that whole taking one step back thing
i failed...
after almost a month of taking a step back... i couldn't help it.
yesterday i sent her an email. i was the first one to initiate the conversation this time around. i just miss her badly. though people around me say that what i was doing was the right thing to do... to me, it didn't feel right anymore.
it didn't feelt right to supress myself from expressing what i feel. i once read an article that says we should tell the people we love and care about how we feel. when we miss someone, we should tell them. if we feel like hugging someone, we should give them a hug. if we love someone, we should tell them, or better - we should show them. its a nice way to live. i see nothing wrong with it, which is why i'm having a hard time keeping everything inside.
going about this the wrong way
perhaps...
change should come from within. you can't change if you don't want to. maybe that's my problem. i don't want these feelings to go away. for some strange reason, i want to hold on to them, even if i know its a losing game for me. for some reason, i can't kill these feelings... maybe because i'd be killing a perfectly good friendshhip with one great person...
if i'm going about this the wrong way, which way is the right one?
my talk with jenny
she thinks loving someone else is something i can't do... perhaps as long as cham's in my life. i hope not. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to be loved in return. but how do i go about this? would it just be fine if she was never sweet? never caring? never the annoying, gorgeous biatch i came to love again? is she being selfish by doing these things to me? without thinking i may take things the wrong way? without even considering tha i may actually be having a tough time moving on? how i wish everyone else was like jenny. she still considers the other person's feelings and status before doing something. i wish i had more people like that in my life...
back to work... i just hope i don't hear kyla's version of "'til they take my heart away"... i get teary-eyed. i wish i could say all these to cham. i wish...
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
...........
two weeks of depression, and having to put on a happy face just so i can avoid the freakin' question, "are you alright?" ofcourse i'm not alright. i'm slowly losing a friend! would anyone be alright with losing someone close to them? someone you treasure a lot? someone you love? i'm guessing no.
the upside of things is that i get to talk to a lot of people, and realize and feel their concern for me. it almost makes me cry to know that they were genuinely concerned for me. i also realized that my problem is a difficult one. at least now i'm quite comfortable feeling frustrated. before i used to think i shouldn't be so sad about something so trivial and insignificant. now, i really do have reasons to be sad.
the downside, besides the obvious, is that i'm slowly becoming comfortable with this. its easier to take two steps back. its easier not to talk to her. its easier to ignore her. is this supposed to be a good thing? am i supposed to be happy that i'm fine not talking to one of the few people in my life i can actually consider my friend? i still get teary-eyed when i think about this whole situation i got myself into. having to choose between ending the pain by enduring more pain, and being hopeless by pretending to be perpetually numb. what makes it worse is that the person involved has no clue of what's going on.
been grumpy for the past few days. not in the mood to do anything that is even remotely related to college friends. everything just doesn't seem to make any sense. i just want to spend some time alone. do the things i wanna do. finish my turn for the comics, watch a movie, sleep, go somewhere quite and peaceful... and just cry.
guess this song hits the spot...
"Here By Me"
3 doors down
I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood
So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong
Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever know gets swept away
Inside of your love…
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here
Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
the upside of things is that i get to talk to a lot of people, and realize and feel their concern for me. it almost makes me cry to know that they were genuinely concerned for me. i also realized that my problem is a difficult one. at least now i'm quite comfortable feeling frustrated. before i used to think i shouldn't be so sad about something so trivial and insignificant. now, i really do have reasons to be sad.
the downside, besides the obvious, is that i'm slowly becoming comfortable with this. its easier to take two steps back. its easier not to talk to her. its easier to ignore her. is this supposed to be a good thing? am i supposed to be happy that i'm fine not talking to one of the few people in my life i can actually consider my friend? i still get teary-eyed when i think about this whole situation i got myself into. having to choose between ending the pain by enduring more pain, and being hopeless by pretending to be perpetually numb. what makes it worse is that the person involved has no clue of what's going on.
been grumpy for the past few days. not in the mood to do anything that is even remotely related to college friends. everything just doesn't seem to make any sense. i just want to spend some time alone. do the things i wanna do. finish my turn for the comics, watch a movie, sleep, go somewhere quite and peaceful... and just cry.
guess this song hits the spot...
"Here By Me"
3 doors down
I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood
So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong
Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever know gets swept away
Inside of your love…
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here
Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
And everything I had in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.
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