sad

wow, talk about an emotional rollercoaster...

i knew newton's third law of motion would come into play sooner or later. i was happy for the past week, but now i think i'll be sad for more reasons than one...

the most unlikely reality check
guess i got what i wanted. a reality check. but i didn't expect it to come from the very same person invovled. its not that i don't appreciate it. i just feel stupid in having to tell her what's going on in my head. i'm thankful enough that sarah has a very open mind, what makes me sad is the fact that she tells me she accepts me for who i am, but she can't accept the culture i'm very much familiar with. two people coming from different worlds shouldn't be together - that's total bullshit. whatever happened to love transcending all things? yes, i know what i feel for her isn't love, yet. to be honest i don't know what it is... i just hate it when someone tells me things can't be even without trying. life is to be lived, not thought about. mistakes allow one to learn and grow stringer and wiser. why am i now forced to think things like these? if this is a mistake, why am i not allowed to make it? its my mistake after all?

going back to the source
i feel sad that even when i'm trying to move on and find someone to love, cham always manages to get into the picture. its hopeless. we're hopeless. she's happy. what else am i to do? wait? fight? hope? i've done that. it all resulted in the same thing: nothing. why is it that when i'm finally ready to let her off the hook, i'm being pushed back to dealing with it? and by the very same person i want to pursue? i've told her how i feel already? why do i have to tell her again? what's the point? its hopeless. we're hopeless.

maybe love isn't for me
i'm tired of having my heart constantly broken. i'm tired of picking up the pieces. i'm tired of being sad. maybe i should just concentrate on ther things to better my life... find a new job, focus on making my art better, study. i'm losing hope on love. right now i don't even want to feel anything. i don't want to think about anything. i just want to disappear. i wish i have a reset button. i really am pissed...

as for my cure
perhaps it will never come. i'm gonna die like this. there is no cure. i'm only kidding myself. perhaps pulling away is the only way to make this less hard...