question posed... i dunno the answer...
been talking to someone, whom shall be referred to as "M" a few days back, and guess who the subject is... yep, you got it right. it's about cham. now i know i've been through this a hundred times already. but hey, what can i do if she's an interesting topic for discussion?
it just surprised me that i tend to remember almost every moment she and i had in the last 3 or 4 years. and as i share every single moment, i felt more and more thankful that i have her in my life... that i didn't walk away from a damaged friendship... that i decided to stay.
now i wish this is just one of those days that i can't control my feelings and rationalize things without realities in check. being told that i am lucky that i'm close to someone like cham does make my heart skip a beat. afterall, its hard to find someone like her - an "angel", as "M" puts it. M's rather envious of my connection to her... i don't know if its worth the envy, though. my connection to her may be worth the envy, but its also frustrating to be just her friend... to see her in her highest of highs and lowest of lows, and see her being held in someone else's arms is just downright frustrating. i feel stings everytime i see that. but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it.
to be honest, i feel like i'm a proxy boyfreind everytime toff isn't around. we're sweet and all (seeing it from where i stand), but when toff's in the picture, i become part of the background. it's actually sad, lame and stupid of me to agree to such a setting, but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it...
i think constant exchange of emails with her isn't healthy also. there was a time when she sent an email just to let out some steam over a bullshit client. geez, i'm THAT close to her already? i feel some sort of comfort knowing that she opens up to me, though i'm scared out of my wits, fearing that this closeness will eventually lead to my demise... again. but for some strange reason, i'm fine with it.
maybe because i know where i stand - i'm just her friend... and i've accpeted that to a certain degree. and instead of whinning my ass off over the fact that i can't have her as someone more than a friend, i find a sense of appreciation that our friendship has gone through a very rough and rocky road... and that i'm not the only one who thinks that this friendship is worth keeping. besides, all i really wanted was for her to be happy. with toff, she seems to be such and i guess knowing that is good enough for me to set my feelings aside... hoping that one day i'd be the one making her happy.
last saturday's dinner was rather odd, for me at least. until now i still haven't adjusted to the fact (perhaps) that i'm already in her comfort zone. not that i don't like it, i just feel that i have to be more aware of my actions so as not to overstep some sort of line drawn between us...
perhaps its the fact that i'm already in vacation mode but still have to go to work 'til tomorrow that's causing me to think this way... sheesh... i better get another hobby...
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