was going through my folders to take out some garbage and free some disk space... and look what i found? =)
While waiting at Mc Café
What has happened to me?
Am I drugged? Perhaps.
Nostalgia fills my very core
For reasons beyond my erudition
Am I happy? Yes.
Why? That I do not know.
A timeless tale I lived under a cloak of misery
A heart once broken into a thousand pieces
Is this real? Maybe.
What is real? Frankly, a word seemingly inconceivable
Yet somehow it has no bearing to know
More so, to question such
Am I dreaming? I might be.
A dream I have no control over
Though it seemed like utopia
A feeling close to inner peace
Am I blinded? No.
I catch a glimpse of the world in a new light
One I’ve never seen before, or one I have forgotten
Life’s simple lesson that once was vague and blurred
Am I crazy? Possibly.
Circumstances dictate that I be dismal
Yet I feel otherwise
For I deem it is God’s will
Has my dark side vanished? No.
The beast has grown weaker
With no hatred to feed on
And more music soothing its anger
Though I thrived on chaos, panic and disorder
It somehow doesn’t matter
A wasteland ostensibly without escape
somehow has lost significance
When did this happen?
A moment of clarity as though struck by lighting
Defining moments in my life I could blame
Yet it is you I impugn the most
For you have shed light into this realm
Sadness melted by your smile
A sense of tranquility brought about by your presence
A warmth of love bestowed by your touch
And if in this lifetime I be forbidden
And denied happiness within your embrace
I would bend rules and destroy kingdoms
Only to see the sparkle from your eyes
Is love the cause of all this?
A word I once dread
A word, which has left me torn
Now comes back to resurrect me
Perchance it is love
But now has better perception
A love that is willing to wait
And enjoys the time of waiting
A love that will appreciate
And accept daggers of reality
A love that brings me close to you
And closer to the one who gave you to me
here's another one. it's untitled. hehe.
As I wander in a seemingly alternate realm
Filled with uncertainty, fear and doubt
I came across an angel
I can only see through mirrors
A sweet grin that brings the summer breeze
Upon depths of curiosity
And eyes that sparkle like diamonds
Veiled with interest and mystery
And as I hie to slumber from a weary day
I find myself in the comfort of her sight
Is this a dream? Or so it seems
That I have been thinking about her
Who are you? I may ask
Yet I received no response
I gazed at her as she stood
Puzzled by how and why it was such
Could this mean anything?
Or am I in a reverie?
Dazed once by a stranger
Enticed forever by her smile
And so when all is said
And my thoughts are poured into words
I am yet to wake up another day
Hoping to know her even more
my copy of "emancipation" was corrupted. i barely remember the lines to it... oh well.
its rather good that words don't haunt me these days... hehe. hopefully i'll be able to write a happy one.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Thursday, September 22, 2005
i'm tired...
its weird that i'm all stressed out and i can't even make sense out of it and put it on paper...
as for what i think, i don't know what to think anymore...
as for what i feel, i'm sure. i just need guts. is that a bad thing?
as for what i believe in, they are constantly being tested. i am shaken and disappointed in myself.
perhaps i've been in bed for too long. perhaps i've been resting for too long. perhaps i've been enjoying life too much i refuse to think anymore. i hate it when i realize that i'm wrong. i hate it when i realize i've hurt someone. i hate that everyday i realize that i know less and less about love and relationships.
i don't know what to think anymore... i just don't want to lose myself to someone again. i'm tired of picking up pieces of myself after someone breaks me into thousand pieces.
as for what i think, i don't know what to think anymore...
as for what i feel, i'm sure. i just need guts. is that a bad thing?
as for what i believe in, they are constantly being tested. i am shaken and disappointed in myself.
perhaps i've been in bed for too long. perhaps i've been resting for too long. perhaps i've been enjoying life too much i refuse to think anymore. i hate it when i realize that i'm wrong. i hate it when i realize i've hurt someone. i hate that everyday i realize that i know less and less about love and relationships.
i don't know what to think anymore... i just don't want to lose myself to someone again. i'm tired of picking up pieces of myself after someone breaks me into thousand pieces.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
another downer
who would've thought a fun adventure to the unknown would result to breakdown, on my part at least...
was suppose to meet sarah last tuesday to teach her qualitative methods. we had breakfast together, talked, joked around - that was lots of fun...
she wanted me to meet her bestfriend, ace, but he wasn't home. we ended up going to pampanga, where we strolled around 2 malls. we stayed at starubucks and had a couple of hot white chocolate while i teach her what she wanted to know. there were side stroies in between sessions, we were laughing. it was lots of fun...
we watched wedding crashers, honestly, i didn't understand the film at all. we were talking a lot during the movie. now i know something was wrong with her... but i ignored it. it was lots of fun...
had dinner at jollibee, and talked about religion. she and her family were deeply religious, and it was a complete shock for her to know that even i am catholic, i don't pray the rosary anymore (others might think its shallow, but its a big deal for her). she remained silent for a few hours while we were figuring out our way home (yes, none of us knew how to get there, adn how to get home). i could sense sadness and disappointment in her. she wanted someone who has the same beliefs as her. i won't change my beliefs just so to please someone. now we have more problems than uncertainty...
we went to her place and talked about our situation (for the nth time), but to no avail. nothing was cleared out. we just realized our similarities in terms of thinking. it was like talking to myself, along with the gestures and stuff. it was a bit weird, but i learned how difficult a person i was. i mean, i know that i'm difficult, but i didn't i was THAT difficult. then i wondered if two difficult people could work out in a relationship... among other things... she doesn't seem to know how to love, yes its weird, but from where i'm standing - with all the things happening around me, nothing seems to be normal. being the seeker of truth that i am, i tried to find out why she feels nothing...
sometimes finding out the truth doesn't feel good at all...
turns out she still loves this guy in her past. the one who brought her confidence back, the one who loved her unconditionally, the one who wrote her a poem with shallow words (yeah, call me bitter. i prefer "critical"). perhaps that's the reason she feels nothing when she's with other people, she needs to express her love for the guy but she can't, so she does it with people she's comfortable with. unfortunately, i'm falling for her... and she doesn't even believe it. who would? its been 3 1/2 weeks. how can someone fall in such a short time?
the solution:
i need clarity. she needs to settle her issues with her guy. we both need a breather. a month would be ok. no communication, no hi's, no hello's, no "eat your dinner", no "goodnights" and "sweet dreams", no "take care" and "i miss you". nothing. everything happened so fast. it can't be true. its too good to be true (a line we both agree on).
on uncertainty:
maybe i am being unfair. i don't want to get my heart broken, yet i don't guarantee her anything. i want her to be sure, yet i, myself, am not sure...
sarah's friends tell her she might just be fond of me because i tend to stimulate her intellectual side. she told me that she has never met anyone who can argue with her and stand her POVs. she's not sure if her friends are right. she feels comfortable being around me, but she feels nothing. perhaps her friends are right. if that's the case, i'm in for another heartbreak. yes, i don't love her yet. maybe i just don't want to believe it, but i'm sure that my feelings are at a level where heartbreak is possible...
on rationalizing things:
it was then that i realized how weird we can be - rationalizing things that we're suppose to feel. i want to believe that God gave her to me to love... but now i tend to realize that perhaps she was given to me to make me understand that i'm not really living my life... i'm only thinking about it... and so was she. we talked until 12:30 am, she didn't want me to go home anymore. i slept (or at least tried) at her place. i kept thinking why she behaves the way she does, and if whole thing would result in a relationship or if its just another learning experience...
morning came and i went home. i took a shower and still thought about tuesday's events... there were poem lines tormenting my head... so i tried to put them into writing. i couldn't find them when i sat down in front of my screen... lifehouse's "everything started palying... and i started to breakdown... tears filled my keyboard as i heard the lines, "you're all i want, you're all i need, you're everything, everything..."
i'm very much spent right now. i need to talk to someone... but i guess there will be times when no one will be around, just me and my PC... and so i write this... i hope my heartbreak won't be complete... i hope september ends quickly...
was suppose to meet sarah last tuesday to teach her qualitative methods. we had breakfast together, talked, joked around - that was lots of fun...
she wanted me to meet her bestfriend, ace, but he wasn't home. we ended up going to pampanga, where we strolled around 2 malls. we stayed at starubucks and had a couple of hot white chocolate while i teach her what she wanted to know. there were side stroies in between sessions, we were laughing. it was lots of fun...
we watched wedding crashers, honestly, i didn't understand the film at all. we were talking a lot during the movie. now i know something was wrong with her... but i ignored it. it was lots of fun...
had dinner at jollibee, and talked about religion. she and her family were deeply religious, and it was a complete shock for her to know that even i am catholic, i don't pray the rosary anymore (others might think its shallow, but its a big deal for her). she remained silent for a few hours while we were figuring out our way home (yes, none of us knew how to get there, adn how to get home). i could sense sadness and disappointment in her. she wanted someone who has the same beliefs as her. i won't change my beliefs just so to please someone. now we have more problems than uncertainty...
we went to her place and talked about our situation (for the nth time), but to no avail. nothing was cleared out. we just realized our similarities in terms of thinking. it was like talking to myself, along with the gestures and stuff. it was a bit weird, but i learned how difficult a person i was. i mean, i know that i'm difficult, but i didn't i was THAT difficult. then i wondered if two difficult people could work out in a relationship... among other things... she doesn't seem to know how to love, yes its weird, but from where i'm standing - with all the things happening around me, nothing seems to be normal. being the seeker of truth that i am, i tried to find out why she feels nothing...
sometimes finding out the truth doesn't feel good at all...
turns out she still loves this guy in her past. the one who brought her confidence back, the one who loved her unconditionally, the one who wrote her a poem with shallow words (yeah, call me bitter. i prefer "critical"). perhaps that's the reason she feels nothing when she's with other people, she needs to express her love for the guy but she can't, so she does it with people she's comfortable with. unfortunately, i'm falling for her... and she doesn't even believe it. who would? its been 3 1/2 weeks. how can someone fall in such a short time?
the solution:
i need clarity. she needs to settle her issues with her guy. we both need a breather. a month would be ok. no communication, no hi's, no hello's, no "eat your dinner", no "goodnights" and "sweet dreams", no "take care" and "i miss you". nothing. everything happened so fast. it can't be true. its too good to be true (a line we both agree on).
on uncertainty:
maybe i am being unfair. i don't want to get my heart broken, yet i don't guarantee her anything. i want her to be sure, yet i, myself, am not sure...
sarah's friends tell her she might just be fond of me because i tend to stimulate her intellectual side. she told me that she has never met anyone who can argue with her and stand her POVs. she's not sure if her friends are right. she feels comfortable being around me, but she feels nothing. perhaps her friends are right. if that's the case, i'm in for another heartbreak. yes, i don't love her yet. maybe i just don't want to believe it, but i'm sure that my feelings are at a level where heartbreak is possible...
on rationalizing things:
it was then that i realized how weird we can be - rationalizing things that we're suppose to feel. i want to believe that God gave her to me to love... but now i tend to realize that perhaps she was given to me to make me understand that i'm not really living my life... i'm only thinking about it... and so was she. we talked until 12:30 am, she didn't want me to go home anymore. i slept (or at least tried) at her place. i kept thinking why she behaves the way she does, and if whole thing would result in a relationship or if its just another learning experience...
morning came and i went home. i took a shower and still thought about tuesday's events... there were poem lines tormenting my head... so i tried to put them into writing. i couldn't find them when i sat down in front of my screen... lifehouse's "everything started palying... and i started to breakdown... tears filled my keyboard as i heard the lines, "you're all i want, you're all i need, you're everything, everything..."
i'm very much spent right now. i need to talk to someone... but i guess there will be times when no one will be around, just me and my PC... and so i write this... i hope my heartbreak won't be complete... i hope september ends quickly...
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