another downer

who would've thought a fun adventure to the unknown would result to breakdown, on my part at least...

was suppose to meet sarah last tuesday to teach her qualitative methods. we had breakfast together, talked, joked around - that was lots of fun...

she wanted me to meet her bestfriend, ace, but he wasn't home. we ended up going to pampanga, where we strolled around 2 malls. we stayed at starubucks and had a couple of hot white chocolate while i teach her what she wanted to know. there were side stroies in between sessions, we were laughing. it was lots of fun...

we watched wedding crashers, honestly, i didn't understand the film at all. we were talking a lot during the movie. now i know something was wrong with her... but i ignored it. it was lots of fun...

had dinner at jollibee, and talked about religion. she and her family were deeply religious, and it was a complete shock for her to know that even i am catholic, i don't pray the rosary anymore (others might think its shallow, but its a big deal for her). she remained silent for a few hours while we were figuring out our way home (yes, none of us knew how to get there, adn how to get home). i could sense sadness and disappointment in her. she wanted someone who has the same beliefs as her. i won't change my beliefs just so to please someone. now we have more problems than uncertainty...

we went to her place and talked about our situation (for the nth time), but to no avail. nothing was cleared out. we just realized our similarities in terms of thinking. it was like talking to myself, along with the gestures and stuff. it was a bit weird, but i learned how difficult a person i was. i mean, i know that i'm difficult, but i didn't i was THAT difficult. then i wondered if two difficult people could work out in a relationship... among other things... she doesn't seem to know how to love, yes its weird, but from where i'm standing - with all the things happening around me, nothing seems to be normal. being the seeker of truth that i am, i tried to find out why she feels nothing...

sometimes finding out the truth doesn't feel good at all...

turns out she still loves this guy in her past. the one who brought her confidence back, the one who loved her unconditionally, the one who wrote her a poem with shallow words (yeah, call me bitter. i prefer "critical"). perhaps that's the reason she feels nothing when she's with other people, she needs to express her love for the guy but she can't, so she does it with people she's comfortable with. unfortunately, i'm falling for her... and she doesn't even believe it. who would? its been 3 1/2 weeks. how can someone fall in such a short time?

the solution:
i need clarity. she needs to settle her issues with her guy. we both need a breather. a month would be ok. no communication, no hi's, no hello's, no "eat your dinner", no "goodnights" and "sweet dreams", no "take care" and "i miss you". nothing. everything happened so fast. it can't be true. its too good to be true (a line we both agree on).

on uncertainty:
maybe i am being unfair. i don't want to get my heart broken, yet i don't guarantee her anything. i want her to be sure, yet i, myself, am not sure...

sarah's friends tell her she might just be fond of me because i tend to stimulate her intellectual side. she told me that she has never met anyone who can argue with her and stand her POVs. she's not sure if her friends are right. she feels comfortable being around me, but she feels nothing. perhaps her friends are right. if that's the case, i'm in for another heartbreak. yes, i don't love her yet. maybe i just don't want to believe it, but i'm sure that my feelings are at a level where heartbreak is possible...

on rationalizing things:
it was then that i realized how weird we can be - rationalizing things that we're suppose to feel. i want to believe that God gave her to me to love... but now i tend to realize that perhaps she was given to me to make me understand that i'm not really living my life... i'm only thinking about it... and so was she. we talked until 12:30 am, she didn't want me to go home anymore. i slept (or at least tried) at her place. i kept thinking why she behaves the way she does, and if whole thing would result in a relationship or if its just another learning experience...

morning came and i went home. i took a shower and still thought about tuesday's events... there were poem lines tormenting my head... so i tried to put them into writing. i couldn't find them when i sat down in front of my screen... lifehouse's "everything started palying... and i started to breakdown... tears filled my keyboard as i heard the lines, "you're all i want, you're all i need, you're everything, everything..."

i'm very much spent right now. i need to talk to someone... but i guess there will be times when no one will be around, just me and my PC... and so i write this... i hope my heartbreak won't be complete... i hope september ends quickly...