thoughts on waiting

here's another article that didn't make it (or hasn't made it yet) to peyups.com. it's something i made out of a dream i had for about a night or two.
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thoughts on waiting

There I was sitting, waiting for the flight that will perhaps forever take me away from you. My eyes, moving from left to right, trying to look for a familiar face, yours. I closed them to rest, taking me back to a scene where I had to say goodbye to you, or at least it was a scene I pictured in my head since I didn’t have the courage to bid farewell – which left me with writing you a letter and placing it in your bag at dinner when I had the chance. I pictured tears, rolling slowly down my cheeks. I tried not to cry. It wasn’t so hard before, as the most heartbreaking moments in my life couldn’t force me to weep. I pictured a broken smile, one I tried to sustain while I tell you how you have made such a difference in my life, how much I love you, how much I was hurting, and how much I’m going to miss you. Yes, we have become good friends, close friends. But I still have these non-moderate feelings for you… and while I hoped for the day when you and I could become an “us”, I couldn’t put my life on hold for you. I have a life to live, but I couldn’t do it when I’m around you. It was just too much for me to handle. I pictured you in tears, hating me for making such a decision. It was so unfair. I pictured you with a broken smile, supporting me in my decision like the caring friend that you are, that you have always been. I pictured turning my back on you, and slowly walking away… struggling so as not to take a last look, fearing that if I do I wouldn’t be able to stand by my decision. I hear the sound of your lament, having lost a friend and a confidante.

I remember everything we’ve been through. All the laughs, the drunkenness, the tears, the confrontations, the forgiving, the small talks, the confessions, and everything else in between that made us reach where we are now. I had a great time, I really did. You were special to me, you still are. But I need to accept the reality that being your friend is the closest that I can get, and I can’t do that when we’re this close. That’s why I have to leave, even if I don’t want to. For my sake. Call it selfish, I’ll forgive you. That’s what friends do, right? Forgive. I hope you could do the same.

I opened my eyes, waking me up from that dreamlike scenario. I’m back at the terminal. It’s time. I remembered a scene from Dawson’s creek when Joey rushed to the airport to tell Dawson that she loves him too.

All this waiting makes my mind play tricks on me. Who am I kidding? Things like that only happen in fairytales. You don’t feel the same way I do. I get that. Forgive me for thinking otherwise.

Time to get my bags. Its useless looking for you. I know you won’t come… but I really, really wish you would.

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that's enough for the day. i'll post the others next time...