a long weekend over

the long weekend's over. well, at least in terms of having to travel a long way just to face a computer screen...

i can't say the weekend boosted me up. heck, the only perk i had during those four days was that i could take naps. --> i really miss my bed, even if i sleep a full eight hours. got to think about the storyline for my project a little, go out with my siblings, watch a movie, sleep, sleep, and sleep. i had a "homework" i planned to do during the weekend, but i didn't even open the damn file. --> it's alright, i've finished it yesterday. it was eventually deemed "useless". oh well... *sigh*

i also took a leave from cyber space, i think for a couple of days. yesterday's absence was unintentional. didn't have access the whole day --> good thing i'm still alive. i wonder how i'll survive when i get a job that has no internet access. *shaking*

not in the mood to write either. i've spent a whole lot of energy and poured a large amount of depressed feelings on my sketch pad. --> oh yeah. i also got to make chibi versions of my main characters. it's in my wallpaper. i plan to work on the sub characters next.

topic for today: Love and HONESTY

and not that "honesty is the best policy" crap most people teach their children. --> no offense, it's a good saying. i just hate cliches.

it's being honest with one's self.

yeah, yeah it's a cheesy topic. but that's the best i can do for now. you don't like it, don't read it.

anyway, issue here is staying true to one's self as opposed to pretending. --> now don't give me that "it depends" kind of answer. that's bullshit. though i know my belief in the absolute meanings of words has its flaw, you still have to give your best to convince me that such an answer as "it depends" is valid.

i'm actually dumbass when it comes to hiding my feelings. one would almost automatically notice when i'm in a bad mood, excited, sad, problematic and the like. the most dangerous part of this behavior is that i say what i feel.

my argument: never let an oppurtunity pass you by without telling someone what you feel, 'coz it you may not have another chance to do so. --> cheesy, i know. ideally romantic, looking at it in a certain aspect, probably yes. but sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. --> do not ask me how much is "too much". that's not the point. as in this case, where one should say how he or she feels, it could potentially ruin a certain relationship. i've experienced this result over and over. i was lucky to have saved some friendships nearly destroyed because of that so-called honesty. i'm also unfortunate that i've lost friends because of it. either way, it's not a good feeling putting your relationship with someone on a highwire.

recently i learned how to hide what i feel. it seems to be working, though it still needs some honing. it brings me a good 15 minutes of peace and quiet, plus i get to avoid conflicts and unnecessary arguments with people. in matters of the heart, being too honest makes the mystery disappear. not to mention the unwanted attention by nosy people who would eventually make a big deal out of it until it grows beyond your control, resulting in a whole different story that causes misunderstanding between parties involved.

one can be honest with his or her feelings without having to say it out loud, right? but the thing is, while you keep quiet and keep your feelings to yourself, you start to feel this growing pain in your chest - the one that doesn't bleed and causes difficulty in breathing, sleepless nights, loss of focus, and frequent headaches. --> i can only speak for myself, but if there are others who feel this, welcome to the club. *shakes hand* keeping feelings inside would cause one to explode, blurting out things the wrong way or doing something that is completely incomprehensible. another effect of keeping feelings to one's self is pseudo-halluciantion - where you picture yourself with that someone, saying the things you want to say that seem so grand and larger-than-life, doing things together as if the world is your personal playground. that, somehow, detaches you from what is real. that can be bad sometimes. i am suffering from it as of this writing, but i tend to get a little help from a friend called "space". --> that's another story altogether.

personal take on things: i'd go for the latter. call me a wuss. i really don't care. it's a lot easier to avoid conflict than busting your balls to find a resolution. besides, the one i get into conflict with takes the easy way out - not saying anything. my heart's grown tired of being hurt, of waiting, of trusting, of believing, of wanting to be loved in return. someday, i may have to tell that someone everything i've been wanting to say. someday, i may have to reduce my grand and larger-than-life thoughts into inferiorly descriptive words - but when that time comes, hiding what i feel inside would just have to do.

message to God: i don't know if you read internet journals, but i pray that this week be not filled with sad thoughts such as this. one bad week would be enough. thank you.

oh yeah, i'm back... *smiles*