i'm trying to justify my hard-earned money on cds i bought the other day. thought i'd help the local music industry once in a while. besides, i've been hearing a handful opm songs on the radio that seem to tickle my fancy, unlike most opms that are either too mushy or too "jologs" (geez, people in this country will do anything, ANYTHING just to earn money). call it a slight change in genre (or whatever). perhaps i could find a sense of relaxation and peace in listening to this country's artists/bands who deserve more credit than what is given them.
my excon-turned-friend-coz-he-has-no-money high school classmate showed up at my doorstep this morning. again. as expected, he's broke. and guess who's helping him with his cashflow problem? congratulations!! you are correct. yours truly, ofcourse. now forgive me if i sound so cold and mean and any other bad term you can relate to my behavior in this scenario. but i'm trying so hard to save up even to the point where i can't buy the things i want, when i want. and then this guy comes up to me and says he might borrow from me some dough come december because he's getting married!! again, forgive me for not being happy but what the fuck was that about?!?! what am i? his savings account?!?! i never gave my mom part of my salary and here is a stranger who walks around with 8k of my money off to spend it on falsifying documents so he could get his life back together. believe me, i have nothing against him getting his life back, but through means like that?! and you think i can lecture him on what's good and bad? he might just stab my throat the moment i get on his nerves.
there goes 300 bucks... damnit.
its almost 11am, and still i have nothing to do. well, actually there is. but i am so bored reading minutes and striking out irrelevant comments, checking grammar and spelling. not that i'm complaining, but i'd rather have an excel sheet and compute numbers, or make graphs, or run some tests than to read and sanitize minutes.
my 2 cds ran out of songs. back to the usuals...
next time i'll try to write down the things i want to do. for my sake. this state of "not having direction" has got to stop.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
a cure in writing
i was quite surprised when my boss called and invited us to lunch. it may have something to do with what my officemate told her - the things that bother me. how can i say no to my boss? besides, i had a feeling it was a free lunch at chocolate kiss, why pass up on such an oppurtunity? afterall, it would just be a small talk.
her opening words where, "so tell me about your other misoppurtunities...", with a smile on her face as she walked through the door. then came out the pseudo-ranting-but-its-ok story from yours truly. being the indifferent person that i have become (for a reason i know but can't seem to figure out), i put little to no restraint in what i wanted to say. bottomline, she thought i was KSP. maybe she's right. maybe i am just a sucker for attention that i tend to create silly theories and long for someone i can talk to just to get noticed. there it goes again: another thought created as i write this rather attempt to organize my thoughts and have a better understanding of myself. i do wish this works. and i wish these voices in my head could just stop even for a second.
i have trust issues. twisted as it is, its not the usual i-dont-tell-secrets-coz-i-dont-trust-you kind of issue. heck, i can tell my secrets to a stranger having coffee at starbucks at 10 in the morning. thing is that i can tell these secrets not because i trust the person, but more of not caring if such information of me will be used against me. my boss agrees with me. it IS twisted, but that's how it is. she told me to settle it coz it will only bring me further hardship in marriage and relationships (if ever in enter one). point taken. i may just change it, i just don't know how.
i have no direction, if not lacking of such. my boss begs to disagree. "there are reasons for the life you lead", so she says. she even offered to lend me "the purpose driven life". maybe it could help me, or perhaps would have an adverse effect on me, as do other books i've read. i just need to see a goal clearly. its so hard to focus on it with all other worries haunting my head every single day. not to mention the frequent wallowing on things that, for most people, and i agree, really don't matter. i know i have to change this, too.
those would just be the biggest issues i opened up during that two-hour lunch. other stories would include my childhood angsts, which are expected to be understood by someone my age at present. don't get me wrong. i understand them completely. i really do. i understand that parents have favorites among their children. i understand that my dad has to work abroad just so we can get a decent education and survive the state of this forsaken country, even if it means losing a father figure in the house whom i can look up to as a role model as i grow to become a parent's worst nightmare - a teen. i didn't mention my fear and hatred for failure which was based on a childhood incident where i got hit by my mom for something my sister did, without giving me a chance to explain. i understand that my mom didn't mean to hit me, had she known it wasn't my fault. but because of that i tend to blame myself for every failure i encounter, however remotely i am connected to it.
bottomline. i was thinking too much of the things that don't matter. ouch. it stings to hear someone say you're just wasting your time and energy over something that wouldn't amount to anything. what hurts more is that they're right.
i was told that writing a journal would help. for whatever it is i needed help with. maybe to organize my thoughts and feelings so i can better understand myself and therefore have a right to be understood. i know, i know this is another thought that would eventually be disproved. you don't need to have a right to be understood. bottomline is for others to at least be able to understand me, i should know myself first. fair enough.
and i thought i was over that process. guess college life was too short for me to figure out myself.
enough sulking already. you're not schizophrenic. your boss says so. and stop talking to yourself too, its not healthy.
her opening words where, "so tell me about your other misoppurtunities...", with a smile on her face as she walked through the door. then came out the pseudo-ranting-but-its-ok story from yours truly. being the indifferent person that i have become (for a reason i know but can't seem to figure out), i put little to no restraint in what i wanted to say. bottomline, she thought i was KSP. maybe she's right. maybe i am just a sucker for attention that i tend to create silly theories and long for someone i can talk to just to get noticed. there it goes again: another thought created as i write this rather attempt to organize my thoughts and have a better understanding of myself. i do wish this works. and i wish these voices in my head could just stop even for a second.
i have trust issues. twisted as it is, its not the usual i-dont-tell-secrets-coz-i-dont-trust-you kind of issue. heck, i can tell my secrets to a stranger having coffee at starbucks at 10 in the morning. thing is that i can tell these secrets not because i trust the person, but more of not caring if such information of me will be used against me. my boss agrees with me. it IS twisted, but that's how it is. she told me to settle it coz it will only bring me further hardship in marriage and relationships (if ever in enter one). point taken. i may just change it, i just don't know how.
i have no direction, if not lacking of such. my boss begs to disagree. "there are reasons for the life you lead", so she says. she even offered to lend me "the purpose driven life". maybe it could help me, or perhaps would have an adverse effect on me, as do other books i've read. i just need to see a goal clearly. its so hard to focus on it with all other worries haunting my head every single day. not to mention the frequent wallowing on things that, for most people, and i agree, really don't matter. i know i have to change this, too.
those would just be the biggest issues i opened up during that two-hour lunch. other stories would include my childhood angsts, which are expected to be understood by someone my age at present. don't get me wrong. i understand them completely. i really do. i understand that parents have favorites among their children. i understand that my dad has to work abroad just so we can get a decent education and survive the state of this forsaken country, even if it means losing a father figure in the house whom i can look up to as a role model as i grow to become a parent's worst nightmare - a teen. i didn't mention my fear and hatred for failure which was based on a childhood incident where i got hit by my mom for something my sister did, without giving me a chance to explain. i understand that my mom didn't mean to hit me, had she known it wasn't my fault. but because of that i tend to blame myself for every failure i encounter, however remotely i am connected to it.
bottomline. i was thinking too much of the things that don't matter. ouch. it stings to hear someone say you're just wasting your time and energy over something that wouldn't amount to anything. what hurts more is that they're right.
i was told that writing a journal would help. for whatever it is i needed help with. maybe to organize my thoughts and feelings so i can better understand myself and therefore have a right to be understood. i know, i know this is another thought that would eventually be disproved. you don't need to have a right to be understood. bottomline is for others to at least be able to understand me, i should know myself first. fair enough.
and i thought i was over that process. guess college life was too short for me to figure out myself.
enough sulking already. you're not schizophrenic. your boss says so. and stop talking to yourself too, its not healthy.
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