wow, talk about an emotional rollercoaster...
i knew newton's third law of motion would come into play sooner or later. i was happy for the past week, but now i think i'll be sad for more reasons than one...
the most unlikely reality check
guess i got what i wanted. a reality check. but i didn't expect it to come from the very same person invovled. its not that i don't appreciate it. i just feel stupid in having to tell her what's going on in my head. i'm thankful enough that sarah has a very open mind, what makes me sad is the fact that she tells me she accepts me for who i am, but she can't accept the culture i'm very much familiar with. two people coming from different worlds shouldn't be together - that's total bullshit. whatever happened to love transcending all things? yes, i know what i feel for her isn't love, yet. to be honest i don't know what it is... i just hate it when someone tells me things can't be even without trying. life is to be lived, not thought about. mistakes allow one to learn and grow stringer and wiser. why am i now forced to think things like these? if this is a mistake, why am i not allowed to make it? its my mistake after all?
going back to the source
i feel sad that even when i'm trying to move on and find someone to love, cham always manages to get into the picture. its hopeless. we're hopeless. she's happy. what else am i to do? wait? fight? hope? i've done that. it all resulted in the same thing: nothing. why is it that when i'm finally ready to let her off the hook, i'm being pushed back to dealing with it? and by the very same person i want to pursue? i've told her how i feel already? why do i have to tell her again? what's the point? its hopeless. we're hopeless.
maybe love isn't for me
i'm tired of having my heart constantly broken. i'm tired of picking up the pieces. i'm tired of being sad. maybe i should just concentrate on ther things to better my life... find a new job, focus on making my art better, study. i'm losing hope on love. right now i don't even want to feel anything. i don't want to think about anything. i just want to disappear. i wish i have a reset button. i really am pissed...
as for my cure
perhaps it will never come. i'm gonna die like this. there is no cure. i'm only kidding myself. perhaps pulling away is the only way to make this less hard...
Monday, August 15, 2005
Thursday, August 11, 2005
looking for reality checks...
aki doesn't seem to do a good job at it. jenny's another wacked job, cham won't even listen to what i'm gonna say, haze is the proponent of the forget-cham movement, and it feels weird talking to a guy... what to do? what to do?
its thursday, and sunday's event still lingers in my mind, not to mention the daily exchange of messages and texts keep me thinking about sarah. its not that i don't think this is a good thing. like i said, she might just be my cure, but i find this encounter a little too fast... and i find it weird that we discuss things that are better left undiscussed, though i appreciate that she's open to almost every topic i throw at her. she manages to answer personal questions as if she had a cheat sheet on hand. i thought i had things figured out, but she makes me look like a confused idiot.
this new-found closeness with someone i haven't seen in 10 years is really starting to scare me. how did this happen? how is it that i feel so at ease when i'm with her? i could understand if we've been in touch for a year or so, doing stuff together like what i do with haze and the others, but to meet after 10 years and have an almost instant closeness comparable to what i have with my closest friends i spent at least 2 years with... that doesn't make any sense...
again, its not that i'm not happy to have found another great person in my life, but for this to happen in a very short span of time is beyond me. could i have feelings for her? no, i can't. it simply doesn't make sense. i didn't expect my date with her to be barrels of fun, and i'm really looking forward to seeing her again. but why?
could it be that i'm just overwhelmed by the attention she's been giving me? perhaps. i have to keep to straight head. i can't think of things beyond what they are. and if she really IS my cure, i should take things slow. step-by-step. why am i even bothered by this? i have all the time in the world to know her better. why am i making a big deal out of this?
looks like i only have God to ask. i'm not expecting anyone to give me reality checks right now, since this is not cham...
its thursday, and sunday's event still lingers in my mind, not to mention the daily exchange of messages and texts keep me thinking about sarah. its not that i don't think this is a good thing. like i said, she might just be my cure, but i find this encounter a little too fast... and i find it weird that we discuss things that are better left undiscussed, though i appreciate that she's open to almost every topic i throw at her. she manages to answer personal questions as if she had a cheat sheet on hand. i thought i had things figured out, but she makes me look like a confused idiot.
this new-found closeness with someone i haven't seen in 10 years is really starting to scare me. how did this happen? how is it that i feel so at ease when i'm with her? i could understand if we've been in touch for a year or so, doing stuff together like what i do with haze and the others, but to meet after 10 years and have an almost instant closeness comparable to what i have with my closest friends i spent at least 2 years with... that doesn't make any sense...
again, its not that i'm not happy to have found another great person in my life, but for this to happen in a very short span of time is beyond me. could i have feelings for her? no, i can't. it simply doesn't make sense. i didn't expect my date with her to be barrels of fun, and i'm really looking forward to seeing her again. but why?
could it be that i'm just overwhelmed by the attention she's been giving me? perhaps. i have to keep to straight head. i can't think of things beyond what they are. and if she really IS my cure, i should take things slow. step-by-step. why am i even bothered by this? i have all the time in the world to know her better. why am i making a big deal out of this?
looks like i only have God to ask. i'm not expecting anyone to give me reality checks right now, since this is not cham...
Monday, August 08, 2005
a great time ten years in the making
i simply can't pass up on writing about my day yesterday...
recently i found a very old friend at friendster. she was my adviser's little sister... her name is sarah. last time we were together was 1995. i was in sixth grade and she was in fifth grade (what exactly is it with this batch that draws me closer to them?!?!). i really don't have much memories of us together. i only remember her name, and that fact that she's my teacher's sister. which made yesterday something i wasn't totally expecting...
i saw her from another friend's list. i wasn't sure if it was really her, so i sent a note to verify my hunch. an expected reply came to me soon after. she still talks in a very feisty voice. it seemed she didn't recognize me from my pictures. anyway, i was right. it IS her.
then come pouring the seemingly endless list of questions from her side. i was happy to bump into her again, since i had her number before but i lost contact when my phone got snatched. the only weird thing i found in her questions was the fact that she wanted to knw about my lovelife, of all things. and being the gullible person that i am, answered her question. and to be fair, i asked her back, but i rather hear it in person, hence our "date" yesterday...
we met up at 10am, then went to megamall. along the way, we never stopped talking... even when we were having lunch. she's KAKULITAN personified. after lunch we decided to go see a movie. too bad i picked one that doesn't suit her taste (the island. its a good movie, but she didn't like those small things crawling into ewan mcgregor's eye, and the medical surgery parts). she slept halfway through the movie. hehehe. i told her to remind me not to go see something like that when i'm her. she slept on my shoulder, taking my jacket for a blanket, while i hold her hand to keep it warm. she snuggled up when it got colder. it was a good feeling... especially when its someone who accepts you as who you are, after such a long time of not having any form of communication... i felt... at home with her. i didn't have those gitters in meeting someone i haven't seen for a long time. i didn't feel that i had to make an impression. i didn't feel i had to pretend to be someone else. i felt at ease. i felt like myself when i was with her... at that time, i was happy...
after the movie, we held hands through the rest of the day. it felt nice. we teased and tested each other's patience. we had barrels of laughs. and even though we were joking around, we still made sense in what we were saying...
it was sad that i didn't get to accompany her home. she took a van to malolos while i tokk one to balagtas... the day's events lingered on my mind as i was headed home. it made me smile. it was really an unexpectedly great day with a person i didn't expect to have such a great time with. i know i already thanked her, and she probably won't read this, but thanks, sarah. you might just be my cure...
recently i found a very old friend at friendster. she was my adviser's little sister... her name is sarah. last time we were together was 1995. i was in sixth grade and she was in fifth grade (what exactly is it with this batch that draws me closer to them?!?!). i really don't have much memories of us together. i only remember her name, and that fact that she's my teacher's sister. which made yesterday something i wasn't totally expecting...
i saw her from another friend's list. i wasn't sure if it was really her, so i sent a note to verify my hunch. an expected reply came to me soon after. she still talks in a very feisty voice. it seemed she didn't recognize me from my pictures. anyway, i was right. it IS her.
then come pouring the seemingly endless list of questions from her side. i was happy to bump into her again, since i had her number before but i lost contact when my phone got snatched. the only weird thing i found in her questions was the fact that she wanted to knw about my lovelife, of all things. and being the gullible person that i am, answered her question. and to be fair, i asked her back, but i rather hear it in person, hence our "date" yesterday...
we met up at 10am, then went to megamall. along the way, we never stopped talking... even when we were having lunch. she's KAKULITAN personified. after lunch we decided to go see a movie. too bad i picked one that doesn't suit her taste (the island. its a good movie, but she didn't like those small things crawling into ewan mcgregor's eye, and the medical surgery parts). she slept halfway through the movie. hehehe. i told her to remind me not to go see something like that when i'm her. she slept on my shoulder, taking my jacket for a blanket, while i hold her hand to keep it warm. she snuggled up when it got colder. it was a good feeling... especially when its someone who accepts you as who you are, after such a long time of not having any form of communication... i felt... at home with her. i didn't have those gitters in meeting someone i haven't seen for a long time. i didn't feel that i had to make an impression. i didn't feel i had to pretend to be someone else. i felt at ease. i felt like myself when i was with her... at that time, i was happy...
after the movie, we held hands through the rest of the day. it felt nice. we teased and tested each other's patience. we had barrels of laughs. and even though we were joking around, we still made sense in what we were saying...
it was sad that i didn't get to accompany her home. she took a van to malolos while i tokk one to balagtas... the day's events lingered on my mind as i was headed home. it made me smile. it was really an unexpectedly great day with a person i didn't expect to have such a great time with. i know i already thanked her, and she probably won't read this, but thanks, sarah. you might just be my cure...
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