pamura lang

since wala akong masabihan nito lately...

tangina...

yun lang. salamat blog.

blogthings

got this one from one of aki's testimonials... i might just post this on my sidebar when i get around renovating my blog. again. haze told me it's too creepy, so i'll make it a little lighter - though i've reside myself to thinking that white can never be my color. atleast not during these days.

Your Birthdate: March 27

You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything.You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life.Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal.You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return. Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge Your power color: Cobalt blue Your power symbol: Dove Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2 weeks before september. 2 weeks before my rise to power... hehe. ;p

week update

tuesday: nagkita kami nila raoul at jacque para kunin yung souvenirs para sa tatay ko. first time ko kumain sa pao tsin. first time ko rin makakain ng kulay green na kanin. nag-icecream din kami ni pareng raoul kahit may sakit ako. kesehodang lumalala ang ubo ko, basta kakain ako ng icecream. usap din kami ni jacque pauwi tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay. mag-a alas diyes na yata ako nakarating ng bahay.

wednesday: treat ni sir jaime sa north park, glorietta. wala nang sasarap pa sa libreng pagkain. nandun din sila anne at marco. medyo panget nga lang pwesto nila kaya di kami masyado nakapag-usap. kasama rin sila bugs and gez (na kelangan pang pilitin para sumama. hindi ko ugaling mamilit ng tao. buti na lang hindi panget ang mood ko nung gabing yun.). buti na lang wednesday yung treat, kung hindi malamang hindi na naman ako makakasama. makakarinig na naman ako ng "ganyan naman si arnel eh, hindi talaga sumasama sa mga lakad" na comment. minsan ayos lang sakin na mahiritan ng ganun, pero medyo nakakairita na kapag laging hinihirit na parang ayaw ko talagang sumama. di ko naman kasalanan kung may iba akong dapat gawin (i.e. pumasok sa school, magreview). hinatid ko rin si gez sa sakayan ng fx sa may landmark. syempre gabi na naman ako nakauwi, pero ok lang. busog naman ako. nakita ko pa ulit sila sir jaime.

thursday: wala naman dapat akong lakad after ng klase ko. balak ko (balak lang naman) na mag-aral sa stat 280 kasi dalawang araw na lang at exam ko na, wala pa rin akong alam. biglang nagtext si chill:

"gusto mong manood ng 'tulad ng dati' sa UP film center?"

"kelan?"

"tonight. last screening na 'to."

"waah! gusto ko pero wala akong pera.."

"50 pesos lang yung ticket."

"sige."

di ko alam kung sadyang magaling mag-sales talk si chill o kaladkaring bata lang talaga ako.

di ko alam kung anong panonoorin namin, gusto ko lang makita sila chill. indie film pala yun na kasama sa cinemalaya. mukhang ni-require sa socsci II yung movie kasi ang daming tao. sa monoblock chairs na kami naupo. maganda yung movie, atleast alam ko na ang history ng bandang 'the dawn'.

nung matapos yung movie, may live performance ang the dawn sa labas ng film center. may libreng jagermeirter din. first time ko nakainom nun. first time din namanhid yung dila ko dahil sa alcohol. nakatatlong test tubes ako (yun yung ginamit nilang shotglass. naiuwi ko pa yung huling test tube ko). astig pa rin sila tumugtog kahit 20 years na sila sa music industry. hindi naman ako fan ng the dawn, pero astig yung live performance nila. maayos yung kanta nila at makikita mo talagang may talent, di katulad ng ibang banda ngayon gaya ng hale na maganda nga ang music sa airwaves pero panget sa live performance. kaya lang sila sumikat kasi gwapo si champ. di rin sila gaya ng cueshe na sumikat kasi... hmmm... teka, bakit nga ba sila sumikat? napa-autograph ko rin yung ticket ko sa band members. pero parang walang natuwa nung shinare ko yung kwento. (sabi ko nga wag mag-expect ng kahit ano sa mga tao eh..)

naglakad kami mula UP hanggang philcoa, wala na kasing jeep palabas ng UP. akala ko liquid diet ako nung gabing yun, buti na lang kumain kami sa jolibee. napunta na rin sa pawis yung tama ng jagermeirter. alas-dos na kami umalis ng philcoa. alas-tres y medya na ako nakauwi ng bahay. dalawa't kalahating oras lang ako natulog. may pasok pa kinabukasan, pero ani cham, "kebs". grabe, sa halagang 50 pesos, nakapanood na ako ng magandang movie, may live rock gig, at may libreng alak pa. thank you talaga, chill. you really are coolness personified.

friday: wala pa rin akong alam sa stat 280, at medyo overtime pa ako. hindi kasi ako nagbabasa. sabi kasi sa note na iniwan ni mafe sa akin, may program na na naka-save sa pc. syempre ako, nag-type pa ulit. buong araw ko halos inaral yung program, kalahati lang napagana ko. ayoko rin gamitin yung binigay na template sa akin. sumuko ako ng bandang alas-syete y medya. sabay na kami umuwi ni cate. ayala daan namin. sakay sya ng bus, mrt naman ako. umuulan pa nun.

saturday: sabi ko sa sarili ko, kapag wala akong nasagot sa exam, id-drop ko na lang yung subject. di ko rin naman naiintindihan, nakakasagabal pa sya sa pangangareer ko sa prob theory. hindi naman nya ako natutulungang kalimutan yung dapat kong kalimutan. pero meron naman akong nasagot. yun nga lang, 50% na yung max grade na pwede kong makuha. sana open book na lang yung exam. oh well..

punta kong tennis court pagkatapos ng exam. dahil kay jenny, sinubukan kong maglaro. well, hindi naman sya laro talaga. more of training. nakakapagod. masaya pero medyo mahirap. nasanay siguro ako masyado sa badminton. alas-syete y medya kami natapos. kain kami sa rodics. tapos uwi na. pag-uwi ko sa bahay, saka ko lang binuksan yung exam ko sa prob. bagsak. oh well, bawi na lang ako sa 2nd exam.


eto nga pala yung lyrics... leche relate na naman.

Tulad ng Dati
The Dawn

Wala na akong makita
Sa iyong mga mata
Dati rati
Isang tingin ko lang
Alam ko na
Alam ko na

Bakit ngayon Ika'y nababalot
Sa kulay ng hatinggabi
Nagtatanong
Nangangarap na aking
Magisnang muli

Kung may bagyo
O kung tag-araw
Sa iyong damdamin

Sana ay makilala kang muli
Tulad ng dati
Halika at lumapit kang muli
Tulad ng dati

Wala na kong maramdaman
Sa iyong mga kamay
Dati rati
Isang hawak ko lang
Alam ko na
Alam ko na

last week

monday: monday? forget about monday. monday sucks.

tuesday: after taking that probability exam, i got to watch this with vinz and jiena:












it had some funny scenes, but a break up really isn't something people should make fun about. its quite fun to do what the teaser says: pick a side, but enough arguments for me... atleast for now.

wednesday: after an attempt to save money by bringing packed lunch and buying one rice from the canteen. i found myself having dinner with haze, vi, and bry:

oh, and i got to meet claire, too. she's a friend of vi's - quite cute, actually.

thursday: probably the earliest time i got home. ofcourse, school won't let me off that easy:

friday: finally... i got to go with officemates. haven't gone to kenny rogers for a while. haven't got to walk around makati at 10pm either. a little comfort food. a little chat. a little fun. i hope i'll have one of these some other time. =)

'til i hear it from you

haha.. yeah, call me inconsistent. i'm all confused myself.. ;p

'Til I Hear It from You
Gin Blossoms

I didn't ask
They shouldn't have told me
At first I'd laugh, but now
It's sinking in fast
Whatever they've sold me

Well baby I don't want to
Take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you

It gets hard
The memory's faded
Who gets what they say
It's likely they're
Just jealous and jaded

Well maybe I don't want to
Take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you
Until I hear it from you

I can't let it get me off
Or break up my train of thought
As far as I know, nothing's wrong
Until I hear it from you

Still thinking about
Not living without it
Outside looking in
Til we're talking about it
Not stepping around it

Maybe I don't want to
Take advice from fools
I'll just figure everything is cool
Until I hear it from you

injustice

the rainy days tend to bring out a certain feeling of warmth - a feeling of wanting to stay close to the people who matter to you. it makes you want to just sit beside your bedroom window with soothing music on the background and a cup of hot choco or coffee *hums a cup in hand...*, or read a good book you haven't gone around finishing due to the hustles and bustles that is your life.

but no...

instead i need to get to work... and if by some miracle upper management calls them off, i have karr's book on probability to deal with while my siblings continue to sleep or glue themselves to the computer chair.

*sigh*

signs (?)

i realized something after a talk with one of my christian officemates. it was quite different from the ones i've been hearing, and it really breaks my heart just thinking about it.

#########################

when i got to hear mass at office lunchbreak, the gospel was about total surrender to God's will. i nearly shed tears. nakakahiya lang kasi kasama ko si cate.

#########################

yesterday as i while i was my way home, paula cole's "i don't wanna wait" suddenly played in the background.

...i don't wanna wait, for our lives to be over
i wanna know by now, what will it be?
i don't wanna wait for our lives to be over
will it be yes or will it be sorry...

#########################

if you're taking the north expressway you'd probably notice the goodyear billboard flashing at the balintawak tollgate. it's suppose to flash "GO GO GOODYEAR".
last night, after that dawson's creek them song i looked up and saw this unsolicited advice flashing thought the night sky.

GO, GO, GO...

#########################

i haven't gone reading peyups articles for a while. when i did visit the site, this was the first one that caught me.

#########################

my paranoia's getting the best of me. again. the annoying thing about signs is that they're everywhere, but you really can't rely on them... let's see in a couple of weeks...

2-week review...

-had a haircut and dyed my hair brown
-recieved 3 different msgs saying that a loved one of someone i know passed away
-played badminton for the 2nd consecutive week
-got to hear mass at office lunchbreaks
-went to a training i wasn't supposed to take
-had free food for 3 days
-had a venti choco chip frap
-laughed at my sister when UP won over UST
-yet to prove that there exists an irrational number between 2 distinct real numbers
-went home earlier than usual
-pass up on a chance to watch a basketball game to review for an exam scheduled less than 2 weeks
-throwing comments on a stranger's blog

not really a "wala lang" entry

its funny how the simple things can have such great influence over what seems to be a stressful situation...

i'm just thankful i got a break from it all, even it was just for an hour or so...

God really does know what we need and when to give it.
...

random thoughts (for the nth time)

random text messages

cate sent me this message last friday:

girls are special ones created by God…

if you praise her, she thinks you’re lying
if you don’t, you’re good for nothing

if she talks, she wants you to listen
if you listen, she wants you to talk

if you kiss her, you’re not a gentleman
if you don’t, you’re not a man

if you agree with all her likes, you’re a wimp
if you don’t, you’re not understanding

so simple yet so complex
so weird yet so beautiful
that’s a girl – a non-understandable creature, whom guys love a lot.

– two words: annoyingly true…

the next day, roan sent me this:

part of the reason why
we hold on to something
so tightly for so long
is because we fear that
something so great
won’t happen twice

– i hate it sometimes when i can relate.

yesterday, hazel sent me this:

something to ponder on:

never let someone be your priority,
while allowing yourself to be just their option…

– ouch…

-----------0-----------
wasted 2-hour effort

i was doing an art project last friday night and got carried away that i forgot to save my work. I didn’t realize i was already working with a 20mb file. my pc crashed and i had to terminate photoshop. 2 hours of work wasted.

-----------0-----------
bye pam…

my friend, pam, just left for the states to work as a nurse. she told me the news the day before she left. she was even wanted to go out saturday. she said she wanted to "unwind", had she told us the real reason, we would've gone along with it.

well, i wish her luck. and i didn't get to tell her that i'll miss her, too.

…until the next drinking session.

-----------0-----------
stat alumni assembly

i got to see my friends last saturday at the stat alumni assembly – its just nice to see them again. and i got a free pen from citibank.

-----------0-----------
prison break + grey’s anatomy

i can’t get myself to watch the cds i burned. i don’t know, maybe i just refuse to become a couch potato (no offense to prison break and grey’s viewers). i’d rather sleep...



...

hhhmmm...

i'm starting to sound like an annoying dog barking in the middle of the night...

i need to shut up now...

after office update

can't think of a title...

monday. back to my 7:30-4:30 work sched on mondays and thursdays to accomodate my 6pm class. going home is a little bit of a hassle. lessons are a bit boring, as they are just a sort of review of undergrad topics.

tuesday. went to church with cham and haze. i've been wanting to go to church since last week. i finaly got to. it felt rather nice. thanks guys.

janess told me about debi's farewell dinner. it was a chance to see the secret society once again. though i was a little quiet due to media discussions, i had fun. and lots and lots of pasta and chicken - chill, that was one of the best pastas i've had in a while. thanks.

wednesday. met with jenny as per my officemate's request (he wanted to apply for a credit card, or so he says), plus i borrowed prison break and grey's anatomy to burn. had dinner at burger king. little chat on things and whatnot.

thursday. i went to chill's gig at katips after class. she promised an acoustic set. thought i needed some form of relaxation. kinetic daze and narda performed. they're actually good. the place was small, but i really didn't mind. i was sitting on the floor near the stage. i got to hear some acoustic originals and covers from the likes of incubus and dishwalla to name a few (kinetic daze did some justice to the songs). for once i got to empty my beer (yes, beer. isang bote lang naman eh) for more than 10 minutes. hehe. i hope i can attend the gigs more often, but right now i'm financially constrained, plus i had a hard time going home from katipunan.

friday. the only day i didn't had plans after work - perhaps because i'm already broke. i wanted to go to glorietta but i figured taking the mrt at the ayala station would be a pain, so i decided to go home instead and worked on art projects. i have a few more sketches i haven't scanned. i'll work on them when i get back from hearing mass.

saturday. i was supposed to go jogging in the morning. but i got hooked on PS again. i missed the library as i got to campus at lunch time. i went to church to hear the afternoon mass, then had rodic's porkchopsilog for lunch.

to my sursprise, sir jeff, sir doods, and ramil bataller were my classmates in my stochastic differential equations class. it's pretty much theoretical - so i need to brace myself for some major headaches every saturday.

dropped by cyberzone to bring my sister's cellphone for repairs. they told me to return on monday. hell, by the time i get to sm, they'd be closed.

here's to more after-office activities. i hope i'm not getting too old for it.

a little take on fate

Ever read one of those “choose you own ending” books? It’s like a regular novel with you as the lead role and along the course of the story, you are presented with situations where you need to choose – whether to open a door or not, whether to head north or pull over a nearby gas station, whether to let someone go with you or let them stay where they are. Each choice asks you to turn to the designated page and then the story continues. The story is quite dynamic, and the readers can have different endings depending on the choices they make.

I was in my first year in the seminary when I encountered these books. They were fun to read at the time, as they were only short stories plus the book isn’t that thick so you won’t have that ugh-it’s-so-long-i-might-get-bored feeling when you start reading. I never really related it much on other things like fate.

Over the recent years I started hearing discussions on fate. Just yesterday I got a text message from anne that tells something about fate.

Do you believe in fate – that all would fall into place?
Kahit gaano katagal ka pa mapalayo sa mahal mo…
You’ll meet each other one day.
Just remember “fate builds a bridge of chance for someone you love”

Being the loser that I am, I couldn’t help but react. Most people think that fate is when “things fall into place” – that fate is something that is bound to happen whether we like it or not – whatever we do, the result will be the same. I just thought, what about free will? If fate is to be defined as such, then it would contradict the notion of free will. Or perhaps most of us understand fate at a certain level. I feel like a preacher again, but what the hell.

Take the book I mentioned earlier as you life. It’s dynamic – with a lot of twists and turns. It’s unpredictable – you don’t know for sure what will happen tomorrow, and that’s what makes life exciting.

Fate can be viewed, in the context of the book, as the set of consequences being presented – consequences that, in some way, are bound to happen. Opening the door could lead you to a murder scene or the culprit’s hideout – from there you’ll be asked to turn to the ending page. Not opening it gives you more time to explore the rest of the book, helping you find more clues to solve a mystery crime you should’ve encountered had you opened that door. In the same way, God’s design is dynamic, with a lot of outcomes – including the impossible and beyond human thought. Fate is God’s design – a design that includes pain, misfortune, and hardships all “falling into place” alongside good fortune, joy and peace. Sometimes most of us fail to realize that “falling into place” doesn’t account for the good things alone… sometimes you’ll hear a lot saying “why can’t things fall into place?”. What they don’t realize is that it’s also part of the plan.

Another good thing about fate is that it starts somewhere: with one’s free will – the ability to choose whether to open the door or not, whether to head up north or pull over the nearby gas station, whether to let someone go with you or let them stay where they are. But unlike the fate most of us know that renders us helpless, fate defined as God’s design doesn’t force itself on us. It needs an answer to unfold – like the book, and each decision opens up a new set of possibilities, all of which are, in some way, bound to happen – depending on the actions you to take. Hence you could probably hear someone say something like, “we make our own destiny” or “we decide on our fate”. Well, not quite. God presents the options, not us. A sound choice could turn out completely disastrous for reasons that may or may not be logical. Those who associate fate with love could site some examples of what I mean. We have free will, but we do not have full control of our life. We are mere readers of that “choose your own ending” book and God is the author. What happens to us after every decision will still be based on the consequences presented by God. What makes it exciting is that not all consequences are seen – hence there are terms such as “miracles” – when a consequence which seems impossible to man occurs.

So, do I believe in fate? Maybe I do, but not the fate that renders me helpless, not the fate that accounts for the good things alone, but rather the fate that is God’s grand design – the fate that includes pain, misfortune, and hardships alongside good fortune, joy and peace, the fate that doesn’t force itself on us, the fate that allows us free will, the fate that strengthens faith…

it's back...

i finally got my pc to function properly, with all previous programs and a little something more - photoshop CS2. reviving my old hobby couldn't have a better timing.

this one's for practice. i haven't drawn/colored anything in months. i've had pending projects for monster concepts for heraldry:freija. this would be one of them.

anyhow, here's to more concepts to come.

friday night

i did say i wasn't going to turn to alcohol for comfort...

i did say i was going to cut down on gimiks to save up...well, i guess i'm now bad in keeping promises...

but hey, i think i needed to go out.

went out with officemates at congo grill last friday. food was rather cheap but good. the sounds were okay. the ambiance wasn't as warm, but who's complaining? had 4 bottles - a little more than usual. then stayed at an officemate's house 'til 5am. thanks guys. i needed a few laughs over alcohol.

slept through saturday. good thing stat 280A hasn't started yet.

and still i feel tired.

Lord, grant me clarity.

what sharing seats can get you

life will get a little complicated than usual now that school is just around the corner.

i was quite happy to wake up at around past 8 on a wednesday morning. for some reason, waking up late on a weekday is much more refreshing than waking up on a weekend...

registration isn't as much of a hassle as it was during undergrad years. i got to finish in a day. hooray for me.

lunch was rather interesting. jon and i went to beach house and lutong bahay to eat - both looked like box-office movie houses. we settled for than new korean stall over at shopping center. we were lucky to get a seat. while waiting for our food, a cute girl stepped in.

she was alone - making it virtually impossible for her to get a seat on any food stall on campus. she asked if she could share a seat with us. with a cute face like that, we were only stupid to say 'no'.

she had some stories to tell - school stuff to be exact. she was nice and cheerful. either that or she was just trying to be nice. i don't really care, though.

her name is pauline. she's 22, from the college of arts and letters, and graduating (hopefully) this year.

other than that, i got nothing. i could've gone back to get her number but that would be very obvious.

oh well, UP may be big, but it's not THAT big. maybe i'll bump into her sometime.

i suddenly remembered how i became friends with mylene (dionisio). i gave my seat to her on a bus ride home. funny how nice deeds can have interesting rewards.

thanks, for a rather fun lunch. i hope you finish your pending projects.

note: this one's real.
note to self: edit this poorly written entry

the irony of things

I was at a beach in a place I wasn’t familiar with. The cottage had a porch. The door was open as the sound of Norah Jones’ “come away with me” was playing in a rather peaceful blanket of darkness. It was around past 8 in the evening and the only view I had was the night sky, ornamented with the stars – probably one of the most serene moments in my entire life.

I’ve looked forward to a chance for a scenario like this to come to play. I had a beer in my hand as I blankly stare in the heavens, whispering to God anything and everything that came to mind.

You stepped out of the room, probably bored of whatever conversations you were having with the rest of our friends, or probably just wanting to go out for some sea-scented fresh air. You were in your lemon green pants, white tank top and brown flip flops. You found me sitting at the steps with my eyes fixed on what incubus described as a ‘back-flipped canopy with holes punched in it’. You were a little tipsy with the couple of baileys you had. Your face was red and you had a smile you can’t seem to wipe off for some weird reason.

“What’s up?” you asked, with that innocent tone in your voice.

”not much. I just got a couple of things in my head right now…” that was my usual answer.

“…things like what?” you start your ‘makulit’ questions – not that I don’t like them… I actually expected them from a tipsy you.

“Well, there’s problems with my family, a mild case of quarter-life crisis, a little problem with work and…”, again another default answer on my end. Though it was true, it only made up a small part of what I was thinking – something I promised not to do the moment I got off the confines of my stressful life in the city.

…and then you interrupted.

”you’re on vacation, do you really want to spend it on thinking about your problems? C’mon, I’ll get you some more beer.” you were your usual sweet self – a little tipsy, but sweet nonetheless.

“It’s not like you don’t know me… I can’t help but worry about things, even if you say I shouldn’t. But don’t worry, I’m working on It.”, with a shrug and a smirk on my face.

“You, what’s up?” not necessarily one of my protocol gestures because you asked me first. I really did want to know what was going on with your life for the past few months. I only had bits and pieces picked up from your blog. I rarely ask for details anymore – not because I don’t want to – probably more on getting myself used to not knowing anything about you. What a sad thought, huh? – considering you’re one of my closest friends…

You got up and went back to the room to get a beer – barely hearing what I just asked you. I grinned as I watch you walk towards the door. I looked up to the stars again, as I empty my third bottle of beer. Thoughts started racing again through my head like cars going a hundred and twenty miles per hour on all directions. I was always like that when left alone. I wish there was a cure to it.

You came back with another bottle, and a shot glass for your own.

“I’m good. I had a couple of fun times a fair share of downtimes. Other than that, I’m okay.”

You probably know that I’m not exactly famous for follow up’s, especially in the mood I was in that night… either that or you just didn’t notice and went on.

“You owe me a story…” you suddenly remembered that incident where you were asking me about something and I simply dismissed the subject by postponing it indefinitely.

“What story?” I pretend not to remember, hoping I could dismiss it for the second time.

”there was a time that you said that you were depressed about something. C’mon, spill it out!”, I don’t know if that were the shots of alcohol talking through your mouth or the comfort level you have when you’re with me.

“Oh that, I just can’t get a certain person out of my head for the past couple of weeks now…” seems like alcohol has kicked into my system as well. My tongue started to slip and I didn’t seem to care one bit.

“Do I know this person?” I saw the oblivious look on your face. You always were naïve, but with that naïveté you managed to ask the one question I don’t want to answer.

The seas blew a cold breeze through the shore. I could feel it touch my face. I wanted to become deaf at that moment so as to have an excuse not to answer your question. For minutes I could only hear the soft whispers of the shore, and Eva Cassidy’s “time after time” playing from the CD player. Another few minutes and my heartbeat was the only thing I could hear. And the moment when I had reduce larger than life thoughts and feelings into mere words and punctuations drew near.

I wanted to stand up and leave you to wonder, but you know me to be unlike that. You know me to be honest with you on practically anything. I could turn it into a comic scene to avoid anymore tension from happening inside me, but I would miss my chance to finally say what I’ve always wanted to say.

“… it’s you…”

note: another fictional story

life really does play tricks on us

yeah, they really do.

Gel and Drew were friends since heaven-knows-when. Even if they went to different schools and had lives of their own, they never failed to keep in touch. More often than not the most sensible, honest, funny, and interesting conversations they’ve ever had were with each other. Gel was always open about her feelings and sentiments, and so was Drew. Distance was never their problem.

Then, the thing that endangers a perfectly good friendship the most happened.

Drew paid a visit. He needed to fix some stuff and thought he could probably spend some time with Gel since she was in the area and he had a couple of weeks to spare. They hung around a couple of times – joyrides to Enchanted Kingdom, arcade racing over at worlds of fun, bowling at galleria’s sky bowl, stargazing at Gel’s rooftop, burgers for dinner over at Burger King, coffee over at Figaro. They had tons of fun. People who saw them would think that their a couple. Well, they weren’t... until both of them had the guts to tell each other how they feel.

It was Friday. Both of them were walking along greenbelt with slurpees from seven eleven. Gel’s lemon green top and black denim jeans and Drew’s pink shirt and stone-washed jeans blended with Makati’s city lights. Their laughter blended with car noises along the busy streets of Ayala. And then it happened.

“I’ve been thinking…would you be alright with a long-distance relationship?”

A few moments of awkward silence…

“…let me think about it, okay?”

Though both of them liked each other, Gel had her doubts and fears about the whole thing. She would toss and turn in bed at night figuring things out. She was always the rational girl who would turn to life principles for hints on what to do. It was certainly better than to simply jump into a boat you more or less know is bound to sink. Call it a sign of maturity, but no one ever said maturity came with aspirin prescriptions.

They met up over at Powerbooks. Had their usual hi’s and hello’s, and went on to what they had to deal with. For a while it was clear that what they had wasn’t strong enough to sustain a long distance relationship, but the heart seems to get away with what it wants… a chance to be happy.

But like most good things, it doesn’t last that long.

Drew had a childhood sweetheart, and things were never clear between them. They bumped into each other one time at tower records. They caught upon old times over a couple of frappuccinos. Drew told Gel about his unexpected encounter. And because he’s the honest guy that he was, he even told her about their past, and how that encounter somehow dug up feelings that seemed lost. Saddened, she tells him to figure out what, or in this case, who he wants.

Days passed, Gel’s heart grew more worried. She knew that letting him figure things out was the right thing to do, but somehow she’s worried that things would take a very twisted turn.

Sometimes the right thing isn’t always the easy thing.

It was 2am, he called her. She was still awake. He asked if they could meet. She agreed. They both hung up, and continued to toss and turn thinking of what each one would say.

Mocha Blends. 3pm on a lazy Saturday afternoon. Both of them just sat there for hours, with alanis morisstte’s “that I would be good” playing in the background.

“so its over before it even began…?”

“sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

As silence was shattered, so did Gel’s heart. It was the longest thirty minutes of their lives.

An email came days after that incident.

Gel,
I guess an apology isn’t enough to make this all better. For what its worth, I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did. I wish I could do something to make things turn out differently, but I think the best thing I can do for now is to leave. Much damage has been made… I don’t intend to inflict more on you. Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from, for knowing how hard it is to make a choice and do the right thing. I hope that sometime in the near future, we could still be what we were – friends…

note: the whole thing is fictional...

close to the end

...what? i like the song.

close to the end
mojofly

Have you ever felt being there?
Have you ever found the sunshine on your hair?
Have you been under your skin?
Have you ever found the beauty from within?

Like an unfamiliar song
You can hum with all your heart
But you'll never find the words

And I don't wanna wake up
Without you again, without you again, without you again
And I don't wanna wake up
Feeling so close, close to the end, close to the end... close to the end.

Have you ever thought of nothing else?
As I wake up each day until the moment I lay my head on my bed
And as I close my eyes and cling to my pillow
Though you're miles away I still wait for the day that would never come

The stars are bound to die
It all makes no sense
I can't take the chance
I don't want to see you go, see you go...

And I don't wanna wake up
Without you again, without you again, without you again
And I don't wanna wake up
Feeling so close, close to the end, close to the end... close to the end.

always on your side

another fave song... and in season too. =)

Always on Your Side
Sheryl Crow and Sting

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leavin' all the traces of the man you thought you'd be
Leavin' me with no place left to go from here
Leavin' me so many questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are we left to wonder, all alone, eternally
But is this how it's really meant to be
No is it how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

note to myself

i will only intoxicate myself with alcohol as a way of being there for a friend/s in need.

i shall not turn to alcohol for comfort. not anymore.

P.S.
cham: i hope you're home and asleep. i'm worried you're not answering my calls.
jenny: you're welcome. had i read your blog earlier, i would've given you a hug.

side trips

and here i was trying to save up since zambales robbed me of my money - not that i'm complaining, though.

videoke+beer. i was at cainta last sunday attending my officemate's daughter's christenning. i had quite a handful to eat. nothing exciting, just eating and hanging around with small talks and kupal hirits. come around 3pm, we went to sm north (i dunno why, but it sure works to my advantage as far as going home is concerned) for some videoke and beer. it was the first time i had beer with officemates. they were quite surrised at my tolerance level (which is not surprising at all, as it was just beer). had a good set of songs to sing and a continuation of kupal hirits. buti na lang i got to withdraw, it took me a while to find an atm machine. my wallet was sucked dry once again,but its all good.

de-stressing activity. gone bowling last tuesday. was a little disaointed being only 2nd on the first round, and 3rd on the 2nd (competitive, i know). went out for starbucks after, though i couldn't have another shot of caffeine as i was sti shaking from the mocha i had at work (must've put too much coffee in my drink, oh well).


luxury food+yellow cab x2. had it last thursday and friday. thursday was roi's birthday and he decided to treat everyone out. i also made a promise to treat them out when i get my midyear bonus. we decided to share on pizza. prior to that, i had a meeting at GPL and went out for lunch at my tea house. it was good food, though it would have been better if i didn't ay for it. hehe.
the project reached a major miles stone when bankard signed the user acceptance documents. had lunch over at ahsin (asian cuisine) c/o tita capella (she really IS my tita) after the meeting. when i got back to the office, our project manager treated us for pizza.

i really wished cholesterol wasn't a bad thing.

statsoc alumni meeting. went to UP yesterday to get my long overdue stat shirt and attend the statsoc alumni consultation meeting. there were a few attendees but i think the numbers were enough for us to get some plans done. got to see some old friends and acquaintances. a bit nostalgic. and fun, even if it was just lunch at mcdonald's.

a little something on tact

Note to readers: I may bore you with this reflection.

I just learned something today.

Sometimes you have to say things as they are – to say them in the manner that matches how you feel.

I have always thought that one should always take the other person’s feelings into consideration whenever saying or doing something. I have always thought that it was the right thing to do – because no one has the right to hurt another, even if they gave you the right to do so.

But then again, this may not be universally true…

Though it would be good to consider another’s feelings – to put one’s self in another’s shoes, it wouldn’t always be a good thing for several reasons.

Sometimes people need to hear the hard truth. Things said in a calm manner tend to be ignored. Sometimes, one fails to bring the message across, and so people will continue to act as if they heard nothing. A message delivered with the appropriate tone brings the message across, and to someone with an open mind, things will become clearer that way.

It’s a form of suppression. I personally stop myself from spouting harsh words towards another, especially when I’m angry. I often compose myself before saying things to someone – so that it would be objective, or at least, sound like one. But I think too much of another’s feelings that I tend to ignore my own. There would be times that I want to scream, times that I hoped that for once people would let me slide for being human, times that I didn’t have to worry about which words to pick so as not to hurt anyone. But for some reason I am most often overcome by the feeling of the one on the receiving end of the things I’m about to say/do.

Maybe I’m not as good with words as I am perceived to be… and so I worry about being misunderstood. Tch, there goes another reflection… maybe I should reexamine the lines I’ve drawn.

marking this day

this is the day that i went to war, with overlord tanks and MiG fighters...

and i lost to a bunch of mini gunners...

it was fun being a kid for a night.

note to myself: go edit this post when you have the time. ;p

*edit 05/14/06*

if you're familiar with command and conquer: generals, you'll know what i'm talking about.

got a chance to meet up with my college buddies. too bad jun and arnold weren't able to make it. had dinner at something fishy over at libis. the usual kupal hirits and barrel of laughs and pseudo-intelligent discussions. nothing much has changed, or perhaps we just acknowledged the changes without having full knowledge of what they were.

went straight to an internet cafe to play. i haven't had practice with any PC games lately, so it's quite understandable that i lose. pathetic excuse, i know.

spent my saturday watching anime videos c/o sir jaime. i'm a little nostalgic from watching street fighter. the weather was perfect: cloudy and windy, but not rainy. just another lazy day.

note to all moms: happy mother's day
note to readers: greet your moms. give 'em a nice warm hug.

*edit 05/17/06*

went to my officemate's daughter's christening in the afternoon. i was suppose to stay home and celebrate mother's day but both my parents were out, so what the heck.

it was kinda fun - the first time i get to go out with officemates and sas people. we just pigged out at marco's place and went rockstars and balladeers at encore at sm north. had a few pitchers of beer, some cholesterol food, and a lot of laughs. it was a nice way to end/start the week.

double entry

signs of working

This would probably be the first time I felt that I was actually working.

Overtime. Though I can get off at six, I tend to extend for atleast an hour more – not because I had to go babysit sas people, but because I actually have work to do. Deadlines aren’t so strict, atleast not just yet, but I’d rather do my tasks than to stay in doing nothing. It’s the first time I stayed at work ‘til 12mn. I even got sick because I was working late and going to work early. People can call me ‘loser’ now.

Conflicts. There was a time that I couldn’t submit a deliverable because of overlapping tasks. I’m virtually serving 3 masters, and there came a point that I don’t know who to obey first. This wasn’t the case with my former job even I was a research associate to 4 PhD professors.

Actual work. Not the clerical ones, though I still get that every now and then. I’m doing some project-related stuff now – even got to write my first macro program, and actually having something sensible to say during meetings.

Though it doesn’t seem so boring now, I still want to do more with this job. Maybe I’m just too eager for my own good, but I hope I can learn more new things soon.

some odd things

I want to play around with pictures. I have this urge to do pictures and some photo manipulations. I’ve always imagined having my very own pictures framed to my walls – with family, friends, and nature being my subjects, probably because I got to watch ‘a lot like love’ during one of those long weekends. I also remembered some dawson’s creek pictures in black&white. I want to have pictures like those displayed in my room, and eventually in my own house.

…too bad I still don’t have photoshop installed.

I’m haunted by words again. The other day, words were repeating themselves over and over my head. I usually get this when I’m depressed. I got a hold of cate’s PC and managed to write a poem in less than 10 minutes – with words just popping out. I erased it after.

It’s a bad sign. I hope it was just because of the drugs I took for my colds.

I can’t seem to save. After zambales, I’ve been doing my best to save up since registration is less than a month from now. Plus my sister and I plan to invest on a mutual fund. Aside from the gifts I got from my birthday, I haven’t had anything new. I haven’t bought anything for myself lately.

…and still I find myself broke.

I couldn’t open as much as I could before. Ewan ko ba…

the zambales adventure

I finally got my wish for the summer – a break from work.

friday night to saturday morning. I was lucky enough to leave the office early. I had a meeting with bankard at around 4pm (which started at 5pm due to traffic and some unwanted events). I just hung around there after the meeting while waiting for office hours to be over. Vinz and I decided to meet up with jolee and the others at sm north. After buying the grocery items assigned to us (sorry haze, I forgot to buy yours), we headed to mc donald’s for a quick dinner (we anticipated that people will be arriving late, and we were already hungry) just to fill our bellies. When the rest of them (mae, aileen, majo, chona, shiela, and the earliest of them all; jenny. hehe ;p) came, we headed straight to angel’s place. There was a dinner party in celebration of angel’s birthday (last april 12th) and her sister’s college graduation. We had dinner (yes, since the first one was just a quick “rice snack”. hehe), and some alcohol (something I haven’t had for a while). Chitchat ‘til 3am, while waiting for hazel to come. Certain topics came out like that issue with the graduating batch, la salle being suspended from the uaap, pinoy big brother’s teen edition, expired canned goods being sold in unbelievably low prices, etc. geez, I have been confined at work longer and more badly than I thought.

on the road. we left at around 3am. thank heavens we had a ride of our own. I was having a rather hard time carrying 3 bags (one of which was my “work bag”. I was in a hurry before going to bankard so I forgot to leave it at the office). for some (or most) part of the trip, most of us were asleep (probably because of the vodka, beer and red wine we just had a t angel’s place). had a few stopovers here and there. then the place eventually became unfamiliar to me. It took around 4 hours before we finally reached zambales.

may dagat na. it was refreshing to see the ocean, and feeling the summer breeze touch your face. and not far was potipot island – a small island (so small you can actually walk the whole island) with white sand and clear waters. we had brunch (did we? hehe, sarap ng okay na okoy!) and then got ready to head for the island. we had to take a boat ride to get there. the scene was so relaxing. When we got to shore, there were a lot (but not as many people as in bora or galera – just enough to fill the good spots in the island). in hopes of finding a good spot, nilibot namin yung buong island at 1 in the afternoon (sorry angel, I think that was probably why you got sick). after going around the island, we found a rather nice spot. stayed there ‘til around 4pm. we had fun swimming and building sand castles while discussing just about anything we can think of. by 4pm, the boat was there to take us back to the resort. we came back sunday after breakfast. this time, we made sure we got the best spot in the beach. part two ng sand castle contest, nanalo kami (3 comcom ba naman eh. hinamon pa kami. ayun). Nagbabad kami hanggang 2:30pm yata (we had, no, wanted to attend mass at 4pm, so there).

pagkaing refugee. one of the simple things I appreciated during the whole summer trip was the food. really. in order to cut down on expenses, we decided to take canned goods with us – corned beef, canned sisig, canned meatloaf, instant noodles, instant pancakes, and hotdogs. for a moment I thought we were typhoon victims, but we were typhoon victims enjoying the sea and sand in zambales. we had them for brunch and dinner on saturday, and breakfast and lunch on sunday. fun part of it was kami yung nagluto. come sunday night, we treated ourselves to dinner in a resto sa kabilang resort. I even got to order beer.

some new things I got to try:

Margarita
Screwdriver
Daiquiri
That drink majo bought that tasted more like cough syrup. I forgot the name. oh well.
Floating
Walking around in my beach pants. I was having hesitation on wearing it, as it is a rather thin fabric.
Going around a whole island
Being buried under a pile of sand
Trying to find orion in a starry, starry night. Its rather hard. I couldn’t find it.
Sand castles

skl: the theme song for the whole trip was datu’s tribe’s “binibining sexy”. why? beats me.

Best part of it was that I got to spend 3 days with my friends. It was just what I needed, with all the stress I’m having at work. Thanks much guys. ‘til our next adventure.

a new fave

another "wala lang" post (what? its my blog afterall)

found this one in my PC. apparently one of my siblings downloaded this one. it a good song. really.

Far Away

by Nickelback

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know, you know, you know

[CHORUS]

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go

Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

One my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it allI'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know, you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away

Been far away for far too long

So far away

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know

I wanted

I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving

Hold on to me and, never let me go

after 10 years

makakarelate na rin ako sa mga ice age2 gestures. hehe. ;p

watched it just yesterday. last full show. with my siblings. it wasn't as funny as i expected, but i enjoyed it just the same.

yun lang. haven't watched a movie in a while.

its one of those days

Warning: this is not the usual happy thought you’ve been reading for quite sometime now.

I was at a meeting this afternoon with the head of my client's marketing and product development department. We were discussing details of the design for the project. I swear I could understand most of what was being discussed. I could even come up with sensible questions (the ones nikki wants us to formulate before actually going to a meeting).

Then it hit me.

Is this really what I want?

yeah, weird. I know.

Maybe this is just another “quarter-life crisis” attack of some sort. But I couldn’t see myself staying in a work such as this. Yes, it entails a lot of analysis, a little programming, and a lot of discussions with clients who, at one point or another, will become unreasonably annoying due to outrageous remarks and seemingly nerve-racking requests.

Maybe I’m not cut out for high-stress work.

Maybe I’m better off being my own boss.

Maybe I’m a lot happier doing the things I really want.

But that’s just it.

Sometimes I wish I was rich enough to be able to do the things that I really like – concentrate on the arts and develop whatever talent I have at drawing and digital painting. Learn how to do animations and possibly learn a little programming for gaming designs. I may not make much money out of it, but at least I have the rest of my life to try and perfect it and, one day, be recognized even by a small group of people – that the full-length animation I’ve been dreaming of doing would be shown at a local TV station once every week – that I get to finish one whole comic book series that would reflect present events and provide morals for everyone reading it…

Maybe I need to silence that kid in me for a while, or at least lecture him that there are things that we want to do, and there are things we have to do – for whatever reason…

another personal treat

haven't had beer for quite sometime...

haven't gone bowling since i made my career high, too...

yesterday i got to do both... and more.

a japanese (was it japanese? sorry, its not short-term memory loss. i just dunno if it really was japanese) meal for lunch with close friends while discussing details for summer outing was probably one of the best lunch dates i've had in a while.

went to bagaverde with cham, hazel, and vinz. last time i was in a bar was at capones (i think)... the bands (flipside and side a), were great, plus we had the chance to catch up on each other's stories - over beer ofcourse (nothing like alcohol to bond friends closer together). left the bar at 2am... smiling. tired, but smiling... =)

note: sorry for mentioning side A like an amateur band. you all know side A, yes? i'm not so much of a fan, but last night i got to appreciate their songs. =)

here's one fo them.

Set You Free
Side A

We often fool ourselves
And say that it's love
Only cause when it's gone
We end up being lonely
So how are we to know That it just isn't so
That we just have to let each other go

There were many times
When we shared precious moments
But later realized they were only stolen moments
So how are we to know
That it just wasn't so
That we just had to let each other go

(chorus)
If loving you is all that means to me
When being happy is all I hope you'd be
Then loving you must mean
I really have to set you free

Each day we meet my love for you
Keeps growing stronger
But everytime we meet
Makes meeting you so much harder
So how are we to know
That this just wasn't so
That we just have to let each other go

(chorus)

Letting go is not an easy task
When smiling feels like
I must wear this lonely mask
It hurts deep inside
And I just cannot hide
That there's anguish at the thought
That we should have to part

(chorus 2x)

a bunch of incoherent words

A word cloud is a visual depiction of content (words) used in a body of text. The word clouds we use at snapshirts.com are arranged alphabetically and depict more frequently used words in progressively larger fonts.

################################################

was blog surfing and i found a site that makes word clouds such as this. kinda cool, actually.

got this from snapshirt.com. try it, its kinda fun. =)

and don't ask what i'm doing up at 7 in the morning on a saturday, i don't know either...

missing somethings

friends
i just talked to aki on ym. haven't talked to her since heaven knows when. i just realized how much i missed her, along with other friends i don't get to see often due to busy scheds. i guess as you grow old (which i still refuse to admit), your 24 hours seem to get shorter and shorter. i try to keep in touch with people as much as i could, but i can only do so much.

drawing
i haven't drawn anything in ages. i was wrong in believing my mechanical pencil had an unlimited supply of lead. my hard drive space is too small for photoshop. i spend my time either catching up on sleep, on friends online, or on reading the 2 books LV lent me (i have a 1-month deadline on them, kinda demanding girl, don't you think? hehe). maybe its about time i put my inspiration onto paper, again.

badminton
haven't played for weeks now. how am i suppose to beat miss grace?! i just miss breaking sweats, having fun at court and gaining back all the calories after the game.

bowling
i made my all-time high during my last game, which i couldn't remember when (was it after statsoc's career talk?). i need to practice having probably 2 of the most important things in work: focus and stress.

soundtrip
i barely listen to radio these days. i have to leave home early for work. i don't have a handy fm radio with me (buying one would solve it, but i'd rather buy one with an mp3 player - which wouldn't fit my budget especially now that its summer). i also miss finding underground music with shiela (sorry ha? wala na akong mai-share na music). i got to listen to urbandub's new album while waiting for hazel last saturday after my last day at MS class. 'first of summer' really has a catchy melody - i find myself humming to it while walking to my SAS training a couple of days ago.

coffee
the last one i had was with my sister at coffee bean and tea leaf during my birthday. we had a good two and half-hour talk, something we don't usually do in the family. not really looking forward to coffee perse, but to the talks i have with people that goes along with it.

anyhow, here's the lyrics to urbandub's 'first of summer'. its not that deep, but i like it.

First of Summer
Urbandub

(chorus)
Parked car
This night sky
Makes city lights shine like diamonds
Our song plays on the radio

We're living it up
Make this night ours
We own the world
I wish this lasts forever
Alone with you tonight
Further in you feels so right
(chorus)

We're giving it up and just a little more
This heartfelt leap I surrender
With arms raised tonight.

(anywhere with you)

Drive me away
Cuz the night just feels right
Take me away with you tonight
Anywhere with you

Our song plays on
Parked car, night sky
Alone with you tonight

the duality principle and a message for broken hearts

one of the things i picked up from watching "charmed" was the mention of the universe's grand design - duality. people may find it a little crazy to believe in a notion that is formulated as part of a script made solely for entertainment purposes, but it makes sense to me. you can call me gullible, crazy even. its alright. i've been getting comments like that since i was in college.

i may just be paranoid in thinking that the amounts of happiness and sorrow around me have been re-distributed - making some people happier than usual (me included), and some people miserable...

i just couldn't find myself to be happy when i know (and feel) that the people i care about are having a rough time. it feels like a trade off. i become happier than usual - they end up with broken hearts.

crazy thought. i know.

enough geeky terms. i think i've been applying certain MS crap on regular sentences a little too much already...

the heartbreak epedemic

God has reasons for making things the way they are right now - including the pain and misery people endure (jenny, you're probably right. break-up scenarios are epedemic these days. i just wish there was a vaccine to avoid it). i trust that this pain is given to those who can handle it - probably becuase of several reasons:

they have been too happy, they forget
God has measures of reminding us of the things that matter. those who have placed their relationship, among other things, on top of everything else tend to be too happy that they forget to even say "thank you" to HIM. i don't want to sound like a preacher, but i have this theory that God takes away that which makes us forget about Him. He is, as the bible says, a jealous God.

things are going the wrong way
they say love is blind. others say that a person inlove sees the wrong things but doesn't mind. maybe there is some truth in these, but there are also some danger in it. more often than not, we don't realize we've been led astray by the very relationship we prayed that would make us "grow" to become better people in God's eyes. things have a way of ending itself whether we like it or not - either way it brings us pain and misery. we often ask why it had to happen, but the answers to questions such as this will reveal itself in due time - in God's time.

its a test
this can often be misleading...
every relationship goes though bumps, detours and flat tires - mainly to test on how much we want the relationship to continue. the challenge is, well, to not give up... atleast that's how most people view it. you can, however, view it as a test of faith - in God and His grand design for us. giving up doesn't mean failing the test. failure would be losing your faith in God's plans for you. we may not understand what's on His drawing board, but that's the challenge - trusting that His plan is far better than anything we can possibly imagine.

these are just some. i do not intend to provide people explanations as to why things happen. it a little selfish, actually - 'coz i'm probably the one using these notions as "excuses" to feel happy on my birthday. sadly (or maybe not), it didn't help me much. this year, my wish is for you guys, who have been my source of God's strength, wisdom, and courage.

you guys are put into situations becuase He has plans for you. He won't give you such pain that you can't endure. He wants two things: for you to become stronger, and for you to call out to Him. for those who know me, i don't tell people what to do or how to feel. this is just a perspective to help you see things in another light.

do i still need to mention that i'm just here? i'll do my best to become as positive as possible. afterall, the duality principle maybe governing us - meaning, there is enough positivity in the air to balance us out. we just have to see things differently... =)

note: apologies for the disorganized thoughts and incoherent sentences.