ganyan talaga...

i hate that phrase...

i've lost count of the things in this world that i had to accept because that's just the way they are. frankly, i'm tired accepting things without valid reason. --> or without any other reason besides the title.
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i had to accept the fact that my father couldn't be with us because he had to work abroad to support our family, even if it means missing out on the important moments in our lives. i remember having my first and only fight with him over religion. an icon of the cross is brought home every 2nd of october and is left home for a day. seeing it gives me the chills. yes, i am catholic but i do not follow certain traditions of the roman catholic religion i.e. communion, rosary, icons, having high regard for priests, nuns, decons, bishops, etc. my father grew in a catholic family, and was enraged by my reaction towards bring the icon home. i never complained about it before. he then lectures me on what to believe and what not to believe - while being mad at my self-constructed set of beliefs. it was the first time i cried because i was arguing with my parents. i often cry over sibling fights, but that one was different. i blurted out things i've been keeping inside.

was i supposed to wait for my father to come home to teach me about life, faith, religion, love and the like? was i supposed to put my life on hold? don't get me wrong. i love my father. i'm very thankful for him. i appreciate the sacrifice he had to take for us, but i was growing up. i needed answers to my questions. i needed to satisfy my curiosity. i needed to build my set of values. i needed to live. if he wasn't working abroad, i think we wouldn't have had that argument in the first place. but then again, i had to accept the fact that he HAS to work far from us. i hope he could accept the fact that i HAD to live my life, even if he wasn't around.
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i had to accept rejection. call me crazy, but i think i found love as early as 2nd grade. i remember uttering words like "swimming any sea" or "climbing any mountain" for her. cheesy, i know. but when she found out, i became a total stanger for two years. at an age like that i've experienced rejection and pain. i was helpless against the circumstances. i had to live my two years thinking i made a big mistake.

now that i'm 22, thinking of it makes me laugh sometimes. its useless to pose an argument over something that's long over and done, but to punish me for two years? at 2nd grade? don't blame me if i happen to turn out cold and bitter sometime in the near future. no one actually explained to me why i had to endure such punsihment. maybe that's why i'm having problems with getting a relationship. my heart got broken at an early age, and it never stopped there. it got broken over and over, until today. i have this flicker of hope that my wounds will heal, but a large part of me feels pain that is beyond healing. then again, that's the way love goes, as a song might say and i have to accept that.
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i had to accept that friends come and go. that i can't hold them close to me 'coz they have a life of their own, and doing so is selfish. i think i've mentioned this somewhere in my previous entries that, "the value of something/someone will be revealed to you when it is gone." i thought that if i know the value of things and peolpe around me, they wouldn't go. i guess i was wrong. i somehow believe marianne's comment of me about having some sort of "twisted logic".

i have no counter argument on this one. it just sucks to know that some friends wouldn't (or couldn't) stay for whatever reason, and there's nothing else you can do about it than to, ofcourse, accept.
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i have to accept that people aren't like me. they don't have the same standards as mine. they don't have the same set of values as mine. applying my standards on them would be unfair. i can't force them into wanting what i want.
let's take an example: promises.
i do everything in my power to keep my promise. if i can't do it, i won't promise it. but some people promise things that will eventually fade into thin air. i grow annoyed with this behavior. i always tell people, "don't make promises you can't keep...", a line i remembered from home alone2

then again, i cannot pass judgement on people just because we have our differences. funny as it is, i found a line in an anime series that struck me. it was rorouni kenshin - a conversation between kenshin and shishio during the end battle. shishio told kenshin, "don't judge me by your standards, kenshin. you don't know me at all..." i a way, he was right. one should pass judgement based on a certain set of values. heck one shouldn't pass judgement period. i just hate it when people don't understand me, that's all.
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ok this is enough. there a lot of other things i had to accept, but i guess it's not worth writing. besides, they all would get the same response, "ganyan talaga..."