty in breathing, but at that night i felt like choking... and my voice was cracking. i wanted to stay happy or at least show them that i was, but my thoughts and feelings wanted me otherwise.
it's sad to have someone close to you leave. i've always thought that if you know someone's worth, they wouldn't have to leave. guess i was wrong. this case proves it. --> that's twisted logic for you.
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them optimists say that in friendship, time and distance aren't obtacles... that friendship transcends that. SCREW IT. as much as i like to believe that, it's not always true. i don't know if our lives are intertwined enough to surpass distance and time. it's so hard to find friends like what i have right now. i won't give them up that easily. yes, our friendship may not be perfect, but whatelse is? i'm happy with my imperfect relationship with my friends, thank you very much.
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time may come people may read this, probably my friends. if that were to happen, i guess i'd just have to say how lucky i am to have a good set friends. it's more precious than winning in the lottery --> not that i don't want to win or anything... i don't know how to express gratitude for taking me in, making me feel i'm worth something, teaching me that the sick world i've come to realize isn't so bad a place to live in, showing me that life isn't just about pain, that it has a lot to offer, and that love IS possible. i'm happy i became friends with such good people.
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and to aki, i don't know if you're gonna read this, but here it goes.
i've already told you that i can't accept the fact that you're leaviing. i rather think of it as a long vacation, and that we could meet again to have late afternoon lunch, or paint the road on late sunday afternoon, or tell you about a new song that would fit your situation, or something like that. i feel like i'm going to lose another friend, and it scares the hell out of me... thinking that a couple of years from now you would barely recognize me, nor remember the things we've been through in college. i've always thought that life is unfair. they say you'll know the value of something when it's gone. i've always thought of you as one of my precious friends, knowing your value to me, knowing how much our friendship means to me, and yet why do you have to leave? i just don't get it.
guess you'll have to forgive me for two things: one; for being so stubborn - refusing to accept that you're leaving. and two; for being selfish - i'd rather have you here. i don't want to you to be reduced to a memory. a promise of keeping in touch doesn't seem assuring enough for me. i want us to still be able to do the crazy things we used to do when we were in college. i want to have you within my reach, just in case i want to run to you and tell my problems, my stories and anything else that's been flying in my head.
and in case you're wondering about the words of that last track in the cd i gave you here it is:
Piece Of My Heart
Keri Noble
Album: Fearless (2004)
Driving down the highway saying goodbye to it all
In between the blues and greens we're following the call
That takes us so far away from summer's sunny days
You know I'm missing you already and I can still see your face
Sitting underneath the stars with a cold beer and old friends
Talking 'til the sun comes up and then we'd do it again
Well you've become a part of me that I never want to lose
Until we come back together you know I'll be missing you
I can hear us laughing
I remember every part
I've got everything we ever did
It's tattooed on my heart
But there's a colder wind coming in
And blowing us apart
Until the summer brings us back,
You know you got a piece of my heart
Watching your taillights fading out of my sight
Feeling like the sun just lost a little bit of its light
But you've left your memories to linger, new memories to start
'Til the summer brings you back, you know you got a piece of my heart
i don't want to say, "i'm going to miss you" or anything else that implies parting ways. even if you told me to accept it. i still don't.
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ok enough mush. back to cynical-fool-waiting-for-the-weekend mode... *smirk*
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