another post...

i'm too tired to write. here's another article i worte during my boring days here in the office. i didn't submit this 'coz its too obvious... anyways...

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every chance i get

I need a break.

After nearly two years of laughing, arguing, hurting and forgiving, what seemed to me a vague memory has come back to haunt me in what I hoped to be a very hectic week.

I can still recall how radiant chrome yellow rays of summer sunset enveloped the confines of vinzons rooftop while we stayed at the logistics table, mastering the art of computing tambay hours without having to rely on a calculator. It was the first time I noticed you, the first time I heard what you had to say about things, the first time I realized you were hiding your sadness to the world… as am I.

I never had anyone tell me that I have been given responsibility to help you out as you represent the org in FOPC. Now that I’ve thought about it, I had absolutely no idea as to why I was going out of my way just to stay late at vinzons hall to compute tambay hours, carry large chunks of garbage bags filled with clothes that smelled like antiques buried in a forsaken closet, and help with whatever it was you needed help with. It just didn’t make sense. It was then that I realized that I may have actually fallen for you.

And then came my suffering.

I never imagined that it would be hard to stay friends with someone while holding back what I feel so as not to create any form of damage in our friendship. It’s self-torture. During those summer days we would play chess with the sole purpose of shattering each other’s ego. We would go down for lunch and talk about things both of significance and of not. We would joke around and laugh while packing rummages on garbage bags and carrying them to the rooftop. We would throw sarcastic comments at each other to see who gets pissed off first. We would go out for coffee after a days work at FOPC. I would be your stress tablet whenever things get to your nerves. I filled in for you once when you couldn’t attend a meeting because you were sick. You would run to me when you don’t know what to do.

I had no reason to drift away from you, except for the fact that I’m becoming more and more enticed by you every time I see your grin, your laughter, the sparkle in your eyes, your wit, your kindness, and your efforts to stay happy despite carrying a heavy heart. Each day proved to be more difficult than the previous one, as guys left and right try to win you over. You would tell me your stories of such guys over lunch and we would just laugh about it, until you found someone.

Days passed and I couldn’t hold back anymore. I had to say what I feel or else it’ll destroy me. And I did. Sadly, I ended up disappointing you. You thought you had found a friend who had no agenda whatsoever, but to your dismay I turned out to be just like the others. I can’t blame you. I wanted to be that friend. I tried. And I failed. But can you blame me? I didn’t intend for this to happen. It just did. I never planned on getting close to you. Heck, I didn’t even know why I was at that table that summer afternoon. I tried to hold back what I was feeling, but I guess feelings are something we have no control over.

Strangely enough, we managed to put that incident behind us… or so I thought I have. I was selfish enough to compromise our friendship so that you wouldn’t say yes to that guy. I guess it was lame. You eventually became a couple, but you never told me. I thought that was the end. At least I wouldn’t have to stick around, but it wasn’t the case. We got to talk about it, and again put it behind us.

And now here I am, still having to endure excruciating pain every time I see you with another guy. But I seem to have grown accustomed to the pain, making me feel less and less about everything around me. Not wanting to be too attached to someone so as not to feel pain anymore, but even so, I still want to see you at every chance I get.