grey area

now where do i draw the line?

been having too many thoughts on thi set up thing i have (yes, its another cham-rant. you don't wanna read it? don't. its that easy).

last friday i had dinner, bowling, and coffee with haze, vinz, jolee, margie, jenny, raoul, and cham. its was the usual "short noticed" gimik which turned out to be a lot of fun. i enjoyed the chats during bowling and coffee. i got to talk to jenny about her lovelife, i got to talk to jolee about random things, i got to talk to vinz about semi-work stuff, i got to tease haze, i got to see cham.

though it was said before that no one's gonna treat anyone, i ended up treating them to coffee... i dunno. i wanted jolee and jenny to stay longer. i promised haze coffee before. i promised cham coffee before, might as well treat them all to avoid issues. that coffee talk at seattle's was fun - just what i needed in a rather stressful week.

the cham part (you may stop reading from this point on if you're bored. ^-^)
when she arrived, her greets were,
"naiinis ako sa'yo..."
in a comical, partially-meant tone. apparently, she hasn't dropped that topic about the guy who texted me to greet her in her birthday. its very typical of her to ask me over and over until i give in. well, as much as i want tell her, i can't. i made a promise to keep him anonymous. what surprised me was when she said,
"ano ba yan, ayaw man lang mag-offer na dalhin yung bag ko..."
though i know that to be a joke, i'm surprised (in a happy way) to know she can joke around like that... like she wants me to take care of her (or maybe i'm hallucinating again). she got off the gym before meeting us, hence the big bag with shoes and other stuff. got another pic of us, in jr's phone. ^-^ got to talk about a lot of things with jr and jolee. i didn't realize how much i miss talking about non-work-related things with jolee and jr. there were the intellectual discussions, philosophical, and plain bullshit. hahaha! try arguing about the phrase "love like an angel"? with a group of people who get high on fraps.

time to go home, cham doesn't know how to go home. i could've stayed with her while she waits in makati, but i made a promise to jenny and jolee that i'll accompany them home. i wanted to accompany cham, but she refused since i already made a promise. besides, the last thing we need is another issue. ok, point taken. but i got to walk her to the other side of the road and wait until she gets a ride.

this level of closeness really is starting to scare me. my walls are falling apart again and i can't talk myself out of the "i maybe falling for her again" state with the "wake up, you idiot! she's already happy. just be happy for her" line. i still say things like that to myself, to somehow stop whatever it is i'm feeling again. i know i love her, but i dunno if its right to feel that way towards someone who only sees you as a friend, a close friend...

that comversation i had with a friend really didn't give a clear view of what to do, "what's important is the answer to the question, 'where are you in her life 5-7 years from now?'"

bottomline: if my feelings for her are THIS strong, i should be willing to wait. let her be happy, and if in the long run something happens, bad or good, i'll still be there for her... talk about martyrdom.

someone slap me, please.